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AIBU?

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Original poster

Christmas dinner dilemma

129 replies

notallmenbutalwaysaman · 21/12/2023 23:41

Background info: I get along fine with my MIL/FIL. They've pissed me off before and I'm not the DIL they wanted but we are friendly enough and make an effort with each other. I have two children- 13 and 10- with an ex but they have been in my DH's life for 6 years now. Ex is very much involved.

I have agreed to go to MIL's for Christmas dinner. Our place is too small to host and, although my preference would be to cook our own dinner and have a small celebration then visit after dinner (they are only down the road), DH thinks it's important to go to his mum's and says she would be offended if we didn't so that was the plan. I don't love going because 1) food is never how you'd do it yourself, is it? 2) I feel a little uncomfortable as MIL also invites loads of her family who I see maybe twice a year and although they're lovely I'm a bit socially awkward and just don't find it relaxing; 3) We end up sitting around for ages at theirs afterwards instead of me and the kids being snuggled up at home with a film or playing with their toy. The latter point is important because the kids go to their dad's at 3pm Christmas day every year and stay until the 31st (I get Christmas Eve and Christmas morning as a compromise- we can't change these arrangements so late in the day as ex has planned around them and it wouldn't be fair) so my time with them over the Christmas period is limitted and it doesn't feel quite the same in early January. I would love to host but our house is barely big enough for us, let alone extra guests.

The issue, however, is that DH has just announced MIL is not cooking a Christmas dinner this year and is instead doing a pasta and salad selection with some cold meats etc. This is because she finds the pressure to cook too much for so many people (whom she has invited). I have offered to bring dishes but this has been refused. Everyone always helps clear up afterwards so this isn't the issue, and we always offer to help beforehand but are generally turned down. Anyway, I may be being a bit of a brat but I don't want this for my Christmas dinner. I just don't. My time with my children is limited and I want to enjoy a proper Christmas dinner with them, as we always have (until last year I always cooked myself) before I don't see them for a week. I work full time in a highly stressful job so we don't have a huge amount of family time so I make a big deal of Christmas- it's the one time I feel genuinely relaxed and like there aren't a million work deadlines to worry about. I have said to DH I will stay home and cook and we can go round after dinner but he says I'm causing trouble and to suck it up for one meal. But I just don't want to!

We could have Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve but it doesn't feel the same, plus we've booked to go to one of those stately home Christmas shows so it'll be a busy day as it is, plus all the usual Christmas Eve excitement.

AIBU to want to stay home and visit afterwards?

OP posts:
LimeCheesecake · 22/12/2023 10:18

Yep, dinner at home, when the dcs got to their dads, you go round for Christmas evening.

YourNameGoesHere · 22/12/2023 10:22

raspberrybeeret · 22/12/2023 10:14

You've accepted an invitation and you should attend - very graceless to throw a sulk now ostensibly because it's buffet! By all means do something different next year but don't not go and blame the food..... when really this is just your get out clause and you didn't want to go anyway! The time to decline the invite was a few weeks back and you didn't.

Yes she accepted going for Christmas dinner why would she have declined the invite initially when it wasn't made clear that there would be no Christmas dinner...

EmilyTjP · 22/12/2023 10:23

JamieKnows · 22/12/2023 09:43

"I think it would be pretty rude to pull out of Christmas plans on the 22nd December"

It's pretty rude to let people think they're getting Christmas dinner and then announce that you're not cooking after all (but you still expect them to attend) on the 22nd December.

This.

Not a chance in hell I’d take my kids round there to eat pasta and salad with a bunch of strangers on Christmas Day.

Spirallingdownwards · 22/12/2023 10:23

raspberrybeeret · 22/12/2023 10:14

You've accepted an invitation and you should attend - very graceless to throw a sulk now ostensibly because it's buffet! By all means do something different next year but don't not go and blame the food..... when really this is just your get out clause and you didn't want to go anyway! The time to decline the invite was a few weeks back and you didn't.

She accepted an invitation to Christmas Dinner. This has been revised to a what's on the fridge left-overs boxing day evening style meal. Therefore of course she can now refuse as goalposts have been moved.

