Page 4 | So upset with MIL

meerrychristmas · 2023-12-25T18:02:46+00:00

It's nothing new, she's a two faced, manipulative, spiteful and very fake person and I keep my distance. But now we have a baby so I can't keep as much distance as I previously could after the way she's treated me over the past 17 years. It is our Daughters first Christmas, she's 7 months old. Didn't expect lots of presents, she doesn't understand and has no concept of Christmas. My Mum and Dad have paid for a chest of drawers for her room (we are moving to a 2 bed in January) and bought her a little toy to play with. DH's Dad paid for her high chair when we started weaning last month and again, bought a little toy for her to play with and put £50 in her savings account. MIL who spends £11k on a holiday to Greece for a week, tells everyone how much everything costs "oh my husband bought me a gorgeous bracelet in town the other day, £450 it was!" "Guess how much our meal came to in the Italian last week? £280!" "Do you like my new wine fridge? It was £500" and has to put a price on everything, paid a lady £20 for some toys on Facebook marketplace. Literally about 15/16 massive plastic toys that are scuffed, dirty, falling apart and not even appropriate for her age. A plastic rocking horse? She can't even crawl yet let alone sit on a rocking horse. It's just thoughtless. I'm disgusted that she couldn't find it in her to buy her granddaughter (her only GC) a book, a new teether or even a couple of new babygrows whilst her Husbans walks around in a new Ralph Lauren jumper she bought him and she's tried to charge DH and his siblings £10 each for Boxing Day at hers with food 😂 Please tell me I'm not in the wrong here 🫣 I'm fuming.

LaurieStrode · 25/12/2023 20:28

user701 · 25/12/2023 18:08

Just say “oh it’s so great that she’ll have a set of toys to play with when we visit” and leave them all there.

Excellent suggestions.

RafaistheKingofClay · 25/12/2023 20:29

BungleandGeorge · 25/12/2023 20:01

I think the £10 hospitality fee is much worse, who charges family unless they need to?!
regarding the plastic rocker I presume it’s one of the little tykes type she’ll be able to use it independently in a few months and presuming she’s sitting you could easily sit her on it and rock it. Little kids usually love them. What other toys were included? I understand some people don’t want second hand but I don’t think the gift alone was that bad, it sounds like there’s a lot of backstory though

I think it’s the back story rather than anything else. The OP has already said she isn’t bothered by it being 2nd hand. Dirty isn’t on, but inappropriate for her to use now if they are useful in the future is not too much of an issue. It sort of depends what they are.

PringPring · 25/12/2023 20:30

You are upset because she's showing how little she cares for your dd, in the same way she shows how little she cares for you. It's a dig at you via your child, her grandchild.

Is there a reason you and your husband are still in contact with her?! Reading your comments she's vile, and I'd be putting massive distance between her personally. Before your child is old enough to pick up on her behaviour.

Tacotortoise · 25/12/2023 20:57

Christmassss · 25/12/2023 18:41

OP what does it matter what your MIL has or does with her money, you sound a bit obsessed with her finances?

Oh give over with the faux naivety. It matters because it shows that this is not a woman shopping on a shoestringand the contrast bw what she's prepared to spend on herself and on her granddaughter (and the sheer lack of thought) tells you everything you need to know about how she views the relationship.

Redouble your efforts to keep her at arms length. Don't make the smallest effort on her behalf.

Thecatmaster · 25/12/2023 21:51

I don't think that your mil is being deliberately unkind or spiteful here. Even if she doesn't like you, it's unlikely that she dislikes her grandchild. I'm yet to meet a grandparent who doesn't adore their grandchildren. You therefore seem to be equating her actions with a lack of love and then feeling hurt, angry and rejected. There could be a whole myriad of reasons for her buying toys second hand. My guess is that she realises how quickly kids outgrown things and that, buying new plastic toys, is not worth the money. She might have her own practical views about what is worth spending money on and what isn't. As a parents of older children, I remember how intense having a baby was and how I focussed on every small moment of development. Each one seemed massive. But, stepping back I now realise how quickly time goes by. It really won't be long before your 7 month old is actually using that plastic rocking horse. I might be a bit disappointed by the presents, although equally, it's better getting second hand plastic toys than stuff being shoved into landfill). I might think that it's a bit cheap. But I wouldn't be raging! There are different interpretations of her gifts and yours is just one way of looking at it. You might find it easier to cut her some slack and not assume the worst. It's sometimes easier that way. There's no point getting riled up by it.

