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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that kids naturally prefer their mother and it is not related to the parenting style

78 replies

karpouzi · 21/12/2023 12:52

So I have this constant disagreement with my DH that children naturally prefer their mum and it has nothing to do with the parenting style.

A bit of background:
I have two DC (DC 3yo and DC 1yo) and with my DH we always split everything 50-50. I was never the type of mum that I wanted to breastfeed as I wanted the kids to sleep in longer stretches and I wanted my DH to do nightshifts too. We also split maternity/paternity leave to have each of us 6 months. So I would say we have pretty much spent equal time with each child and we are both very hands-on in every aspect of their lives. In terms of parenting style, I have to admit that my DH is a bit more the one that disciplines them and I am a bit "weaker" and more easily give in.

Now to the point, for the past 6 months, I have been on a part of my mat leave and I have to say lately I am very frustrated and my patience is very limited as I hardly spent an hour without any of the kids. I have done the odd dinner/drink with friends but still, I feel I am always with one if not both of the kids. And when I am with them they are glue to me, either mentioning mummy mummy every other word (the older one) or crawling towards me (the younger one)

My DH claims that I am not very good at disciplining them that's why I cannot ever leave them alone in the playroom to play and get a break. When my DH is alone with the kids, he can always leave the oldest one to play alone for like 30 min and maybe 10 min the younger one. But with me, it never works.

AIBU to think that the kids are glue to me cause I am the mum and they are naturally bonded to me rather than not good to discipline them?

OP posts:
BurbageBrook · 21/12/2023 13:42

Like a PP I breastfeed my baby and she's very comforted by her dad as long as she's not hungry. Doesn't affect their bond at all.

Aria2023 · 21/12/2023 13:43

I'd say I'm firmer with my dc than my dh and they both still have a preference for me. However, I do spend more time with them. Most kids I know have a preference for mum, especially for bedtimes and if they're upset.

Torganer · 21/12/2023 13:45

We do equal parenting and our child will shout for daddy if they wake up at night.

StoodySmithereens · 21/12/2023 13:45

Of course, you carried them around for 9 months & gave birth to them.

toomanyleggings · 21/12/2023 13:51

It’s mostly the case. Dh really struggles with this. He’s a very good father and did most of the child rearing while his ex looked after career. Now older they seem to have more loyalty towards their mother thank him for events like Christmas etc. With our child together, she loves him to pieces but prefers me if she’s ill or tired at bedtime. However, she’s with me 90 percent of the time while dh works so I should bloody hope so.
I think the mother child bond has the potential to be incredibly deep, deeper than the father child bond but not everyone cultivates and nurtures that bond.

honeylulu · 21/12/2023 14:07

This is interesting. Mine preferred me as babies/small toddlers though their dad was definitely their second favourite human! I wasn't surprised by this as I did more of the hands on care even though we both worked. (H did more cooking, laundry etc)

Then as preschoolers/ infant school age they both massively preferred their Dad. He's definitely softer and prone to spoiling them though sometimes (grrr) is to make his own life easier - leave them parked in front of the TV, buy sweets in the shop to keep them quiet for a bit. Not as bad as some but definitely a Disney Dad streak!

But from junior school age they seemed to return to me. I think my boundaries and consistency help them feel secure. I'm the one they want first when they're upset or in trouble or have achievedsomethingthey are excited about. Eldest is now at uni and messages me often and his dad rarely. They love each other but it's more distant.

Overall I'd say its the more "constant" parent they are closer to. That won't always be the mother but it often is.

Humbugg · 21/12/2023 15:23

Of course a 1 year old wants to be with you. I would only expect independent playing from 3 yo.

our kids prefer DH for fun and me for comfort

ACynicalDad · 21/12/2023 15:26

It changes with age, this is a big generalisation and whilst it might fit very young children I don’t think it holds later on.