Whilst if this was just about OP and her DH I may suck it up. But she has quite young still kids. MIL shouldn't ruin Christmas and memories of Christmas for them.

Outforlunchallday · 22/12/2023 10:25

I wouldn’t go. I would tell your husband you are making a traditional. Christmas dinner on the day and it’s his choice whether to join you or go to his Mother’s.
No way would I be eating bloody pasta for my main meal on Christmas Day and I wouldn’t subject my kids to that either. When the kids go with their Dad I would then visit the in laws.

LimeCheesecake · 22/12/2023 10:25

I also think you need to rethink your family Christmas traditions - perhaps spent Boxing Day with your PIL next year- you could offer to host them as your dcs wil have gone to their dads so it would be easier to fit everyone in.

Getamoveon36 · 22/12/2023 10:38

ChateauDuMont · 22/12/2023 00:23

Your husband can go for the crappy dinner but you stay at home with your children until they go to their dads and then you can call round and have a couple of hours with his parents.

That's what I would do and if anyone took exception to that I would tell them where to go.

Absolutely this.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 22/12/2023 10:38

Not your family or your dc's.... Time to put your dc first op... Seriously they can call you whatever they want. Surely your dc count more?

JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 22/12/2023 10:40

There are times in life when one must grin and bear it and there are times in life when one must regrettably put one’s foot firmly down.

Such as when someone tries to serve you pasta salad for your christmas lunch.

Mirabai · 22/12/2023 10:41

First of all - how did your ex get all the weekends? And half Christmas Day - 31st?

Secondly, why is your DH expecting your kids to eat pasta on Christmas Day with people who are no relation?

Stick up for yourself and do what’s right for you and the kids.

TheAlchemistElixa · 22/12/2023 10:46

I don’t think many people are considering your husband here. And neither are you OP. I’d be REALLY pissed off with you MIL, like you are, so sympathies, but I’d try to consider my husband’s thoughts and feelings, too.

so I would have a lovely traditional dinner on Christmas Eve instead. Most of Northern Europe do this, and we do too sometimes when it’s Joe convenient for us, and the bonus is it takes a huge amount of pressure off Xmas day and means I can relax and eat leftovers and not lift a finger! You’ll have nice leftovers too after your crappy pasta and salad meal.

Just prep some bits like roasties tonight ans tomorrow and freeze, so Xmas Eve isn’t so jam packed. It’ll be fine. Really wonderful, even.

LoobyDop · 22/12/2023 10:46

If I were you I’d just move it forward in your head. Do a proper, lovely Christmas dinner at home on the 24th, and treat the day with your in-laws as boxing day. You could encourage your kids to go on about the lovely dinner you had yesterday and modestly say, well, it’s important to keep special traditions, isn’t it. Then refuse to go next year.

wasanneofcleves · 22/12/2023 10:48

I agree with the majority here- tell your DH to tell MIL that you're going to do a Christmas dinner for the kids at home because otherwise they won't get one and then go round after 3pm when the kids have gone to their dads. If PIL want to see your children suggest they pop round for a cup of tea on Xmas morning or on Xmas eve. I would not be compromising on this. Your MIL will get over it.

It's your DHs responsibility to I sort this out, he should be supporting you not mollifying his mother. He's not a child.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 22/12/2023 10:52

You and your kids stay at home and have Christmas dinner, your DH can go to his mums and you can join him after 3pm once the kids are gone.

Reallybadidea · 22/12/2023 10:52

Stick to your guns OP. It's your Christmas too, it's not just about him and his mum. Sounds like you've been more than reasonable for the past 6 years, time for things to change, regardless of crappy pasta salad buffet.

How would he feel if you'd been to your parents every year for 6 years?

NonSequentialRhubarb · 22/12/2023 10:57

Anyone saying OP needs to compromise is ignoring the fact she's already doing way more than just compromising!

She wants to spend time at home with the kids and eat Christmas Dinner at home. He wants to go to MIL’s. Where’s the compromise on Husband/MIL’s part every year?

OP does what Husband wants to keep the peace and figures as least she does get to have Christmas Dinner with her kids even if not in her preferred setting. And now MIL/husband wants to take away Christmas Dinner too?

