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Original poster

Nearly 4 year old DD not holding pen properly

98 replies

comeouuttoplay · 23/12/2023 05:11

I've been trying to teach her for a looooooooong time.

She loves drawing and does hold the pen well sometimes, but most of the time she doesn't. Kind of makes a fist with it, especially when colouring in.

She can trace quite well, but finds it hard to write independently.

Any tips on how to show her to hold it properly ?

Nursery produced a report where they said she wasn't where she was ' expected ' in the area of writing, but it was in the ' emerging ' column.

I don't want to stress her about it, but I do want to help her.

She's my first, so I know I'm probably being silly but I'm a bit concerned and just want her to have a good start in school when she starts in September.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 23/12/2023 05:16

Your dd will do it in her own time. She’s 3. Children are not automatons and some will have developed skills in one area, some in another. This evens out over time as they learn a range of skills over the course of primary school. Cognitively your dd probably isn’t ready and blanket expectations aren’t always helpful.

flowerchild2000 · 23/12/2023 05:16

That's ridiculous of them to expect that! It's far too soon. You can get little grips that slide on the pen/pencil to help them hold it better. They also make larger writing implements for little hands. Her fine motor skills are still developing and all she needs is practice. I don't think it's something to worry about or work on yet, unless it's very no pressure no stress. If she enjoys it anyway it should sort itself out.

WandaWonder · 23/12/2023 05:18

Why on earth are you putting stress on them about this?

DottyDop · 23/12/2023 05:18

She's only 3. I wouldn't stress, she'll get there and I imagine most kids that age can't do that consistently yet. The last thing you want is to put her off writing before she's started school by insisting she holds it a certain way.

Original poster
comeouuttoplay · 23/12/2023 05:18

Thanks for the replies.

I'm just worried she's creating a bad habit or has already created a bad habit.

I appreciate your replies. It's never nice to be told they're behind on anything ! It made me sad. I've got a long road ahead, haven't I. I best get used to this.

OP posts:
DottyDop · 23/12/2023 05:19

In the nicest of ways, I think if that's the first time you've been told she's behind on something, you're doing ok!!! Don't stress.

Eccentricthesnowman · 23/12/2023 05:25

She is still very young. Do fun activities to build her fine motor skills like threading cheerios to make necklaces, tearing then cutting paper, using stickers and finger painting. Use short stubby crayons rather than long pencils. It will come in time.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 23/12/2023 05:33

Oh my goodness I’m a teacher - teach 8-12 age and your post made me angry and upset… she is soo young don’t don’t don’t take away the love of colouring in by worrying about the grip - unfortunately governments and “experts” make us tick boxes of where kids are - sometimes a good thing sometimes a bad thing -

If you do want to help her do it in a fun way focus on her pincer grip grabbing small things from sand/ kinetic sand or using chopsticks develop coordination in that grip and she won’t notice it’s a “lesson”

Original poster
comeouuttoplay · 23/12/2023 05:36

She absolutely loves drawing and colouring in at the moment. She sits for ages doing it, bless her.

I do try and correct her grip constantly.

I just feel there's a lot of pressure around it. Even the grandmas have said ' wow she's nearly 4 and doesn't hold her pen properly yet '.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 23/12/2023 05:40

She's 3. Let her get on with it. Don't try and teach her. Draw with her so she sees you holding the pen.

autienotnaughty · 23/12/2023 05:43

Whilst I completely agree she's young and will get there in her own time you can buy pencils that are specifically designed to encourage correct grip.

I couldn't grip correctly. I went to a crap school and I still can't. My ds who's 8 was unable to hold a pencil correctly he went to a great school and now he can.

Needhelpsupport · 23/12/2023 05:44

You need to calm down and allow your child to be a three year old .
By correcting her and comparing her , you are setting the foundations for a stressed, anxious child ..just stop it now !

user1492757084 · 23/12/2023 05:45

Continue to be positive about her drawing.
Teach by example and every three months show her how to hold the pen properly. Gently and smiling and say well done.
Her muscles will become fine tuned. Every child has learnt how to hold a pen by seven so do not stress.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 23/12/2023 05:45

She's still tiny, I'd focus on building muscle and fine motor skills, sorting out beads, picking up peas with tweezers and play dough is excellent for developing muscles.

Another idea is triangular pencils or adding triangular grips.

Nearly 4 year old DD not holding pen properly
shearwater2 · 23/12/2023 05:48

There were lots of comments about DD1 not getting the tripod grip - she did get it when she was about 5, only because the teacher encouraged her so much. It never concerned me particularly, like your DD she loved drawing and writing long before school. She is very academically able, good all rounder and went on to a superselective grammar school and university.

DD2 held her pen correctly straight away, but has never liked drawing, reading and writing and would prefer to be doing something physical and sporty, and has ADHD and ASD. Anything physical with balance or hand eye co-ordination she picked up so quickly and is good at most sports.

JoanThursday · 23/12/2023 05:55

This was me 11 years ago! My ds had just turned 4 when he started school and couldn't really hold a pen properly.