Daisies12 · 21/12/2023 15:27

By why does it matter? If you don’t like it, change it. Plan more meals out or whatever, and leave them safely in a room to play. No point arguing over which one it is.

MySecret21 · 21/12/2023 15:40

Humbugg · 21/12/2023 15:23

Of course a 1 year old wants to be with you. I would only expect independent playing from 3 yo.

our kids prefer DH for fun and me for comfort

Ditto.

My children are always saying that the reason they love daddy so much is because of how much fun he is, and that the reason they love me is because of how much I love them and because I look after them 😂

Cas112 · 21/12/2023 15:58

Well my son likes his father well more than me 😂🙃

IvyIvyIvy · 21/12/2023 16:01

I agree with you op. We did similar and have similar results.

AlltheFs · 21/12/2023 16:03

I BF for 26 months but these days DD is equally happy with either of us and I think has a slight preference for Daddy, if anything.

I was very unwell recently and didn’t see her for several days, she didn’t really notice and was entirely happy to leave me in my room and be with daddy.

SallyWD · 21/12/2023 16:07

I really think it varies. Obviously babies are often more attached to their mums because of feeding and spending more time together but beyond that I think it really depends on the children and the parents.
One of my first memories is being 4 or 5 and telling my mum I loved her but loved my dad more. I was a real daddy's girl as a child.
I know plenty of other families where the children seem to favour the dad. In one case if ever the children are scared, have a nightmare, fall over etc they run to the dad for comfort, not the mum.
In our family I think our children gravitate towards me (despite really loving DH). I think this is partly because they've spent a lot more time with me and partly because I'm more silly/fun than DH!

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 21/12/2023 16:11

I think there’s a slight natural instinct but also very early experiences coupled with the societal predisposition for the mother to spend more time with the child (more time off work etc). Things like whether you breastfeed also probably feed into it. Baby animals will be joined at the hip with their mothers but there are cases of fostered animals and animals of completely different species bonding with their “parents”.

stayathomer · 21/12/2023 16:11

Please get this discussion sorted before the children are older and realise what you’re arguing about!! Your children love you both!!!!

BoredofBlonde · 21/12/2023 16:16

I have thought this recently with shows like Long Lost Family/ DNA .

Often the dad appears to be an afterthought- it is always the mums that people want to trace out of the 2 bio parents. There IS a special bond

MrsJellybee · 21/12/2023 16:18

Dying soldiers on a battlefield do not call for their fathers.

brickastley · 21/12/2023 16:26

One of mine massively favoured DH over me until they were about 10

Moonshine5 · 21/12/2023 16:28

No

Mumof2NDers · 21/12/2023 16:33

Mine are older now(16 and 23)
I do think it’s down to different parenting styles. Both of mine are ND and have had MH issues. They always come to me when they need support. DH is useless and tries to joke them out of their problems. He never just listens. He never sympathises or offers advice. He’s the same with me, he doesn’t know how to handle it or help so he just tries to be funny! Infuriating!!

housethatbuiltme · 21/12/2023 16:53

Nope irritatingly all 3 of mine a daddies boys/girls.

Likely because mothers are usually the safety net. I'm here 24/7 but daddy is the magic one thats gone at work most the day etc... so when he is there it's 'special' time.

housethatbuiltme · 21/12/2023 16:54

MrsJellybee · 21/12/2023 16:18

Dying soldiers on a battlefield do not call for their fathers.

One with abusive or narcissistic mothers but loving fathers do.

Sjh15 · 26/12/2023 18:16

My DS seems to prefer his dad but if he ever hurts himself it’s me he comes to immediately. Hes with me more than DP
as DP works so I think DP comes across as the ‘fun’ parent

HarlanPepper · 26/12/2023 18:21

My eldest preferred my husband over me for a good couple of years. My youngest was the opposite. But it's complex, different personalities (theirs and ours) different parenting styles (mine - much more anxious with my first). Also my eldest was bottle fed and I'm sure that was a factor too.

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