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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas dinner dilemma

129 replies

notallmenbutalwaysaman · 21/12/2023 23:41

Background info: I get along fine with my MIL/FIL. They've pissed me off before and I'm not the DIL they wanted but we are friendly enough and make an effort with each other. I have two children- 13 and 10- with an ex but they have been in my DH's life for 6 years now. Ex is very much involved.

I have agreed to go to MIL's for Christmas dinner. Our place is too small to host and, although my preference would be to cook our own dinner and have a small celebration then visit after dinner (they are only down the road), DH thinks it's important to go to his mum's and says she would be offended if we didn't so that was the plan. I don't love going because 1) food is never how you'd do it yourself, is it? 2) I feel a little uncomfortable as MIL also invites loads of her family who I see maybe twice a year and although they're lovely I'm a bit socially awkward and just don't find it relaxing; 3) We end up sitting around for ages at theirs afterwards instead of me and the kids being snuggled up at home with a film or playing with their toy. The latter point is important because the kids go to their dad's at 3pm Christmas day every year and stay until the 31st (I get Christmas Eve and Christmas morning as a compromise- we can't change these arrangements so late in the day as ex has planned around them and it wouldn't be fair) so my time with them over the Christmas period is limitted and it doesn't feel quite the same in early January. I would love to host but our house is barely big enough for us, let alone extra guests.

The issue, however, is that DH has just announced MIL is not cooking a Christmas dinner this year and is instead doing a pasta and salad selection with some cold meats etc. This is because she finds the pressure to cook too much for so many people (whom she has invited). I have offered to bring dishes but this has been refused. Everyone always helps clear up afterwards so this isn't the issue, and we always offer to help beforehand but are generally turned down. Anyway, I may be being a bit of a brat but I don't want this for my Christmas dinner. I just don't. My time with my children is limited and I want to enjoy a proper Christmas dinner with them, as we always have (until last year I always cooked myself) before I don't see them for a week. I work full time in a highly stressful job so we don't have a huge amount of family time so I make a big deal of Christmas- it's the one time I feel genuinely relaxed and like there aren't a million work deadlines to worry about. I have said to DH I will stay home and cook and we can go round after dinner but he says I'm causing trouble and to suck it up for one meal. But I just don't want to!

We could have Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve but it doesn't feel the same, plus we've booked to go to one of those stately home Christmas shows so it'll be a busy day as it is, plus all the usual Christmas Eve excitement.

AIBU to want to stay home and visit afterwards?

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 21/12/2023 23:44

Stay home and visit afterwards

Use your kids as the excuse (sorry kids!) - it’s really important to them to have C’mas dinner with you bf going to their dads.

Your DH is generally being unreasonable to insist you go before the kids are gone. So make this the last year you do that.

RedHelenB · 21/12/2023 23:44

No yanbu.

littlepea13 · 21/12/2023 23:45

notallmenbutalwaysaman · 21/12/2023 23:41

Background info: I get along fine with my MIL/FIL. They've pissed me off before and I'm not the DIL they wanted but we are friendly enough and make an effort with each other. I have two children- 13 and 10- with an ex but they have been in my DH's life for 6 years now. Ex is very much involved.

I have agreed to go to MIL's for Christmas dinner. Our place is too small to host and, although my preference would be to cook our own dinner and have a small celebration then visit after dinner (they are only down the road), DH thinks it's important to go to his mum's and says she would be offended if we didn't so that was the plan. I don't love going because 1) food is never how you'd do it yourself, is it? 2) I feel a little uncomfortable as MIL also invites loads of her family who I see maybe twice a year and although they're lovely I'm a bit socially awkward and just don't find it relaxing; 3) We end up sitting around for ages at theirs afterwards instead of me and the kids being snuggled up at home with a film or playing with their toy. The latter point is important because the kids go to their dad's at 3pm Christmas day every year and stay until the 31st (I get Christmas Eve and Christmas morning as a compromise- we can't change these arrangements so late in the day as ex has planned around them and it wouldn't be fair) so my time with them over the Christmas period is limitted and it doesn't feel quite the same in early January. I would love to host but our house is barely big enough for us, let alone extra guests.

