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Original poster

Unwanted male attention at work

104 replies

Poiou45 · 24/12/2023 23:21

I would appreciate some advice on how to deal with this - now in my 40s!

Unfortunately, I have always had a lot of attention from men, which made me suspicious of many of them. Now in my 40s, I still look young (I was ID-Ed today for buying wine…). The issue is that I am now more senior at work, and many sector heads (all male - same ranking) are coming to my desk a lot to chat. Over the years, they have started to give me preferential treatment, and now others are noticing and making comments. I am good at my job and a good team player, but others are commenting I am getting better treatment due to my good looks. This is insulting, I find, but equally and given my past experiences with many men, I am now doubting a little if their treatment of me is only because of my work.

Any suggestions? Or shall I wait a few years - when I am old to see?!

OP posts:
Cosycover · 25/12/2023 16:10

FamilyRestful · 25/12/2023 06:57

I think the mean replies have been uncalled for.
As I read your op I remembered a couple of women in my old place of work. Both are Black women and definitely looked much younger than their age. They got a lot of male attention.

I am not victim blaming or saying it's justified to be harassed by men for it buuuut, they both had very curvy bodies which I know look best in stretchy and fitted clothes as looser clothes look like a tent and make you look 4 times the size when you are curvy with a slim waist. The women were attractive facially, but the wig or weave, the heavy make up, the fitted clothes that accenruated their shape were getting them sexual attention.

If you are blessed in the body department, you will get sexual attention from men for it. I would tone the look down, looser, longer clothes, dress more professiinally and modestly. A fitted shift dress can be plain on certain bodies but almost immodest on someone else. Hide your curves , because this type of attention is primal and not about having a pretty face, it's your body speaking louder than your professional performance.

Colleagues absolutely notice when a woman is flirting (not saying you are) or using her looks to advance in her career. The only real solution IMO is to have a wardrobe and make up that de emphasize your appearance and desexualise it eg no smokey eyes, red lipstick or lipgloss, hair up, less eyelashes, skirts below the knee, if you are wearing a fitted high neck for example drape a.scarf on your chest or wear a gilet on top.

What the actual fuck!!??

22FrustatedUser · 25/12/2023 16:25

PaperDoIIs · 24/12/2023 23:47

Was it morning when you woke up?

🤣🤣🤣

Riverstep · 25/12/2023 17:04

I honestly think the answer lies in your workplace dynamic. 80% of your colleagues and all the dept heads are male. If you worked in an area with a lot more female workers, the men would be able to distribute their flirtations more equally. That isn’t really an option for them in your workplace.

Notsurehwhattdo · 25/12/2023 17:07

Just Googled Samantha Brick... Yeah, she's bang average alright

rasellagirl · 25/12/2023 17:12

Hilarious

RichardsGear · 25/12/2023 17:21

I've been in every supermarket going over the years buying booze and never once been asked for ID 😭.

Missingmyusername · 25/12/2023 17:24

Well does it bother you? Use it to your advantage as I guarantee it doesn’t last forever!

Datinlove · 25/12/2023 17:53

Disgusting comments on here.

OP, every workplace I’ve worked I’ve had senior men coming onto me. And then the jealously of some women, like those posting on this group.

My advice is to keep doing what you’re doing, don’t chat any more than you have to with your male colleagues and ignore the haters.

Prettyinred · 25/12/2023 18:12

Samantha brick was told by her employer to be outrageous and say she was beautiful
it was all for marketing
she wasn’t ever serious.

poetryandwine · 25/12/2023 18:45

Just stay professional, do your job and don’t give anyone a reason to criticise you, OP.

(I think you should be able to dress as you prefer for work, within common sense of course. That’s not what I meant as a reason to criticise you.) If you are sure you aren’t doing anything wrong most other people will come around.

Out of curiosity, just how long is it until you think you will be old?

Jumpingthruhoops · 25/12/2023 19:24

Beezknees · 25/12/2023 07:00

This is old fashioned nonsense. No woman should have to hide their body because men can't control themselves. Terrible attitude.

Show quote history

Totally agree. The suggestion that women should dress like a plain jane to fend of unwanted attention is both ill-informed and rather insulting.

FizzyLaser · 25/12/2023 19:27

Oh dear me

misslooloo · 25/12/2023 19:51

I’m curious to know what “vibes” you’re giving off!

And I’m also curious to know how many assumptions about these men you’re making. In my younger, more attractive and more foolish days, I was convinced a particular new colleague had the hots for me. He didn’t. He was gay. 😂 I cringe and laugh at this now as my own self awareness has developed with age.

And if you’re in your 40s then please don’t worry about this (if you genuinely are worried) it too will pass because you’ll gradually become invisible to them.

The best advice I ever received was to understand that beauty merely visits us, it’s not an absolute condition.

Disturbia81 · 25/12/2023 21:36

misslooloo · 25/12/2023 19:51

I’m curious to know what “vibes” you’re giving off!

And I’m also curious to know how many assumptions about these men you’re making. In my younger, more attractive and more foolish days, I was convinced a particular new colleague had the hots for me. He didn’t. He was gay. 😂 I cringe and laugh at this now as my own self awareness has developed with age.

And if you’re in your 40s then please don’t worry about this (if you genuinely are worried) it too will pass because you’ll gradually become invisible to them.

The best advice I ever received was to understand that beauty merely visits us, it’s not an absolute condition.

Yuck! Older women are beautiful
OP why do you think this attention is because you look young?

Saschka · 25/12/2023 21:52

determinedtomakethiswork · 25/12/2023 00:11

Who is that woman who used to write in the daily mail about how she was treated unfairly because she was so beautiful and she wasn't beautiful?