MooMaa83 · 25/12/2023 22:17

Yanbu...I have a MIL like yours and we get sacks of unwanted plastic crap every Christmas for the DC. Never once asks us or them what they would like. We don't have space to store it all. It ends up straight in the charity shop.

Tandora · 25/12/2023 22:41

YABU and ridiculous. Random tat presents from relatives are par for the course at Christmas! Not every person is up to date with what’s considered useful in terms of gifts for a 7month old 🙄 . My MIL send me some grey wool socks for Christmas. Apart from making me feel like I’m 100 years old 😂, I’m also allergic to wool. Am I angry about it? Of course not!! It’s sweet that she made the effort to get something.

RadRad · 25/12/2023 22:49

"She has lots of her own money, think thousands of cash stashed in hiding places around the house."
Does she hide taxes?

Tryingmybestadhd · 25/12/2023 23:02

Bin the toys , tell her they are not for her age and keep as much distance from that self absorbed person as you can . Your child has nothing to learn from her .

ChristmasEvemaddness · 25/12/2023 23:03

Thanks for for the gifts mil, unfortunately we are tight on space so you will need to keep them at yours.
Here is her saving acct no, I'm sure she would appreciate the smallest contribution now because of compound interest thank you.

Op BTW have you thought about several types of savings for her like sipp! Junior isa and premium bonds.

ChristmasEvemaddness · 25/12/2023 23:04

@Tandora in this instance mil has got very nice presents for other people that is the difference.

Cornishclio · 25/12/2023 23:51

Your DD has three other GPs who sound great so distance yourself from her. She sounds toxic, mean and self centred.

thecatsarecrazy · 26/12/2023 01:33

My mil is the same. She goes on holiday every Christmas plus once or twice during the year, spends 1000s putting the dogs in kennels alone. She offered to take me out pram shopping when I was pregnant with my 2nd. But she obviously Changed her mind and when I was at my dad's over Christmas she let herself in to the house and left a double pushchair in the kitchen. Clearly one she bought off Facebook as the handle had a big chip out of it and shortly after using one of the wheels snapped off.

Thedogscollar · 26/12/2023 01:43

ManateeFair · 25/12/2023 18:50

As always on these threads, the faux naïveté of people pretending not to understand why the OP is upset is incredibly annoying.

It’s very obvious that the OP knows her daughter won’t understand presents at 7 months, and it’s also obvious that the OP isn’t bothered about the money itself but at the fact that her MIL has deliberately chosen to do this as a snub. The OP even says that something small like a book or a teether would have been absolutely fine; this isn’t greed on the OP’s part.

If someone constantly boasts about spending £280 on dinner etc and is clearly obsessed with showing off and buys her husband Ralph Lauren, it is clearly a very deliberate choice to give her grandchild some dirty, scuffed, falling-apart secondhand toys from Facebook Marketplace, and it was clearly done to send out a message to the OP. It was a shitty thing to do and she’s a horrible cow. It isn’t ’lack of thought’. She did this on purpose, not by accident.

I hope your DH and his siblings tell her to piss off re. her plan to charge them to visit her on Boxing Day too!

This with bells on.
I'd be NC with this woman. No loss for you or your baby.

pikkumyy77 · 26/12/2023 01:50

Thecatmaster · 25/12/2023 21:51

I don't think that your mil is being deliberately unkind or spiteful here. Even if she doesn't like you, it's unlikely that she dislikes her grandchild. I'm yet to meet a grandparent who doesn't adore their grandchildren. You therefore seem to be equating her actions with a lack of love and then feeling hurt, angry and rejected. There could be a whole myriad of reasons for her buying toys second hand. My guess is that she realises how quickly kids outgrown things and that, buying new plastic toys, is not worth the money. She might have her own practical views about what is worth spending money on and what isn't. As a parents of older children, I remember how intense having a baby was and how I focussed on every small moment of development. Each one seemed massive. But, stepping back I now realise how quickly time goes by. It really won't be long before your 7 month old is actually using that plastic rocking horse. I might be a bit disappointed by the presents, although equally, it's better getting second hand plastic toys than stuff being shoved into landfill). I might think that it's a bit cheap. But I wouldn't be raging! There are different interpretations of her gifts and yours is just one way of looking at it. You might find it easier to cut her some slack and not assume the worst. It's sometimes easier that way. There's no point getting riled up by it.