The issue, however, is that DH has just announced MIL is not cooking a Christmas dinner this year and is instead doing a pasta and salad selection with some cold meats etc. This is because she finds the pressure to cook too much for so many people (whom she has invited). I have offered to bring dishes but this has been refused. Everyone always helps clear up afterwards so this isn't the issue, and we always offer to help beforehand but are generally turned down. Anyway, I may be being a bit of a brat but I don't want this for my Christmas dinner. I just don't. My time with my children is limited and I want to enjoy a proper Christmas dinner with them, as we always have (until last year I always cooked myself) before I don't see them for a week. I work full time in a highly stressful job so we don't have a huge amount of family time so I make a big deal of Christmas- it's the one time I feel genuinely relaxed and like there aren't a million work deadlines to worry about. I have said to DH I will stay home and cook and we can go round after dinner but he says I'm causing trouble and to suck it up for one meal. But I just don't want to!

We could have Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve but it doesn't feel the same, plus we've booked to go to one of those stately home Christmas shows so it'll be a busy day as it is, plus all the usual Christmas Eve excitement.

AIBU to want to stay home and visit afterwards?

Has MIL just changed her mind about what she's cooking for xmas dinner or did DH know all along but just tell you now as he wanted to be with MIL for xmas?

littlepea13 · 21/12/2023 23:47

but no, either way, YANBU

Frazzledmum123 · 21/12/2023 23:48

So you should have to suck it up for one meal but mummy dearest shouldn't have to? He can't have it both ways. Either Christmas dinner is a big deal and he should therefore understand why it's important to you, or it isn't a big deal then there is no problem going round after. I'd 100% be doing my own

Original poster
notallmenbutalwaysaman · 21/12/2023 23:48

littlepea13 · 21/12/2023 23:45

Has MIL just changed her mind about what she's cooking for xmas dinner or did DH know all along but just tell you now as he wanted to be with MIL for xmas?

Show quote history

I think he only just found out, but not certain. He was round there today to visit but only told me half an hour ago. A massive row has ensued and he's "sick of being stuck between us" because I don't want to go now.

OP posts:
Ivesaidenough · 21/12/2023 23:56

I really feel for you here. My MIL is the same. We spend every other year there and never get a proper Christmas dinner. Christmas pudding is "too heavy" so they have trifle instead. I don't like trifle. There's nothing else, I just don't get any pudding.
You've got my sympathy.

littlepea13 · 21/12/2023 23:57

"sick of being stuck between us"

Imo, this isn't a you vs MIL thing, she has made the (however questionable/stubborn) decision to not do a roast for xmas dinner, and you have decided that doesn't work for you as you want to have the traditional Christmas dinner with your kids, which most people would want. You aren't having a massive arguement about it, MIL has just changed her dinner plans, so you have too.

Your DC going to their dads at 3pm only adds to your point, I'd still say YANBU even if you had your kids over the whole xmas period.

(Also, I'm sure you're not the only one that's not happy about dinner, MIL might not have too many people to cook for anyway...)

knowsmorethansnow · 21/12/2023 23:59

Stay home

Fullofxmascbeer · 21/12/2023 23:59

I’d go round after 3pm.

LocalHobo · 22/12/2023 00:00

When you were talking about snuggling at home in front of a movie I was on DH's side. You can make time to do that another day if it's a priority.
But, with MIL finding a traditional dinner hard work because she invites so many randomers, MIL is basically saying that you and your DC are bottom of her priorities. Are you sure she knows how important a special lunch on Christmas Day is to you? If so, and she won't make the effort to cook (with your kindly offered help) then stay home. You know where you sit in the pecking order.

itsalwaysthesame · 22/12/2023 00:01

Have Christmas dinner at yours with the kids and go the MIL when ex comes picks kids up, I would be firm and insist on this as you have limited time with kids, and who the fuck what's pasta & salads on Christmas Day 🤣

angsanana · 22/12/2023 00:03

If this is about the dinner, yes you're right you're being a brat. The host decides what you should eat, end of. Just because you're "offering" to bring side dishes it doesn't make catering and timing a sit down meal for a large number of people any easier for your mother in law.
I Weber it sounds from your post this isn't about the food. You want to spend some quality snuggle/ toy playing time with your children. You won't get that at your mother in laws, whatever lunch she serves.
Stop using a pasta salad as an excuse, pull up your big girl pants and tell them you're doing Christmas your way, at home, with the children and you'll see them all after 3.

