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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want poorly people here for Xmas?

127 replies

Missingmybabysomuch · 23/12/2023 14:34

OK so I'm meant to be hosting my parents for Xmas. However my dad has come down with some sort of horrible illness.
Don't know what it is for sure. If it isn't covid it must be flu or something. He is feverish, hot and cold, shaking uncontrollably, sweaty, pounding headache, body aches, hasn't been out of bed etc.
This is the AIBU. I mentioned that it might be best if they don't come for Xmas. I have 2 DC, one is only 6 months old, and quite frankly I just don't want us all to get ill. The baby has already had endless viral crap for the last few weeks so we've barely slept and I can't cope with her catching something else.
But my parents are making me feel guilty and unreasonable for not wanting them to come.
I adore my parents and was really looking forward to it but I also don't want to get any of us to catch it.

OP posts:
Hello39 · 23/12/2023 22:42

Our health board (HSE in Ireland) is really warning about RSV and flu and recommending cocooning for very young babies.

https://www.hse.ie/eng/services/news/media/pressrel/hse-warning-winter-respiratory-viruses.html

Having ill people over when you have a 6 month would definitely not be recommended!

HSE WARNING: WINTER RESPIRATORY VIRUSES - HSE.ie

RSV CIRCULATING AT EXTRAORDINARILY HIGH LEVELS AND FLU INCREASING WEEK ON WEEK

https://www.hse.ie/eng/services/news/media/pressrel/hse-warning-winter-respiratory-viruses.html

AuntMarch · 23/12/2023 22:42

minipie · 23/12/2023 17:02

I think YANBU but only on the basis that you’re not going to any drinks parties, dinner parties, Santa grottos, pantos, on crowded public transport etc across the Christmas period. Because all of those may well involve close contact with someone who’s harbouring something contagious.

I can totally understand wanting to stay well (remember the sick baby and toddler days only too well - dreadful) but think you need to be consistent about it for this to be fair on your parents.

None of those things are the same as prolonged contact/being in the same room all day with someone who knows full well they have something to spread.

Hello39 · 23/12/2023 22:44

RSV can be really serious in babies...about 4 people I know had babies who ended up in hospital with it last winter.

BurbageBrook · 23/12/2023 22:46

Absolutely YANBU- with a six month old especially! How selfish of your parents!

HamBone · 23/12/2023 22:48

NeverForgiveMyself · 23/12/2023 15:53

Here's what happened to me last week - visiting husband's daughter and child for a 'Christmas Day' visit - whilst there I was told the rest of her family had been very ill (Norovirus) from baby, a few days before. Husband had been told this but hadn't told me.

That night husband throwing up, wants to go home (back to France). Fine with me. Hotel on the way back. Got to Rouen, he was OK by then. I started throwing up on the hour every hour in the car - using carrier bags, gift bags (empty!)

Now I was pretty angry. I hadn't been consulted - he was so desperate to see his family. Still got to discuss that with him but he's also caught COVID from our visit, so I think he's suffered more...

So my opinion is - your house, your rules - have the 'Christmas' another day...

Ugh, @NeverForgiveMyself , this happened to one of my friends a few years ago. She arrived for Christmas only to be informed that they’d all “just got over” Norovirus. Yeah right, they were still contagious and she was sick as a dog 48 hours later. I hope you’re feeling better now. 💐

IdaPolly · 23/12/2023 22:50

This happened to me last Christmas. I hosted and my dad was ill. (Should have been in bed) then I caught it and was ill in bed with a fever and cough.

toomuchfaff · 23/12/2023 22:52

Not to forget as well, that with covid (I know that may not be this but same rules appky), even when feeling better after having covid, we still tested positive for 5 days and had to stay indoors... they may not have covid, or be testing, but just because they feel better, they still may be harboring bugs... tell them to stay home.

Tonight1 · 23/12/2023 22:57

@Snowpaw yes I have a gastro bug! I'm not too concerned about Xmas on my own, there's time for a festive catch up with people after I'm better.

User789456 · 23/12/2023 23:02

Actually above all else I'd be worried about DF. If he's feverish, shaking uncontrollably and sweaty, has be sought medical advice? How long has this gone on for? Sounds familiar to when I had pneumonia. I would seriously consider seeking proper advice from 111 and never mind fretting about Christmas.

Notcookie · 23/12/2023 23:05

It's so depressing that despite living through covid people are STILL so selfish about passing on illnesses. People choosing to expose other people to horrible illnesses - even their own close family and friends - rather than cope with a minor disappointment of not attending an event. It really shows you how selfish and uncaring so many people are.

Original poster
Missingmybabysomuch · 23/12/2023 23:08

Thanks all, very nice to know I'm not being unreasonable. I shall have a frank conversation tomorrow and make it clear that my parents need to stay home. I'm happy to deliver food, I'm happy to rearrange for another day. I'm just not happy to expose my 6 month old baby (and the rest of us!) to some horrendous infection for the sake of a nice roast dinner.
@EarringsandLipstick you really are in the minority, but thats ok, everyone has to do what feels right for them. For me personally, I won't be going round there or having them here until they are fully recovered (other than doorstep deliveries of food etc of course). I love them dearly, and will miss them enormously, but I know I'd never think it was the right choice to see them if my tiny DD then got really poorly as a result.

