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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to having nieces and nephews

85 replies

Sugarsun · 24/12/2023 19:28

I’m feeling so sad for my nieces and nephews.

They are from 2 different siblings but both siblings have met new partners this year, have moved in together and now are acting as though their kids are an inconvenience.

Sibling 1 hasn’t lived with their kids for a long time but would always have them either Xmas eve or Boxing Day and half day Xmas day.
They met their new partner about 6 months ago.

They are point blank refusing to have them Xmas eve and Xmas day and only want to see them for half of Boxing Day.

Sibling 2 had an affair for a couple of months and then let the family home about 6 weeks ago to live with their new partner.

They are refusing to see their kids on Xmas eve and Boxing Day and only want to see them for a couple of hours on Xmas day, but have made it very clear that they can only see them for max. a couple of hours.

Whats worse is that the other parents of the kids have also found new partners and IMO are rushing things to try and prove a point to their ex’s (my siblings).

This means they also have plans over the Xmas period and they’re wanting me to have the kids because their other parents can’t.
My siblings are also asking that I have their kids.

I’m really pissed off with my siblings and the way they’re treating their kids and I don’t condone their behaviour at all but I’m also a single parent and I don’t think it’s fair that this is falling on me.

The reason I am single is because I cannot date as my family do not babysit.
I have less money than them and as a working single parent, a lot less free time.

So part of me thinks, why should I make things easy for them but then the other part of me feels really sorry for my nieces and nephews and think it’s not their fault, so should I be trying to make it nice for them.

AIBU?

YABU - you should have your nieces and nephews over the Xmas period, as them having a good time is more important than your opinion on your siblings.

YANBU - you should not have your nieces and nephews because it’s not your problem. Both siblings are choosing their new partners over their kids and it’s up to them to deal with it.

OP posts:
TheHateIsNotGood · 24/12/2023 20:00

Super tough question OP - many SPs are single because they don't have any regular babysitters to enable any social life. I recall using most of any childfree-time for getting on with things at home, work or study.

After years of that, the last thing I needed was a bloke with baggage, hence eternal singledom for me.

Whatever you decide to do, YANBU.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 24/12/2023 20:01

I'm going to take a guess that your siblings are both brothers.

Original poster
Sugarsun · 24/12/2023 20:02

Ktime · 24/12/2023 19:52

Why are you doing all this for people who never babysit your kids?

Just stop it all now, Op. Tell them you won’t be having their kids for Christmas and keep saying no to the babysitting request.

Why would the parents step up for their kids if you keep bailing their kids out?

The tough love method is to take a massive step back, let them parent their own kids and you concentrate on yours.

Simply because I feel so sorry for the kids.

The kids from sibling 2 especially have had an awful few months because their parent had an affair and there was (and still is) a lot of arguing. There was police involvement, new partners screaming at each other and lots of petty game playing and they’ve been at the centre of it all.

I started having them just to remove them from the situation a bit and I love having them but it annoys me that my siblings (and in some cases the other parents) are now expecting me to do things that they should be doing.

OP posts:
PeloMom · 24/12/2023 20:04

It sounds like the situation is relatively new so I wouldn’t set a precedent. They can’t just opt out of parenting because they feel like it.

Original poster
Sugarsun · 24/12/2023 20:04

Ktime · 24/12/2023 19:52

Where are their kids now? I hope none are with you?

No they’re at their own homes.

I had one siblings kids and then dropped them home and that’s when my sibling asked if they were staying at mine.

They asked simply to remind me that they weren’t available until the afternoon and so I’d have to keep them at mine in the morning.

I had already dropped them home because I assumed that one of their parents would want them on Xmas morning.

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 24/12/2023 20:04

I think as much as you want to do a kindness and be there for the kids it’s kinder in the long run to put in boundaries with your siblings and their exs now so they either step up or step out.

Sprogonthetyne · 24/12/2023 20:05

They told you Christmas eve that they want their kid to stay over? Are they expecting you to pull stockings and santa gifts out of thin air? Or do they want their kids to just sit there with nothing while your kid opens his.

They really do sound awful

Original poster
Sugarsun · 24/12/2023 20:07

Octonaut4Life · 24/12/2023 19:53

First things first, you sound lovely. Secondly, you sound like you need a break. Can you leverage this to get some me time? Like "yes sibling 1 I will have your kids for Xmas on the proviso you then have my kids for a night on the 13th January" etc? Maybe you can force a slightly more reciprocal arrangement that also works for you in future?

Neither of them can have mine because they’re living with their new partners.

This is a big reason why they can’t have their own kids because the kids can’t go to their new partners homes for some reason.

