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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be bothered about the "it's easy with only one kids" comments

95 replies

TooIntrovert · 25/12/2023 02:08

A friend of mine often remarks on parenting habits I have as "only possible because I only have one kid".

AIBU to be bothered by thi?

Things like being on time, giving my kid choices over dinner, asking my kid how he feels about something, playing with my child, getting time alone.

I get that these would be harder with more children but surely that doesn't need to be commented on? It's her choice she has 3 and mine I have 1? I'm not asking her for feedback or moaning about anything either she just observes our interactions and shares, out of the blue.

Often tells me we should have more children also as siblings are good for kids and "they need siblings to play with", and doesn't want to hear our reasons why we have concerns. Eg if I reply "we were considering it but we have some concerns..." She'll say "lol you guys need to just make up your minds and get on with it!" rather than "oh what are they?"

My kid has a disability btw but I don't think that should matter, I don't feel like unsolicited advice /commentary is warranted as everyone has a different capacity for what they can handle 🤷

If IANBU please share clever comebacks! I'm getting so fed up of it.

OP posts:
TomeTome · 25/12/2023 02:14

Well she’s right there are tons of things you can do with one that aren’t an option with more. There are also tons of things you can’t do if your child is disabled that you can if they’re able. She’s stating the obvious and if she does it a lot she’s either boring or bored at a guess.

SmellyKat10 · 25/12/2023 02:17

Generally speaking it clearly is easier with one 🤷🏻‍♀️ but I’d be irritated by the constant need to pass comment on your life choices.

AnonymousMusing · 25/12/2023 02:32

People make these kind of comments about having an only child when they have secret regrets about their own decision to have multiple kids.

If you go on to have more kids, that validates her decision to have multiple kids. You sticking at one makes her uncomfortable, as it's a reminder that there's actually a choice in terms how many kids you can have, and you don't need to have several just because it's seen as the social norm.

If she was 100% happy with her own life choices, she wouldn't feel the need to make any comments about yours.

I would be replying to those comments with "yep, it's easier, that's exactly why we stopped at one".

Ellienotelle · 25/12/2023 03:40

AnonymousMusing · 25/12/2023 02:32

People make these kind of comments about having an only child when they have secret regrets about their own decision to have multiple kids.

If you go on to have more kids, that validates her decision to have multiple kids. You sticking at one makes her uncomfortable, as it's a reminder that there's actually a choice in terms how many kids you can have, and you don't need to have several just because it's seen as the social norm.

If she was 100% happy with her own life choices, she wouldn't feel the need to make any comments about yours.

I would be replying to those comments with "yep, it's easier, that's exactly why we stopped at one".

I agree with this. I am childfree and one of my sisters has chosen to have one child. We were talking the other day and we both have similar experiences. All the parents we know who are happy being parents either don’t mention our circumstances or are happy for us and our choices but all the parent we know who complain about their lives, circumstances and children (sometimes to an extreme level) tell us we need to have children/more children. I also agree with just agreeing, there’s no come back. It’s your choice, it’s a choice that harms no one, it’s a choice that makes you happy and is the right thing for you/your family, so don’t worry about anyone else’s opinion.

ughChristmas · 25/12/2023 03:50

I think it is of course easier in many ways to have just one child. I don't agree with your friend that the things like one on one time, playing with them, etc, are the luxury of parents of only children though. I have more than her three and I do all that with mine. It's because it's a priority for me to do those things. It might not be for her.

WandaWonder · 25/12/2023 03:58

They choose to keep on having children I didn't, I don't comment on them having more children and constantly complaining how hard they are going and busy they are etc. I don't mention having an only child unless it comes up like on threads like this or direct questions in real life

If they want to comment that is up to them but stop with the martyrdom it is a choice

Chesterdoodle · 25/12/2023 03:58

I understand OP, I've had this. I would have loved more, but had 2 miscarriages. Some people cam be a little insensitive. If anyone makes you feel bad, step away.

ughChristmas · 25/12/2023 04:09

WandaWonder · 25/12/2023 03:58

They choose to keep on having children I didn't, I don't comment on them having more children and constantly complaining how hard they are going and busy they are etc. I don't mention having an only child unless it comes up like on threads like this or direct questions in real life

If they want to comment that is up to them but stop with the martyrdom it is a choice

Exactly, those children didn't magically appear, they chose it. I loved the busyness of many children but it's not for everyone. Yes, it has been more challenging having more children (more times the sickness, costs, running around) but I don't mind any of it. It's what I wanted. Parents of only children have less of that but also less of what (to me) is the joy of kids. I suppose we all have a different level of how much of that focus we want in our lives. No right or wrong but don't complain about increased work with more kids. We all have choices around that and I chose what was right for me.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 25/12/2023 04:24

Your friend is correct. You have more money, energy, time etc, to put into one child.

We chose to have one and we bloody love it.

DD was 15 yesterday and she has grown up to be lovely, kind, caring, patient, extremely funny and just an all round good egg and we have absolutely no regrets here.