OP posts:
User789456 · 23/12/2023 23:13

Missingmybabysomuch please get him to ring 111.

BrimfulOfMash · 23/12/2023 23:19

I think offering to take a plated Christmas Dinner is a great idea.

Suggest a NY day or eve dinner or a special occasion and they give your Dc presents then?

Honeyroar · 23/12/2023 23:22

Yes I agree - take some food round on Xmas day for them and tell them you’ll do another meal for them in the early New Year.

MyChristmasUsername · 23/12/2023 23:36

Yeah. Take it plated and try and rearrange a family meal maybe in a restaurant for when everyone’s better. You should not have to risk your household getting a nasty virus just for the sake of one day on the calendar

15PiecesOfFlair · 23/12/2023 23:37

My sister's a paeds nurse and sees some awful cases of flu in children. I don't know why anyone would knowingly inflict this on anyone they supposedly give a shit about, let alone strangers.

EarringsandLipstick · 23/12/2023 23:42

@Missingmybabysomuch

I'm in the minority as regards the level of outrage & castigation of your parents - but I don't disagree that some level of caution is needed.

For example, if it was gastro, I'd be much clearer about the time limits for visiting.

For a respiratory issue, I wouldn't be blithely seeing them or having the baby in close proximity, but depending on timing & how well they are, I'd be fine having them there, with some precautions.

I don't think they are selfish for wanting to spend Christmas with their DD! Perhaps a bit thoughtless, at worst.

I really can't believe you won't see them at all, even alone & for a short while with appropriate distancing.

There is a middle ground to this, and leaving them with no company at all on Christmas Day seems harsh, given you usually get on well.

Jellycats4life · 24/12/2023 00:17

Christmas Day is just a day 🤷‍♀️

If someone is too ill and plans get cancelled, so what? It’s bad luck. Just rearrange and have “Christmas” another day.

BalletBob · 24/12/2023 00:26

lljkk · 23/12/2023 15:07

what is the precedent you want to be established here...

Does your current preference arise only because you have a baby? Or would you think host always has final say is the precedent you're establishing. Is it any illness that amounts to being "too poorly" or just one that makes someone bed-bound... within 2 days before the visit? Or within 5 days before, or what? Would you be happy for your parents to turn you away based on any criteria they suddenly choose, too, even if you don't agree with it in that future moment?

Maybe they'd turn you away for being too fussy about their hygiene or because your child recently had a vomitting bug... Would those reasons be ok under the "host has the final say" precedent you want to Establish?

I think you might patch this up better with them if it looks like you have developed a consistent line of logic that they can understand & predict, rather than it seeming like a sudden capricious decision.

It's not that deep.

You don't go to someone's home when you're ill with a virus that's had you bedbound. You especially don't go at Christmas when people have lots of social plans. You doubly especially don't go when there are very young kids/elderly/infirm or otherwise vulnerable people and when you've been expressly asked not to. It's just basic common sense and courtesy. If you know you're sick (or are only just getting over something and likely to still be contagious) then you don't take your germs into someone's home.

HobbyHorse30 · 24/12/2023 02:00

YAabsolutelyNBU

i have Covid (tested because family member is v vulnerable and we were due to visit for Christmas - have obviously cancelled), and am really unwell. I wouldn’t visit someone while I’m feeling like this no matter what it was - cold, flu, Covid, whatever. It’s just selfish to knowingly spread germs that are likely to floor people

PinkMimosa · 24/12/2023 08:37

@Missingmybabysomuch wishing you the best of luck with the conversation.

Agree with @User789456, if your DF is no better or getting worse they need to ring 111.

Hope you have a lovely, germ free, Christmas Flowers

Original poster
Missingmybabysomuch · 24/12/2023 08:42

Thanks @PinkMimosa

Conversation did not go particularly well. He is very frustrated and doesn't see my point of view at all and just keeps repeating "it's just a cold". I said regardless of what it is, it's bad enough to land you on bed and he replied "only for a couple of days".

I DON'T WANT TO BE ILL IN BED FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS FOR THE SAKE OF A ROAST DINNER!

I then said about the baby and how respiratory infections can be much worse for them because they don't have as robust an immune system.

"She never will have if you don't expose her to things" 🙄🙄🙄

Honestly, it's pointless. But I stayed firm and kept repeating that we will do a complete rerun when he is better and that I'm happy to drop off any food in the meantime.

Gah. It's put a proper dampener on tomorrow now 😢💔

OP posts:
PinkMimosa · 24/12/2023 08:50

Gah. It's put a proper dampener on tomorrow now

I can totally understand your frustration but try and out it to the back if your mind and concentrate on your LOs. Take lots of pictures, or get DH to if you're cooking. And sod them. They are being utterly selfish and trying to guilt you into having them around potentially at the risk of yours and your LO's health.

user14699084786 · 24/12/2023 09:37

Stand your ground OP. You are totally nbu not to want to spend the rest of the Christmas holidays ill yourself before you start worrying about a young baby catching it

Personally I think there would be a good case for moving Christmas to August when everyone is much healthier!

Jingleballs2 · 24/12/2023 09:42

They can't even understand your point of view which is frustrating. I agree they're being very selfish.

I'd just worry that next time they won't tell you they're harbouring germs

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