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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to having nieces and nephews

85 replies

Sugarsun · 24/12/2023 19:28

I’m feeling so sad for my nieces and nephews.

They are from 2 different siblings but both siblings have met new partners this year, have moved in together and now are acting as though their kids are an inconvenience.

Sibling 1 hasn’t lived with their kids for a long time but would always have them either Xmas eve or Boxing Day and half day Xmas day.
They met their new partner about 6 months ago.

They are point blank refusing to have them Xmas eve and Xmas day and only want to see them for half of Boxing Day.

Sibling 2 had an affair for a couple of months and then let the family home about 6 weeks ago to live with their new partner.

They are refusing to see their kids on Xmas eve and Boxing Day and only want to see them for a couple of hours on Xmas day, but have made it very clear that they can only see them for max. a couple of hours.

Whats worse is that the other parents of the kids have also found new partners and IMO are rushing things to try and prove a point to their ex’s (my siblings).

This means they also have plans over the Xmas period and they’re wanting me to have the kids because their other parents can’t.
My siblings are also asking that I have their kids.

I’m really pissed off with my siblings and the way they’re treating their kids and I don’t condone their behaviour at all but I’m also a single parent and I don’t think it’s fair that this is falling on me.

The reason I am single is because I cannot date as my family do not babysit.
I have less money than them and as a working single parent, a lot less free time.

So part of me thinks, why should I make things easy for them but then the other part of me feels really sorry for my nieces and nephews and think it’s not their fault, so should I be trying to make it nice for them.

AIBU?

YABU - you should have your nieces and nephews over the Xmas period, as them having a good time is more important than your opinion on your siblings.

YANBU - you should not have your nieces and nephews because it’s not your problem. Both siblings are choosing their new partners over their kids and it’s up to them to deal with it.

OP posts:
Aylestone · 24/12/2023 19:33

As much as it would be nice for your nieces and nephews, they are not your responsibility. I’d do whatever you would actually prefer to do

MooseBreath · 24/12/2023 19:33

I would take the kids. Your siblings are complete arse holes, and it's possible their children's other parents are as well. Poor things. They deserve a nice Christmas. I would also give them a right bollocking in front of their children so they know someone cares.

Auntieobem · 24/12/2023 19:34

That is one of the saddest posts I've read on here. Of course you should have your nephews and neices, and shame on their parents.

tokesqueen · 24/12/2023 19:34

YANBU. Set a precedent.

FuckinghellthatsUnbelievable · 24/12/2023 19:37

I personally think you’d be foolish to start this as they will take the piss going forward as everything is “for the children” It’s not like they will return the favour.

Imagine in 6 months when they are eating you out of house and home staying at yours half the week whilst the parents float around with new partners.

HeddaGarbled · 24/12/2023 19:37

It’s all a bit late now, isn’t it.

RandomMess · 24/12/2023 19:37

This is so sad.

I would let them know what your baby sitting rate is for bank holidays. It could be a win win.

You get to have all the cousins and give them the lovely and family time they need & deserve and you get cold hard cash.

I'm talking a proper babysitting charge £25 per hour type thing.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 24/12/2023 19:37

You're not responsible for any one else's children, related or not. If you take them this year you are making a rod for your own back and will be guilted into having them every year. Maybe tell your siblings that you'll have a word with Social Services as you are concerned about them being neglected. That should sort them out.

PopandFizz · 24/12/2023 19:42

How awful for the kids, I get why you're so conflicted!

It's hard to vote because I think as a good person you want to makensure the kids have a good Christmas.
But equally its not your responsibility and its a big put on you.

How old are these kids? I think if they are 'santa age' then take them and make it magic (whilst also saying they owe you a babysitting night, they might want to keep you on side now they are separated) but if they are older I'd just say sorry but I can't so last minute and give them what for about what they are doing.
Maybe do the last bit anyway.

zeibesaffron · 24/12/2023 19:43

These parents need to step the fuck up and have their own kids - it sets a precedent that your time is not as important as theirs but more importantly by forcing them to have their OWN kids it might make christmas a little better for the kids involved in this nightmare, childish behaviour of their parents!