I remember AA Gill writing a piece in the Sunday Times about how awful it was that the young girl he’d left his wife and children for was a gorgeous model and everyone was jealous of him, and how was he ever going to learn to cope with this terrible new situation Hmm

Getting similar humblebrag vibes from OP.

Datinlove · 25/12/2023 23:13

OP why do you think this attention is because you look young?

🙄

Atre · 26/12/2023 00:19

When you say you'll soon be old to see, are you going blind OP? If so this could account for some of the thoughts you are having.

Jumpingthruhoops · 26/12/2023 02:25

And if you’re in your 40s then please don’t worry about this (if you genuinely are worried) it too will pass because you’ll gradually become invisible to them

Respectfully that's nonsense. I know lots of 40-something women who still have no problem attracting attention. Invisible my arse!

misslooloo · 26/12/2023 06:41

I didn’t say that. I never said older women are unattractive.

I said beauty visits us, it’s not an absolute state. I stand by that. My grandmas is still beautiful in her 90s but that’s not the point of the post. OP is talking about the conventional, socially accepted beauty that attracts a lot of men and that will gradually diminish. If you don’t believe me, then look at posts from post-menopausal women who regularly talk about becoming invisible. This is not something I have made up!

it’s an undeniable fact that male attention drops off as we age. I don’t see many women in their 60s being letched over at work. That doesn’t make them ugly.

MarieG10 · 26/12/2023 06:58

The issue is more with the staff that are making these suggestions rather than the men. It isn't clear why there is some evidence this is all based on your looks as opposed to your position and responsibilities. They need challenging and dealing with

harerunner · 26/12/2023 07:54

@Beezknees

It's ridiculous to think that how a woman dresses has any affect on how men behave. OP hasn't even mentioned clothing or how she dresses! I was sexually assaulted on the street in daytime while wearing an incredibly unsexy work uniform. Certainly wasn't putting out any "vibes".

I'm so sorry you were sexually assaulted, and the evil man who's gone out onto a street in broad daylight to assault someone isn't going to care about vibes.

That said, it's absurd to say that how a woman dresses has no effect on how men behave and respond to you. It's on a parr with saying that "it's ridiculous to think that gorging in food will make you fat", or "it's ridiculous to think that you'll get scalded by pouring boiling water on your hand".

Of course men will respond differently if you make an effort to look stunning and blatantly show off your curves, than if you make zero effort and wear baggy ill-fitting clothes.

harerunner · 26/12/2023 08:10

.... others are making out they are only nice to me because I am “pretty”. Their words/are not mine.

Those who said this to you would be a pretty unpleasant characters. Who in their right mind would say this to a colleague?! It's just not something a decent person would ever say.

Their bitchiness and the unpleasantness of their personalities will be apparent to men, who won't be as friendly with them as a result.

So all this may well have nothing to do with how "hot" you are - and from what you've written, you don't seem to be presenting in a particularly sexual way at all - but more to do with the fact you're just pleasant to be around compared to your bitchy colleagues.

Beezknees · 26/12/2023 08:11

harerunner · 26/12/2023 07:54

@Beezknees

It's ridiculous to think that how a woman dresses has any affect on how men behave. OP hasn't even mentioned clothing or how she dresses! I was sexually assaulted on the street in daytime while wearing an incredibly unsexy work uniform. Certainly wasn't putting out any "vibes".

I'm so sorry you were sexually assaulted, and the evil man who's gone out onto a street in broad daylight to assault someone isn't going to care about vibes.

That said, it's absurd to say that how a woman dresses has no effect on how men behave and respond to you. It's on a parr with saying that "it's ridiculous to think that gorging in food will make you fat", or "it's ridiculous to think that you'll get scalded by pouring boiling water on your hand".

Of course men will respond differently if you make an effort to look stunning and blatantly show off your curves, than if you make zero effort and wear baggy ill-fitting clothes.

And I don't think that the answer to that should be wear baggy clothes or put up with unwanted flirting. Again, it's putting the onus on women to control male behaviour.

harerunner · 26/12/2023 08:12

MarieG10 · 26/12/2023 06:58

The issue is more with the staff that are making these suggestions rather than the men. It isn't clear why there is some evidence this is all based on your looks as opposed to your position and responsibilities. They need challenging and dealing with

Yes, 100% agree. The issue is with the OP's bitchy colleagues.

Original poster
Poiou45 · 26/12/2023 08:27

There are a lot of interesting views here. Thank you to those who gave practical and well-meaning advice.
To respond to some others, I don’t give out any vibes at work. I am busy, and I have a kid. Hardly walking around the office and giving “come onto me vibes”.
As a result of my previous life experiences, I don’t wear tight-fitting clothes, but I do use natural make-up, and I do look after myself. I don’t have any curves or boobs! But I am tall, slim and healthy-looking. I am also confident and not afraid to speak up in the business context, hence why I am a sector head. Why men find that attractive- I don’t know.
As for if I am “imagining” all of this - for example, I was asked by a colleague to join him on a work trip 15 times and counting so we can “enjoy some quality time together”. And he’s not the only one that asked me that. I am not saying all men at work flirt with me - many are indifferent to me - which suits me. I wish all were indifferent to me. Probably, as I age more, they will.
It is disgusting to minimise what’s happening to women. One of the posters above said that above. As a 14-year-old girl, my teacher was making inappropriate comments to me/“was innocently touching my arms and back”. Then he was conditioning my marks on my behaviour towards him. But ok, I made that up because I was slender - how could a man be interested in that?
The rumours at work are what makes me mad, as in how can an “attractive” woman get head. I am the only senior woman there. Also, note I never said I am attractive- that’s what others are implying.
I feel sad for our daughters and what’s coming to them. It feels like nothing is changing.

OP posts: