Page 2 | To not give our mum presents for Christmas

MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 · 2023-12-22T10:19:39+00:00

My brother and I have the misfortune of having a complete waste of space for a mother. She drinks, but that's only part of the problem. The selfishness runs deeper than that. He came back into her life after decades. He made an effort to have a relationship with her but she just let's him down, as she has me all of my life. I'm low contact with her but for his sake agreed to go for a meal with him, mum and SIL to celebrate his birthday and recent wedding. He really wanted her to come. She agrees to come and says how lovely it will be then turns her phone off on the day. I finally get hold of her two days later, pissed, and she just says she mixed the days up. No apology or call to my brother. Nothing. She knows he has left me with a present for her. It's obvious she hasn't bothered getting us or any of the kids anything for Christmas, not even a card, so WIBU to just not bother taking hers over? I'm so angry with her because I know she has hurt him. Again.

youneveractually · 22/12/2023 12:06

Clarinet1 · 22/12/2023 12:02

I am sorry for your situation. It sounds very sad and difficult. However, the bit I don’t understand is why you have to be the go-between for your brother? Why can’t he post or deliver the present himself?

exactly

this is a middle aged man presumably with full mental and physical capabilities

youneveractually · 22/12/2023 12:06

your brother sounds thoughtless and insensitive

LittleGreenDragons · 22/12/2023 12:22

Ah right, well that's ok then..🙄

Don't be silly. The point of my post is that trying to get an alcoholic to do normal, every day things is not possible. You need to understand the limitations so you stop getting so hurt. It's a form of therapy that is specifically designed for families dealing with addiction. If you refuse to understand that she will never act how a normal mother/person will act then you will always be setting yourself up for pain. You know she's an alcoholic, you know she doesn't function/think like normal people so why do you keep expecting her to behave like one?

Anyway back to your original question - message her that you have his present to her and she can come and pick it up (at set time/date). Don't make a special trip to take it.

Original poster

MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 · 22/12/2023 12:34

Clarinet1 · 22/12/2023 12:02

I am sorry for your situation. It sounds very sad and difficult. However, the bit I don’t understand is why you have to be the go-between for your brother? Why can’t he post or deliver the present himself?

Ah I forgot to mention he doesn't live in the same city as us. He came last weekend for a pre arranged meal expecting her to be there so he could give it to her directly, but as she wasn't there he passed it over to me along with gifts for me nd my DC and I said I'd make sure she gets it.

I called her two days later and told her I had her Christmas present from him so to let me know when she wanted to meet me somewhere for it. She hasn't bothered calling and was probably too pissed to even remember the call.

OP posts:

Original poster

MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 · 22/12/2023 12:35

youneveractually · 22/12/2023 12:06

your brother sounds thoughtless and insensitive

What makes you think that?

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 22/12/2023 12:42

OP, you and your brother are doing great, so be very proud of having peaceful and functional lives. Be even more proud that you have managed to put very firm boundaries in place to manage your mother. My god that's a long painful journey but you have done it

I would not be putting myself out in any way over this. I would text her and say you have a present, and ask her to come and get it or meet you to pick it up. She probably won't show up, but you've given her the option. That's the end of your responsibility. Im so sorry that you're dealing with this x

Original poster

MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 · 22/12/2023 12:47

LittleGreenDragons · 22/12/2023 12:22

Ah right, well that's ok then..🙄

Don't be silly. The point of my post is that trying to get an alcoholic to do normal, every day things is not possible. You need to understand the limitations so you stop getting so hurt. It's a form of therapy that is specifically designed for families dealing with addiction. If you refuse to understand that she will never act how a normal mother/person will act then you will always be setting yourself up for pain. You know she's an alcoholic, you know she doesn't function/think like normal people so why do you keep expecting her to behave like one?

Anyway back to your original question - message her that you have his present to her and she can come and pick it up (at set time/date). Don't make a special trip to take it.

Sorry, I do see where you're coming from.

Where I'm concerned I don't tend to have many expectations of her as I don't have much to do with her at all, but in my brothers case he has a bit of hope that she'll care / make an effort. It's his disappointment and upset that hurts really.

