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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset with MIL

106 replies

meerrychristmas · 25/12/2023 18:02

It's nothing new, she's a two faced, manipulative, spiteful and very fake person and I keep my distance.

But now we have a baby so I can't keep as much distance as I previously could after the way she's treated me over the past 17 years.

It is our Daughters first Christmas, she's 7 months old. Didn't expect lots of presents, she doesn't understand and has no concept of Christmas. My Mum and Dad have paid for a chest of drawers for her room (we are moving to a 2 bed in January) and bought her a little toy to play with. DH's Dad paid for her high chair when we started weaning last month and again, bought a little toy for her to play with and put £50 in her savings account.

MIL who spends £11k on a holiday to Greece for a week, tells everyone how much everything costs "oh my husband bought me a gorgeous bracelet in town the other day, £450 it was!" "Guess how much our meal came to in the Italian last week? £280!" "Do you like my new wine fridge? It was £500" and has to put a price on everything, paid a lady £20 for some toys on Facebook marketplace.

Literally about 15/16 massive plastic toys that are scuffed, dirty, falling apart and not even appropriate for her age. A plastic rocking horse? She can't even crawl yet let alone sit on a rocking horse. It's just thoughtless.

I'm disgusted that she couldn't find it in her to buy her granddaughter (her only GC) a book, a new teether or even a couple of new babygrows whilst her Husbans walks around in a new Ralph Lauren jumper she bought him and she's tried to charge DH and his siblings £10 each for Boxing Day at hers with food 😂

Please tell me I'm not in the wrong here 🫣 I'm fuming.

OP posts:
AlizeeEasy · 25/12/2023 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Sorry, didn’t mean to offend

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 25/12/2023 18:48

She sounds deeply unpleasant, and I would limit the time you spend with her. Please tell me DH hasn't stumped up for the boxing day buffet...

strawberry2017 · 25/12/2023 18:50

Just because you have a child doesn't mean you have to bother with her more than you used to.
Keep low contact and if she tries to bring the presents to your house then take them straight to charity.

ManateeFair · 25/12/2023 18:50

As always on these threads, the faux naïveté of people pretending not to understand why the OP is upset is incredibly annoying.

It’s very obvious that the OP knows her daughter won’t understand presents at 7 months, and it’s also obvious that the OP isn’t bothered about the money itself but at the fact that her MIL has deliberately chosen to do this as a snub. The OP even says that something small like a book or a teether would have been absolutely fine; this isn’t greed on the OP’s part.

If someone constantly boasts about spending £280 on dinner etc and is clearly obsessed with showing off and buys her husband Ralph Lauren, it is clearly a very deliberate choice to give her grandchild some dirty, scuffed, falling-apart secondhand toys from Facebook Marketplace, and it was clearly done to send out a message to the OP. It was a shitty thing to do and she’s a horrible cow. It isn’t ’lack of thought’. She did this on purpose, not by accident.

I hope your DH and his siblings tell her to piss off re. her plan to charge them to visit her on Boxing Day too!

ConnieCroydon · 25/12/2023 18:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Crikeyalmighty · 25/12/2023 18:54

The reason she is loaded OP is she is clearly as tight as a ducksarse. I would be upset too- but it is what it is- she simply is a thoughtless person- someone posting all that stuff too clearly is a look at me person without contemplating there are many more people struggling out there at this time than is the norm

DuploTrain · 25/12/2023 18:55

This is the very best advice I can give you: stop caring about her.

Train yourself to not care. Every time you think about her or start to get annoyed, consciously tell your brain “she’s irrelevant to me”, and deliberately think of something else.

My MIL used to get under my skin so much and I wasted so much of my mental energy being annoyed at her. Which was probably exactly what she wanted because she loves getting a reaction from people.

I’ve now trained myself to stop caring and now her ridiculous behaviour just amuses me and I look forward to seeing what bat shittery is coming next because I know it won’t affect me.

FiddleLeaf · 25/12/2023 18:59

She sounds deeply unpleasant and Christmas gives her the chance to show that in full force.

Funny you say you have to see her more because you have a child. I would do the opposite and keep my child distant from her.

Sorry if it’s ruined your day 😔

Original poster
meerrychristmas · 25/12/2023 19:03

ManateeFair · 25/12/2023 18:50

As always on these threads, the faux naïveté of people pretending not to understand why the OP is upset is incredibly annoying.

It’s very obvious that the OP knows her daughter won’t understand presents at 7 months, and it’s also obvious that the OP isn’t bothered about the money itself but at the fact that her MIL has deliberately chosen to do this as a snub. The OP even says that something small like a book or a teether would have been absolutely fine; this isn’t greed on the OP’s part.

If someone constantly boasts about spending £280 on dinner etc and is clearly obsessed with showing off and buys her husband Ralph Lauren, it is clearly a very deliberate choice to give her grandchild some dirty, scuffed, falling-apart secondhand toys from Facebook Marketplace, and it was clearly done to send out a message to the OP. It was a shitty thing to do and she’s a horrible cow. It isn’t ’lack of thought’. She did this on purpose, not by accident.

I hope your DH and his siblings tell her to piss off re. her plan to charge them to visit her on Boxing Day too!

You've put it perfectly. I couldn't care less if it was a teether from primark, she'd have picked it and DD could use it.

Just to be clear DD has lots of pass me down clothes from friends and family and we've picked up a second hand jumperoo type thing from marketplace, it's not about it being second hand.

