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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want poorly people here for Xmas?

127 replies

Missingmybabysomuch · 23/12/2023 14:34

OK so I'm meant to be hosting my parents for Xmas. However my dad has come down with some sort of horrible illness.
Don't know what it is for sure. If it isn't covid it must be flu or something. He is feverish, hot and cold, shaking uncontrollably, sweaty, pounding headache, body aches, hasn't been out of bed etc.
This is the AIBU. I mentioned that it might be best if they don't come for Xmas. I have 2 DC, one is only 6 months old, and quite frankly I just don't want us all to get ill. The baby has already had endless viral crap for the last few weeks so we've barely slept and I can't cope with her catching something else.
But my parents are making me feel guilty and unreasonable for not wanting them to come.
I adore my parents and was really looking forward to it but I also don't want to get any of us to catch it.

OP posts:
theconfidenceofwho · 23/12/2023 17:32

YANBU Op, it would be a hard no from me & I'd actually be very pissed off that they were actually still considering visiting and potentially making your whole family ill, especially such a tiny baby!

grayhairdontcare · 23/12/2023 17:40

Phone mum and tell her you are going to deliver Xmas lunch to them.
You are then going to have another mini Christmas later in the week if everyone is well to exchange gifts .
Tell her... don't ask!!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 23/12/2023 17:49

RSV is rife this year and the NHS is f*cked so with a 6 month old it would be a flat no from me but offer to have them another time. It's disappointing but two years ago we were all stuck at home in exile. We survived.

jhy · 23/12/2023 17:54

Sounds like my in-laws. They would still expect everything as normal. Do your parents live far away? Thats my in-laws excuse that they live down the end of the country and never get to see us.

Original poster
Missingmybabysomuch · 23/12/2023 18:10

@jhy nope they live close by! This thread has really helped me see that I'm not being unreasonable, so thank you to everyone for your input! It's hard when you are in a situation and being told YABU so getting outside perspectives has helped enormously. I hope you all have a lovely Christmas 🎄

OP posts:
lljkk · 23/12/2023 18:58

Surely it just needs common sense and courtesy?!

There never has been such thing as "common sense" just "you should make the decision I would make" sense.

You can decide how to salvage the relationship. I merely suggested that making your decision process more predictable might help you protect the relationship.

Ponderingwindow · 23/12/2023 19:04

There are babies in the hospital with flu and rsv. Grandparents should want to keep them safe.

i would offer to drop off prepared meals for them as a nice gesture. You likely already have the food in anyway. It will complicate your logistics a bit, but you could deliver a Christmas dinner for them. Or if you want to drink and you have the money to afford it, maybe you could send it over in a taxi/uber.

Pumpkinpie1 · 23/12/2023 19:07

Tell them you will Celebrate New Years instead. It really isn’t worth the risk x

NoSquirrels · 23/12/2023 19:13

You’re not unreasonable. Tell them ‘Let’s take the pressure off - you both stay home for Christmas Day, and we can do the meal and presents together the day after Boxing Day instead. We’ll have a buffet lunch with the kids instead on Christmas Day here so it’s still a special meal when we can all be together. What can I pick up from the shops for you, Mum?’

PeloMom · 23/12/2023 19:16

Do they live far? Maybe you can drop off some Xmas food at their door and get together sometime later in the year/ next year?

Permanentlyunimpressed · 23/12/2023 19:17

Don't know what it is for sure. If it isn't covid it must be flu or something. He is feverish, hot and cold, shaking uncontrollably, sweaty, pounding headache, body aches, hasn't been out of bed etc.

That's Covid. I had those exact symptoms 3 weeks ago and had a very strong positive after all my colleagues came down with the same symptoms. I thought it was flu and didn't test until I was back at work and heard they all had Covid too.

TheaBrandt · 23/12/2023 19:20

Can they come but distance? I managed to not infect any of my family by sitting away from them and being careful not spluttering about.

Sparkletastic · 23/12/2023 19:33

SIL did this to us last week. I was not amused. She is incredibly self-involved.

Sapphire387 · 23/12/2023 20:22

Sorry if this is blunt but... what the hell kind of grandparents wouldn't stay away in order to stop their two very small dgc (and you of course) being exposed to a horrid illness?

YANBU. It's very unfortunate timing but it is what it is.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 23/12/2023 20:24

Reschedule the day for when everyone is well. Absolutely not acceptable to visit someone when in the throes of Covid or flu or any other nasty thing.

