To not want poorly people here for Xmas?

[Missingmybabysomuch]

OK so I'm meant to be hosting my parents for Xmas. However my dad has come down with some sort of horrible illness.
Don't know what it is for sure. If it isn't covid it must be flu or something. He is feverish, hot and cold, shaking uncontrollably, sweaty, pounding headache, body aches, hasn't been out of bed etc.
This is the AIBU. I mentioned that it might be best if they don't come for Xmas. I have 2 DC, one is only 6 months old, and quite frankly I just don't want us all to get ill. The baby has already had endless viral crap for the last few weeks so we've barely slept and I can't cope with her catching something else.
But my parents are making me feel guilty and unreasonable for not wanting them to come.
I adore my parents and was really looking forward to it but I also don't want to get any of us to catch it.

You need to say No, and wait until your DF is better.

If they are local drop off a prep prepared meal Christmas Day but for actual visiting that's a no from me too

This gif sums it up for me.

I have a toddler and am heavily pregnant. We have already had every cough and cold going

I would drop them a dinner if within 30 mins drive and I'd have a second "christmas"/nice big dinner for new years or something.

what is the precedent you want to be established here...

Does your current preference arise only because you have a baby? Or would you think host always has final say is the precedent you're establishing. Is it any illness that amounts to being "too poorly" or just one that makes someone bed-bound... within 2 days before the visit? Or within 5 days before, or what? Would you be happy for your parents to turn you away based on any criteria they suddenly choose, too, even if you don't agree with it in that future moment?

Maybe they'd turn you away for being too fussy about their hygiene or because your child recently had a vomitting bug... Would those reasons be ok under the "host has the final say" precedent you want to Establish?

I think you might patch this up better with them if it looks like you have developed a consistent line of logic that they can understand & predict, rather than it seeming like a sudden capricious decision.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I had pretty much the same thing last year and was very ill for nearly 2 weeks, it was awful and I live in fear of ever getting it again.

We had to cancel my mum and stepdad coming over in 2020 because I had COVID and didn't want to risk anyone catching it (especially my stepdad who has some health issues)
My mum was understanding but afterwards made sure to let me know she cried and had ryvita for Christmas dinner 😑

Understand he'd be disappointed, but he has to realise it's not fair to potentially pass whatever he has onto some or all of your family and you all end up being ill for a few days.

Honestly I don't know because it wouldn't ever occur to me for me or my children to go to someone else's house when we could be giving them some sort of contagious illness that massively disrupts your plans. So sickness bugs, feverish/flu like illnesses etc.

This is why I find people exhausting. It doesn't need to be a previously agreed, 16 page binding agreement signed in blood. Surely it just needs common sense and courtesy?!

It really depends on where they are, other family, how they'll manage for Christmas.

I don't subscribe to the automatic principle that because he is sick he shouldn't come. If he did, of course, observe some distance, ensure good hygiene, all of that.

But if they are local, so that you can drop around food & visit, or if there are other family members that can drop in & out on the day, then it might make sense for both parties, if he stays at home.

Also if he's feeling terrible today, but after a decent spell in bed, is doing better on Monday, then I'd be ok with him coming, earlier caveats still applying.

No we don't invite illness or try to make our DC get sick but being over-reactive about them possibly getting sick is silly.

They are local and will manage just fine, they have each other and are perfectly capable of fending for themselves. Since he doesn't think it's an issue, I very much doubt he would be overly fussed about observing distance etc when here and also very difficult to distance when 2 young kids are involved. I do think he will be feeling a bit better by Monday but likely to still be contagious. I don't want to spend Xmas day on edge about it and definitely don't want another week of no sleep with a poorly baby or be parenting whilst feeling like death just for the sake of having a roast dinner with someone. I'm more than happy to rearrange and do Xmas a few days later once he is better.

The polite thing to do is to ask your hosts what they would prefer, you prefer no so that's that! Double if bed bound flu/illness or vomiting.

I think the unreasonable one here would be your Dad if he doesn't say thst he's not coming. Of course you shouldn't be expected to have someone in your house who is unwell with a big thst is likely to be contagious!

My family wouldn't even offer to come, as we all tend to stay away the first couple of days if a heavy cold, flu or Covid. Just not interested in seeing people that much on one specific day and being out of action for a week if easy to avoid, if they travelled far and were sick by the time they arrived, its something you have to put up with.

I don’t think either of you are wrong (well, except for them pushing to still be invited).

I think It’s just a difficult one because we don’t have a social consensus on how to treat viruses anymore.

Some people have gone completely back to pre pandemic social norms (in my family colds etc are fine, though usually come with a cursory “oh, I’ve got a sore throat, do you mind?”, but we’d stay away until 100% not contagious after a sickness bug).

Others have kept a lot of the covid mentality and would rather people didn’t risk spreading any viruses at all.

Pretty much everyone I know has some kind of lurgy this year though, so I imagine you’re not the only person dealing with awkwardness around the subject!

It’s really selfish and risky to come when he is that ill and you have a baby.

Here's what happened to me last week - visiting husband's daughter and child for a 'Christmas Day' visit - whilst there I was told the rest of her family had been very ill (Norovirus) from baby, a few days before. Husband had been told this but hadn't told me.

That night husband throwing up, wants to go home (back to France). Fine with me. Hotel on the way back. Got to Rouen, he was OK by then. I started throwing up on the hour every hour in the car - using carrier bags, gift bags (empty!)

Now I was pretty angry. I hadn't been consulted - he was so desperate to see his family. Still got to discuss that with him but he's also caught COVID from our visit, so I think he's suffered more...

So my opinion is - your house, your rules - have the 'Christmas' another day...

The selfishness of some people never fails to astound me

I'm surprised they don't realise how selfish they're being, especially with a young baby
YANBU
Suggest having a gathering over new year or when he's completely better

They're being very selfish, if they thought anything of you and your DC they would make the decision not to come. I've had this bug recently and I didn't leave the house for over a week I felt so ill. I don't think he'll be well enough by Monday so cancel now and reschedule for New years day

Speaking as somebody who once caught Covid on Christmas Day along with the rest of my family because somebody sick was selfishly at Christmas dinner, I wouldn't have them in the house. I was sick till the time I was due back at work. It was grim.

Christ how bloody selfish of them. Of course they shouldn't bring a nasty virus to your house - with or without children, whatever time of year. Please don't be guilted into having them. Could they go to you for New Year instead?

He is ill and possibly contagious. You are protecting your children. If it was just you, youd be reasonable to protect yourself. If it's definitely not contagious but hes not well it's still incredibly selfish of someone to impose on you if they're unable to 'join in' properly, because they're tired, acheing, dizzy etc. Dont ask, tell. Theres just 2 of them and presumably they're not working. They can make their own arrangements. If going to the shops is too much then so is coming to you.
Just talk as if it's a given and say what days you are free after xmas when you could potentially meet up.

YANBU

My parents visited us with an awful cold when DD was 3 months and we were all sick for about a month afterwards despite my Mum wearing a mask indoors. They came from the other side of the world to see us so we couldn’t turn them away but if they lived in the UK I definitely would have insisted on post-poning the visit.

God no, YANBU. As a family who catch everything, no way would I want that. Stand firm!

They sound selfish and stupid! Why would anyone PURPOSELY spread sickness? I’d say they have form for this kind of behaviour……

I agree with @Kitchenwitchery . You should have Christmas without them - but have a second mini-Christmas with them when they are better. Perhaps at New Year? A nice way to celebrate, and you could exchange presents with ten then.