Kaltenzahn · 24/12/2023 19:44

Oh my goodness, this is so sad. I'd have to have the kids, I hate the idea of them being unwanted at Christmas!

I am assuming you've already made your decision though, seeing as Christmas is about 4h away.

Edit: Having said this, it's absolutely not your responsibility to look after anyone else's kids. Their parents are shitbags and while this is very sad it's not your fault and it's not up to you to pick up their slack. At the end of the day you have your own kids and have to put them first.

I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas 🎄

Original poster
Sugarsun · 24/12/2023 19:44

This is the trouble, the past few weeks they have been relying on me to babysit.

When the kids have had performances, they’ve not bothered going and I’ve gone instead because I’ve felt bad on the kids.

But they are starting to expect it now.

I’ve actually had to step back a bit because I was struggling to afford the petrol to pick them up and to feed them.

I lost my job a while ago and although I have one now, I am still catching up with myself financially.

I then got covid and they were annoyed because I wasn’t helping them out, even though they don’t help me out with my child.

OP posts:
Davros · 24/12/2023 19:48

As lovely as you sound and as much as the kids are being treated badly by their parents, don't be a doormat

Original poster
Sugarsun · 24/12/2023 19:50

The kids range from 7-15.

I had half of them today because the parent they live with was out all day and my sibling was too busy with their new partner to see them.

I didn’t want them alone on Xmas eve.

I’ve been annoyed with my siblings but tbh I thought they would step up when it got to the time.

But I’ve just had sibling 2 asking if their kids are sleeping mine tonight (it’s xmas eve why would they) and then sibling 1 has just told me to ignore their ex if they ask where the sibling is because they’ve “already told them they won’t be having the kids on Xbox day”.

I am unbelievably angry over it but I’m also so sad.

I did call them both out on it and they accused me of being jealous because they’ve both found partners they’re happy with (a dig at me because I’m single).

OP posts:
Augustus40 · 24/12/2023 19:51

Stop helping or charge for petrol and food.

Ktime · 24/12/2023 19:52

Why are you doing all this for people who never babysit your kids?

Just stop it all now, Op. Tell them you won’t be having their kids for Christmas and keep saying no to the babysitting request.

Why would the parents step up for their kids if you keep bailing their kids out?

The tough love method is to take a massive step back, let them parent their own kids and you concentrate on yours.

Ktime · 24/12/2023 19:52

Where are their kids now? I hope none are with you?

Octonaut4Life · 24/12/2023 19:53

First things first, you sound lovely. Secondly, you sound like you need a break. Can you leverage this to get some me time? Like "yes sibling 1 I will have your kids for Xmas on the proviso you then have my kids for a night on the 13th January" etc? Maybe you can force a slightly more reciprocal arrangement that also works for you in future?

WildFlowerBees · 24/12/2023 19:57

I'd have them if you're happy to, be their constant someone consistent so they grow up knowing that not all adults are selfish bastards and they have something relatively happy to look back on.

tomatoontoast · 24/12/2023 19:57

YANBU

Bournetilly · 24/12/2023 19:57

Oh this is so sad, poor kids. I would have them over Christmas then stop doing so much afterwards unless your siblings start helping you out too.

I can’t believe they don’t want their own children there on Christmas Eve. Obviously they need to provide presents if they are staying with you.

Ktime · 24/12/2023 19:58

WildFlowerBees · 24/12/2023 19:57

I'd have them if you're happy to, be their constant someone consistent so they grow up knowing that not all adults are selfish bastards and they have something relatively happy to look back on.

Really unfair to put that on a single mum.

Nevermind31 · 24/12/2023 19:59

Whilst you sound like a very caring person, you need to step back.
you are not a substitute parent, and their parents need to pull out their fingers.
so instead of having them I would read all of those parents the riot act - how their kids should come before their new partners and how you are not a substitute.
in a way you are enabling them.
are your siblings your brothers?

Cosyblankets · 24/12/2023 19:59

Poor kids!

WildFlowerBees · 24/12/2023 20:00

I didn't mean it to sound unfair @Ktime sorry if it came across that way. Of course op needs to do what she feels is best for her.

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