He didn't grow up under mums care whereas I did. It's a long and complex story but the short version is that he was adopted as a child and came looking for her as an adult and they reunited 6 years ago. He sees alot of good in her that just isn't there.

I had no idea he existed until about 6 months before we met.

We clicked straight away and have built a good relationship. Mum made an effort to start with but soon reverted to type as shes completely disinterested in nurturing any sort of relationship with either of us, meanwhile me and my brother are in pretty regular contact so I know he still holds hope for a closer relationship with her so things like this make him feel abandoned all over again.

I was gutted when she let him down, because I know it hurt him and he deserves better.

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shepherdsangeldelight · 22/12/2023 12:48

I called her two days later and told her I had her Christmas present from him so to let me know when she wanted to meet me somewhere for it. She hasn't bothered calling and was probably too pissed to even remember the call.

So you've already carried out a reasonable action and it's now on your mother. It's not up to you to bend over backwards to enable her bad behaviour. Shove the present in a cupboard. If she's not arranged to pick it up by the end of January ask your brother whether he wants it back or whether you should donate it to charity.

LimeCheesecake · 22/12/2023 12:50

Oh OP - you need to really stop covering for your mum, you have stopped taking her to get gifts, but you still agreed to go visit her to cover that she couldn’t turn up for your brother.

message him and say you aren’t going to go to visit her soon, and is he ok with you posting his gift? Go to the post office today and get it gone.

in the future, don’t say you’ll take things for her to save your brother having the stress, he’s a middle aged man, it’s not your role to save him from Mum caused stress.

perhaps you also need to be clear to him that you won’t be taking care of your mum or seeing her.

youneveractually · 22/12/2023 13:58

MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 · 22/12/2023 12:35

What makes you think that?

Show quote history

asking you
his sister
knowing she has a very negative relationship with her mother
knowing the effort this involves for you
knowing the toxic childhood you both endured

ShonaShoop · 22/12/2023 15:20

There’s an awful lot to untangle here. What trauma led to your mum becoming an alcoholic OP? I’m pretty certain she didn’t wake up one morning and decide to become dependent on alcohol.

You say your brother was taken into care and later adopted yet you stayed in the care of your mother. There’s a story right there.

Your mum probably wanted to attend your brothers birthday bash. However, if she is an alcoholic her priority would be “How can I have a drink when I’m with other people. I want to be there. I want to make a good impression for my son. But I can’t. I know I can’t”.

Having an alcoholic for a mother is not easy. God knows I lived it. It was only when my mum died did I learn her story. I cannot believe she managed to survive through the trauma she did. I guess she had no choice than to live through and was then cast out by her family.

Has your mum explained to your brother the true reason he landed up in care? He seems to have time for her - when others don’t.

All I’m saying is find out her story before you judge. Be prepared. It won’t be pretty.

Nobody becomes an alcohol for no reason.

shepherdsangeldelight · 22/12/2023 15:39

All I’m saying is find out her story before you judge. Be prepared. It won’t be pretty.

OP can both understand and sympathise with her mum's alcoholism and any trauma that may have caused it AND decide that she is not prepared to put up with her mum's behaviour.

This is not about judging. It's about protecting herself.

Original poster

MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 · 22/12/2023 15:45

ShonaShoop · 22/12/2023 15:20

There’s an awful lot to untangle here. What trauma led to your mum becoming an alcoholic OP? I’m pretty certain she didn’t wake up one morning and decide to become dependent on alcohol.

You say your brother was taken into care and later adopted yet you stayed in the care of your mother. There’s a story right there.

Your mum probably wanted to attend your brothers birthday bash. However, if she is an alcoholic her priority would be “How can I have a drink when I’m with other people. I want to be there. I want to make a good impression for my son. But I can’t. I know I can’t”.

Having an alcoholic for a mother is not easy. God knows I lived it. It was only when my mum died did I learn her story. I cannot believe she managed to survive through the trauma she did. I guess she had no choice than to live through and was then cast out by her family.

Has your mum explained to your brother the true reason he landed up in care? He seems to have time for her - when others don’t.

