DH bought me same Christmas gift 3 years in a row

[Whisperingangel22]

For the last 3 years DH has gone out last minute Christmas shopping and bought me photo frames. The first year this was lovely as they had family photos in. Last year not only had he panic bought them but he bought 4 as he couldn't decide which one was nicest. This year I've just discovered a shopping bag with photo frames wrapped up in (no photos even in them)....... Would I be unreasonable to say "are these meant to be for your mum? They can't be for me because you bought me 4 last year and 3 the year before that"

I should add, I expected this to happen so I told him I'd buy something I wanted this year which Ive done. So god knows why he went out panic shopping.

So he has bought you a new phone and some photo frames? Or has he not got you a new phone and instead got photo frames?

unrealistic. Men just don't do that, full stop.

Based on all the posts on here, women invest excessive amounts of needless mental energy in Christmas, especially gifts, men honestly don't give a shit. They might be the most wonderful husband for the entire year, but Christmas leaves most men cold, they shouldn't be judged for that. My DH is a great person, I'd sooner he is thoughtful around the house, pulls his weight, is consistent and dependable all year round.

Im not going to be disappointed if my gift is something I chose because I know he really finds it all a pointless chore.

The pressure this time of year is bloody mental - women need to stop brainwashing each other that their DHs choice of present is a measure of them as a person - they hate shopping, they don't want the hassle, they just want things back to normal. And to a large extent, I agree.

I have been married for 45+ years. My DH really is wonderful in almost every single aspect. He ALWAYS has my back and when I was dealing with the illness and death of my sister several years ago, he would drive the 2 1/2 hours multiple times a week to be my support. A few times he left within 10 minutes of my calling him. We love each other very much and there is nothing we wouldn't do for each other (Probably him for me more than me for him...depending)

That said, he has usually been a HORRID gift giver. One year, he went shopping with my Mom. My Mom's taste in clothes and mine could not be more different. It pretty much all got returned. I am not sure what he did all 45 years, but I have gotten some doozies. His very worst year was the year he went to the drugstore on Christmas Eve and bought me junk housewares, house items. Nothing I didn't already have, but he did hit every housewares department!.

After that, I told him to just STOP. My Mom always spoiled me and after she died, my sister spoiled me. I just told my DH that if there was something I wanted, I would just buy it. After I got tired of that (which was after my sister died on Thanksgiving morning), I just didn't do anything and neither did he. Finally, the lightbulb came on for him and he asked for a list. Last year, he tried, but the first things he bought me were some kind of "suggestions thing" on Amazon, and he thought that was my list. Whoo boy. Luckily, he did figure out my list and got me some things I wanted. It was the first year in many that I had something to open. It felt weird, tbh.

This year, I think he has got the Christmas list down, but I still bought myself some Godiva chocolates and hair stuff (Sephora addict). But who knows what might crop up on Christmas Day. One thing I have learned from my hubs. You just never know.....LOL!

Now, before people crack on him, let me say this. He brings me home freezies, red licorice, chocolate, flowers, bakery items and other little things he knows I would like as a treat often. At least a couple of times a week, if not more often.
He is truly a keeper, but it is proof that one needs grace from both people to make a marriage stick.

Sorry for the novel. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, so reminiscing. 😍💝😆

If he gives you disappointing crap every year I'd definitely say something. Perhaps agree to not buy presents for each other next time? Or buy him an equally disappointing gift. He shouldn't get a great present if you get a pile of crap.

If its symptomatic of your relationship in general then maybe it's just time to call it a day

Lots of men do. It’s just that their wives/partners have no reason to post about it on here, so it doesn’t get talked about.

Most of the men I know (brothers, father, husband, cousins, friends) are decent gift givers. Some are excellent. My husband has never given me a thoughtless or inappropriate present. But that’s hardly an interesting post.

I have not had many Christmases where I have been in a relationship so have not experienced this. I would be disappointed if a partner couldn't manage to buy me something decent. I don't necessarily mean expensive either. It can't be that difficult

DH family are like this. They refuse to discuss or ask for ideas, then buy thoughtless, usually inexpensive, tat at the last minute. They are all absolutely loaded, money not the issue.

