Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let him take our DC?

87 replies

pugsinblankets1 · 25/12/2023 22:26

Spent today with DHs family. My mum hasn't been feeling well recently so she's avoided coming today which I was gutted about. We may possibly be able to see her tomorrow but depends how she is.

My husband usually alternates Christmas with his ex but this year its been decided he's going to go up tomorrow to hers to see DSC for a couple of hours and take their presents round. This was because her family are over this year for the first timenin a long time at Christmas and DSC wanted to stay there to see them which I'd fair enough.

DH has been going on about this visit all day and wants to take our shared child with him so siblings can see each other at Christmas. Our child is 4.

I've told him I'm not comfortable with that and he should go by himself (which is fine) but I don't want him to take our toddler.

There isn't the option of me going which is another thread. Me and his ex don't really see eye to eye... at all. And whenever I try and get involved in anything like this I'm told I'm not their mum. Which is fine I don't try to be but then by the same token I don't want my little girl going for however long to play families at this woman's house either and leaving me home alone.

DD isn't bothered, or hasn't said as such, that we haven't seen DSC yet and is used to them coming and going so isn't like she'd be desperate to go with him.

I just think it's a weird thing to do when it's not a friendly situation between us (her and DH don't get on either 99% of the time). I understand why he wants to go and am fine with that but draw the line at being okay with him taking DD too. I asked if ex would even want that anyway considering she seems to hate me so much and was told that apparently she'd "love to see DD". Just think it's odd unless everyone gets along and can ALL be together.

OP posts:
Greenfinch7 · 26/12/2023 11:43

You keep saying that you don't think a child should spend time in the house of a woman who hates her mother, but your SCs spend time with you very regularly, and you obviously hate their mother (sounds like with good reason!).
I am just pointing out that step families often lead to situations where kids spend time with someone who hates one of their parents. When done well, sibling bonds can still be strong.
To me, it sounds like your DH's ex-wife is being reasonably good about letting your DD visit and not making it unpleasant for her, so seems like a good thing for her to go.

MySecret21 · 26/12/2023 11:49

A 4 year old is absolutely not a toddler.

But YANBU.

If the stepchildren are coming to yours in a few days anyway, then I don’t see why your 4 year old needs to go with your DH now.

I would have thought your DH would have enjoyed the opportunity to have some quality time alone with his other children anyway.

Original poster
pugsinblankets1 · 26/12/2023 12:06

Greenfinch7 · 26/12/2023 11:43

You keep saying that you don't think a child should spend time in the house of a woman who hates her mother, but your SCs spend time with you very regularly, and you obviously hate their mother (sounds like with good reason!).
I am just pointing out that step families often lead to situations where kids spend time with someone who hates one of their parents. When done well, sibling bonds can still be strong.
To me, it sounds like your DH's ex-wife is being reasonably good about letting your DD visit and not making it unpleasant for her, so seems like a good thing for her to go.

Yes they come here, because I live with their dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
pugsinblankets1 · 26/12/2023 12:10

Sorry pressed send way too soon, I meant to say yes they come here because I live with their dad. It would be comparable if we split up and I lived separately from their dad. There is no doubt in my mind she wouldn't want them coming to my house.

It's not ended up a problem as DD didn't want to go with DH anyway, she was crying and clingy so wasn't going to force her. We've had a nice morning together.

OP posts:
Greenfinch7 · 26/12/2023 12:20

Glad it all worked out for you.
Of course I understand the obvious thing that you live with their dad! I was making a more general point- that in blended families kids often spend time with adults that hate one of their parents (or both of their parents). If everyone shows kindness, sensitivity, and emotional maturity, that can work out well for the children though, and is not necessarily terrible.

berksandbeyond · 26/12/2023 12:23

this is what you’ve chosen when you chose to be the second family 🤷🏼‍♀️
YABU

SleepingBeautySnores · 26/12/2023 13:25

I'm pleased that you got to spend the time with your daughter, she clearly voted how SHE wanted to spend HER day!

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 26/12/2023 13:40

I don’t get why the 4 year old can’t go, think it will be nice, let him take him

purpledaze24 · 26/12/2023 14:16

Good that your dd made her own decision as it should always be hers, not yours or your DH’s. This is the kinda shit you sign up for when you choose to date someone who’s already had a family with someone else. it was your decision so you just gotta suck it up and accept this woman will for the next few years at least be some part of your life and try to put your kids first

Iwasafool · 26/12/2023 14:24

GrumpyPanda · 25/12/2023 22:40

Oh it's stepmum-bashing time again. Funny how it's never the ex who's expected to be the "bigger person."

OP YABU to post this in AIBU, these threads always attract the same sort of poster. YANBU to oppose a trip that's chiefly for the ex to play happy families with your DD - as you say the siblings will see each other soon enough. Also - if there's a chance your mum might make it today, surely she'd want to see her granddaughter?

Show quote history

Well to be fair the ex is the bigger person when she lets her kids go and spend time with the OP. She might find that hard just like the OP finds this hard. The thing is these two women are adults and I hope they behave in a civilised manner to each others children, if the ex doesn't then the father needs to step in and make sure it stops.

I don't see anything to indicate this visit is designed so the ex can play happy families with the OP's DD. She might like it, she might hate the idea but realises it is good for her children to see their father and their sibling.

Iwasafool · 26/12/2023 14:26

pugsinblankets1 · 26/12/2023 12:10

Sorry pressed send way too soon, I meant to say yes they come here because I live with their dad. It would be comparable if we split up and I lived separately from their dad. There is no doubt in my mind she wouldn't want them coming to my house.

It's not ended up a problem as DD didn't want to go with DH anyway, she was crying and clingy so wasn't going to force her. We've had a nice morning together.

Have you played a part in that decision? I hate it when adults use children as weapons.

zaffa · 26/12/2023 14:28

The thing is OP what is being proposed is what is happening with your DSC on every contact visit with you. They are expected to spend family time with someone who doesn't like their mum. I'm sure EXW had no intention of mothering DD, she will be visiting somewhere with her dad.

I do have a DSS and a DD (also four). In this scenario I wouldn't really like it but I wouldn't stop it. DD loves her brother and she is super curious about his life when he's at his mum's. And I imagine DSS (he is 15) would love to show her round the house etc.

And yes, the relationship with DH and his ex is acrimonious, and DSS lives with us so maybe DD is more used to having her brother around and would be missing him at Xmas, but fundamentally what you're being asked is not really different to what she is asked to do when they come visit you.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread