To say no to having nieces and nephews

[Sugarsun]

I’m feeling so sad for my nieces and nephews.

They are from 2 different siblings but both siblings have met new partners this year, have moved in together and now are acting as though their kids are an inconvenience.

Sibling 1 hasn’t lived with their kids for a long time but would always have them either Xmas eve or Boxing Day and half day Xmas day.
They met their new partner about 6 months ago.

They are point blank refusing to have them Xmas eve and Xmas day and only want to see them for half of Boxing Day.

Sibling 2 had an affair for a couple of months and then let the family home about 6 weeks ago to live with their new partner.

They are refusing to see their kids on Xmas eve and Boxing Day and only want to see them for a couple of hours on Xmas day, but have made it very clear that they can only see them for max. a couple of hours.

Whats worse is that the other parents of the kids have also found new partners and IMO are rushing things to try and prove a point to their ex’s (my siblings).

This means they also have plans over the Xmas period and they’re wanting me to have the kids because their other parents can’t.
My siblings are also asking that I have their kids.

I’m really pissed off with my siblings and the way they’re treating their kids and I don’t condone their behaviour at all but I’m also a single parent and I don’t think it’s fair that this is falling on me.

The reason I am single is because I cannot date as my family do not babysit.
I have less money than them and as a working single parent, a lot less free time.

So part of me thinks, why should I make things easy for them but then the other part of me feels really sorry for my nieces and nephews and think it’s not their fault, so should I be trying to make it nice for them.

AIBU?

YABU - you should have your nieces and nephews over the Xmas period, as them having a good time is more important than your opinion on your siblings.

YANBU - you should not have your nieces and nephews because it’s not your problem. Both siblings are choosing their new partners over their kids and it’s up to them to deal with it.

This is exactly what’s been happening.

Tbh I am jealous that they’re out having a great time with their new partners and have washed their hands of their kids, whilst I’m worrying about giving my kids a nice Xmas and worrying about my nieces and nephews.

That’s why I’m so stuck because I feel so sorry for my nieces and nephews but I’m also annoyed that I’m facilitating my siblings because they can act child free.

Oh god this is heartbreaking. Those poor children. OP I think it’s wonderful you have been taking them in, don’t underestimate how much they will look back on this and be incredibly grateful that one adult in their life stepped up. I agree with others that you need to ask for payment moving forward. I think it’s really important they have a kind and stable adult in their life so if you are able to provide that on any level it will do them so much good. But you need paying because you cannot bankrupt yourself and financially these children are your siblings responsibility.

My heart breaks though. Especially for the younger children. You only get a few years or proper Christmas magic with children… how could their parents not want to share it with them?

One is female and one is male.

My brother has always been an ok dad but not the best and so it’s not the biggest surprise with him.

There is a chance that his new gf is quite controlling and there have been comments about his DCs mum even though they’ve been separated for years but I don’t think that’s an excuse for him to be a bad dad.

But my sister has shocked me because she’s always been quite a good mum but she has acted appallingly recently.
She had an affair and has moved in with a man who she knows.

I know!

I think they assumed that the other parent would want them or something.

But tbh they’re so obsessed with their new partners and their new lives that they don’t seem to even care.

There was a christmas performance at the school last week and none of them bothered going and they didn’t even ask how it went or for photos.

If it were my niece's and nephews I'd definitely have them. I love them like they're my own. But I completely and utterly understand why you're so upset by this. I would be too. It's unimaginable really!

When I was single I found a reliable teenager to babysit. Paid her fairly and was

very grateful

I agree with the comments from others that you don’t want to set a precedent where your siblings think you will pick up their parenting slack. It won’t help anyone in the long run as it only helps the parents to shirk responsibility.

If I were you I’d would offer to have your nieces and nephews when you WANT to have them. Do you can maintain a relationship with them and your children can see their cousins. However I’d stop offering childcare or stepping in to do what parents should be doing. You can be a good and loving aunty without taking on the responsibility of the parents.

Also if I were you I’d be tempted to send a text exactly what I think of their behaviour to them. It’s appalling that they have dumped their children like they have. I’m not sure I would want a relationship with siblings like that.

