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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be bothered about the "it's easy with only one kids" comments

95 replies

TooIntrovert · 25/12/2023 02:08

A friend of mine often remarks on parenting habits I have as "only possible because I only have one kid".

AIBU to be bothered by thi?

Things like being on time, giving my kid choices over dinner, asking my kid how he feels about something, playing with my child, getting time alone.

I get that these would be harder with more children but surely that doesn't need to be commented on? It's her choice she has 3 and mine I have 1? I'm not asking her for feedback or moaning about anything either she just observes our interactions and shares, out of the blue.

Often tells me we should have more children also as siblings are good for kids and "they need siblings to play with", and doesn't want to hear our reasons why we have concerns. Eg if I reply "we were considering it but we have some concerns..." She'll say "lol you guys need to just make up your minds and get on with it!" rather than "oh what are they?"

My kid has a disability btw but I don't think that should matter, I don't feel like unsolicited advice /commentary is warranted as everyone has a different capacity for what they can handle 🤷

If IANBU please share clever comebacks! I'm getting so fed up of it.

OP posts:

Snowonthebeachx · 25/12/2023 07:39

People always want you to do the same as them to validate their choices. No one made her have three kids!

I get this from MIL a bit because we currently have one (hope for another but not happened yet) and SIL has two. It makes me feel like I'm not a proper mother sometimes because it's so much harder with two (apparently). Bloody annoying but she's actually a nice woman and doesn't mean any harm. I think people just have to comment sometimes.

queenmeadhbh · 25/12/2023 07:41

It drives me maaaaaaad when people say “hmph, you couldn’t rock him to sleep/stay at home for naps/respond to him so quickly if you had another child”

i know….but I don’t - am I supposed to pretend that I do? Sorry love I’m going to have to put you screaming into the car and drive around for my imaginary 5 year olds school run!

LikeTheMorningDew · 25/12/2023 07:44

I wanted more, but would I be able to give them what they have and afford the dog they wanted so desperately if there had been another kid? Not chance.

NatMoz · 25/12/2023 07:48

I only have one but do wonder if i would get alone time and be able to continue my hobbies with 2. These things are all very important to me and help me be a great parent

ChaosAndCrumbs · 25/12/2023 07:48

I think it’s a weird comment. When my son was my only child, he had serious health issues and life was a nightmare. Things since calmed down and I had a second. I don’t find things harder with two, life is easier in the main. Despite the age gap, they often play together. They both get alone time and I choose what’s for dinner, so it’s a non-issue. I am often late, but that’s partly because of my DH disabilities and partly because three of us have adhd (youngest too young to tell). I always ask how both of them feel and play with them and take them to clubs. Essentially, it’s so situation dependent, I don’t think it makes a lot of sense. I think other posters could be right that she obviously regrets it or finds it tough, but putting that on you through commenting is very odd.

MikeRafone · 25/12/2023 07:50

Repeat after each comment
you made your choice
you made your choice

if she asks you to make a choice

nah it’s unlikely as you give vibes of regret at having more re

Buttercup176 · 25/12/2023 07:53

My eldest is SEN and it would be soooooo much simpler if they were an only child, it’s literally just a fact.

Desecratedcoconut · 25/12/2023 07:59

Well, yes one is easier. Everybody realizes that each subsequent child comes with more work.

I don't think easy is the be-all though. If you only did what was easy, life wouldn't be very interesting or satisfying. I have three and spending time and energy on and with them is my favourite way to be busy.

But commenting on other people's set ups is rude and unnecessary. I cba with people who need to validate their choices by denigrating the choices made by others.

Isthisblocked · 25/12/2023 07:59

I agree with @AnonymousMusing …… DH and I had one child by choice, and that was back in the 80s when it was unusual….. I didn’t have the slightest problem with all the unsolicited views other people felt the need to press on us because I was quite sure the choice was right for me…. it’s your life, your choices, ignore all the people who feel the need to have an opinion on your life….. By the way, DS is now grown, and has chosen to have one child himself…. He tells me he considers he had a very happy childhood and liked the individual time and attention….. He says all his memories are of being tucked in the middle between his father and me, and then just going everywhere with us, because one child is so much more easily portable.

newhaircut · 25/12/2023 08:00

Personally, I found two to be easier than 1 because they play together and became each other's best friend. They are close in age and share the same interests. That's just me however, and we are all different so it doesn't follow that everyone is going to have the same experience.

That said, I never comment on other people's life choices and I won't have them commenting on mine because it's noone else's bloody business what I choose to do. As that saying goes, "If you aren't paying my bills then you haven't earnt the right to comment on my choices".

