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AIBU?

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Original poster

Unwanted male attention at work

104 replies

Poiou45 · 24/12/2023 23:21

I would appreciate some advice on how to deal with this - now in my 40s!

Unfortunately, I have always had a lot of attention from men, which made me suspicious of many of them. Now in my 40s, I still look young (I was ID-Ed today for buying wine…). The issue is that I am now more senior at work, and many sector heads (all male - same ranking) are coming to my desk a lot to chat. Over the years, they have started to give me preferential treatment, and now others are noticing and making comments. I am good at my job and a good team player, but others are commenting I am getting better treatment due to my good looks. This is insulting, I find, but equally and given my past experiences with many men, I am now doubting a little if their treatment of me is only because of my work.

Any suggestions? Or shall I wait a few years - when I am old to see?!

OP posts:
harerunner · 26/12/2023 08:28

@Beezknees

And I don't think that the answer to that should be wear baggy clothes or put up with unwanted flirting. Again, it's putting the onus on women to control male behaviour.

In an ideal world then no, maybe you're right, but in reality it's more nuanced. Would it be ok to show up at work wearing nothing but sexy lingerie if that's how I want to express myself? If men (or women) were distracted by that, is that just their problem?

I'm presuming you'd think that was inappropriate, as dressing like that would be so obviously extremely sexual.... But wear do we draw the line... a tight top cut just above the nipple with a bare midriff? A short skirt that shows off most of the thigh? It's all a matter of degrees... and all of us with any awareness know that how we dress will impact on the response we get from men and women.

We dress accordingly, and most women instinctively wear clothes in a professional situation that reflect how they want others to respond to them. Men who are lecherous should be called out whatever you are wearing, but to think that how you dress should have zero impact on how others respond to you is to be blind to reality.

harerunner · 26/12/2023 08:29

wear? Where?!

Original poster
Poiou45 · 26/12/2023 08:32

To reply to this - I never wear anything remotely sexy at work. It’s either Hobbs, LK Bennett or Jigsaw. Never tight fitting or revealing. My DH often makes comments that I dress as a nun for work.

OP posts:
Notsurehwhattdo · 26/12/2023 09:11

Plenty of women do well in business, head of Meta in Ireland is female for example. Maybe these guys are just creeps?

Beezknees · 26/12/2023 10:33

harerunner · 26/12/2023 08:28

@Beezknees

And I don't think that the answer to that should be wear baggy clothes or put up with unwanted flirting. Again, it's putting the onus on women to control male behaviour.

In an ideal world then no, maybe you're right, but in reality it's more nuanced. Would it be ok to show up at work wearing nothing but sexy lingerie if that's how I want to express myself? If men (or women) were distracted by that, is that just their problem?

I'm presuming you'd think that was inappropriate, as dressing like that would be so obviously extremely sexual.... But wear do we draw the line... a tight top cut just above the nipple with a bare midriff? A short skirt that shows off most of the thigh? It's all a matter of degrees... and all of us with any awareness know that how we dress will impact on the response we get from men and women.

We dress accordingly, and most women instinctively wear clothes in a professional situation that reflect how they want others to respond to them. Men who are lecherous should be called out whatever you are wearing, but to think that how you dress should have zero impact on how others respond to you is to be blind to reality.

Nobody goes to work wearing lingerie though. That's just being dramatic. There was a suggestion upthread about wearing a scarf or gilet to hide the fact that we have boobs. Utterly ridiculous.

ribinron · 26/12/2023 12:41

Dogknowsbest · 25/12/2023 06:43

Some posters on here are really brutal. I've had similar issues OP. No-one believes there's a down side to being attractive. I now keep all conversations with men about work / professional and I basically don't talk to men unless I have to. It helps keep me sane.

The same. I think a badly phrased OP hasn't helped though. I might start a different thread!

I'd love tips on how to deal with unwanted attention from men. The much older men are the worst somehow, I'm not sure why. I deal with it by maintaining a reserve and frosty politeness but sometimes that's not enough to deter some of these people.

GreyCarpet · 26/12/2023 12:55

PaperDoIIs · 25/12/2023 00:11

It's more because they got ID'd at 40 Grin

Show quote history

I have a friend who got ID'd into her early 40s.

She put a post on fb this morning. It's unfiltered. She's the same age as me and there is not a line on her! She looks no different in person. She also has quite a 'youthful' face generally so doesnt have that 'mature' look either. She doesn't look anywhere near nearly 50! 35 at most.

People are so snippy and jealous!

GreyCarpet · 26/12/2023 13:00

And if you’re in your 40s then please don’t worry about this (if you genuinely are worried) it too will pass because you’ll gradually become invisible to them

Don't bank on it.

I'm 49 and still get it.

Was told by a group of lads in their 20s I was 'fit as fuck' on Friday.

Never understand why some women are so bitchy towards other women because of their unwanted attention from men.

Disturbia81 · 26/12/2023 13:57

misslooloo · 26/12/2023 06:41

I didn’t say that. I never said older women are unattractive.

