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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset with MIL

106 replies

meerrychristmas · 25/12/2023 18:02

It's nothing new, she's a two faced, manipulative, spiteful and very fake person and I keep my distance.

But now we have a baby so I can't keep as much distance as I previously could after the way she's treated me over the past 17 years.

It is our Daughters first Christmas, she's 7 months old. Didn't expect lots of presents, she doesn't understand and has no concept of Christmas. My Mum and Dad have paid for a chest of drawers for her room (we are moving to a 2 bed in January) and bought her a little toy to play with. DH's Dad paid for her high chair when we started weaning last month and again, bought a little toy for her to play with and put £50 in her savings account.

MIL who spends £11k on a holiday to Greece for a week, tells everyone how much everything costs "oh my husband bought me a gorgeous bracelet in town the other day, £450 it was!" "Guess how much our meal came to in the Italian last week? £280!" "Do you like my new wine fridge? It was £500" and has to put a price on everything, paid a lady £20 for some toys on Facebook marketplace.

Literally about 15/16 massive plastic toys that are scuffed, dirty, falling apart and not even appropriate for her age. A plastic rocking horse? She can't even crawl yet let alone sit on a rocking horse. It's just thoughtless.

I'm disgusted that she couldn't find it in her to buy her granddaughter (her only GC) a book, a new teether or even a couple of new babygrows whilst her Husbans walks around in a new Ralph Lauren jumper she bought him and she's tried to charge DH and his siblings £10 each for Boxing Day at hers with food 😂

Please tell me I'm not in the wrong here 🫣 I'm fuming.

OP posts:
TypicalCoach · 25/12/2023 19:29

You haven't mentioned the part where you told her to do one either on this occasion or in the other "regular" occasions she belittles you??

Seriously why do people spend their lives being belittled, your not at school anymore there are no real reasons why you need to spend time with this woman or let her belittle you so just cease all contact and let your partner deal with her.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 25/12/2023 19:30

massive plastic toys that are scuffed, dirty, falling apart and not even appropriate for her age

So not even safe ? .

Anywherebuthere · 25/12/2023 19:30

meerrychristmas · 25/12/2023 19:23

I'm honestly not jealous at all.

We have our own business and we've managed to buy a lovely 2 bed starter home with no help at all, we can afford food and heating and we have a holiday booked next year with friends and kids. We are blessed in so many ways and I don't care for showing off expensive things.

Show quote history

I'm sorry for getting the wrong end of the stick there OP.

You are right, you have been blessed with so much that others don't have.

Its a shame your MIL is so miserly and thoughtless. Leave her to it, try not to give her the headspace she doesnt deserve.

Nevermind31 · 25/12/2023 19:32

Leave the toys at her house, but take a picture.
then post on Facebook the other presents, thanking fil and your parents for the wonderful thoughtful presents… hashtag lovely grandparents…
and then a picture of the ones she gave… thank you mil

and then I would invite siblings in law round for a free meal on Boxing Day…

BrimfulOfMash · 25/12/2023 19:39

Borrow her script: Let her overhear you “oh guess how much MIL’s presents to Dd cost? TEN POUNDS! “

But seriously, observe, laugh, inwardly roll your eyes and know that you see who she is.

pikkumyy77 · 25/12/2023 19:41

AlizeeEasy · 25/12/2023 18:08

Kindly, I do think it’s a little strange to say that a baby doesn’t understand Christmas and in the same sentence be upset that your mil didn’t spend enough on her, like you said, it doesn’t matter at this age

Oh bore off.

Epidote · 25/12/2023 19:46

@user701 you are a genius. I love the the reply I'm sure the OP MIL will be soo annoyed if that happens.

OP some people is just mean. Ignore her.

topnoddy · 25/12/2023 19:47

Just because you now have a baby doesn't mean you have to have any more contact with her than before .

Carry on as you were having as little to do with her as you want

FuckOffTom · 25/12/2023 19:50

user701 · 25/12/2023 18:08

Just say “oh it’s so great that she’ll have a set of toys to play with when we visit” and leave them all there.

Definitely do this

KT1112 · 25/12/2023 19:51

this Could be my ex MIL

its so hard to explain because it’s not about the money but also exactly about the money 😂

my ex MIL would buy my daughter (her step granddaughter a big bag full of tat from Poundland…easily spent £20 but wouldn’t take the time to ask what she’d like or care really if it was of any interest to her, whereas her biological grandchildren would have lots of thoughtful gifts. It’s about the lack of thought and care.

Devonshiregal · 25/12/2023 19:54

ManateeFair · 25/12/2023 18:50

As always on these threads, the faux naïveté of people pretending not to understand why the OP is upset is incredibly annoying.

It’s very obvious that the OP knows her daughter won’t understand presents at 7 months, and it’s also obvious that the OP isn’t bothered about the money itself but at the fact that her MIL has deliberately chosen to do this as a snub. The OP even says that something small like a book or a teether would have been absolutely fine; this isn’t greed on the OP’s part.

If someone constantly boasts about spending £280 on dinner etc and is clearly obsessed with showing off and buys her husband Ralph Lauren, it is clearly a very deliberate choice to give her grandchild some dirty, scuffed, falling-apart secondhand toys from Facebook Marketplace, and it was clearly done to send out a message to the OP. It was a shitty thing to do and she’s a horrible cow. It isn’t ’lack of thought’. She did this on purpose, not by accident.