And I had a similar experience with preschool assessments! I posted about that on here at the time.

I needn't have worried - he's just started his gcses now and doing absolutely fine. (Even if he wasn't interested in counting ducks and refused to form letters correctly on demand 🙄).

Let her enjoy doing what she loves - she'll be fine, I'm sure.

Original poster
comeouuttoplay · 23/12/2023 06:00

JoanThursday · 23/12/2023 05:55

This was me 11 years ago! My ds had just turned 4 when he started school and couldn't really hold a pen properly.

And I had a similar experience with preschool assessments! I posted about that on here at the time.

I needn't have worried - he's just started his gcses now and doing absolutely fine. (Even if he wasn't interested in counting ducks and refused to form letters correctly on demand 🙄).

Let her enjoy doing what she loves - she'll be fine, I'm sure.

It's tough when it's your first child and you're inexperienced about child development I guess.

Also if the nursery are saying she's behind already, it can be worrying.

I'm glad it all worked out for your son.

OP posts:
Original poster
comeouuttoplay · 23/12/2023 06:01

shearwater2 · 23/12/2023 05:48

There were lots of comments about DD1 not getting the tripod grip - she did get it when she was about 5, only because the teacher encouraged her so much. It never concerned me particularly, like your DD she loved drawing and writing long before school. She is very academically able, good all rounder and went on to a superselective grammar school and university.

DD2 held her pen correctly straight away, but has never liked drawing, reading and writing and would prefer to be doing something physical and sporty, and has ADHD and ASD. Anything physical with balance or hand eye co-ordination she picked up so quickly and is good at most sports.

Edited

Thank you for that insight. I've ordered some grips now.

OP posts:
Original poster
comeouuttoplay · 23/12/2023 06:01

I'm just going to let her have fun with drawing lots as she really enjoys it and won't mention the grip.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 23/12/2023 06:05

Also-take care not to put her off drawing and being creative by correcting. "What a lovely picture! I love the colours you've chosen!" Never "What a lovely picture. Try and hold the pen like this."

Original poster
comeouuttoplay · 23/12/2023 06:07

CurlewKate · 23/12/2023 06:05

Also-take care not to put her off drawing and being creative by correcting. "What a lovely picture! I love the colours you've chosen!" Never "What a lovely picture. Try and hold the pen like this."

Absolutely true. I praise her a lot but also correct her a lot on how she holds her pen. I'll pack the correcting. She does hold it properly sometimes and then she's like ' look mummy look, like this ?? '. Bless her.

She knows it's a thing now. I'm sure at nursery they've also tried to show her a lot.

OP posts:
Namechange4234 · 23/12/2023 06:09

comeouuttoplay · 23/12/2023 05:36

She absolutely loves drawing and colouring in at the moment. She sits for ages doing it, bless her.

I do try and correct her grip constantly.

I just feel there's a lot of pressure around it. Even the grandmas have said ' wow she's nearly 4 and doesn't hold her pen properly yet '.

My neice didn't hold her pencil/crayon/pen "properly"

Still doesn't , never will

Shes 26 with a 1st in English from Oxford, a Masters from Durham and is now a high flying journo

Stop stressing. Stop making your child's life difficult. When people comment just nod and smile

JoanThursday · 23/12/2023 06:11

comeouuttoplay · 23/12/2023 06:00

It's tough when it's your first child and you're inexperienced about child development I guess.

Also if the nursery are saying she's behind already, it can be worrying.

I'm glad it all worked out for your son.

Show quote history

I get it. My ds is my first too. I remember feeling so worried, looking at the pre school assessment criteria and dissecting it to try and convince myself he was doing OK, even though preschool had told me was 'behind'.

It was as if the setting had become so focused on ticking boxes they had forgotten about the child. My son wasn't ticking the box for counting ducks (who wants to stand around with a fishing rod and catch fish no.4?!), but he loved dinosaurs and could recognise a quetzlcoatlus at 20 paces.

I got some great advice on here at the time and it was basically 'don't worry' and he'll be fine. Absolutely right.

cosypompoms · 23/12/2023 06:17

You obviously are a great mum trying to a good thing, but my advice is....Instead of teaching her to hold then pen in a certain way you could help her to strengthen her fine motor skills by playing with playdough, and threading. The pen control will come in time.

Benibidibici · 23/12/2023 06:18

You will get loads of people on here telling you she's too young, leave it etc.

I was told the same and its a big regret that i didn't do more - dc is now 7 and has absolutely awful handwriting, it slows him down so despite being probably the best reader in class with good spag & vocab, his written work is often poor. It took ages in reception to get him out of bad habits.

A fisted grip is quite immature at 4. Do loads of stuff to strengthen shoulders and hand grip - climbing activities, but then look at ball popper toys, spray bottles etc to strengthen pincer. Get a stabilo easy ergo pencil and encourage lots of craft activities also using scissors lots. Stand up easel to do chalks. Encourage crayons/chalks/pencils over felt tips and avoid white boards, there's no resistance and kids barely have to press with these.