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AIBU?

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Original poster

Christmas dinner dilemma

129 replies

notallmenbutalwaysaman · 21/12/2023 23:41

Background info: I get along fine with my MIL/FIL. They've pissed me off before and I'm not the DIL they wanted but we are friendly enough and make an effort with each other. I have two children- 13 and 10- with an ex but they have been in my DH's life for 6 years now. Ex is very much involved.

I have agreed to go to MIL's for Christmas dinner. Our place is too small to host and, although my preference would be to cook our own dinner and have a small celebration then visit after dinner (they are only down the road), DH thinks it's important to go to his mum's and says she would be offended if we didn't so that was the plan. I don't love going because 1) food is never how you'd do it yourself, is it? 2) I feel a little uncomfortable as MIL also invites loads of her family who I see maybe twice a year and although they're lovely I'm a bit socially awkward and just don't find it relaxing; 3) We end up sitting around for ages at theirs afterwards instead of me and the kids being snuggled up at home with a film or playing with their toy. The latter point is important because the kids go to their dad's at 3pm Christmas day every year and stay until the 31st (I get Christmas Eve and Christmas morning as a compromise- we can't change these arrangements so late in the day as ex has planned around them and it wouldn't be fair) so my time with them over the Christmas period is limitted and it doesn't feel quite the same in early January. I would love to host but our house is barely big enough for us, let alone extra guests.

The issue, however, is that DH has just announced MIL is not cooking a Christmas dinner this year and is instead doing a pasta and salad selection with some cold meats etc. This is because she finds the pressure to cook too much for so many people (whom she has invited). I have offered to bring dishes but this has been refused. Everyone always helps clear up afterwards so this isn't the issue, and we always offer to help beforehand but are generally turned down. Anyway, I may be being a bit of a brat but I don't want this for my Christmas dinner. I just don't. My time with my children is limited and I want to enjoy a proper Christmas dinner with them, as we always have (until last year I always cooked myself) before I don't see them for a week. I work full time in a highly stressful job so we don't have a huge amount of family time so I make a big deal of Christmas- it's the one time I feel genuinely relaxed and like there aren't a million work deadlines to worry about. I have said to DH I will stay home and cook and we can go round after dinner but he says I'm causing trouble and to suck it up for one meal. But I just don't want to!

We could have Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve but it doesn't feel the same, plus we've booked to go to one of those stately home Christmas shows so it'll be a busy day as it is, plus all the usual Christmas Eve excitement.

AIBU to want to stay home and visit afterwards?

OP posts:
JamieKnows · 22/12/2023 09:42

Well your ex is taking the total piss out of you but that's another thread.

You can't invite a shit load of people to your house for Christmas and give them pasta salad 🤣. Nope, really sorry mil but we've been looking forward to our Christmas dinner for ages, see you at 3pm.

JamieKnows · 22/12/2023 09:43

"I think it would be pretty rude to pull out of Christmas plans on the 22nd December"

It's pretty rude to let people think they're getting Christmas dinner and then announce that you're not cooking after all (but you still expect them to attend) on the 22nd December.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 22/12/2023 09:44

Make your own Christmas dinner then go to mil. Dh isn't stuck in the middle. He only has 1 dw... Dh is welcome to go eat cold pasta with a load of virtual strangers or eat with his actual family.

FloweryName · 22/12/2023 09:45

You have your children for such a short amount of time, they have to be your focus. Do whatever will be most enjoyable for them. I can almost guarantee that their ideal Christmas will not involve pasta with a load of their step fathers family who they barely know.

raspberrybeeret · 22/12/2023 09:45

It's too late to change plans this year in a way that wouldn't be very rude (and the pasta is a red herring - who cares?) but next year say we're having Xmas at home: maybe alternate years is a compromise?

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 22/12/2023 09:48

Rude is inviting guests on Christmas day and serving cold pasta.. It isn't too late to tell mil to boil less pasta. And shops still have proper lunch ingredients in for op to buy!

YourNameGoesHere · 22/12/2023 09:48

I really don't understand how some posters think it would be rude if the OP didn't go because it's a last minute change but the change of menu isn't rude?

They're doing pasta and salad it's not like they've got extra food in, changing plans and not attending won't put them out in any way.

LakeTiticaca · 22/12/2023 09:48

Cold meat and pasta for Xmas Dinner? Is she taking the piss?
Get her told ,you will be having turkey with all the trimmings at home and may call round later if you can actually move 😉
seriously though, what the hell is wrong with some folk? 👺

mumsytoon · 22/12/2023 09:49

So these aren't even their GP that you are forcing your children into this nonsense??
Fgs op, put your children first not your dh who you want to please. Spend time with your kids who you won't see for a week!! No one has to tell you this. Poor kids having to just accept this because you want to please people not even related to them!

10HailMarys · 22/12/2023 09:49

If the PILs were going to be on their own, then I could see why it would be important to your DH to go there, but they’re not. They’ve invited a load of other people, by choice. Stay at home and have a proper Christmas dinner. It’s once a year and I wouldn’t want a bloody pasta salad either.

Original poster
notallmenbutalwaysaman · 22/12/2023 09:50

Thisreallyisntmyproblem · 22/12/2023 09:33

Misses the point, but how were you ever going to have Christmas dinner AND snuggle with the kids watching a film before 3pm?
And they are then away for a week, EVERY year? This does not seem like a fair arrangement to either you or ex. Can't you split it so you both get time over the holiday period?
I would be addressing that for the future. But for this year, I would not be going to MIL either.

