Page 4 | To be bothered about the "it's easy with only one kids" comments

TooIntrovert · 2023-12-25T02:08:56+00:00

A friend of mine often remarks on parenting habits I have as "only possible because I only have one kid". AIBU to be bothered by thi? Things like being on time, giving my kid choices over dinner, asking my kid how he feels about something, playing with my child, getting time alone. I get that these would be harder with more children but surely that doesn't need to be commented on? It's her choice she has 3 and mine I have 1? I'm not asking her for feedback or moaning about anything either she just observes our interactions and shares, out of the blue. Often tells me we should have more children also as siblings are good for kids and "they need siblings to play with", and doesn't want to hear our reasons why we have concerns. Eg if I reply "we were considering it but we have some concerns..." She'll say "lol you guys need to just make up your minds and get on with it!" rather than "oh what are they?" My kid has a disability btw but I don't think that should matter, I don't feel like unsolicited advice /commentary is warranted as everyone has a different capacity for what they can handle 🤷 If IANBU please share clever comebacks! I'm getting so fed up of it.

roundthetwist1990 · 25/12/2023 21:14

I don’t think it’s fair to point it out that it’s easier. I struggled to have a second child and used to hate hearing how quiet our house was and how easy I had it when I desperately wanted a bit more noise and for it to be a bit more chaotic…it’s just not necessary to say. Even if you’re happy with your choice, it sounds smug of someone to say ‘you have it easy because you have one…so no YANBU

AnonymousMusing · 25/12/2023 23:42

roundthetwist1990 · 25/12/2023 21:14

I don’t think it’s fair to point it out that it’s easier. I struggled to have a second child and used to hate hearing how quiet our house was and how easy I had it when I desperately wanted a bit more noise and for it to be a bit more chaotic…it’s just not necessary to say. Even if you’re happy with your choice, it sounds smug of someone to say ‘you have it easy because you have one…so no YANBU

It's also just very weird when people with multiple complain in this way, as if their burden of multiple children was the result random bad luck (which would only be the case if they had a contraceptive failure).

It's a bit like if someone chose to overstretch themselves and took out a massive mortgage to buy a large property and then started whining to their friends living in small properties about how they had it easier because they weren't spending as much of their wages on the mortgage each month.

jhy · 25/12/2023 23:57

You mentioned your child has a disability. This can alone can easily be harder than x3 kids.
My friend has 3 kids and yes she is busy as someone always needs something - it still is easier / happier time than me and my one SEN child.

Cupcakekiller · 26/12/2023 00:00

Generally speaking it is, but there are many other factors that affect the relative "ease"- finances, family support, lone parenting, disability/additional needs/sickness etc. it's not always the case.

OrangeryAt · 26/12/2023 00:03

As noted above several times, it is easier, but I’m not sure why your friend seems to be keen to use this is a stick to beat you with.

Her comments about having another child is straight out of the “validate my life choices by doing to the same” handbook.

oakleaffy · 26/12/2023 00:06

One child is obviously easier.
” One and done” is also much better for the planet.
I just don’t get why people need more than two children tops.

Lemonfoxtrot · 26/12/2023 00:24

SmellyKat10 · 25/12/2023 02:17

Generally speaking it clearly is easier with one 🤷🏻‍♀️ but I’d be irritated by the constant need to pass comment on your life choices.

I’d disagree with this- even in general terms. A friend used to really piss me off with this.

when I only had one, and she had 2 she said this constantly. She totally forgot that her eldest could be left sitting alone playing quietly and safely, while my (now) eldest had ADHD and was the most exhausting child I’ve ever had to deal with.

2 can play together, so often need less of your time. Of course, some
things are easier with one, but there’s pros and cons to everything.

surferparadise · 26/12/2023 07:51

It's also just very weird when people with multiple complain in this way, as if their burden of multiple children was the result random bad luck (which would only be the case if they had a contraceptive failure).

I find this odd too. One of my friends has 6 kids- I don't judge, it's none of my business except that she is always complaining about lack of money and she can't understand why they are always so broke. I mean, isn't it bloody obvious? 😆At least own your choices- if you want multiple kids, that's fine, but you can't really then complain constantly about lack of money

Dabralor · 26/12/2023 07:57

Practically, it is harder with two - all that negotiating and calibrating is just not present with one.
However, I think it can be much more emotionally intense with one - at home, all of their interaction is on you and that can be exhausting.

Twilightstarbright · 26/12/2023 08:24

I hate these comments too. I got really
sick and can’t have more children, which makes me really sad. I don’t need to be told
my life is easier when what I went through was fucking awful and common knowledge.

MIL bangs on all the time about how hard it is for SIL to have 3 kids. I respond that she is highly intelligent woman who planned to have 3 kids and knew it would be a lot of work and it was an active choice on her part.

Getting really sick and losing any fertility wasn’t my choice, just shit luck.

tiggergoesbounce · 26/12/2023 08:38

I have to agree with PP. People who tend to constantly pass comment negatively on something is normally because they are trying to justify and reinforce to themselves that their choice was ok.