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 25/12/2023 08:03

Some things are easier with one child, some are harder.
I imagine that having a child with a disability makes some things a lot harder too.
Why is she so concerned with your situation instead of living her own life? Does she regret her choices?

giraffetrousers · 25/12/2023 08:07

Agree with this. "Easy" is a weird word to use because surely not having any kids at all would be the "easiest" option because then you don't have to worry about any kids at all! The word "easy" is silly because it sounds like the competitive parenting olympics. We all have our struggles and challenges and what is hard for me might be "easy" for someone else and vice versa. It's a silly and pointless comment from your friend.

Inthebleakmidwinter2 · 25/12/2023 08:17

I have one and feel I can offer him more choices about dinner etc.. than if I had multiple kids. So she's probably not completely wrong.

However having an only child comes with more mum guilt about playing with them and keeping them entertained, so it's not 'easier' to spend time with them. It's actually more of a pressure on you than if you have multiple children, who can keep each other entertained. So not easier in some ways.

I just tell people I love having one because there's something really special about your relationship with your only child, which is true. And it's odd when people feel the need to dictate to you about having more. It's your body, your choice.

showdis · 25/12/2023 08:18

She sounds envious. I chose to have one child so we'd both have a good quality of life. A friend had 3 (had always wanted 3) and if I made a comment about say the cost of school blazers she'd say "think of me, I have to buy 3". That she chose that position never seemed to occur to her.

Shiningout · 25/12/2023 08:20

I only have one and don't want any more I love being a parent to an only. But I also can't have any more now due to endometriosis surgery so if people try to make shitty comments about him needing a sibling I just tell them that to make them feel awkward. It's rude, I don't really understand why people have 4 kids but I wouldn't dream of making snide comments.

WASZPy · 25/12/2023 08:34

Well, she's right. It's tonnes easier. I often look at people with more than one and wonder why they did that to themselves.

When she says its easier, why don't you just say, 'Yes it is, we are very happy with the decision.'

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 25/12/2023 08:38

Surely it’s easier? We’re probably stopping at one because it seems easier. If it’s not then I may need to reconsider 🤣

Five minutes with DS would remind anyone that it’s still not easy.

RedToothBrush · 25/12/2023 08:51

It's true. And that's one of the reasons we only had one.

But she's wrong about needing siblings. That's bollocks.

And your situation is complicated by disability.

If you had two it would negatively impact the sibling at points and be much harder for you.

Don't let her get to you. Your situation is ideal for you.

crostini · 25/12/2023 08:54

I don't regret my decision to have more than one child at all.

I also know that there are things that are easier with one.

For example, a friend of mine was late to meet me and just shrugged it off as 'you know how it is with kids'. No I don't! If I can wrangle toddlers and babies and myself together and turn up on time, then you can get your one, child ready and out the house without keeping me waiting!

But yes obviously I chose to have multiple and don't regret it, your friends just pointing out the differences, she's likely not trying to piss you off

ChristmasFairyGodmother · 25/12/2023 08:58

Your friend is a dick.

Ellienotelle · 25/12/2023 09:01

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 25/12/2023 08:38

Surely it’s easier? We’re probably stopping at one because it seems easier. If it’s not then I may need to reconsider 🤣

Five minutes with DS would remind anyone that it’s still not easy.

My best friend has 11 (so far) and says it’s easier the more she has! So I think it varies (wildly 😂) how many each person considers ‘easiest’!

HalfasleepChrisintheMorning · 25/12/2023 09:33

Only child with an only child here.
Yes it’s easier, yes it’s cheaper. The downsides are: holidays can be lonely. We make an effort to either holiday with friends or arrange busy holidays eg Disney.
When you are older there’s only one person to worry about your parents which can be stressful.
Everyone makes their own choices that are right for them.
My best friend has 4. I’m sure she wouldn’t have it any other way. To me it looks like hell. We’re all different. Pros and cons.
If she’s commenting like this she’s jealous that you have more time and money.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 25/12/2023 09:42

She sounds dreadful. Next time she makes a stupid comment, I would just say "yes, you're right, it is much easier. I'm so grateful that we decided to stop at one child. It makes it so much easier for me to be the kind of parent that I aspire to be."

ZenNudist · 25/12/2023 10:08

Well 1 child is usually easier than 3 but it's not one third of the work. Very insensitive of your friend to say this when you have a disabled child.

AmazingDayz · 25/12/2023 10:18

I have the opposite, I have 4 and people keep telling me it’s easier than having one as they can “play together” literally never play just argue 😏 one would have been much easier

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