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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give our mum presents for Christmas

87 replies

MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 · 22/12/2023 10:19

My brother and I have the misfortune of having a complete waste of space for a mother. She drinks, but that's only part of the problem. The selfishness runs deeper than that.

He came back into her life after decades. He made an effort to have a relationship with her but she just let's him down, as she has me all of my life.

I'm low contact with her but for his sake agreed to go for a meal with him, mum and SIL to celebrate his birthday and recent wedding. He really wanted her to come.

She agrees to come and says how lovely it will be then turns her phone off on the day. I finally get hold of her two days later, pissed, and she just says she mixed the days up. No apology or call to my brother. Nothing. She knows he has left me with a present for her.

It's obvious she hasn't bothered getting us or any of the kids anything for Christmas, not even a card, so WIBU to just not bother taking hers over?

I'm so angry with her because I know she has hurt him. Again.

OP posts:
AhBiscuits · 22/12/2023 10:21

He bought it for her so you should give it to her. Hopefully it will make her feel guilty for buying nothing in return.

youneveractually · 22/12/2023 10:22

do your children have any interaction with this woman at all?

Original poster
MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 · 22/12/2023 10:23

AhBiscuits · 22/12/2023 10:21

He bought it for her so you should give it to her. Hopefully it will make her feel guilty for buying nothing in return.

That's why I'm conflicted, as it's from him.

She lives a reasonable distance from me and it'll be a faff going all the way over there on public transport and I really don't want to see or deal with her.

But then it'll be him I'm letting down 😔

OP posts:
youneveractually · 22/12/2023 10:23

she’s an alcoholic

Member984815 · 22/12/2023 10:27

She won't make the effort for you, or your brother . I'd explain to him why you can't pass on the present and put it in the back of the cupboard and forget about it for now. She won't feel guilty for not turning up it'll be excuse after excuse

Original poster
MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 · 22/12/2023 10:27

youneveractually · 22/12/2023 10:22

do your children have any interaction with this woman at all?

Not anymore no, i don't allow it. My youngest has only seen her a handful of times in his life.

OP posts:
Original poster
MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 · 22/12/2023 10:30

youneveractually · 22/12/2023 10:23

she’s an alcoholic

Yes, we know.

Why does that absolve her of taking one hour out of her time to turn up to something that is really important to her son?

She couldn't even be arsed to buy and send a £1 card.

OP posts:
Original poster
MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 · 22/12/2023 10:31

Member984815 · 22/12/2023 10:27

She won't make the effort for you, or your brother . I'd explain to him why you can't pass on the present and put it in the back of the cupboard and forget about it for now. She won't feel guilty for not turning up it'll be excuse after excuse

I think you're spot on. She isn't going to feel guilty. Her whole existence is spent making excuses for her shortcomings.

OP posts:
shepherdsangeldelight · 22/12/2023 10:35

MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 · 22/12/2023 10:23

That's why I'm conflicted, as it's from him.

She lives a reasonable distance from me and it'll be a faff going all the way over there on public transport and I really don't want to see or deal with her.

But then it'll be him I'm letting down 😔

Show quote history

I'd personally message "DB has left a present for you with me; I'll be in x place at y time (something not inconvenient for you) so you can come and get the present then"

Puts the responsibility on her to make the effort. And (unless you want to do more) literally restrict your interaction to handing over the present and going away. And if she doesn't turn up and doesn't get in touch to make a different arrangement, then consider yourself to have absolved yourself from any future responsibility.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 22/12/2023 10:36

I think you just message DB and say 'her not turning up for you the other day has brought up so many difficult feelings for me. I'm angry at her all over again and don't have the time or inclination to trek over town to deliver your gift. I'm sorry. Let me know if you want me to keep it for you, try to return it after Christmas or donate it.'

Then forget about it. This isn't your job to fix.

ManateeFair · 22/12/2023 10:39

youneveractually · 22/12/2023 10:23

she’s an alcoholic

First prize for deduction there

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 22/12/2023 10:39

Can you post it to her? Special delivery will still get it there before christmas

i realise it’s a cost, but getting there would be a cost. Send it for your brothers sake and then don’t engage with her again.

LittleGreenDragons · 22/12/2023 10:40

MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 · 22/12/2023 10:30

Yes, we know.

Why does that absolve her of taking one hour out of her time to turn up to something that is really important to her son?

