Is this pregnancy discrimination?

[bexboz]

My friends (two women in a same sex marriage) were telling me this. Let's call them A and B. They are having fertility treatment at a private clinic. They both want to carry a child. They started with A but had lots of issues and struggles and it has taken several years. In the meantime they decided B should get pregnant, she did with the first round of IUI and is currently about 8 months pregnant. They also decided to continue with A's fertility treatment as they feel like they are running out of time and even if she did get pregnant now, they would be ok with having two babies spaced so close together (for them, better than risking A not getting the chance to carry). Ok so that's their choice - that decision isn't what this post is about....

The discrimination question is about their fertility clinic which has a policy of not allowing babies and pregnant women into the waiting room because it can be upsetting for the other patients. I totally get this, it must be so hard to see. But at the same time it means that A can't have B there ---- - her WIFE - while she goes through all these procedures. It's already so stressful, but B isn't allowed to be there as she is visibly pregnant.

Maternity is a protected characteristic like race etc- it wouldn't be ok so say "no you can't come in because you are gay/trans/asian/ Jewish" so why can they say "no you can't come because you are pregnant" ?

AIBU to think it's really unfair?

My husband wasn’t allowed to attend any appointments with me in 2020-21 when I was having countless rounds of IVF and I coped - as we all did during that time.

In the clinic I went they had morning slots for pregnant women and afternoon for fertility treatments for the same reason; if that’s the case can they move A’s appointments to times they see pregnant women?

I think they could argue health and safety some how.

If you read that link you will see that you can refuse access or services to pregnant women for THEIR health/safety (for example refuse to allow them on a rollercoaster)- you can’t refuse in case someone else’s feelings are hurt.

It’s not discrimination , it’s their rules . A can take someone else with her .

Pregnancy is a protected characteristic but as with all protected characteristics, there are still circumstances where it’s allowable to refuse certain things. This would be one of them.

I don’t really see why A actually needs B there for this, pregnant or not.

(I also think the idea that it’s essential for them both to give birth to children is a bit weird, as it suggests more of an interest in pregnancy than in actual parenthood, but that’s another conversation.)

I’m also intrigued on how they would cope with 2 under 2. I have 8 month old twins so know first hand how hard it is 🤣

I wouldn’t say it’s discrimation no. I’ve had multiple miscarriages and twice have had to be admitted for surgical management. Both times I had to wait in the waiting room with pregnant women which honestly sucked so bad but the ward staff was kind enough to put me in a single room.

It’s a bit tricky that she’s the wife though and the woman going through fertility treatment should be able to have a support person there. Maybe the clinic could offer a special arrangement like a different waiting area/sneaking her in through the back door. I can see both sides.

Maybe they should do what other couples do and just aim for one pregnancy at a time whilst undergoing fertility treatment? Slightly reminds of the gay men wanting several children through surrogacy at the same time.

(I also think the idea that it’s essential for them both to give birth to children is a bit weird, as it suggests more of an interest in pregnancy than in actual parenthood, but that’s another conversation.)

if it’s weird to want a biological child or weird for a woman to want to be pregnant, it would apply to all couples who have their own biological children instead of adopting.

Should we not be questioning why we thought that was a good idea not encouraging it. OP is the mum even showing I didn't show until 30 weeks and even then could have passed it off as having gained weight if I wore a baggy top. I was a size 8 pre pregnancy and a size 12 at delivery

Presumably they would cope like you do, and the millions of other parents who have 2 under 2.

YABU imo. One of the hardest parts when I had multiple miscarriages was having to sit in the waiting room for the doctor surrounded by visibly pregnant, happy women. It made it much harder at the time.

It's not discrimination. If I saw a lesbian couple in the waiting room at my clinic and one woman in the couple was visibily pregnant, I wouldn't be happy.

Although in my case I've been on this journey a good while and I'd do better to ignore you by watching the cringefest that is daytime TV.

Bumps and babies are everywhere. I'm straight and in a heterosexual relationship and married. We don't care that much anymore now. If I'd seen this post last year, then I probably would have been a few degrees of Krakatoa pissed.

It’s interesting how different the clinics are. My IVF clinic lets babies / young children in too, I understand it can be triggering but also people have different circumstances/relationships/no childcare.

total would get if the couple would both want to be there for a early pregnancy /viability scan. You can’t take children into the building where the nhs 12 week scan is in my city, so the partner would probably want to see the baby at the early ivf one if possible!

Wtf? What difference does it make that they are gay?!

Why does a pregnant lesbian upset you more that a pregnant straight woman?

Mine had kids and pregnant women in the waiting room. It never occurred to me to care.

Same when I went for my scan and was told about likely having a baby with a disability, and when I had an emergency scan etc because of low growth and heavy bleeding.

No one has the monopoly on having infertility problems, pregnancy, having children etc- it’s impossible to avoid it.

My sister had two healthy children in the period I was having failed ivf etc. it’s just one of those things.

It doesn't upset me more. I think you've misinterpreted what I said.

It doesn't matter the sexual orientation. Pregnant lesbians, pregnant straight women, gay men collecting newborns from a surrogate etc it annoys me because I'm still struggling with infertility. I did only mention a lesbian couple because that is what the OP was about.

It's not discrimination. It's the clinic's rules in order to keep upset to the absolute minimum. Not being able to have a baby while also seeing a big round baby bump in the waiting room hurts like hell. I'm currently dealing with RPOC as a complication from an early loss, I don't want to see the OP's friend's wife with her massive baby bump.

But again, I'll reiterate; with how much struggle and how long it's been for me and DH, I couldn't give a crap anymore. Some couples are lucky, some couples aren't. That's just the way it is. Maybe we'll get lucky eventually, maybe we won't and we'll just get a dog instead. Who knows? (I've just had a huge Christmas dinner and I'm fighting heavy eyes).

They are being very unreasonable. It’s not discrimination,‘it’s a sensible and sensitive policy. They should go elsewhere if they don’t like it.

Oh I remember being in the local
epu and feeling like a right arsehole sat there with women losing their babies with my toddler. Even whilst I was loosing my own pregnancy I still felt an arse and had zero childcare as it was an emergency situation.

So although I guess maybe they could try and say it was, it wouldn’t make them less of an arse. Those losing babies or trying desperately for babies know just how hard it is so it is a completely lack of empathy. If theirs is zero other option that’s one thing but honestly she doesn’t Need to have her pregnant wife in there she just wants her there.

I just can’t imagine rocking up to a fertility clinic with women desperately wanting babies to find a pregnant women with her wife trying for a second while ones visibly pregnant without feeling a slap in the face to those trying to even get a first tbh.

YABU, it's not an unreasonable policy and as a grown woman A is likely perfectly capable of attending clinical appointments by herself. I've been through fertility treatment and other than when it was essential for him to be there, there was no need for DH to come in to the waiting area. If A feels like she wants a bit of support from B pre- or post- appointments, they could easily do this outside the clinic instead.

I would have thought it discrimination to be unable to access a service, not a waiting room.

By all means they can write to the practice manager, threaten legal action, get an exception and sit triumphantly in the waiting room whilst women whose hearts are breaking watch them in the one place they’d hope to be free
from it. Or, of course, the clinic will simply ban all partners to get around this.

Maybe they should focus on the child they are having and not their wish to have another so soon. They sound selfish.

What is the official waiting time between children? Are all parents with 2 under 1 selfish?