I hope your DH and his siblings tell her to piss off re. her plan to charge them to visit her on Boxing Day too!

Yes this!

Why people feel the need to be like ohhh you’re obsessed with your MIl’s finances implying op is greedy when clearly the MIL in question proves through this shitty scratched dirty gift that she either

  1. just doesn’t care much about her grandkid (considering money and material things are big for her) or
  2. is trying to be a bitch to get DIL through her granddaughter. or
  3. both of the above.

op what does your husband say?

GreatGateauxsby · 25/12/2023 19:59

Look you need to manage the shit of this relationship not sit on the sidelines as a passenger things “happen to”.

You are the gate keeper and have the power.

firstly, stop letting her live rent free in your mind. Get neutral, my mil does not have the power to make me cry these days…

keep her at arms length and manage /supervise heavily her access to your child.

have an amazon gift lists in the future.
if she gives you stuff you don’t like….smile, say thanks, place it by the door and bin it or charity shop it the next week.

I have to do this with less and less of the stuff i am given by mil as she gets the message.

She used to bring pure crap over… mouldy toys, dangerous toys, cheap weird tat..
i have been challenged by her previously “oh where is X toy?” I just matter if factly said “oh when I opened it and it had mould inside” (which was true) she didn’t even have the good grace to look embarrassed

SisterMichaelsHabit · 25/12/2023 19:59

YANBU OP. Your MIL sounds like a proper dickhead. As you say it's not about the money.

Actually, this is another way for her to show off her wealth "look at me I'm so rich I can afford to burn money on shit I know is totally useless and unsafe and will immediately be binned just to make a point to DIL that I still don't like her."

What. A. Child. (MIL, not you).

AutumnCrow · 25/12/2023 20:00

Bloody hell she sounds crackers (as do some of the posters performatively trying to defend her).

Your DH needs to tell his mother to get fucked though.

BungleandGeorge · 25/12/2023 20:01

I think the £10 hospitality fee is much worse, who charges family unless they need to?!
regarding the plastic rocker I presume it’s one of the little tykes type she’ll be able to use it independently in a few months and presuming she’s sitting you could easily sit her on it and rock it. Little kids usually love them. What other toys were included? I understand some people don’t want second hand but I don’t think the gift alone was that bad, it sounds like there’s a lot of backstory though

GreatGateauxsby · 25/12/2023 20:01

For avoidance of doubt her “gift” was not thoughtful it was a fuck you and your Husband should be having a word

paisley256 · 25/12/2023 20:04

DuploTrain · 25/12/2023 18:55

This is the very best advice I can give you: stop caring about her.

Train yourself to not care. Every time you think about her or start to get annoyed, consciously tell your brain “she’s irrelevant to me”, and deliberately think of something else.

My MIL used to get under my skin so much and I wasted so much of my mental energy being annoyed at her. Which was probably exactly what she wanted because she loves getting a reaction from people.

I’ve now trained myself to stop caring and now her ridiculous behaviour just amuses me and I look forward to seeing what bat shittery is coming next because I know it won’t affect me.

This. Such good advice.

TempyBrennan · 25/12/2023 20:05

All I read here is that your parents care and his dad cares.

I wouldn’t waste your energy on being angry over her and her actions, keep a distance and leave it to DH to do the communication if it riles you up this much. You’ll only make yourself sad and it’ll make no difference to her.

Morrisons01 · 25/12/2023 20:05

@meerrychristmas prop why they are rich, that said if you were to get gifts it at least helps to make sure they are suitable.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 25/12/2023 20:05

God I love it when the tide turns on a thread that started out with a pile-on of very stupid answers.

FictionalCharacter · 25/12/2023 20:11

she's tried to charge DH and his siblings £10 each for Boxing Day at hers with food
She did what now?! She invited her own children round and charged them a tenner? She’s nuts.
As a PP said, you absolutely can continue to keep your distance after the way she’s treated you. You having a baby doesn’t mean you owe her anything. And she sounds like a right cowbag who won’t add anything positive to your child’s life.

Igglepiggleandhisboat · 25/12/2023 20:12

I completely empathise OP. This year my MIL bought my nearly 9 year old lavender scented knitted dolls. From a woman who has so much money. My wonderful DD smiled and said that they were wonderful. I’m afraid you might have to grin and bear it. I’ve given up trying with MIL. I no longer go and see her and am always “busy” when DH takes DC to see her. I haven’t got time to be stressed by it any longer. What’s sadder is she treats DH so differently to his siblings that he has come to expect this sort of treatment from her

Meowandthen · 25/12/2023 20:15

FallingStar21 · 25/12/2023 19:07

A side question, but how did she manage to spend 11K in Greece in 1 week?
I don't think I could if I tried. Wouldn't be surprised if she's embellishing and inflating her purchase to either impress people or make them feel uncomfortable and inferior.

Easy enough to spend that if you fly business and rent a villa.

IvysMum12 · 25/12/2023 20:23

Don't leave those dirty, broken toys with ML. You surely don't want your baby to play with them when she's older?
Take them home and throw them away.

BoredofBlonde · 25/12/2023 20:25

What is your husband's view?
And most importantly - what is he going to say to her does he have a backbone ?

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