Seriously, fuck off if you think OP should "compromise"

silverspoonspoon · 22/12/2023 10:57

pasta on christmas? grim. stay home
and have a nice time with good food and people you actually enjoy the company of

Fairylightfurore · 22/12/2023 11:02

Can you do a tea time Xmas dinner for you all and go for lunch but prewarn everyone not to eat lots. You can tell mil you have plans later in in the day ( your family/ friends) so can only stay u til X time? That way she's happy and you get your Christmas?

myrtleWilson · 22/12/2023 11:10

@Fairylightfurore the children won't be at home for the tea time Xmas dinner though will they?

OP - I'd stick to your guns and have Xmas dinner with the DC at your house...

SOxon · 22/12/2023 11:14

OP if your children are going to their father’s at 3pm, which cuts the afternoon in half anyway, there isn’t much time to have Christmas Dinner then snuggle down
to watch a movie, play with toys?
Pasta and salad on Christmas day? is your husband teasing you?
If he is indeed the go between then he could make a better job of it?

As Christmas Eve is Sunday perhaps you could have your rroast dinner well prepared so this is your family Christmas Dinner when you come home from your outing - (these are often disappointing unless its Chatsworth) then Monday a wonderful brunch, children play with their toys, before you are round at the MiL’s home for your lunch, then evening at home, you and OH will have plenty of cold meat, PiB, stuffing, apple sauce, pudding of choice, relaxed.
Think strategically.
Teach your children the art of diplomacy.
Show your husband your accommodating flexibility
Have brandy in the house

WhatNoRaisins · 22/12/2023 11:33

Sounds like a crap Christmas day for you and the kids eating pasta with people you don't know well. I'd maybe suck it up if you had your kids for the rest of the Christmas season but you don't and you need to make the most of the time you do have.

Allthingsdecember · 22/12/2023 11:37

Does your MIL and the rest of your DH’s family treat your children as their own? If there’s not a grandparent/grandchild relationship there, I wouldn’t be making my children spend Xmas day with her anyway.

Your children leave at 3pm. You could have lunch with them then go after (and your DH can choose where he’d rather eat).

ClottedCreamScone · 22/12/2023 11:42

YANBU. Your partner is an adult, his preferences don’t trump your children’s. Of course they don’t want to go to the house of a person they aren’t related to and eat pasta salad and hang around with strangers!

Tell him that from now on you put your kids and their precious childhood christmasses first, and stay at home until they leave for their dad’s. He can go to his family if he wants but from now on, you’re arranging the day around your children not him.

Yogagrandmum · 22/12/2023 11:44

SOxon · 22/12/2023 11:14

OP if your children are going to their father’s at 3pm, which cuts the afternoon in half anyway, there isn’t much time to have Christmas Dinner then snuggle down
to watch a movie, play with toys?
Pasta and salad on Christmas day? is your husband teasing you?
If he is indeed the go between then he could make a better job of it?

As Christmas Eve is Sunday perhaps you could have your rroast dinner well prepared so this is your family Christmas Dinner when you come home from your outing - (these are often disappointing unless its Chatsworth) then Monday a wonderful brunch, children play with their toys, before you are round at the MiL’s home for your lunch, then evening at home, you and OH will have plenty of cold meat, PiB, stuffing, apple sauce, pudding of choice, relaxed.
Think strategically.
Teach your children the art of diplomacy.
Show your husband your accommodating flexibility
Have brandy in the house

This sounds perfect. I'd be really miffed if I was going somewhere for xmas lunch and was given pasta. As much as I like pasta...

SOxon · 22/12/2023 11:45

OP my pragmatic OH on reading this thread said, this is not a case of you
needing to compromise, rather that you have been ‘compromised’ which
I thought was a logical viewpoint and wanted to pass this on.

He also reminded me, after enjoying 5 Christmas days in our home,
my sister invited us for Christmas Day : we gladly accepted, then,
just before Christmas she phoned to say she was planning a Boxing Day
style lunch as it was ‘easier’ - baked potatoes, cold meat and salads.
We hastily withdrew, what a pointless excursion that would be.