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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this pregnancy discrimination?

83 replies

bexboz · 24/12/2023 20:15

My friends (two women in a same sex marriage) were telling me this. Let's call them A and B. They are having fertility treatment at a private clinic. They both want to carry a child. They started with A but had lots of issues and struggles and it has taken several years. In the meantime they decided B should get pregnant, she did with the first round of IUI and is currently about 8 months pregnant. They also decided to continue with A's fertility treatment as they feel like they are running out of time and even if she did get pregnant now, they would be ok with having two babies spaced so close together (for them, better than risking A not getting the chance to carry). Ok so that's their choice - that decision isn't what this post is about....

The discrimination question is about their fertility clinic which has a policy of not allowing babies and pregnant women into the waiting room because it can be upsetting for the other patients. I totally get this, it must be so hard to see. But at the same time it means that A can't have B there ---- - her WIFE - while she goes through all these procedures. It's already so stressful, but B isn't allowed to be there as she is visibly pregnant.

Maternity is a protected characteristic like race etc- it wouldn't be ok so say "no you can't come in because you are gay/trans/asian/ Jewish" so why can they say "no you can't come because you are pregnant" ?

AIBU to think it's really unfair?

OP posts:

NewIdeasToday · 24/12/2023 20:18

Surely the issue here is about sensitivity towards the other patients rather than discrimination?

usererror99 · 24/12/2023 20:21

See I've done loads of fertility treatment and I did most of it alone I really don't get the need to have someone there holding your hand whilst they count follicles - personal I guess

I think they just have to suck this one up I'm
Afraid. They are in a fairly unusual situation going down this route given their already happy circumstances. They aren't under going treatment because they are medically infertile like a lot of the other patients ....

pavementmutation · 24/12/2023 20:22

That policy sounds like a proportionate means of achieving a legitimate aim.

Dotjones · 24/12/2023 20:22

No that's not discrimination, the rule applies equally to all couples. It's about protecting other couples (women) trying for a pregnancy. If this were discrimination then it would be discrimination to not allow a man into a women's rape crisis centre.

ChateauDuMont · 24/12/2023 20:22

No it's not discrimination. 🙄.

ClareBlue · 24/12/2023 20:23

You say you totally get why the rule is there but want it to not apply to this couple, therefore indicating you really don't get why the rule is there

PuttingDownRoots · 24/12/2023 20:24

Just the waiting room? The best course of action would be an alternative waiting place or first appointment of the day.

Allthatglittersisntart · 24/12/2023 20:25

YABU. It’s a sensible policy to shelter people at a vulnerable moment.
How would they have felt seeing successfully pregnant women when they were struggling(and they had double thechance of the average couple!). Can’t some-one else support your non-pregnant friend during appointments?

DontGoGran · 24/12/2023 20:26

I don't know how much difference a positive attitude can make to fertility treatment, I'm sure the answer is probably 'negligible', but either way you don't want to be putting vulnerable, sensitive women in a bad frame of mind before what could be very difficult and complex appointments when it can be easily avoided by saying 'no pregnant women or babies'.

Elfon · 24/12/2023 20:26

I think the rule is a bit OTT to be honest and I’ve done IVF. Pregnant women and babies are everywhere. You can’t pretend they don’t exist.

Edf · 24/12/2023 20:27

As someone going through this and very vunerable right now, I think this is perfectly reasonable and something that, rightly or wrongly, would trigger me massively

FiddleLeaf · 24/12/2023 20:29

YABU. I’ve been sat in that waiting room minutes after being told of our miscarriage. It’s not the place for bumps.

KombuchaKalling · 24/12/2023 20:30

Hardly discrimination. It’s just being sensitive about other people. Im sure she will be fine. I had fertility treatment on my own during the pandemic and l survived. I’m sure they will cope -they at least got one child out of IVF and lots of people don’t even get that out of it.

Mrgrinch · 24/12/2023 20:30

I would have been really upset to see a pregnant woman in the fertility clinic. Unless you've been in that position you don't understand how much something like that would affect you.

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 24/12/2023 20:31

Having done IVF I get this. I also didn't need my husband at every appointment. Literally to do sample and transfer and on the first viability scan.

I understand why maybe could they have first appointment of day? Partner waits in car and goes straight in?

ElevenSeven · 24/12/2023 20:32

Surely they, of all people, would understand how upsetting this would be for someone who needs fertility treatment?

No, it’s not discrimination. Plenty of people go to appointments alone all the time.

Crooklodge · 24/12/2023 20:33

I've gotten pregnant at the sight of sperm. I agree with the clinic to be honest.

KombuchaKalling · 24/12/2023 20:33

@Whatelsecouldibecalled problem is everyone wants first appointment of the day. Especially when your previous cycles have failed, you’ve ran out of leave and your employer doesn’t have an IVF policy. At some points, in some places you have 4 or 5 appointments a week

AhBiscuits · 24/12/2023 20:35

It's not discrimination and it's not unfair. Anyone with half a brain could see that upsetting dozens of women to benefit 2 is not fair.

colourfulchinadolls · 24/12/2023 20:45

Yabu.

Your friends aren't infertile or struggling to get pregnant in a heterosexual relationship. They're wanting fertility treatment when one of them is already pregnant due to this being easier for them timings wise. You're being so unreasonable.

They should think themselves lucky that one of them is pregnant.

Krampussy · 24/12/2023 20:52

AhBiscuits · 24/12/2023 20:35

It's not discrimination and it's not unfair. Anyone with half a brain could see that upsetting dozens of women to benefit 2 is not fair.

I agree.

Treefusis · 24/12/2023 21:00

I’ve had ivf that failed, and I think the policy is daft. You can’t avoid pregnant women.

But if it’s the rule then either they have to get on with it, or find a different clinic which doesn’t have that rule (ours didn’t).

NannyGythaOgg · 24/12/2023 21:03

YABvU.

Your wants do not transcend the needs of other women who aren't lucky enough to be in your position. Whatever happens here you, as a couple, have a baby on the way

Treefusis · 24/12/2023 21:04

colourfulchinadolls · 24/12/2023 20:45

Yabu.

They should think themselves lucky that one of them is pregnant.

A is struggling with infertility- lots of problems and taking years, that is why they are doing things the way they are.

They should think themselves lucky that one of them is pregnant.

It doesn’t work like that. People are allowed to be sad that they can’t get pregnant even if they already have a child.

Treefusis · 24/12/2023 21:05

NannyGythaOgg · 24/12/2023 21:03

YABvU.

Your wants do not transcend the needs of other women who aren't lucky enough to be in your position. Whatever happens here you, as a couple, have a baby on the way

@bexboz isn’t part of the couple, they are friends of hers.

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