Tell me that you don’t know any real families without telling me?

this is such utter, disingenuous, bullshit.

uclpp · 26/12/2023 02:02

AlizeeEasy · 25/12/2023 18:08

Kindly, I do think it’s a little strange to say that a baby doesn’t understand Christmas and in the same sentence be upset that your mil didn’t spend enough on her, like you said, it doesn’t matter at this age

MIL spent £20
OP isn’t upset about the amount - she’s upset that the presents were useless dirty garbage, coupled with the fact that mil is bragging about blowing thousands on frivolous stuff.
OP said she’d have been happy with a book or teether.

Spongeeater · 26/12/2023 02:29

RadRad · 25/12/2023 22:49

"She has lots of her own money, think thousands of cash stashed in hiding places around the house."
Does she hide taxes?

Exactly. Anonymous report to HMRC?

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 26/12/2023 02:44

meerrychristmas · 25/12/2023 19:03

You've put it perfectly. I couldn't care less if it was a teether from primark, she'd have picked it and DD could use it.

Just to be clear DD has lots of pass me down clothes from friends and family and we've picked up a second hand jumperoo type thing from marketplace, it's not about it being second hand.

Show quote history

ManateeFair is spot on.

This is a deliberate snub, it takes more effort to go online on FB marketplace and find and organise to pick something up then to throw a kids toy in the trolley at the supermarket or grab something at the shops. She's gone out of her way to do this. I'd be going out of my way to minimise time spent with her.

If it really is dirty, plastic tat I'd be putting them in the bin not taking to the charity shop. Leaving at MILs much better, she probably won't want guests to see them and have to store them out of sight.

Raspberrymoon49 · 26/12/2023 02:58

She sounds shallow, toxic and a rotten person all round, don’t waste energy and emotion on people like this, put everything into those who treat you with love and care, she sounds rotten to the core

Geppili · 26/12/2023 03:07

She did that deliberately partly to snub you, but also to sow conflict and resentment. She would love it if you had any strong reaction to her shitty gesture. Just rise right above it. Dump all the toys in to charity. Minimise contact with this woman. She is after control and ownership of her blood i.e. her son and grandchild. She wants you to engage and then she will gaslight and demonise you. Be strong and look up grey rock method.

DontLeanOnTheKeyboard · 26/12/2023 09:25

Not read the whole thread…but doesn’t the high chair count? Why separate presents from FIL and MIL? I agree a load of crap from FB is horrible, but they have already got a present for you with the high chair.

AuntMarch · 26/12/2023 09:32

DontLeanOnTheKeyboard · 26/12/2023 09:25

Not read the whole thread…but doesn’t the high chair count? Why separate presents from FIL and MIL? I agree a load of crap from FB is horrible, but they have already got a present for you with the high chair.

My mum and dad buy separate gifts for my child because they've been divorced for 25 years.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 26/12/2023 09:35

She sounds horrible. Another to say the toys stay at hers.

Namechange4234 · 26/12/2023 09:38

meerrychristmas · 25/12/2023 18:35

I'd rather her of put the £20 she spent into my DD's little savings account, DH has told her it all has to stay at hers. I would also of rather a family who aren't as fortunate as us have had the opportunity to pay £20 for all of those toys for their little one/ones.

Yes massive backstory, when I had a mental health crisis and was too ill to leave my bed she tried to encouraged DH to leave me, I'd had miscarriages and she told him that if he ever wanted to be a father then the kindest thing to do would be to divorce me so that he could get cracking with that as he's in his 30s. She regularly tries to humiliate me in front of people "oh I bought you a present but then decided it looks nice in my living room so I kept it" (a picture of my DH & DD) you get the gist.

I've cried so many tears over the years of being treated like this by her.

If this is all true then you go NC. FOREVER

Thecatmaster · 26/12/2023 10:46

@pikkumyy77

'Tell me that you don’t know any real families without telling me?

this is such utter, disingenuous, bullshit.'

What a peculiar comment! What sort of families do you think that I know of? All entirely made up ones? Given your comments and evident anger at someone with a differing viewpoint, I can see why you're not used to dealing with situations calmly and with tact.

I do have a real family btw. Children are certainly not invented. In laws and other relatives often bring second hand and slightly inappropriate gifts, along with nice things too. Sister has never bought the kids anything or every acknowledged their existence. We're not a perfect family. We're not a fictitious family. And from the other comments posted here, I'm most certainly not in the minority with my view. Some normal families deal with fairly normal situations in fairly non combative ways, having learned that fighting and anger is not worth the effort. And I really do believe that the vast majority of grandparents love their grandchildren. That's really not a peculiar proposition.