That's heartbreaking 💔

I honestly wouldn't believe it if I hadn't met someone like this before. A friend of a friend always on nights out and kids sent off to her sisters. I once witnessed the 2 kids nearly in tears begging to stay home "please, just tonight" as they were being shoved out the door so she could go clubbing 😏

I know she's replied already, but even if they were both brothers, the other parents don't seem to want them either 😏

So 4 parents none of whom want their kids on Christmas Day?

I'd take care of them for Christmas.

Between about 6-12 my Auntie used to regularly care for me as my own parents couldn't.

She has now passed but I'll be forever thankful to her for the fun and love I felt with her as a child as my parents were tbh absolutely shite.

Could you say you'd have them for just the 1 or 2 days if you can afford?

This is heartbreaking. I'd have to take the kids for my own moral conscience. It's not their fault they're in this situation.

Having read this, your siblings are absolute cunts and are taking you for a mug.

The other parents aren’t as bad as my siblings.

I think they’re more just trying to share the parental responsibility but it’s still having an impact on my nieces and nephews as they feel like neither parent wants them.

My brother has not been with his ex for years.
She is a good mum but she does have a new partner and she is saying to my brother that he needs to see his DC on half of Xmas day and either all of Xmas eve or all of Boxing Day, which has always been the arrangement and I do agree with her.

But they’re both arguing about it saying things like you need to have them because I’ve got plans etc and the kids are hearing it.
My brother is ignoring her now because he’s refusing to have his DCs on Xmas day and only wants them for a set time on Boxing Day.

My sisters ex (my BIL) is an ok dad too but when my sister left he quickly got someone else and is now spending it with her and her kids and telling my sister that she needs to have their kids because he’s got plans with his new gf, whilst she has already got plans with her new bf and can’t have the kids.
And again the kids are hearing all of this.

I am reading everyone’s replies and appreciate all of the comments.

I am only responding to certain posters because I’m trying to include what other posters have said too, instead of replying to every single poster individually.

This is sad.
Id send them a message with some joke truths. PARENTS SHOULD PARENT their kids. And parents who try to palm off their own children, especially at Christmas are the lowest of the low.

When my husband left me I spent the next 10 years single as my children were my priority. When I remarried I made absolutely sure my kids were happy and also that my stepson was happy that his dad and I were getting married. We would not have moved in together if any of them had felt anxious or upset. Why oh why do so many people not put their children first? They are absolute selfish bastards who don't deserve children. You do whatever you feel you want to. I would probably have their kids then go ballistic at their utter neglect and selfishness afterwards.

Poor we'ans

I'm not going to tell you whether you should take the children or not. I suggest you centre your child and think about what they want - to see cousins or to have mum to themselves.

And if you do take them, their parents need to pay for the babysitting. £15/hr min.

Isn't Kinship care now paid? Could you work pt if given renumeration. I'm sure it's the same wage as fostering. HTH x Best of luck whatever you decide.

Why oh why do so many people not put their children first?

Whats even more frustrating is that they aren’t single parents and so can have their kids 50/50 and start new relationships and have the child free life half of the time and the best of both worlds.

But they’ve both made a choice that it’s either their new partner or their kids and they’ve both chosen the new partner.

They are both at their partners homes now having a good time and not giving their kids a second thought.
I can’t see how anyone could be so cruel.

How sad that the children are caught up in all this? With their parents arguing and not wanting them because they have other plans. OP it really is up to you to decide if you want your nieces and nephews to be with you over Christmas.
If you decide that you really can't or don't want to have them then the onus is on their parents to sort out childcare arrangements and you are quite within your rights to do this.
If you decide that you can and will have them - then do it on the proviso that your siblings transfer you money immediately and tell them that you need this to call up Just Eat or Deliveroo to feed their kids for each mealtime because a) you don't have enough food in to cater for them and b) you just can't afford it!! Also tell them to sort out taxis or transport at their expense because you are going to have a glass of wine and refuse to drive for the next few days.
I really feel for you and you have been put in a horrible position due to their selfishness.
But if you do have them over Christmas and Boxing Day then going forward you are not a babysitting service and both siblings and ex in laws need to put their children first and not their new relationships as you'll be contacting Social Services to report them all as soon as possible after the holidays. Poor kindly you and poor kids!!

I understand about wanting to force the other parent to step up-but lets face it, if it gets to that point they're not really likely to bother are they?

I think it's also important to think about what you & the kids would like to do.

It's not an emergency where someone is desperately needed to step in.