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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that kids naturally prefer their mother and it is not related to the parenting style

78 replies

karpouzi · 21/12/2023 12:52

So I have this constant disagreement with my DH that children naturally prefer their mum and it has nothing to do with the parenting style.

A bit of background:
I have two DC (DC 3yo and DC 1yo) and with my DH we always split everything 50-50. I was never the type of mum that I wanted to breastfeed as I wanted the kids to sleep in longer stretches and I wanted my DH to do nightshifts too. We also split maternity/paternity leave to have each of us 6 months. So I would say we have pretty much spent equal time with each child and we are both very hands-on in every aspect of their lives. In terms of parenting style, I have to admit that my DH is a bit more the one that disciplines them and I am a bit "weaker" and more easily give in.

Now to the point, for the past 6 months, I have been on a part of my mat leave and I have to say lately I am very frustrated and my patience is very limited as I hardly spent an hour without any of the kids. I have done the odd dinner/drink with friends but still, I feel I am always with one if not both of the kids. And when I am with them they are glue to me, either mentioning mummy mummy every other word (the older one) or crawling towards me (the younger one)

My DH claims that I am not very good at disciplining them that's why I cannot ever leave them alone in the playroom to play and get a break. When my DH is alone with the kids, he can always leave the oldest one to play alone for like 30 min and maybe 10 min the younger one. But with me, it never works.

AIBU to think that the kids are glue to me cause I am the mum and they are naturally bonded to me rather than not good to discipline them?

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 21/12/2023 12:55

When you say leave them alone, surely he's not leaving a 3 year old in a room by themself for 30 minutes, or the 1 year old for 10 minutes?!

Dotjones · 21/12/2023 12:57

I disagree, my experience was the opposite. Maybe there's more natural instinct for the relationship with the mother to be stronger, but parenting can change that.

Mrsjayy · 21/12/2023 12:57

your husband doesn't want you to leave the kids alone because he thinksthey are naughty and it'syour fault? this is nothing to do with a natural bond imo more to do with parenting styles but I do think your husband is being condescending and you might be feeding into that a little bit.

Flamango · 21/12/2023 12:58

I agree with your premise. I believe most infants will naturally prefer the primary caregiver who is female, if they are cared for
by a man and a woman. I’m much more disciplinarian than DH, and my kids prefer me in terms of being near one of us, physical touching etc.

Mrsjayy · 21/12/2023 12:59

where does he leave the baby ?

mynameiscalypso · 21/12/2023 12:59

It's just different parenting styles. I'm the soft touch in our relationship and DS knows that I'll pretty much let him do anything (so long as it's not dangerous or liable to break something). My DH is a bit firmer. It doesn't mean the bond is any stronger with either of us, just that DS repsonds in different ways to each of us.

bakewellbride · 21/12/2023 13:00

I disagree - your own individual experience is your own but you can't use that to generalise / 'kids prefer their mums' etc.

My 2 (5 and nearly 2) are obsessed with their dad! They adore him, they're out with bum right now and happily waved goodbye to me and off they went. Every family is different.

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/12/2023 13:01

My 1 year old has a slight preference for DH so it isn't true for all children.

It's really hard to say, I think it's probably down to several things including child's personality and I imagine will chop and change too.

bakewellbride · 21/12/2023 13:02

Him that should've said!

Original poster
karpouzi · 21/12/2023 13:04

Yeah, each of them have their playroom which baby proof/safe for their age. So he might go occasionally to the kitchen to do a coffee or something and let them keep playing. For me hardly works

OP posts:
MySecret21 · 21/12/2023 13:04

I agree OP.

My DH is massively hands on with our two boys, in some ways even more than I am, but 100% they would choose me over him for anything.

Original poster
karpouzi · 21/12/2023 13:05

No. He is able to leave them alone for a bit but I am not cause they come after me 😂

OP posts:
Benibidibici · 21/12/2023 13:05

I think a lot of fathers are less emotionally driven in their responses and more able to basically ignore if their own children cry. Eg will refuse to play actively with a 3 year old, not really respond if 3 year old cries or whinges about it and not feel bad. 3 year old therefore learns to play more independently for Dad.

I think most women are more nurturing. Ive noticed my DH is more prone to assuming the kids are crying for attention than to have that innate sense of when they've really hurt themselves and just need you to scoop them up and hug them.

