To not give our mum presents for Christmas

[MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023]

My brother and I have the misfortune of having a complete waste of space for a mother. She drinks, but that's only part of the problem. The selfishness runs deeper than that.

He came back into her life after decades. He made an effort to have a relationship with her but she just let's him down, as she has me all of my life.

I'm low contact with her but for his sake agreed to go for a meal with him, mum and SIL to celebrate his birthday and recent wedding. He really wanted her to come.

She agrees to come and says how lovely it will be then turns her phone off on the day. I finally get hold of her two days later, pissed, and she just says she mixed the days up. No apology or call to my brother. Nothing. She knows he has left me with a present for her.

It's obvious she hasn't bothered getting us or any of the kids anything for Christmas, not even a card, so WIBU to just not bother taking hers over?

I'm so angry with her because I know she has hurt him. Again.

You're right. Thank you. I needed to hear these things. I'm going to send him a text shortly.

You are trying to protect/rescue your brother as well as deal with your alcoholic mum. I really feel for you trying to deal with all of it. You don’t have to and can protect yourself too x

Your maternal family sound very like mine. I was allowed to stay with my mother. My younger siblings were taken into care. Sounds ridiculous but that’s how it was. My life was caring for my “waste of space” mother until I was 15. I was then placed with my father and his toxic mother. They instilled in me a great hatred of my mother. They managed to convince me she deserved nothing but a knife between her shoulderblades. She was everything that is wrong with world….

It was only when my mother passed did I have any incline as to why she became an alcoholic. I'm not going to post my story but in short I was removed from a, then, alcohol dependent woman that I had no choice than to look after and was later removed to live with a cruel, self absorbed, sadistic, lying, abusive bastard. And his equally disgusting mother. They were the very reasons why my mother had to resort to alcohol to drown out the reality of her life. The trauma she endured throughout her life is incomprehensible and I wish I had known this before it was too late.

If you feel your mother doesn’t deserve a gift from your brother then dont give it to her and explain to your brother why. If your mother is anything like mine she won’t come to yours to collect it. My mother couldn’t have even if she’d wanted to.

I hope you feel content with whatever decision you make. Hope you have a lovely Christmas. Everyone deserves to be happy at Christmas… or so the story goes 😏

🎅🏻 🌲 xxx

Post the gift back to your brother and let him decide what he wants to do about it.

It's about protecting herself

That’s stating the obvious! 😂

How is your mother spending Christmas OP? Has anyone bothered inviting her to spend Christmas with her family or is her Christmas going to be spent with her drowning in whisky/vodka/gin/(insert her favourite blockout). Because that’s what alcoholics do right? Like they have a choice.

It’s no secret that alcoholics don’t function like normal people. Did you and your brother make a fuss on your mother’s birthday? Or are only mothers expected to push the boat out to cajole their adult offspring?

It’s up to you whether you give your mother a gift from her son tbh. It hardly warrants a thread asking opinions from strangers. Either give her the gift as agreed or send it back to your brother to do with as he pleases. Or shove it in the back of a cupboard if it’s easier.

Will anyone be checking that your dm is ok over Christmas?

Excuse you. You have no idea how many years I spent trying to keep her on the straight and narrow to my own detriment. I'm not even going to entertain such a narrow minded comment with an explanation.

People that get it, get it.

I hope your DM finds peace at Christmas. I hope someone cares enough to make sure she’s ok and to offer her the compassion she deserves. Hopefully someone will get her the help she needs 🙏

Do you think people reach low/no contact lightly?

ACOA's spend years of their lives trying to save and help their AP and are dragged right down with them.

'Someone' HAS tried to get her the help she needs MANY, MANY times. She doesn't engage and doesn't want it.

You sound completely dim and out of touch with the world. People like you are the reason ACOA's are kept in the trenches longer than they ever should be.

Even Al-Anon tells you to detatch.

Just go away. Please. You will never understand and for that you should be thankful.

@PurpleParrots, I don't know why you felt the need to write such nasty and unhelpful posts

@MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 , I hope you know that plenty of people on here completely understand why you need to maintain your hard-fought-for boundaries with your mother, and I hope you can ignore any spiteful nonsense

Sorry? I cared for my alcoholic mother until I was forced to live with my abuser(s).