All I’m saying is find out her story before you judge. Be prepared. It won’t be pretty.

Nobody becomes an alcohol for no reason.

Alcoholism runs in the family unfortunately. I don't know about any trauma she went through before I was born as she never opened up about anything. My grandparents are deceased and I don't have anything to do with mums siblings who are just as bad.

My brother was relinquished at birth. I was born 11 years later and I didn't know anything about him.

We have different fathers (he is mixed race and I'm not) and she claims not to remember who either of them are, so none of us know where we came from.

She's obviously a very complex woman and no doubt will be carrying things that she doesn't speak of so I have empathy for that. I 'parented' her since I was a child myself, but she treat me dreadfully and let me down at every turn - so I'm past caring about the 'whys' now. Sorry if that sounds harsh. I don't mean to seem uncaring.

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youneveractually · 22/12/2023 15:50

it doesn’t make you sound “harsh” in the slightest

This woman catastrophically let you down as a child

what is “harsh” is your much older brother not being sensitive to all this and asking this of you

youneveractually · 22/12/2023 15:51

what kind of relationship does he have with the parents who raised him?

Original poster

MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 · 22/12/2023 16:10

He didn't ask me outright to take responsibility for it, but it was in the bag that he gave me containing my present and my DC's.

I think we both felt awkward about the fact she hadn't turned up and he didn't know what else to do with it at the time other than to just leave it in the bag.

Unfortunately his adoptive mother is also an alcoholic, albeit a functioning one (unlike our bio mum)

She moved away a while ago but he sees her every so often.

Actually that just reminded me, she too let him down about going to see him before he and SIL went abroad the week before.

So that's both his mothers who did the same thing in a short space of time.

He's such a good person and I hate how all of that must make him feel, he deserves so much better. Fortunately SIL is amazing and he has plenty of support in her (and me - I love him to bits)

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youneveractually · 22/12/2023 16:12

I think we both felt awkward about the fact she hadn't turned up and he didn't know what else to do with it at the time other than to just leave it in the bag.

He has a relationship with her, albeit very stunted

You (thankfully) do not,

So just drop him a message and say - “mum’s present was in the bag but obviously i won’t be seeing her any time soon (or at all!), so shall i pass it back to you when we next see each other or do you want me to post? xxx”

Original poster

MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 · 22/12/2023 16:12

As for his adoptive dad, he seems like a decent man and he has a positive relationship with him so it's not all bad. He does have people who care about him.

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youneveractually · 22/12/2023 16:13

he deserves so much better.

so do YOU!!

youneveractually · 22/12/2023 16:15

MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 · 22/12/2023 16:12

As for his adoptive dad, he seems like a decent man and he has a positive relationship with him so it's not all bad. He does have people who care about him.

do you though?

Original poster

MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 · 22/12/2023 16:16

youneveractually · 22/12/2023 16:13

he deserves so much better.

so do YOU!!

Thank you 🥺

I've got a habit of putting other people's feelings above my own, that's something I learned from being 'parentified' growing up. I need to give my head a wobble and cop on to the fact that caring about my brother and his feelings doesn't need to mean I neglect my own in the process.

OP posts:

Original poster

MeRrYcHrIsTmAs2023 · 22/12/2023 16:18

youneveractually · 22/12/2023 16:15

do you though?

Show quote history

I've got my DP and DC 🙂

I don't have a paternal family though as I haven't a clue who he is, nor does my mum.. apparently 🙄

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youneveractually · 22/12/2023 16:18

exactly op

You are 11 years younger than your brother
You didn’t “escape” anything as a child

You need to keep your distance from your mother
and you need to have a fairly direct word with your brother about your stance on your mum and how passing things on to her… is simply not on the cards

youneveractually · 22/12/2023 16:19

please send my message to your brother! tonight! don’t waste another thought thinking about this OP

mottytotty · 22/12/2023 16:21

You can’t protect your brother forever, he is a man in his 40s.

Tell him that you won’t be seeing mum over Christmas after her no show so you’ll wait to hear from him on what to do with her present. Say you’ll post it back to him in the New Year or whatever he wants to do with it, such as a food bank, charity shop etc.