Every year my mum asks me for a few ideas for my DC, or often already has several great ideas, and then buys them each a lovely, age appropriate gift.

Dh parents have on occasion turned up with nothing. They refuse to plan at all and often shop on christmas eve because they've basically forgotten.

I find it odd as my kids are genuinely so easy to buy for, there are lots of modestly priced things they'd love.

i love the idea of hiding the frames so he can’t give them to you! I know it is passive aggressive but you might as well have some fun out if it!

This really resonated with me. Last Christmas my father gave me an A4 notebook I’d give him years (20 or more) before - it was still in its cellophane wrapper and had a huge fade line across the front. He gave me a couple of other thoughtless things and my 5YO was given a small Meccano set (10+) I’d given my Dad after he reminisced about loving it as a child. He also gave her a 2012 Olympic mascot key ring - another gift from me. I was really crushed. He has also made it clear that various other presents I’ve bought him and put a lot of thought into choosing were not of interest - not at the time, but afterwards without thinking. We had a major row in January, and I didn’t buy him anything for his birthday in Feb.

He knows that a bottle of whisky or gin makes an excellent present for me, and he could always ask for DD.

😂😂😂. I’d rather get the exact things I like than something the wrong brand etc. Isn’t it funny how some people on MN think they know more about people’s marriages and their partners than those married to them…. You do you “hun” I’ll do me.

My ex-H used to get his mum to buy gifts for me! That got some really odd things, and he used to have to find an excuse for us to visit them just before Christmas or my birthday to pick it up. Once I’d cottoned on I started suggesting that we went to my parents house (300 miles away) for my birthday instead. It was quite funny at the time.

Current partner just buys me a t-shirt every year, which was cute a few years ago, but we’re 12 years into the relationship and he knows I make all my own clothes so never wear the t-shirts. It also makes me easy to buy for as everyone in my family knows I’d be delighted to receive endless fabric, patterns and sewing magazines. I even gave him a direct challenge this year to see if he could find me some welly boots.

He commented last night not to get my hopes up, so as usual I will focus on the kids. (Although ex-H once played that game and had actually got me something amazing!)

At least my husband's last minute panic shopping was usually done at the high end jewellery shop opposite his office!

My DH is tricky to buy for - we are not well off and buy small gifts but I can just see in his eyes when I've bought something which isn't quite right he is lamenting what could have been bought for that price. We can't afford to buy ourselves many treats so birthday and Christmas are a time to receive nice things. Maybe I am rubbish at buying gifts and it's not DH being tricky. I just struggled to get it right in the past, I've seen the look too many times when I've tried to suprise him. So now he makes an extensive Amazon wish list and I get one or two.things from that. Still a surprise of sorts but something he really wants when times are tight.
Not the same as the OP situation I know but all these posts about useless partners not knowing their spouses well enough to buy a gift got me feeling a bit shit!!

My DH isn't useless, but I too don't want surprise gifts, that whilst they might be nice, aren't quite what I would pick. It's also quite frustrating when there are things I need like new boots etc, to recieve a piece of jewellery. I hate present buying with a passion, I find it so, so stressful and I hate buying just for the sake of it. I'd rather get someone something that they really want or need.
Choosing your own gift doesn't mean your OH is lazy. Obviously I wouldn't want photo frames every year (or any year), but the thought of my DH picking me a phone as a surprise gift is horrifying, I want to pick my own!
We have a relative who prides herself on her gift buying, and she does buy lovely thoughtfuul gifts, but my heart always sinks a bit as it's never just what I need. I'm obviously very appreciative, but it's all such a waste.

Maybe the photo frames were a wind up, and he left them for your to find on purpose. Then on Christmas Day he’s going to surprise you with a more thoughtful present.

Gift giving is so bloody fraught, it makes me anxious just reading this thread and now I'm feeling like everything I've bought my partner and dc will be rubbish. Argh.