LittleMissSunshiner · 23/12/2023 20:27

YANBU and if I was your dad, I'd want to be tucked up in my own bed getting well, not paying visits to family.

I appreciate it's upsetting but you can reschedule a 'christmas dinner' for another week when everyone's better, it'd be fun.

Tonight1 · 23/12/2023 20:33

Yep, I've been ill with a bug and would have to travel to see family and friends so have cancelled it. So it'll just be me and the sofa on my own! We can have an Xmas when I'm better

Lindy2 · 23/12/2023 20:42

If he's feeling that rough he's not going to enjoy socialising or a big Christmas dinner. They should both stay home.

My MIL was supposed to be coming to stay today. She has D&V and has said she can't do the 1 hour journey within needing the bathroom. However, she's planning on phoning DH tomorrow and if she's feeling better will want to come here. I'll be the nasty DIL again when I say I don't really want us all to have a sickness bug for our Christmas break and she needs to stay home. ☹️

EarringsandLipstick · 23/12/2023 22:15

will manage just fine, they have each other and are perfectly capable of fending for themselves.

Surely on Christmas Day the threshold is a little higher than being capable of 'fending for themselves' ? 😳

YANBU to expect them to have a discussion about it, and be sensible for all of you ie staying at home if really under the weather.

But I'm clearly in the minority here, I can't get all the shocked responses and how could they?

Like I said, it's a balance. If he's miserable, home & bed is best - though I assume you'll still visit & spend some time with them both, even if you're not bringing the DC?

If he's better, I can't see the difficulty in him coming, observing some practical measures & not holding the baby etc.

Like I say, a balance. If you get on with them, I would have thought that would matter.

EarringsandLipstick · 23/12/2023 22:16

Lindy2 · 23/12/2023 20:42

If he's feeling that rough he's not going to enjoy socialising or a big Christmas dinner. They should both stay home.

My MIL was supposed to be coming to stay today. She has D&V and has said she can't do the 1 hour journey within needing the bathroom. However, she's planning on phoning DH tomorrow and if she's feeling better will want to come here. I'll be the nasty DIL again when I say I don't really want us all to have a sickness bug for our Christmas break and she needs to stay home. ☹️

And with D&V, that seems sensible, especially given how debilitating it is.

I think there's no one solution that's right but in OP's case balancing competing preferences seems the way to go (and a challenge)

PriOn1 · 23/12/2023 22:31

If they’re making you feel guilty, you’re not being firm enough, OP. They’re sensing your weakness and think you’ll give in.

Make it absolutely clear this is non negotiable. Tell them you will deliver food, if they need it. They’re being incredibly selfish and you should not feel an ounce of guilt.

Jellycats4life · 23/12/2023 22:35

Lindy2 · 23/12/2023 20:42

If he's feeling that rough he's not going to enjoy socialising or a big Christmas dinner. They should both stay home.

My MIL was supposed to be coming to stay today. She has D&V and has said she can't do the 1 hour journey within needing the bathroom. However, she's planning on phoning DH tomorrow and if she's feeling better will want to come here. I'll be the nasty DIL again when I say I don't really want us all to have a sickness bug for our Christmas break and she needs to stay home. ☹️

She’ll still be contagious! End of!

One year my grandparents arrived at my cousin’s place on Christmas Eve, as planned. The family had got over norovirus the day before. My grandmother still caught it and was horribly ill. Don’t muck around with gastro bugs. The 48 hour rule exists for a reason.

Snowpaw · 23/12/2023 22:38

In the last 5 years as a mother, I haven’t had one Christmas where we’ve not been unwell in the household with something or other. I feel like illness is just so part and parcel of life with young kids and at this time of year it’s near impossible to avoid. I would want to see my family on Christmas Day, illness or not.

I would draw the line at gastro bugs though and cancel.

HamBone · 23/12/2023 22:40

grayhairdontcare · 23/12/2023 17:40

Phone mum and tell her you are going to deliver Xmas lunch to them.
You are then going to have another mini Christmas later in the week if everyone is well to exchange gifts .
Tell her... don't ask!!

Yes, @grayhairdontcare, that’s what I’d do if they’re local. It’s likely that your Mum’s also going to catch whatever it is so they need to keep away from your family until they’re better.

silverspoonspoon · 23/12/2023 22:42

absolutely not. my youngest ended up on a feeding tube and oxygen because i was guilt tripped into sick visitors. dont be stupid like me it is not worth it

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