Unwanted male attention at work

[Poiou45]

I would appreciate some advice on how to deal with this - now in my 40s!

Unfortunately, I have always had a lot of attention from men, which made me suspicious of many of them. Now in my 40s, I still look young (I was ID-Ed today for buying wine…). The issue is that I am now more senior at work, and many sector heads (all male - same ranking) are coming to my desk a lot to chat. Over the years, they have started to give me preferential treatment, and now others are noticing and making comments. I am good at my job and a good team player, but others are commenting I am getting better treatment due to my good looks. This is insulting, I find, but equally and given my past experiences with many men, I am now doubting a little if their treatment of me is only because of my work.

Any suggestions? Or shall I wait a few years - when I am old to see?!

Some harsh posting here. Any women getting unwanted attention off men should be supported. This whole "it must be awful to have men drooling over you" sarcasm is so misogynistic.

I would be polite and professional. Don't engage in chats that could be seen as flirty. Keep conversation in work time professional. Theres always people who want to put others down for their success. Women regularly get told they are successful for their looks or it must be they are ticking some box or because they slept their way to the top. Its how men ensure women are kept in their place. And unfortunately sometimes women join in to ensure it's someone else not them. Rise above it and enjoy your success. If anyone says it to your face I would say "did you mean that to sound so rude?" And walk away. I would also report to hr if you feel you are being harassed.

Crikey some people are bitchy. Wind your necks in.

id try to distance myself from them, if they come over be busy. Dont be chatty with them. And if anyone crosses a line be firm about that. Men at work can be right arseholes.

Some posters on here are really brutal. I've had similar issues OP. No-one believes there's a down side to being attractive. I now keep all conversations with men about work / professional and I basically don't talk to men unless I have to. It helps keep me sane.

I think the mean replies have been uncalled for.
As I read your op I remembered a couple of women in my old place of work. Both are Black women and definitely looked much younger than their age. They got a lot of male attention.

I am not victim blaming or saying it's justified to be harassed by men for it buuuut, they both had very curvy bodies which I know look best in stretchy and fitted clothes as looser clothes look like a tent and make you look 4 times the size when you are curvy with a slim waist. The women were attractive facially, but the wig or weave, the heavy make up, the fitted clothes that accenruated their shape were getting them sexual attention.

If you are blessed in the body department, you will get sexual attention from men for it. I would tone the look down, looser, longer clothes, dress more professiinally and modestly. A fitted shift dress can be plain on certain bodies but almost immodest on someone else. Hide your curves , because this type of attention is primal and not about having a pretty face, it's your body speaking louder than your professional performance.

Colleagues absolutely notice when a woman is flirting (not saying you are) or using her looks to advance in her career. The only real solution IMO is to have a wardrobe and make up that de emphasize your appearance and desexualise it eg no smokey eyes, red lipstick or lipgloss, hair up, less eyelashes, skirts below the knee, if you are wearing a fitted high neck for example drape a.scarf on your chest or wear a gilet on top.

This is old fashioned nonsense. No woman should have to hide their body because men can't control themselves. Terrible attitude.

@Beezknees my advice is based on the sad reality while your view is based on a feminist utopia. What we wear sends a message and impacts how others treat us, consciously or subconsciously we all make judgements. If you dress like you're going to the club or on a date to work, that's the vibes you're putting out. People can't read your mind but they will read you from appearance and body language.

It's ridiculous to think that how a woman dresses has any affect on how men behave. OP hasn't even mentioned clothing or how she dresses!

I was sexually assaulted on the street in daytime while wearing an incredibly unsexy work uniform. Certainly wasn't putting out any "vibes".

Can pps, really not imagine that being an attractive women in the work place, particularly male dominated work place, can be difficult? Why do women pile on successful, attractive women, like this? Some shameful comments on here. Off topic - my 13 yo hasn't woke up yet - my DS's and I used to be up at 4!

Just remain professional and let your work speak for itself. Remain above reproach. Haters are just going to look jealous.

Yes, if you have assets, definitely flaunt them. Low cut dresses, short skirts, high heels, lots of makeup, it’s all totally appropriate for work nowadays.