Excluding adopted children, a baby grows inside its mother for months, its a very primal, physical bond and connection, & i agree with you that the majority of young children seek out their mother as their primary source of comfort & nurture.

Original poster
karpouzi · 21/12/2023 13:08

In his own playroom. There is no concern of safety. Everything is set up and baby proofed for his age.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 21/12/2023 13:13

karpouzi · 21/12/2023 13:05

No. He is able to leave them alone for a bit but I am not cause they come after me 😂

he maybe gives off a different energy or has a different attachment I do think by 3 you can leave the room without muxh upset.

Mrsjayy · 21/12/2023 13:20

Well he does have a different attachment Is what I meant.

MissyB1 · 21/12/2023 13:26

No that’s just a massive generalisation. My ds loves us both but I suspect if it was a choice he would choose Dh first! Even though I am and have always been the primary care giver. He just adores Dh!

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 21/12/2023 13:30

I think when a child is unhappy in some way the natural thing they want for comfort is "mummy". That's a biological thing, mum is comfort because she's what they recognise over and above anyone or anything else. But I don't think they naturally prefer one parent to the other. My DD absolutely ADORES daddy. Picks and chooses between us depending on what she wants at that time, what game she's playing etc. Mostly for bedtime she gets who she's given (depends on what else we need to get done that evening) but some days she wants daddy others only mummy will do.

Having said that, I don't think it's necessarily discipline related to. There could be a reason they're less bothered about dad not being in the room. Maybe he does something (or doesn't do something) that means they aren't as attached. Or maybe they just are mums babies. They're all different.

rainyskylight · 21/12/2023 13:34

I actually think this is very unkind on your DH. It sounds like your children constantly bother you for attention because you will constantly give it, so you’ve set yourself up there.

My DH is fantastic at playing with our daughter but terrible at trying to get anything done other than the playing when he’s looking after her solo. Meanwhile, I’ll try and get some chores done when it’s just me and her at home. So, if Daddy is home she expects one-on-one play all the time, and if it’s mummy she might also entertain herself for a bit.

FunkyMonks · 21/12/2023 13:36

No from my own memories I much preferred my Dad when I was little loved spending time with my Dad, love my mum and we get on now as I'm older but use to argue and wind each other up when I was younger.
Just felt I had more in common with my dad.

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/12/2023 13:37

Children respond to individuals. It sounds like your DH is firmer: they know that he will leave them in the playroom when he needs to get something done and not give in to whinging, so they don’t push that boundary. They know that you will give in, so they push.

Beyond that, I suspect that are far too few couples where parenting is genuinely 50/50 for any real conclusion to be drawn about whether children prefer their mother simply because she’s their mother or whether they prefer their mother because 90% of the time the mother is the primary caregiver and the one they spend most time with.

FunkyMonks · 21/12/2023 13:37

Also to add my two love their Dad too bits as well and are always happy to be off doing stuff with him and equally they are happy to be with me so I would say ours are 50/50 when it comes to me and DH.

KT8282 · 21/12/2023 13:38

I suspect if you look at all cohabiting hetero parent units, mum will be preferred more often over dad, but it’s a huge generalisation to think it’s always/mostly the case. My DS definitely prefers DH, although on the rare occasions he has become properly discombobulated (eg we were away overnight) he’ll be temporarily clingy with me at the start when we come back. DH plays more rough with him (rolling around on floor, throwing in air etc) and slightly less likely to tell him no or scold him, so he’s more the ‘fun’ parent. Also as DS is only 22m and I just had a baby, I was pregnant 1/3 of his life and unwell a lot of that, so couldn’t play with him as much as I wanted to. Anyway, I think parent preference is quite complex based on child and parent personalities, as well as life circumstances.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2023 13:38

What’s your suggestion for why this would be even if it were the case? Do you think it’s the same for adopted babies and children? You posit a theory but no explanation.

Fwiw I’ve breastfed both my DC, still do the baby, and they’re extremely well bonded with their dad. The only thing he didn’t do was feed them until they were on solids. Feeding method is no reason for a father to be more or less close to his children.

BurbageBrook · 21/12/2023 13:41

You don't need to 'discipline' a 1yo, and it's normal that your very young children want your attention. It's good that you give them attention when they ask for it. It's normal to need to constantly supervise two toddlers. However I think it depends on the child and parent regarding whether a kid will gravitate to their mother or father more. Your DH is unreasonable to blame you for it!