We can't- that's my point about going in general but I compromise and do go even though I'd rather not.

Usually I get the Christmas run up but because schools finish so late this year I feel like there's much less time. I don't want to give up Christmas Eve/Christmas morning so this is the arrangement that (usually) works for us. I then get the first week in January before school starts.

OP posts:
SecondUsername4me · 22/12/2023 09:51

I'd never forgive my dh if he tried to guilt me out of spending precious hours with my children on Christmas day before I didn't see them for a week.

No way.

He can deal with whatever grief his mother decides to chuck out at this, and he can choose where he wants to spend his day.

But I'd be soaking up all the festive time with them I could til 3pm and no one would force me to do otherwise.

Original poster
notallmenbutalwaysaman · 22/12/2023 09:52

Muchof · 22/12/2023 09:42

I think it would be pretty rude to pull out of Christmas plans on the 22nd December, I guess at a push you could say we want to have a proper Christmas lunch at home first.

I am more thinking of your overall arrangements though, do you alternate between going to the ILs on Christmas Day versus doing whatever your first choice is? Also the arrangement with your ex feels very unbalanced.

No, we would alternate and go to my mum's but it's too far to get back for the kids to see their dad (they don't want to not see him Christmas Day- we have suggested they go Boxing Day) so we just go to MIL's every year now.

OP posts:
nononocontact · 22/12/2023 09:53

Let him go to his mother’s for pasta and salad (wtf) and you have a lovely time at home with your kids. Once they leave to go to their Dad’s you can join your DH at MIL’s (maybe after a couple of glasses of wine!)

Original poster
notallmenbutalwaysaman · 22/12/2023 09:53

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 22/12/2023 09:44

Make your own Christmas dinner then go to mil. Dh isn't stuck in the middle. He only has 1 dw... Dh is welcome to go eat cold pasta with a load of virtual strangers or eat with his actual family.

To be fair they are his family- aunts/uncles etc. Just not people I know very well and certainly not people my kids know.

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 22/12/2023 09:53

I wouldn’t go for the food reason alone, who has pasta on Christmas Day? Dh’s family used to have a Chinese meal (pre ordered takeaway) on Christmas Day! That was the last Christmas Day we spent with them.

If you only have your children until 3pm on Christmas Day can you not all have a Christmas lunch at your home and then you and dh go to the in-laws once children have gone to their dads?

seagull82 · 22/12/2023 09:54

YANBU Either have an early Christmas dinner at home before you go or don't go at all. Your husband is being a dick,

Thementalloadisreal · 22/12/2023 09:54

No way. You already didn’t want to go. The pasta situation is the icing on the cake. Absolutely not.

Surely the pasta revelation is a good way to reframe it as “it sounds like MIL is struggling with the pressure of feeding all the guests, we’ll make it easier for her by eating at home before we visit ”

have a roast with your kids, OP. Christmas is only one day. You can eat cold pasta with your in laws any day.

Scarletttulips · 22/12/2023 09:56

Well the simple solution is you and children stay home and have Christmas dinner - DH goes for the pasta alone and you join him ‘when’ you’ve finished the washing up …. And watched Die Hard ….

Sirian · 22/12/2023 09:57

Why should the kids give up their Christmas dinner in order to spend time with people who aren’t even their grandparents? It would be a no from me. Tell them you want a dinner and will be cooking at home, you’ll pop over after 3pm.

As an aside, what sort of terrible host invites guests for Christmas then doesn’t cook dinner? Announcing it at the last minute is even worse. I wouldn’t feel guilty at all for cancelling!

FeathersFerns · 22/12/2023 10:07

DH thinks it's important to go to his mum's and says she would be offended if we didn't so that was the plan.

I find the offended/upset line being trotted out is so manipulative when used to get people to do something 100% their way and completely disregard everyone else's feelings/preferences and not have to compromise. Sounds like a mix of your MIL/DH. I guess your DH thinks it is normal behaviour?

Your suggestion of having Christmas dinner at home and then going to your MILs later is perfectly reasonable. It is lovely of your MIL to want to get everyone together at Christmas but realistically it is best left to the evening/boxing day.

DisforDarkChocolate · 22/12/2023 10:09

That sounds a crap Christmas Dinner.

Have the Christmas Eve dinner, if you prepare the day before it won't be too stressful.

DisforDarkChocolate · 22/12/2023 10:11

I've read more posts. This is the year to put you and your children first and visit his Mum after Christmas Dinner.

forrestgreen · 22/12/2023 10:12

I'd say yes it's just one meal, so she can suck it up. It's just the one Christmas dinner with your kids you get a year, you'll go round for just one buffet meal any of the other 364 days of the year.

However that one meal, on that one day-your children are coming first. You've chosen his mother for x years and now you're choosing your family.

And leave it up to him what he chooses to do, however if he chooses yours it's with good grace and no arguments (as it's just one day/meal etc)

raspberrybeeret · 22/12/2023 10:14

You've accepted an invitation and you should attend - very graceless to throw a sulk now ostensibly because it's buffet! By all means do something different next year but don't not go and blame the food..... when really this is just your get out clause and you didn't want to go anyway! The time to decline the invite was a few weeks back and you didn't.