DH bought me same Christmas gift 3 years in a row

[Whisperingangel22]

For the last 3 years DH has gone out last minute Christmas shopping and bought me photo frames. The first year this was lovely as they had family photos in. Last year not only had he panic bought them but he bought 4 as he couldn't decide which one was nicest. This year I've just discovered a shopping bag with photo frames wrapped up in (no photos even in them)....... Would I be unreasonable to say "are these meant to be for your mum? They can't be for me because you bought me 4 last year and 3 the year before that"

I should add, I expected this to happen so I told him I'd buy something I wanted this year which Ive done. So god knows why he went out panic shopping.

DH is pretty good at presents but I’m quite fussy, well I just appreciate that my taste can be quite difficult for him to nail. He does much better when he buys me event tickets. He took me to see a play I’d loved the book of, a gig ticket to a fave band etc

@TurquoiseSeasAndSilverSand but if she loved amethyst earrings she’s probs gonna love a new pair.

My DH bought me diamond stud earrings years ago and I had always wanted some. I stupidly lost one in a ridiculous manner and I was gutted and so was he. Years later, for a special birthday, he took the remaining earring and got it recreated so I now have a pair again. I got my second ear piercing so that I never remove them and can change the other piercing instead.

This year mine got me a lamp, a perfume set and some posh makeup. I informed him of this yesterday. He informed me I'd got him shoes and chinos. We will also be getting a joint Picturehouse cinema membership for a year of date nights next time we're there. This works.

I think it's gorgeous, I'd think of my friend every time I wore them. What a lovely thoughtful friend.

You could try having a conversation with him so you actually know what each other would like. I agree that there is a lack of imagination and originality but nobody is a mind reader either.

You don't need to be a mind reader to have some idea of what kind of things your spouse likes, or to realise you've bought them the same thing 4 years in a row. You just need to not be a complete and utter idiot.

To be fair @Whisperingangel22 although this is sad on the face of it, it presents an opportunity to realign yourselves and expectations and vome closer together.. I know relationships can change after kids but someone has got to catch it before it's too late and relight the fire. Start today!

As others have said, some people just aren’t good gift givers, it depends on the wider context as to whether it’s a relationship issue or an individual one.

My husband can be great with gifts but gets nervous and I don’t like having a lot of money spent on me so he finds it hard to buy me something special (what he wants) without spending so much I worry, so that’s not really his fault. His family are not gift givers and he had never even wrapped a present before we were together, so people can learn.

My ex-partner was a nice guy but was totally useless at gifts and other organisational things. I used to send him links to what I wanted and even then he would sometimes leave it too late and wouldn’t get it. However, as time went on it definitely felt like a total lack of effort and care and it did affect our relationship as I felt taken for granted in general.

I don’t think, if you know someone is generally no good with these things/they find gift giving stressful, there is anything wrong with giving each other ideas/a list so you are both happy and don’t waste money. But if they are not making an effort overall or they are making an effort for others and not you, it’s quite different.

I would definitely ask him about the frames as he may think you would genuinely want more and may have also bought you the phone, but if he hasn’t then be prepared this may be a bigger relationship conversation.

You're welcome 🤣 In fairness they were all absolutely beautiful. The local charity shop was very pleased..

This is our first Christmas apart and I have categorically told the DC I do not want, or need another poncho. Just slippers. I will let you know what comes back 🤣

Another man here.

I buy probably three quarters of the gifts from us for our four kids. I also buy gifts for myself, my partner and the four kids from my mum and sister who claim to have no idea and just send cash with an instruction to buy "something they'll really like". Lazy AF if you ask me, but the year I asked my sister to buy something herself she said if I didn't buy the gifts she would send them a massive amount of sweets, which she knew they wouldn't be allowed to have all at once and which would then cause an argument. She actually said that was her plan!

Anyhow, back to the point. I also buy all the gifts from us for my family and friends, write all of the cards except to my in-laws, do all the Christmas shopping that isn't delivered by Tesco and I do all the cooking on Christmas Day and decorate the lunch table.