I'm terrible to shop for, I can't ever think of anything I'd like.

Yes, this is part of what I was wanting to say.
Surprise gifts are a wasteful luxury, when your day to day needs aren't being met.
Also I suspect I'm just like your partner, I don't think my OH is crap, but I always have an idea in my head of exactly what I want if I want a necklace or whatever, I like to research purchases carefully. The chance of my OH hitting on exactly what I want is virtually impossible. I don't mean to be difficukt and I'm perfectly happy not yo recieve a gift at all.

I completely agree. We are not in the position of so many others where we can just buy things we want whenever, so if we are spending money it's such a waste if it isn't exactly what is wanted or useful! I've asked DH for fluffy slippers this year, a gift which I often hear being used as "my partner is useless, he only bought me slippers" 😂

You've perfectly summed up our situation - surprise gifts are a luxury, a privilege, a risk you can take if you've got money spare. I just need new slippers 😂

I think the key point in the OP is one where she says the gifts are an indicator of how things have changed over the years. That is the bigger issue, I think. Plus, she and her DH had discussed, she thought, what she wanted and he has ignored it.

You and your DH have come to a sensible accommodation for Christmas gift buying. He makes a list and you select from the list. I mean, most people know themselves what they would really like, more than someone else does, and your DH also knows your budget. He gets the pleasure of thinking up the list and you take the time to review it and choose from it. A perfectly sensible use of both time and money.

Radical proposition: don't exchange gifts.

I have sons who are in their late teens. I have been trying to ‘train’ them into being good present buyers - for future partners sake! But the last minute, minimal-thought genes are strong….

However, i think social conditioning has made this seem like it’s a special power that women have. As I am now in my 50s and peri-menopausal, I find my tolerance/enjoyment of choosing/buying presents is rapidly approaching a more traditional male view!!! The thinking up of suitable presents has really lost its appeal. Just tell me what you really would like, and maybe I might add something small I choose myself, if you’re lucky. I used to really put massive effort into it before. I’m going to investigate that Gifster suggestion…

I literally send my dh links to what I want. He isn't stingy, but there's definitely less excitement when you know exactly what you're getting.

That said, on the few occasions he's tried to surprise me, it's been a huge fail. A crotchless lingerie bodysuit that he apparently hadn't noticed was crotchless when he picked it 🤨 springs to mind. Ditto things from lovehoney.

The only time he's pleasantly surprised me was some beautiful amethyst stud earrings. Turns out one of my friends recalled me saying in the May of that year that I'd had a beautiful pair years ago that were special for sentimental reasons but that lost one of them. She had stored that information in her brain until mid December, then took it upon herself to find out my husband's number and send him a link to the perfect earrings with instructions to buy me them. I'd told my husband about losing that earring more than once, and he'd seen me upset at the time that I'd lost it. Yet he was never able to connect the dots to the logical (to me) next step until he was spoon-fed the idea.

Since then, if I think or hear of something one of my dear friends would like, I message the husband so she can have a wonderful surprise, instead of last minute boots 3for2 gift set. Because, unlike the man on this thread who apparently stepped out of a Hallmark movie, it seems universal amongst my friends that their husbands tend to put minimal effort or thought with gift buying.

You don't think he's bought the phone and the picture frames are a 'joke' present?

The only time he's pleasantly surprised me was some beautiful amethyst stud earrings. Turns out one of my friends recalled me saying in the May of that year that I'd had a beautiful pair years ago that were special for sentimental reasons but that lost one of them. She had stored that information in her brain until mid December, then took it upon herself to find out my husband's number and send him a link to the perfect earrings with instructions to buy me them. I'd told my husband about losing that earring more than once, and he'd seen me upset at the time that I'd lost it. Yet he was never able to connect the dots to the logical (to me) next step until he was spoon-fed the idea.

I'd have hated this. The original earrings would have been special as they had sentimental value, the replacements wouldn't be the same and would also be a reminder that I'd lost the originals.