Yes we had all the 'you're selfish just having one' comments and my husband and I have 6 siblings between us who we all get along really well with, but we made our choice and are happy. As is DD.

hanschristmassolo · 25/12/2023 06:29

People make these kind of comments about having an only child when they have secret regrets about their own decision to have multiple kids

That's a sweeping generalisation

I have multiple kids including a set of twins. No "secret" regrets over here

And yes having one child is easier. It's not a regret or criticism or anything other than an observation

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/12/2023 06:36

Do you bore on at friend’s with only one child about how easy they have it?

Feelinglow27 · 25/12/2023 06:38

Hmm I have one and whilst it is easier in some ways, she demands more of my attention (e.g. i can't get on with housework etc in the day whilst my friends with multiples hardly ever have to play with their children), having to arrange playdates all the time, and the guilt I feel as I was unable to provide her with a bigger family is definitely not easy. People can be so insensitive.

Winniespooh · 25/12/2023 06:43

I've got several friends with one child and I often think how easier it must be especially as they get older - I feel a bit for my eldest because she can't do some of the things are friends do because we've got a toddler in tow. However, I wouldn't say it out loud to them. I don't know the circumstances of all my friends and I don't know if they actively want a subsequent child, it's rude and insensitive to keep mentioning it.

QuiltedHippo · 25/12/2023 06:46

"We thought about it but you don't make it look very enjoyable" would work.
Signed someone with one kid who finds it very hard work!

FaeWings · 25/12/2023 06:48

Every time we spend time with families with more than one kid, I come home so glad to only have the one child. It is so much easier! Or maybe my DD is a particularly agreeable person...or maybe mine and DH's parenting is just top notch 😆 I guess we'll never know because we're not having a second child to put it to the test.

Like other's have said, I'd just agree when comments are made about having it easy with an only child. 'Yes, this family set up really works for us, I love being her mum.'

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 25/12/2023 06:49

hanschristmassolo · 25/12/2023 06:29

People make these kind of comments about having an only child when they have secret regrets about their own decision to have multiple kids

That's a sweeping generalisation

I have multiple kids including a set of twins. No "secret" regrets over here

And yes having one child is easier. It's not a regret or criticism or anything other than an observation

I think this poster was saying that those parents who do regret having more tend to make these sort of comments while those that don't have regrets, like you, don't say things like this.

I have 3, I'd have loved a 4th, but not with my ex. I don't think it's anyone's business except the couple why they have however many kids they do or don't have. Some people will be happier without kids, some will be happier with one, some will want more, unfortunately some won't get to choose at all. It sounds like she's jealous of you or unhappy about her own choices. The only response that springs to mind is to bat it back to her, saying you agree it's great and you love having one. I wouldn't bother discussing any thoughts or concerns you have about whether to have another with her. You could try obviously changing the topic when she brings it up so hopefully she'll get the idea. YANBU at all.

Sleepsleepsleep123 · 25/12/2023 06:49

It is easier having one kid, from my observation. However I'd never ever dream of saying it to someone with one child.

Parenting is hard whether you have one or five so comparisons are pointless.

ripplingwater · 25/12/2023 06:49

If she was 100% happy with her own life choices, she wouldn't feel the need to make any comments about yours

Absolutely this. Any time someone goes out of their way to constantly mention something or comment on someone else's life choices it's nearly always because they themselves are unhappy about their own. Others lives doesn't affect them in any way so why keep going on about it?- it always a red flag that its something that bothers THEM. This is an issue with her not you so bear that in mind and don't let it bother you. I might challenge it by saying "this really seems to bother you as you keep mentioning it, can I ask why?" - they usually shut up then.

PuttingDownRoots · 25/12/2023 06:50

Its different. Somethings will be harder, some easier.
My DDs best friend is an only child. Her Mum disapproves of some of my patenting, I think she far too overprotective. But I'm often alone with two kids and have to make compromise decisions for both of them, whereas she has two adults focused on the welfare of one child. So no, I can't go to every performance of the school play for example. DD spends time alone at home while I'm taking the other to their extracurricular activity. Often its not their favourite food on offer, but its food they do like.

But they get benefits from having a sibling as well. Its not all doom and gloom.

PurBal · 25/12/2023 06:56

It’s objectively easier with 1 because you only have 1 persons thoughts/wants/needs/opinions to consider. But it doesn’t stop it being hard work.

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 25/12/2023 07:00

It depends on the child/children involved.
One of mine is harder work than the other two together and always has been in every area. Sleeping, eating, and personality wise.
She was what the textbooks refer to as a ‘high needs’ baby whilst they other two were and are easy.

Ohwhatadag · 25/12/2023 07:02

Yes, it is easier with one. But anyone with any sensitivity doesn't say it out loud.

honeysuckleweeks · 25/12/2023 07:04

I'm not sure anyone is ever certain that they have made the right decision regarding the number of children they have/ or none. Personally I had 4 and wish I'd had a fifth. Everyone is different. I wouldn't bang on at anyone though. Just walk away?

Mairzydotes · 25/12/2023 07:06

It's easier with one child . Not easy

I say that as someone with a large gap between my first and second.

110APiccadilly · 25/12/2023 07:12

Things like being on time, giving my kid choices over dinner, asking my kid how he feels about something, playing with my child, getting time alone.

I manage all of these, apart from choices for dinner, and that's because that's not how we do it as a family and never has been, though we try to make sure there's always an element everyone likes, and I have two children.