I'm sorry you were assaulted and I hope you received support with this.
I wasn't talking about sexual assault and rape, animals and children get attacked so it's certainly not about their 'vibes'. SA and rape are about power and control, not sexiness. The topic of the op is about being approached and flirted with by male coworkers, it's not about SA and my suggestions were accordingly.

How a woman or a man dresses can definitely attract more or less attention, from either sex. Predators are looking for vulnerability and that could be suggested by dress or demeanor, too, although of course context (no one else around to interfere) is more important than how one dresses.

I'm super scruffy OP. If you want tips on how to be overlooked & ignored by men, I'm the advisor you need. I expect your PM at any time so you can reap the bounty of my wisdom on this matter.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I understand what some posters are trying to say about how you dress and the sad reality of being a woman.

My position is that you should be able to dress how you like, if there are dress codes obviously they must be followed but be it a Hijab or a Bikini no woman should be harassed for what they wear.

As a pp said keep interactions professional. If anyone steps over the line then make it clear it is unacceptable. Using the word “inappropriate” may yield some results, so rather than the Mumsnet standard Did you mean to be rude, try “that’s inappropriate in the office”.

I

Over the years, they have started to give me preferential treatment,

others are commenting I am getting better treatment due to my good looks. This is insulting

Why is it insulting? You’ve said yourself that you get preferential treatment.

I don’t know why people are criticising OP for being confident in how she looks- confidence is attractive so she likely is getting the attention she describes. OP, If you are good at your job, ignore the snide comments that successful women unfortunately get.
If you want to get ID’d in your 40s/50s just go to a London Waitrose. I’ve seen grey haired people get ID’d. I couldn't even buy alcohol free beer there without my passport. They said they get ‘testers’ coming around so are OTT on the checks. Also, the older and shorter sighted the employees, the more 40 year olds start to look like youngsters 😂.

Remain professional and let your work speak for itself. Be breezy but busy, talking encourages them and will simply look to others like you're welcoming it.

Or you could get the opposite problem. A friend of mine, a fit, good-looking triathlete of 48, went into Homebase on a Thursday morning and was asked if he was eligible for the ‘OAP discount’. He’s not over it yet.

Merry Christmas!
Thank you for your views! To point out, I have a body of a 12-year-old boy 🤣 No boobs, hips or nice curves! I wear Hobbs to work - a size larger generally, so it’s loose, and I don’t get any further attention. 80% of my work colleagues and all sector heads on my level are male. I have to talk to them, and we must be in touch daily on projects. I don’t flirt; I do, however, look after myself and exercise and eat healthy. I don’t wear too much make-up but have nice highlights! I am a sector head with years of experience, but since I have learned to get along with several complex sector heads at work, others are making out they are only nice to me because I am “pretty”. Their words/are not mine. I don’t need extra attention; I am a married woman with a child. Why men pay me attention- I don’t know; I purposely try to minimise my body/looks, etc. Not to be an arse, but I have had this since I was a teenager- often inappropriate attention from male teachers, sports trainers, then tutors, and lecturers at universities, then work colleagues/bosses - it’s not fun at all. I could write a book of inappropriate comments said to me by people who should have never said those. So, no, I am not after atttention at work - I want to be recognised for my efforts and those are minimised as many men find me “attractive”.

In what way do you want to be recognised for your efforts though?

If you're a sector head, building good collegiate relationships, then it seems you ARE being recognised for your efforts?

Is it that you want everyone around you to agree (vocally, presumably) that got to where you are only by merit and pure hard graft? You want everyone to praise you for this? That's unlikely to happen. If it wasn't your attractiveness that people were attributing to your success, it would be something else.

I find that people who are unhappy with their lot (even if it's very good) always find a reason to explain away others success. Particularly if you are a woman

However unless it strays into bullying or false rumours it rarely does any harm

@TheOccupier

I got asked for id for a wine purchase this week and I'm 65. It's required,that's all.

Get over yourself.

boyish figure, no makeup, wearing fugly clothes like this & still the school teachers were hitting on OP. Sure. That happened.

And this. The dog threw up no waist algae soup baby poo colour dress. If this doesn't repel male attention I don't know what would.