I had a conversation with DB last month when we were arranging to meet and I was open about how much I've had to pull back and why. I made clear, in as nice a way I could put it, that I was only agreeing to the dinner with her for his sake. I told him I didn't want to be the reason he didn't see her when I knew he really wanted to.
He lives a considerable distance away and doesn't come here much, so he wanted to see us both together.
I do worry that he might reach the same conclusion as some posters on here, that I should be doing more to support her and checking on her all of the time.
Fortunately he hasn't seen her at her worst and hasn't had the years of shit that I've had, so he still has a bit of an idealistic view of her and thinks she's a really kind hearted person.
He's never had to deal with her drunk, or the fallout from it. Years ago after they reunited I would tie myself in knots to make sure she was sober on the day she was meeting him, even pleading with her to stay at my place the night before so I could be certain she'd 1) not drink and 2) actually turn up.
So when he saw mum he wasn't getting the version I get 6 days out of 7. For a couple of hours on that one day she was fine, then she'd hit the bottle again and it was another week of hell for me. Sleepless nights wondering if something had happened to her. Calling the police to do welfare checks. Endless calls to adult social services and the people who work at her housing complex. It never ended. Round and round it went. She would turn her phone off for days at a time so I'd rush over there to make sure she was OK. She always was, she just didn't want me to know she'd been drinking. I used to beg her to keep her phone on and said I don't care if she's drunk when she answers I just need to know she's safe and well.
Then there was the hospital trips. Sitting in A&E with her at 1 week post cesarean section, newborn in tow, because she fell over outside. She thought all of that was hilarious and was cracking jokes about having a CT scan on her head.
My DB wasn't witnessing any of this and I didn't want to burden him with it so I dealt with it myself as he shouldn't have to deal with that.
I felt responsible for her as I'd been the parent in the relationship since I was a child myself.
Round and round we go. Weekly, for years. Abuse. Panic. Stress. Anxiety. Anger. Rinse and repeat.
She hits rock bottom early last year and winds up in hospital. She had 'mild' liver damage (a miracle in itself) but was physically in a bad way in general. She tells them she wants to quit the booze so she has an inpatient medical detox. I cared for her when she came out.
6-7 months of sobriety followed with me supporting her every step of the way.
The time comes to have some tests done on her liver, I assume to see if it had healed.
She reports good news, shes "alright now", then goes straight back to drinking that day.
She was counting down the days until she could get away with it. A choice at this point.
That's when I thought bollocks to this I'm not going through all of that again, I'm not having my children exposed to that anymore now they're reaching an age they'd know something was amiss.