My mum was not easy to live with. In fact it was Hell on Earth at times. My only regret is that I had no idea about the trauma she had suffered until it was too late. Now I am aware of what she went through I can totally understand why she hit the bottle.

I wish my mum had had someone to help drag her out of the living Hell she endured. hope your mum finds the helps she desperately needs.

I can totally understand why you are angry but I’ll leave you to it.

Did you grow up with an alcoholic mother?

I'm angry because I've done everything you think I should be doing, 100 times over, so much so it was taking my attention away from the people I actually have a responsibility for. My children.

You've read one snippet of what has happened over the years. I went through sheer unrelenting hell as a child, teenager and then adult. I've got bucket loads of my own trauma, half of which happened on her watch.

She has taken so much from me. No more. It took me a long time to get here but i'm glad that i have.

I'm truly sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry, I quoted the wrong person that was for Purple Parrots.

So you couldn’t drag your own alcoholic mother out of her living hell but you feel qualified to judge OP and make passive aggressive comments about OP’s mum finding peace and compassion with praying emojis?

You are in no position to preach to anyone.

I agree, I’ve reported some of these posts to MNHQ.

@MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 you have no need to apologise to anyone. You have done nothing wrong.

OP I can see where your brother is coming from - he will have had years of building a picture of her in his head, and coming to terms with the fact that is not reality will be difficult. But you don’t have to protect him from the reality of what your life was like. Whether that means a solid boundary: “my life with her was hell, I understand you want a relationship with her but I will not be a part of that” or whether you actually give him the detail.

For the present - I’d tell him you won’t be taking it to her, that you’ll hang on to it for him to do whatever he wants with it.

And some of the posters on here are utterly ridiculous. You do not have to bear responsibility for someone who just puts you through hell for years and years.

Op I’m so sorry it sounds like your mother has let you down ever since you were born. It’s absolutely ok to not see her to pass on your DBS present.

I think contact DB and let him know you have chosen not to see your mum so won’t be able to pass the present on. It might be helpful for him to see someone else having boundaries, but also he is old enough to choose to deliver the present himself if he thinks it is important for her to have it.

Sounds like you and DB are lucky to have each other and it sounds like you care for him a great deal. It does sound like you are taking too much responsibility for the situation though. If he is let down by your mum that is on her. You shouldn’t feel you have to mitigate the impact on him. Just focus on your own relationship with him, I’m sure he values that immensely.

I was born to two drug addicted parents. I grew up in foster care going round and round the care system until I left care. Then I lived with GP’s. By then my father had died from his addiction. Thankfully my DM’s family managed to get her the help she needed to kick her addiction. She is now a fully functioning GM and very much loved by her family and GC.

Im not perfect. My dysfunctional childhood didn’t set me on the right path.

I hope that helps

I'm glad some people understand why I've had to step away. Thank you. Please be under no illusion that I haven't tied myself in knots for years trying to support her into sobriety.

I'm really, really upset.

You can't "get" somebody help. You can take a horse to water but can't make them drink. Surely Purple you should understand that?

I’m not sure any 15 year old could drag a parent from a living hell tbh?

I’m not preaching to OP. I understand, totally, what she’s been through. I’m sorry I hoped her mother may find support and peace before it’s too late. I’m obviously wrong. I give up 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m truly sorry to hear that. It’s great that your DM got the help she needed. It does sound like OP has tried many times to help her DM but at some point self preservation is a must. I had a very narcissistic FIL. We tried time and time again to have a relationship with him but in the end went NC, His behaviour was affecting our whole family. Every olive branch was thrown in our faces. You can’t help someone if they don’t want to be helped. I hope you and your family have a lovely Christmas

Post it to her. The balls in her court then

@MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 Send your DM’s address to @PurpleParrots and @ShonaShoop so they can immediately sacrifice their time, health and sanity to trying to support your DM. Sounds like they’re willing.

YANBU OP.

You need to protect yourself from the painful impact of your mother's behaviour. Don't try to protect your brother from your mother, this isn't your job as he is an adult now. It's also obviously not your responsibility to cure your mother's alcoholism.

It's shit to have an alcoholic parent