Tinkerbyebye · 22/12/2023 00:03

YANBU. Just have Christmas Day at yours and do your Christmas with your kids. Tell your dh that you won’t get time with the kids after 3pm Christmas Day until January, so sorry you are staying at home. He can go to his mums if he wishes or stay with you

pizzaHeart · 22/12/2023 00:04

Frazzledmum123 · 21/12/2023 23:48

So you should have to suck it up for one meal but mummy dearest shouldn't have to? He can't have it both ways. Either Christmas dinner is a big deal and he should therefore understand why it's important to you, or it isn't a big deal then there is no problem going round after. I'd 100% be doing my own

This^
I think you should have proper Xmas dinner at home with kids and then DH and you visit MIL for drinks and nibbles later in the evening.

littlepea13 · 22/12/2023 00:06

angsanana · 22/12/2023 00:03

If this is about the dinner, yes you're right you're being a brat. The host decides what you should eat, end of. Just because you're "offering" to bring side dishes it doesn't make catering and timing a sit down meal for a large number of people any easier for your mother in law.
I Weber it sounds from your post this isn't about the food. You want to spend some quality snuggle/ toy playing time with your children. You won't get that at your mother in laws, whatever lunch she serves.
Stop using a pasta salad as an excuse, pull up your big girl pants and tell them you're doing Christmas your way, at home, with the children and you'll see them all after 3.

If you booked a restaurant with a set menu, and then the restaurant changed their menu to something you didn't want, you would cancel the booking and not go wouldn't you?

grumpycow1 · 22/12/2023 00:09

Stay home with your kids and cook a nice dinner… then go at 3. If DH goes without you that’s his choice.

AlltheFs · 22/12/2023 00:10

Hell would freeze over before I’d go @notallmenbutalwaysaman stand your ground.

Lindy2 · 22/12/2023 00:10

If you invite people round for Christmas dinner then really you need to cook an actual Christmas dinner.

I'd be so disappointed with pasta and salads. That's a midweek, fairly dull meal to me.

If she is feeling under pressure because of the number of people she's invited say you'll make things easier by eating at home and visiting later in the day. Your DH needs to stop sitting on the fence and speak up about what you want to do.

Daughtersandbristolian · 22/12/2023 00:14

My MIL won’t even get potato waffle or dessert for our kids for Boxing Day even though we are hosting them all Xmas day! Do what you want with your children before they go to their dads with zero guilt - next year I am having it just the 5 of us at home that’s it xxxxxxx

pinkdelight · 22/12/2023 00:15

Your kids are important to you. You're right to prioritise Christmas Day with them while DP and his mum can prioritise each other. They can't expect you to suck it up - why should you? She's not close to you and your DC and that shouldn't dictate your day. DP can go to his mums and you can join them all later when DC have gone. No need for you to suck up anything for some pasta salad!

Whattheheckcarer · 22/12/2023 00:18

Go after your kids have gone.

olympicsrock · 22/12/2023 00:22

The company is more important than the food. It would be hugely offensive not to go at this point in time. Stay at home next year.

Stichintime · 22/12/2023 00:23

If there's no roast potatoes, it's not a Christmas dinner.

shampooing · 22/12/2023 00:23

notallmenbutalwaysaman · 21/12/2023 23:48

I think he only just found out, but not certain. He was round there today to visit but only told me half an hour ago. A massive row has ensued and he's "sick of being stuck between us" because I don't want to go now.

Show quote history

I don’t know why you would agree to go in the first place. You will have limited time with your kids and if Heston Blumenthal himself was cooking at MIL’s I’d still rather spend the day with my kids in my own home.

DH should not be stuck in the middle, because he should be prioritising you over his mum anyway.

All adults should be prioritising the children, and in this case it sounds like it would be good for them to have time with you before going off to their dad’s. Whether DH goes to his mum or not I wouldn’t go in general while children are involved, I don’t just mean this year).

And pasta salad on Christmas Day? Don’t think so.

@Ivesaidenough either don’t go or bring a pudding but please don’t suffer that misery! I actually like trifle but if hosting make a few desserts (and eat them all too!)