I think a lot of men do a lot more than you think.

That said, I do remember watching a TV series a few years ago that monitored how much work around the house men do compared with women. Almost without exception, a husband did a higher proportion of the total work around the house than his wife gave him credit for. However, what the programme pointed out was that while men do more than people think, they tend to choose the jobs they like to do, or place a higher value on, and the women do the rest whether they want to or not. So maybe men do more than you think (good) but often only the jobs they want to do (bad).

I am sure there are exceptions to this, but I thought it was an interesting perspective.

tachetastic
That said, I do remember watching a TV series a few years ago that monitored how much work around the house men do compared with women. Almost without exception, a husband did a higher proportion of the total work around the house than his wife gave him credit for. However, what the programme pointed out was that while men do more than people think, they tend to choose the jobs they like to do, or place a higher value on, and the women do the rest whether they want to or not. So maybe men do more than you think (good) but often only the jobs they want to do (bad).

All this does is reinforce the fact that most men are quite selfish. It doesn't show them in a good light at all - we'd all love to just do the stuff we like doing, and leave the shit jobs to someone else.
In fact, that's actually more annoying for the woman because it's not that he doesn't have the time or the ability to help out with the cleaning or the kids or whatever, he just doesn't want to. Instead he chooses to do something more worthwhile to him, leaving her to do the grunt work.

And they wonder why we get resentful...

I hope you have bought him a pack of coat hangers.

I don't think there's anything wrong with giving pretty strong hints, especially when you've been together a long time. My partner and I have been together 18 years and pool our incomes so in effect any gift comes from the same pot of cash. Having received a few gifts that went straight to charity this year I said "I want a jacket by X brand" and DP said "I want a pair of boots by X brand". That way we both get something we will like, and we will buy each other a few smaller presents like a book as a surprise without blowing the budget.

In reality I know we would both be happy not to receive a gift as we are lucky enough in life to have everything we need, and if we see something we really want we buy it. And I think a lot of couples feel like that. I was at a match tea a few weeks ago and one of the parents asked if the others still bought presents for their husbands/wives. The general impression was everyone agreed that after a certain point in a relationship buying gifts was just bringing more stuff into an already full house, but nobody wanted to be the one who didn't buy something for their partner.

Dh and I no longer do ‘big’ presents for each other, but we do stockings and he invariably gives me a box of Black Magic and ditto of Maltesers. 😋

Our ‘big present’ to each other, is the big shop I do just for the food bank in early/mid December.
I do realise that we’re lucky in that there’s nothing we particularly want or need.

On first reading I literally thought you meant you bought each other a pair of stockings, and wondered if your husband would mind you telling the world he wore stockings.

After about ten seconds the penny dropped!!! 😂

Unless I was right the first time that is....... 🤔

No, the penny dropped in the right place. Dh’s stocking is all ready to go. 🎄🎅🏻.
And he evidently did mine last night, since he asked me where the huge bag of wrapping paper was. Answer, taken by dd yesterday, since she still had a mass to wrap for Gdcs. Just as well I kept a couple of rolls back.

I handed DH wrapping paper, scissors and tape and he toddled off into the other room, even though I handed him the carrier bag with my stuff in which have been in the wardrobe for a month. It probably makes him a bad DH by MN standards because I do all the "mental load " of remembering when we're short of paper etc, but it works for us

OP, you'll have to come back and let us know if he bought you a surprise and the picture frames are just a windup. If not don't LTB, just get him to take you out in between Christmas and NY for some proper pressies!

I agree with this. I have no idea what "LTB" stands for, but there is no point having an argument or sulking and spoiling the day. However I am sure there is a good humoured way of saying they are lovely frames but I think we could do better. Take me out for lunch on Wednesday and let's try! 😜

I agree, or send him links and he does the same with his so we get things that we actually want. As I said on another thread, I love choosing my own presents!

Just coming back to report that I didn't get another poncho but I did get an oodie type thing which I suppose is the same. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