She couldn't even be arsed to buy and send a £1 card.

Show quote history

Alcoholics live in a different world. Only alcohol features in it, nothing else. You wouldn't expect a heroin addict to think rationally and alcohol addiction can be very similar.

I suggest you get some support from the AA family group so you can understand this horrible addiction better and how to accept her limitations without it hurting you as much.

Original poster
MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 · 22/12/2023 10:44

LittleGreenDragons · 22/12/2023 10:40

Alcoholics live in a different world. Only alcohol features in it, nothing else. You wouldn't expect a heroin addict to think rationally and alcohol addiction can be very similar.

I suggest you get some support from the AA family group so you can understand this horrible addiction better and how to accept her limitations without it hurting you as much.

Show quote history

Ah right, well that's ok then..🙄

OP posts:
Paperbagsaremine · 22/12/2023 10:45

Post it and then go live your best life.

If you have any doubts, imagine a sensible man in your position doing what you'd like to do, and ask yourself, would I think he's being a dick or not? (I think women are often influenced into treating themselves worse than other people, which is barmy when you think about it).

MarleyandMarleyWoooo · 22/12/2023 10:49

You poor thing. I’m sorry for you and your brothers troubles, your mother sounds very difficult.
I wouldn’t bring her present to her but, as a kindness to my brother, I would post it to her. And then I would go on living my life without making one iota of effort towards her, and refusing to allow her to disrupt my peace wherever possible.

VeronicaMars2023 · 22/12/2023 10:51

I wouldn’t withhold it, but I also wouldn’t go out of my way to get it to her, I’d just let he know that “I have a gift for you from DB, let me know when you are able to collect”

It won’t be colllected, but that’s on her, not you.

Original poster
MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 · 22/12/2023 11:05

Thank you for the suggestions, I'll consider the options.

In the past I've been guilty of shielding him from just how shit she. An example of this would be for birthdays in previous years, I'd go with her and choose something from her to him, go with her to post it to make sure it gets posted. I'd chase her up when we had a meet up planned and tie myself in knots to try and make sure she was sober for it and turned up.

Those days are long gone, I just won't take responsibility for her anymore. I don't bother with her at all unless completely unavoidable.

I also realised that whilst my intentions were good, trying to spare his feelings, I'm not helping anybody and actually he should see just how selfish she is.

OP posts:
youneveractually · 22/12/2023 11:35

MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 · 22/12/2023 10:27

Not anymore no, i don't allow it. My youngest has only seen her a handful of times in his life.

Show quote history

rather optimistic then to expect presents from her

She’s an alcoholic. As was my mother. It is hell. Was your mother otherwise a good mother pre drinking problem ? your childhood?

youneveractually · 22/12/2023 11:36

how old is your brother? he’s married, with children?

Original poster
MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 · 22/12/2023 11:43

I don't actually expect presents from her. I already know she doesn't care so that's just another way she makes that obvious really.

No, she wasn't a good mother to me. Very emotionally immature and unavailable. She did the bare minimum and even begrudged that.

My brother is in his 40's, just married no children yet but TTC.

We've both done alright really, considering.

OP posts:
howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 22/12/2023 11:47

MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 · 22/12/2023 10:23

That's why I'm conflicted, as it's from him.

She lives a reasonable distance from me and it'll be a faff going all the way over there on public transport and I really don't want to see or deal with her.

But then it'll be him I'm letting down 😔

Show quote history

Ask your brother ...... given the situation does he still want mum to have his present?

If so, wait until you next see her and give it to her then. Why would you make a special trip? or he can collect it from you and drop it off to her if he wants her to have it sooner.

youneveractually · 22/12/2023 11:51

ok so the fact she is an alcoholic is actually irrelevant to the issue.

She has always been horrible

in which case, i would have said years ago to my brother that i believe this is someone who is a profoundly negative person in our lives and, as a consequence i do not want to be exposed to her anymore. i love you, and i am concerned about you having a relationship with her but, as a grown assed man, that is your prerogative

Clarinet1 · 22/12/2023 12:02

I am sorry for your situation. It sounds very sad and difficult. However, the bit I don’t understand is why you have to be the go-between for your brother? Why can’t he post or deliver the present himself?

ReindeerShelter · 22/12/2023 12:04

YABU. This isn’t about her, or you. Your brother gave you the present in good faith to give to her.

Drop it off on her doorstep and leave it at that.