OP posts:
FallingStar21 · 25/12/2023 19:04

Perfectly said @ManateeFair !
It's very clear what this is about and that she is being deliberately "thoughtless" and super cheap with gifts, to the point of getting second hand scruffy stuff... Hmm if it's me I'd be NC in a nanosecond (unless my DH was so keen to keep in touch, in which case I might allow 1 or 2 visits per year or ask him to see her alone).
And to charge family for a meal, especially when she spends in the £££'s for her showy-offy crap? Just say "Hahaha, no chance and no thanks" to that!
She is a vacuous, money obsessed stupid woman, she would never have been a good role model for you daughter anyway, so really 0 loss to ditch her.

coconutpie · 25/12/2023 19:06

meerrychristmas · 25/12/2023 18:35

I'd rather her of put the £20 she spent into my DD's little savings account, DH has told her it all has to stay at hers. I would also of rather a family who aren't as fortunate as us have had the opportunity to pay £20 for all of those toys for their little one/ones.

Yes massive backstory, when I had a mental health crisis and was too ill to leave my bed she tried to encouraged DH to leave me, I'd had miscarriages and she told him that if he ever wanted to be a father then the kindest thing to do would be to divorce me so that he could get cracking with that as he's in his 30s. She regularly tries to humiliate me in front of people "oh I bought you a present but then decided it looks nice in my living room so I kept it" (a picture of my DH & DD) you get the gist.

I've cried so many tears over the years of being treated like this by her.

I would have nothing to do with them after that. Why are you even in their company? Or letting your DC be around them?

Anywherebuthere · 25/12/2023 19:06

Your MIL and her husband are absolutely entitled to spend on themselves. You sound a bit jealous about that.

But I do think it would have been better they hadn't got anything for a 7 month old who doesnt understand anyway rather than getting toys that are dirty and useless. Leave them at her place or charity shop them.

Charging for food is a joke if she doesnt have financial issues.

FallingStar21 · 25/12/2023 19:07

A side question, but how did she manage to spend 11K in Greece in 1 week?
I don't think I could if I tried. Wouldn't be surprised if she's embellishing and inflating her purchase to either impress people or make them feel uncomfortable and inferior.

BluebellsForest · 25/12/2023 19:09

Sorry, didn’t mean to offend

Really, @AlizeeEasy? You must have known your comment would be belittling and undermining of OP's concerns.

wronginalltherightways · 25/12/2023 19:13

user701 · 25/12/2023 18:08

Just say “oh it’s so great that she’ll have a set of toys to play with when we visit” and leave them all there.

100%

Alternatively, take a picture of the presents, post them on social media, and publicly thank her for them. You can restrict your audience to family members only.

Topjoe19 · 25/12/2023 19:15

Fucking hell what a cow!! I dont get on that well with my MIL but she wouldn't do something like that. Ignore. Ignore. Do not rise to it. One day your little baby won't be so little anymore. And they'll see exactly how MIL treats their lovely mum.

AlizeeEasy · 25/12/2023 19:19

BluebellsForest · 25/12/2023 19:09

Sorry, didn’t mean to offend

Really, @AlizeeEasy? You must have known your comment would be belittling and undermining of OP's concerns.

Really not looking for a fight on Christmas. I gave my opinion, I fully respect what others have said. I’m sorry if it came across as belittling, it was not my intent. Merry Christmas to you

xyz111 · 25/12/2023 19:20

I'm glad your DH seems to be on your side. You can definitely go low contact. If she wants to visit baby, she does with DH, you go out for the day. She wants a reaction out of you, so the best thing you can do is totally ignore her and not give her any satisfaction whatsoever that she's bothering you. Be the bigger person.

Jom222 · 25/12/2023 19:21

Before you leave the shit gifts behind at her house be sure to take several pics of them and go home and plaster them all over your SM saying ooh look at the cute toys grandmother got baby, baby will love playing with them at her house!

This way everyone gets to see how cheap and petty she is. Added bonus that she will die inside but be unable to complain to you about it.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 25/12/2023 19:23

Buying dirty, scuffed, falling apart second hand toys for your daughter was an insult. Your MIL is well aware that it is an insult. She is a nasty piece of work and honestly you should limit the contact your daughter will have with her. Imagine how your daughter will feel when she's old enough to understand that her gran is buying her used and dirty second hand things for her birthday/Christmas. Toxic people need to be kept away from children. Leave those things in your MIL's house and let her deal with what's basically a bag of rubbish.

You and your husband need to have a proper discussion about going no contact with her. You both need to put your own little family first and keep that kind of person out of your lives.

Original poster
meerrychristmas · 25/12/2023 19:23

Anywherebuthere · 25/12/2023 19:06

Your MIL and her husband are absolutely entitled to spend on themselves. You sound a bit jealous about that.

But I do think it would have been better they hadn't got anything for a 7 month old who doesnt understand anyway rather than getting toys that are dirty and useless. Leave them at her place or charity shop them.

Charging for food is a joke if she doesnt have financial issues.

I'm honestly not jealous at all.

We have our own business and we've managed to buy a lovely 2 bed starter home with no help at all, we can afford food and heating and we have a holiday booked next year with friends and kids. We are blessed in so many ways and I don't care for showing off expensive things.

OP posts:
Starzinsky · 25/12/2023 19:26

It's a gift, don't like it move on.

Nanny0gg · 25/12/2023 19:27

AlizeeEasy · 25/12/2023 18:08

Kindly, I do think it’s a little strange to say that a baby doesn’t understand Christmas and in the same sentence be upset that your mil didn’t spend enough on her, like you said, it doesn’t matter at this age

Read again.

Nanny0gg · 25/12/2023 19:28

Starzinsky · 25/12/2023 19:26

It's a gift, don't like it move on.

Missing the point..

Nanny0gg · 25/12/2023 19:29

Can I just point out that charity shops don't want dirty old tat either