I said beauty visits us, it’s not an absolute state. I stand by that. My grandmas is still beautiful in her 90s but that’s not the point of the post. OP is talking about the conventional, socially accepted beauty that attracts a lot of men and that will gradually diminish. If you don’t believe me, then look at posts from post-menopausal women who regularly talk about becoming invisible. This is not something I have made up!

it’s an undeniable fact that male attention drops off as we age. I don’t see many women in their 60s being letched over at work. That doesn’t make them ugly.

Well yeah probably don't get attention from men younger, same as younger women don't look at older men, but who wants that attention? but from being around my mum, aunties, grandma etc it doesn't end from men in their generation, more subtle as the testosterone wanes. I don't understand the invisibility thing.

inonchg · 26/12/2023 13:59

I'm 49 and still get it

I don't think it stops for an awfully long time, and certainly not 40s. The 20 years older men are still pestering and trying their luck too, as they always have. 😞

Disturbia81 · 26/12/2023 13:59

@ribinron The older men are worse because they didn't grow up learning about respecting women, consent, metoo, not grabbing random women etc. Men can be friends with women now, we aren't this exotic species. It was more of a free for all and perverts were normalised back then

inonchg · 26/12/2023 14:03

@Poiou45

Did you mention arm touching in an innocent way? I've had trouble with one man doing this recently. He apologised the first time then did it again a second time the following day (and this time didn't apologise). I've been making sure to stand a distance away from him now so that he can't do it.

You feel you can't complain as it's someone gesturing with their arms while talking, or making a point, then a quick touch of your arm. I find it horrible. It's happened before, and it's usually older men.

ribinron · 26/12/2023 16:02

Disturbia81 · 26/12/2023 13:59

@ribinron The older men are worse because they didn't grow up learning about respecting women, consent, metoo, not grabbing random women etc. Men can be friends with women now, we aren't this exotic species. It was more of a free for all and perverts were normalised back then

I think you might be right.

GreyCarpet · 26/12/2023 16:14

inonchg · 26/12/2023 13:59

I'm 49 and still get it

I don't think it stops for an awfully long time, and certainly not 40s. The 20 years older men are still pestering and trying their luck too, as they always have. 😞

Ain't that the truth! 🤣

BIWI · 26/12/2023 16:17

Disturbia81 · 26/12/2023 13:59

@ribinron The older men are worse because they didn't grow up learning about respecting women, consent, metoo, not grabbing random women etc. Men can be friends with women now, we aren't this exotic species. It was more of a free for all and perverts were normalised back then

How old are you talking about?! That's a horribly ageist statement to make.

DH is 65 and I can tell you that he knows very clearly about all of those things!

You have a general man problem, not an old man problem.

Disturbia81 · 26/12/2023 16:50

@biwi Crikey calm down. I don't mean all older men, my dad wasn't like that. I mean the older pervy men. They were allowed to get away with it

BIWI · 26/12/2023 17:00

I think you'll find that there are plenty of younger pervy men too!

And I'm quite calm, thank you.

Datinlove · 26/12/2023 18:13

BIWI 😂🙈

ribinron · 26/12/2023 19:31

@BIWI Hmm

Agree with disturbia that you need to calm down. My father (in his early 60s) isn't like that either.
I'm not sure why you've taken it personally. No ageism involved. Lots of threads here about some entitled older men, and it's a sad fact.

FizzyLaser · 27/12/2023 08:31

Disturbia81 · 26/12/2023 16:50

@biwi Crikey calm down. I don't mean all older men, my dad wasn't like that. I mean the older pervy men. They were allowed to get away with it

Please don’t tell women to calm down when they have an opinion

ribinron · 27/12/2023 10:46

@FizzyLaser
AS search shows that poster is in her 60s and she's been derailing a lot of threads with an ageist agenda. That's not what was happening here as has been explained to her. It's a real problem and this thread would have been better moved to relationships.

BIWI · 27/12/2023 10:57

@ribinron Ha ha ha! Grin If you'd really done an AS you'd have found that I post about a lot more than that, in a lot of different threads and a lot of different topics. Which is not surprising, as I've been here for almost 18 years.

For the record, I'm quite calm.

And yes, I have an anti ageist agenda. Nothing wrong with that - would you object if I had one for sexism or racism (or any other -ism)?

Also interesting that when objecting to ageism you see it as derailing. How bizarre is your perspective.

Oh, and I'm not taking it personally. Ageism can apply to any age, not just to those of us over 60. Although it's fair to say that there's a lot of the latter on Mumsnet.

Disturbia81 · 27/12/2023 11:08

It's actually very silencing when people can't point out behaviour that has been experienced without being jumped on. Very unhealthy attitude @BIWI

And she does need to calm down @FizzyLaser. She took it personally when it wasn't. So please don't tell me not to say something.

FizzyLaser · 27/12/2023 11:24

Not sure how anyone having an anti-ages agenda is a bad thing

FizzyLaser · 27/12/2023 11:24

She said she was quite calm. How do you know more?