Having one is faulous for us. But it doesn't make "everything" easier. It very much depends on the child/children.
And the whole, kids need a sibling is tosh as well. As proven time and time again that this again is child dependant, some would benefit from a sibling, some hate having siblings and wouldn't need or want one at all.

Maybe your friend is using this as she feel bad for being late, not giving her kids individual time etc but if she is constantly doing it - tell her. Or everytime she mentions it just ask her "why, are you struggling with ........ and having 3 as you seem to focus on it a lot" see if she needs help or just unsure of her choices.

mrlistersgelfbride · 26/12/2023 09:56

YANBU. I really dislike these comments. I get them a lot from MIL who raised 4 kids by herself.
But why keep having babies if it's hard? I found it very hard. You don't have to do it more than once to give siblings or for societal norms.
I have loads of childfree friends so feel quite 'normal'. It's only at the school gates or with my ILs that I get comments.
In terms of what to say , if someone says when are you having another the key is to thank them for volunteering their help and make a joke of it.

I say 'Ah so I'll draft you in for babysitting duties! ' or make them uncomfortable - 'Last time I checked you had to have sex to have a baby'- - it tends to shut them up 😂

mrlistersgelfbride · 26/12/2023 10:00

And I really dislike this notion that one kid is the same as having no kids. Sometimes this appears in Mumsnet. I guess it comes from the thought that it is easier to get free time with 1 child.

Sure, having 1 kid must be easier than having 3.
Is it like having no kids? No way.
When I had no kids I went out a lot partying and lazed around on Christmas day eating and watching TV. I was not knee deep in wrapping paper and building a Barbie house when I didn't have a child!

LyricalGangsta · 26/12/2023 10:11

I have 4.
At times it's not been easy but I wouldn't change it.
I can honestly say though I have never commented to a parent of one about how much easier they must have it.
Some people only want one, and some people have only been able to have one for various reasons despite wanting more and I don't want to put my foot in it.

LyricalGangsta · 26/12/2023 10:12

OP - to me it just sounds like maybe she has slight regret at her own life choices

EmpressaurusOfCats · 26/12/2023 10:13

mrlistersgelfbride · 26/12/2023 10:00

And I really dislike this notion that one kid is the same as having no kids. Sometimes this appears in Mumsnet. I guess it comes from the thought that it is easier to get free time with 1 child.

Sure, having 1 kid must be easier than having 3.
Is it like having no kids? No way.
When I had no kids I went out a lot partying and lazed around on Christmas day eating and watching TV. I was not knee deep in wrapping paper and building a Barbie house when I didn't have a child!

Yes, this comes up every so often on threads where women are talking about why they don’t want kids, or aren’t sure whether they do or not. Some idiot will say ‘Just have one!’ as if it’s a compromise.

ACynicalDad · 26/12/2023 10:16

Ours are usually great friends and entertain each other so that reduces the work there for us. It’s swings and roundabouts. Occasionally we do let them have different diners too, definitely not every night but they both like things the other one hates so would otherwise never get to eat.

SisterhoodNotCisterhood · 26/12/2023 11:04

Depends on the parenting. I've got three and didn't find much difference between one and three. If anything, it was a bit harder with one. One child seemed to have more sway in what happened. They had more say. With three it's DH and I in control, making the decisions and being in control of the family. What we did, where we went etc. we also were better organised at getting out on time and the like. The biggest issue we have with three is figuring out how to split takeaways. Really. It's always too much or not enough.

doriangraybutimthepaintingintheattic · 26/12/2023 11:08

We only have one and I have friends who have 5. They never tell us we have it easy having one but they do tell us we should just get on with it, as if it isn't a massive life changing decision. I think the difference is we have to pay for childcare and they don't so their life doesn't change much with each added child whereas I would have to consider giving up work. So I completely get that frustration.

Regarding only having one child, it's definitely easier. If I had 2/3/4 of my kid or those conversations 2/3/4 different ways I would be an absolute shell of myself. BUT my friend with 5 kids has a much easier morning because they all get themselves ready because she doesn't have time to help them all, yet because they're all trained she does nothing for them now. Mine seems to be completely ineffectual when getting ready without my help... unless I'm not there and her bloody dad asks her.

HalfasleepChrisintheMorning · 26/12/2023 13:42

SisterhoodNotCisterhood · 26/12/2023 11:04

Depends on the parenting. I've got three and didn't find much difference between one and three. If anything, it was a bit harder with one. One child seemed to have more sway in what happened. They had more say. With three it's DH and I in control, making the decisions and being in control of the family. What we did, where we went etc. we also were better organised at getting out on time and the like. The biggest issue we have with three is figuring out how to split takeaways. Really. It's always too much or not enough.

This is actually very true. As an only all 3 of us discussed things and decided on things. With DS it’s similar. I actually really like it, both as the child and as the parent. When a “parental” only decision is reached it tends to be something very important and adhered to.