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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas dinner dilemma

129 replies

notallmenbutalwaysaman · 21/12/2023 23:41

Background info: I get along fine with my MIL/FIL. They've pissed me off before and I'm not the DIL they wanted but we are friendly enough and make an effort with each other. I have two children- 13 and 10- with an ex but they have been in my DH's life for 6 years now. Ex is very much involved.

I have agreed to go to MIL's for Christmas dinner. Our place is too small to host and, although my preference would be to cook our own dinner and have a small celebration then visit after dinner (they are only down the road), DH thinks it's important to go to his mum's and says she would be offended if we didn't so that was the plan. I don't love going because 1) food is never how you'd do it yourself, is it? 2) I feel a little uncomfortable as MIL also invites loads of her family who I see maybe twice a year and although they're lovely I'm a bit socially awkward and just don't find it relaxing; 3) We end up sitting around for ages at theirs afterwards instead of me and the kids being snuggled up at home with a film or playing with their toy. The latter point is important because the kids go to their dad's at 3pm Christmas day every year and stay until the 31st (I get Christmas Eve and Christmas morning as a compromise- we can't change these arrangements so late in the day as ex has planned around them and it wouldn't be fair) so my time with them over the Christmas period is limitted and it doesn't feel quite the same in early January. I would love to host but our house is barely big enough for us, let alone extra guests.

The issue, however, is that DH has just announced MIL is not cooking a Christmas dinner this year and is instead doing a pasta and salad selection with some cold meats etc. This is because she finds the pressure to cook too much for so many people (whom she has invited). I have offered to bring dishes but this has been refused. Everyone always helps clear up afterwards so this isn't the issue, and we always offer to help beforehand but are generally turned down. Anyway, I may be being a bit of a brat but I don't want this for my Christmas dinner. I just don't. My time with my children is limited and I want to enjoy a proper Christmas dinner with them, as we always have (until last year I always cooked myself) before I don't see them for a week. I work full time in a highly stressful job so we don't have a huge amount of family time so I make a big deal of Christmas- it's the one time I feel genuinely relaxed and like there aren't a million work deadlines to worry about. I have said to DH I will stay home and cook and we can go round after dinner but he says I'm causing trouble and to suck it up for one meal. But I just don't want to!

We could have Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve but it doesn't feel the same, plus we've booked to go to one of those stately home Christmas shows so it'll be a busy day as it is, plus all the usual Christmas Eve excitement.

AIBU to want to stay home and visit afterwards?

OP posts:

ChateauDuMont · 22/12/2023 00:23

Your husband can go for the crappy dinner but you stay at home with your children until they go to their dads and then you can call round and have a couple of hours with his parents.

That's what I would do and if anyone took exception to that I would tell them where to go.

shampooing · 22/12/2023 00:24

olympicsrock · 22/12/2023 00:22

The company is more important than the food. It would be hugely offensive not to go at this point in time. Stay at home next year.

It depends on the company 🤷🏻‍♀️
I would cancel.

AGoingConcern · 22/12/2023 00:25

You and DH are both being unreasonable. You both need to do a better job compromising.

He considers your children an important part of his family and wants them to be part of Christmas traditions with his parents - that's not unreasonable.
You want some time at your home on Christmas day with your kids - that's not unreasonable.

Set a time limit on your visit on Christmas day so that you're there only for a meal. Agree to an alternating year schedule. Suck it up for this year and then make adjustments with your ex for splitting the holiday differently moving forward. Have a traditional Christmas dinner the 24th if you need those specific foods. Tell your DH that Christmas dinner at home (not dictating the entire holiday but having dinner at home) is your absolute priority and find some other places to compromise that are important to him. It's both of your Christmases, so find a middle ground.

CarolinaInTheMorning · 22/12/2023 00:29

If you are refusing to go just because of the food, I think that's a bit unreasonable. But I do understand not wanting to spend precious time with your children on Christmas Day in an unwelcoming environment. I'd try to talk DH into eating at home and going to MIL's after your children have left.

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/12/2023 00:39

Oh come on, everyone's been looking forward to Christmas dinner. Why shouldn't she be disappointed in having to have salad instead?

OP, I would tell him he could do what he liked, a bit more politely, but that I was going to have lunch with my children. I wouldn't leave the house until after they've gone.

Youremylobster87 · 22/12/2023 00:42

YANBU OP, and I completely disagree with anyone saying you shouldn't moan about the food. It's Christmas, and if you want a Christmas dinner than so be it, I would react exactly the same way. Cook one yourself and spend the precious time with your children, you can see the PIL after they leave.

Kpcs · 22/12/2023 01:01

Its just a day, you can have Christmas dinner food on any other day you like. You’ll still have the family together

Original poster

notallmenbutalwaysaman · 22/12/2023 01:02

Kpcs · 22/12/2023 01:01

Its just a day, you can have Christmas dinner food on any other day you like. You’ll still have the family together

We can, but we don't. We both work til late, kids are in clubs/after school care/eldest is home by himself until the evening and then it's a rush to get something made and we're all so exhausted we can barely manage an hour in each other's company before we're all asleep. Weekends are mostly with their dad so I don't get much time there either. Christmas is important to me and a random roast on another day doesn't feel the same. The kids look forward to the meal too.