I don’t know if it’s because they’re not allowed or because my siblings simply don’t want their kids there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sugarsun · 24/12/2023 20:07

TheYearOfSmallThings · 24/12/2023 20:01

I'm going to take a guess that your siblings are both brothers.

1 brother, 1 sister.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 24/12/2023 20:08

Your kids only have you. They need to be your priority. You’ve done plenty.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/12/2023 20:09

No! Ffs. Their parents don’t want to be with them? How awful. I’d love to be with my kids for Christmas but recognise that their dad also wants to be with them, so eoy it is.

I don’t think you should set the precedent of you having them though.

Original poster
Sugarsun · 24/12/2023 20:10

Sprogonthetyne · 24/12/2023 20:05

They told you Christmas eve that they want their kid to stay over? Are they expecting you to pull stockings and santa gifts out of thin air? Or do they want their kids to just sit there with nothing while your kid opens his.

They really do sound awful

Exactly I don’t know!

I have spent time and money on gifts for my DC and only have enough food for us, as that was the plan.

I would have to not do what I want to do with my DC (e.g stockings) because the other kids obviously don’t have the same things.

OP posts:
sunights · 24/12/2023 20:13

YANBU

Don't fall into through trap of enabling your siblings' awful behaviour.

Bookworm1111 · 24/12/2023 20:20

Is there no grandparent support? Where are your parents in all this?

Mrgrinch · 24/12/2023 20:25

You need to stop it all now.

You might feel like you're helping, but you're actually just enabling these arseholes to continue to be shit parents.

Do not ruin Christmas for your children because their parents are more interested in their affair partners.

xyz111 · 24/12/2023 20:26

I don't understand how you have 2 siblings that are selfish arseholes!!! The kids will remember in the future who was kind for them and who was there for them (you).

LakeTiticaca · 24/12/2023 20:30

Yanbu. By having them.because their parents are too busy shagging new partners, you are setting a precedent and will end up virtually full time parenting them, for free while the parents are playing at being child free.
Put your foot down and say no
Every time

grumpycow1 · 24/12/2023 20:34

Let me guess… are your siblings male and you’re female by any chance?

they sound awful. But you need to step back and keep calling them out.

minipie · 24/12/2023 20:36

Wow I would be tearing my siblings a new one for their appalling treatment of their kids! How dare they try to palm their kids off at Christmas of all times to spend time with their new partner.

HamBone · 24/12/2023 20:37

It’s a sad situation, but I wouldn’t set this precedent as they’re clearly expecting you to be available for babysitting anytime they want it. Plus as a PP said, you can’t magic up stockings, etc. for them now!

You've already done a lot for your nieces and nephews, it’s time for your lazy siblings to step up.

Grimchmas · 24/12/2023 20:38

NOPE.

I would use tonight as an excellent opportunity to chew both siblings out about their utter contempt for me and for their own children and tell them to sort their shit out and put their children first, ESPECIALLY at Christmas. Any attempt at emotional blackmail can be called out for what it is and the subject brought back to the arseholes need to step up and parent their own fucking kids.

Original poster
Sugarsun · 24/12/2023 20:46

Bookworm1111 · 24/12/2023 20:20

Is there no grandparent support? Where are your parents in all this?

My (and my siblings) parents are completely useless, hence why I won’t be seeing them on Xmas day and I’m alone with my DC.

The other grandparents aren’t as useless.
One set is involved but wrongly or rightly has the mentality that they’re done with raising kids so won’t get too involved and the other set lives far away, so doesn’t see them often.

OP posts:
therealcookiemonster · 24/12/2023 20:47

your siblings sound absolutely awful and selfish.

the only thing to do this late in the day is to say no unfortunately.

going forward you should make it clear to both siblings, you are happy to look after the kids but will need payment. otherwise no. at the moment, you being a fallback option is preventing them from working out their own solutions. and it's especially awful of them to ask given they don't return the favour.

Original poster
Sugarsun · 24/12/2023 20:49

xyz111 · 24/12/2023 20:26

I don't understand how you have 2 siblings that are selfish arseholes!!! The kids will remember in the future who was kind for them and who was there for them (you).

That’s what I am getting annoyed about.

1 sibling is bad enough but both of them has made me feel so embarrassed and disappointed.

What’s really annoyed me is my sister has been posting pics all day on FB with her new bf but she can’t see her kids and tomorrow she’ll see them for 2 hours max and then he posting all over SM about how loved they are.

OP posts:
Jingleballs2 · 24/12/2023 20:52

Sp none of these parents have actually planned a nice Xmas for theor kids? Beause they're now an inconvenience be ause they have new partners? Do people actually behave like this 😮 it's bad enough the rest of the year but bloody christmas??