OP posts:

ChateauDuMont · 22/12/2023 01:15

Preview of the MIL's Christmas dinner of Pasta, salad and some cold meats.

ibb.co/dmxLSG3

Ponderingwindow · 22/12/2023 01:53

I would want a proper Christmas with my kids before they leave. I would make Christmas dinner at home, enjoy it with your children, and then go to MIL after the kids leave.

Kitkatcatflap · 22/12/2023 02:04

If it's just a pasta/salad buffet then it doesn't matter what time you get there. Have an early Christmas dinner at your place and them pop round to the inlaws after your kids go to their Dad's

Flatandhappy · 22/12/2023 02:12

If your kids leave at three there is plenty of time to go to MILs after you have done a proper Christmas lunch with your kids. With your time being so limited I can’t believe your DH is being so unreasonable.

SleepingBeautySnores · 22/12/2023 02:12

No way would I be going to someone else's house for pasta salad on Christmas Day. MIL should have told you that she wasn't planning on a full traditional roast dinner, when she first invited you, then you would have had the choice whether or not to accept the invitation. Also, I think most Mum's would far prefer to spend such a limited amount of time on Christmas Day with their children, and DH/DP, and not with a bunch of random people who mean nothing to them. Stick to your guns OP! Tell DH and his Mum that as your time with the kids is so limited, and that MIL is not providing a traditional Christmas Dinner, which you have only just been made aware of, you have decided to spend the time available with your children at home, will cook them the traditional roast, and then will go round for a nice relaxed visit once the kids have gone to their Dad's. If they don't like it, tough! Christmas is about the children.

ChateauDuMont · 22/12/2023 08:58

It wouldn't let me post the photo previously and the link I posted doesn't work.

This is what the op has to look forward to for her MIL's Christmas dinner.

Pasta, salad and cold meat.

Perhaps she'll be given a party blower as well.

Assssssssssss · 22/12/2023 09:19

Life is so short, just enjoy the day, you have your kids with you roof over your head at the end of the day it's all that matters. Christmas is special however you decide to make it. OK dinner not how you want it but you can still make great memories with your children just by being there for them and happy.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 22/12/2023 09:25

Yep, I’d be eating at home and popping round AFTER my kids have been collected. The days is for them isn’t it, not for grown ups.

Mother in laws do not rule the roost ( despite them thinking the should)

your DH needs to man up.

go and buy yourself a Turkey crown or the like and have a lovely lovely lunch at home

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2023 09:27

Oh sod that. She’s being ridiculous, DH is being outrageous. He’s not stuck in the middle. He’s happy for you and your kids to have a shit day because he’d rather pander to his mum. That’s a him problem and not yours to resolve.

Stay at home. Make a proper Christmas dinner. Enjoy your children!

If your husband carries on being such a brat I wouldn’t go after your kids have gone either. Eat well at home then crash in your pjs and enjoy a rest.

DilemmaDelilah · 22/12/2023 09:29

I don't think you can do anything about it this year, and I understand why you might be upset.
I suggest you have a 'New Year' Christmas feast when your children are home from their dad's - and if the situation is likely to arise next year, then get in early and suggest to your MIL that you will do all the Christmas cooking at her house so that she doesn't have to do anything at all. The only issue there would be who would pay for all of it - I don't think you could ask her to buy it all if you are cooking it, but maybe you could ask her to get some of the things that can be bought in advance, like desserts etc. My daughter invited us to her house last Christmas which was great! but at the last minute she was unable to host at her house due to unfinished building work, so she came and did everything at our house instead.

Thisreallyisntmyproblem · 22/12/2023 09:33

Misses the point, but how were you ever going to have Christmas dinner AND snuggle with the kids watching a film before 3pm?
And they are then away for a week, EVERY year? This does not seem like a fair arrangement to either you or ex. Can't you split it so you both get time over the holiday period?
I would be addressing that for the future. But for this year, I would not be going to MIL either.

YourNameGoesHere · 22/12/2023 09:34

I would absolutely not go and feel zero guilt about it. She's moved the goal posts and it's not like she will be alone if you don't go. Stay home and have Christmas dinner at your house with the kids, don't just put up and shut up that's what everyone is expecting you to do.

ConflictedCheetah · 22/12/2023 09:36

I think the crucial thing here is that your kids will be going to their dad's that afternoon and then you won't see them for a few days. If you had your kids for the whole Christmas break then I'd go to MIL and suck it up and do all the trimmings on boxing day but you don't have that option.

So stay at home a d have Christmas with your kids and go to MIL later.

Almondmum · 22/12/2023 09:41

I think at this late stage I'd suck it up this year but make it clear that you won't be going to MIL for Christmas lunch in the future. She's made it obvious it's too much for her anyway hasn't she?!

You may find by going this year, your dh will also find the pasta and salad situation shit and be glad not to do it again.

caramac04 · 22/12/2023 09:42

There is no way I’d be going round for pasta and salad on Christmas Day. Not a snowballs chance in hell.
Bugger what DH says, you and DC will have a much, much better day at home and that’s what’s important.

Muchof · 22/12/2023 09:42

I think it would be pretty rude to pull out of Christmas plans on the 22nd December, I guess at a push you could say we want to have a proper Christmas lunch at home first.

I am more thinking of your overall arrangements though, do you alternate between going to the ILs on Christmas Day versus doing whatever your first choice is? Also the arrangement with your ex feels very unbalanced.

CactusPat · 22/12/2023 09:42

Could MIL just do ‘dinner’ <shudder> at 3:30? Is she upset about the kids not going or is the issue just the dinner?

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