To think that kids naturally prefer their mother and it is not related to the parenting style

[karpouzi]

So I have this constant disagreement with my DH that children naturally prefer their mum and it has nothing to do with the parenting style.

A bit of background:
I have two DC (DC 3yo and DC 1yo) and with my DH we always split everything 50-50. I was never the type of mum that I wanted to breastfeed as I wanted the kids to sleep in longer stretches and I wanted my DH to do nightshifts too. We also split maternity/paternity leave to have each of us 6 months. So I would say we have pretty much spent equal time with each child and we are both very hands-on in every aspect of their lives. In terms of parenting style, I have to admit that my DH is a bit more the one that disciplines them and I am a bit "weaker" and more easily give in.

Now to the point, for the past 6 months, I have been on a part of my mat leave and I have to say lately I am very frustrated and my patience is very limited as I hardly spent an hour without any of the kids. I have done the odd dinner/drink with friends but still, I feel I am always with one if not both of the kids. And when I am with them they are glue to me, either mentioning mummy mummy every other word (the older one) or crawling towards me (the younger one)

My DH claims that I am not very good at disciplining them that's why I cannot ever leave them alone in the playroom to play and get a break. When my DH is alone with the kids, he can always leave the oldest one to play alone for like 30 min and maybe 10 min the younger one. But with me, it never works.

AIBU to think that the kids are glue to me cause I am the mum and they are naturally bonded to me rather than not good to discipline them?

I don't think this is a question of discipline, but they know how to get attention from each of you and what works. They know if they follow you around and mither you, you will come and play with them whereas DH probably doesn't and that's why they don't mind so much when he leaves the room.

I don't think it's a bad thing but if it bothers you, you could draw a stronger boundary or work on their independent play. It can be pretty exhausting if you are trying to fulfil their every desire and be the entertainment constantly.

Since day 1 my son has always felt calm and comforted with his face against my neck and playing my hair. He's 6 now and still does it.

Why have the got their own playrooms? Surely that's a nidgtmare

@BertieBotts

This really - different attachment styles to each parent elicit different behaviours with them. I suspect your DH is generally less emotionally available and so they have learnt to be more self contained, get on with play , make less demands.. it’s not necessarily a bad thing just how responsive they see you both - you properly respond to them more generally and show an interest in play, interact differently on your own with them x

Up to the age of about 5 our DS was very much a Mummy's boy, since then he prefers his Daddy as he does more things he likes with him like football and gaming! He's also stricter and takes no nonsense so maybe a bit more fear and respect? X

I agree that young children will always seek comfort/safety first in the mother or mother figure. My friend who is in a same sex relationship, where they each conceived and carried one of their children, said the same to me. They are each the primary mother figure to the child they carried, where the other mum is in more of a "dad" role. There was no rancour or upset when she said it, just a natural observation.

This is interesting!

I agree with the OP. I also get more upset when my baby cries that my DH - and am more possessive of her/see her as "mine" despite the fact we do all childcare 50/50, even newborn feeds and night shifts as I didn't breastfeed.

When we had pets before children my DH was way, way more caring to them than me - so I wasn't expecting to be so much more caring than him with my DD. I think it must be biological

Why would anyone think it's ok to leave a 3 yr old and 1 yr old unsupervised for 10 minutes, never mind 30? This is why you see videos of trashed rooms online, kids of that age need supervision, and you get a break when there's another adult in the house to watch them, or when they are asleep. I hate to break this to you but parenting is a 24 hrs a day, 365 days a year job, and not a part-time hobby. Also, long stretches of sleep are not normal, natural or safe for babies, long deep sleep (especially in a separate room) increase the risk of SIDS, all sleeps should be in the same room as care givers and it's biologically normal and actually protective for babies to wake every few hours and need help to settle back to sleep.

My kids definitely preferred me at these ages, but I breastfed and co-slept with them and thier dad did very little. (He's now my ex because he is a useless father)

I think it's different in every family, I preferred my dad and my grandad to my mum and gran,but my siblings preferred my mum and gran I've our dad and grandad My kids preferred me to their dad and their grandad to their nanna.

I always preferred my dad to my mum. Whereas my younger sibling always preferred my mother.

Anecdotally, every single child I know prefers their mum. Including my own.

Doesn’t mean they don’t like their dads, it means they have a slight preference towards their mum, especially in the early years.

The bond with mum starts in the womb, it’s ridiculous to say mothers don’t have a stronger bond - in general. The kids are grown inside of their mum, they share cells, blood, scent…

Of course there will many women who dont and many children who prefer their dads but generally speaking, seems daft to think otherwise

My kids have their moments of ‘mummy! And mummy only’ and ‘daddy! And daddy only.’
but when they’re playing with one care giver? Daddy can spend the time looking at his phone and they’re happily playing by themselves. I’m there? Let’s crowd mummy’s personal space and not let her have a drink without knocking it all over her, with a headbutt to boot. I’m not an earth mother. This is a thing, regardless

I’m mostly baffled by the leaving a 3 yr old and 1 year old alone for 30/10 mins!

Your dc are still very young and I think it changes over time. Some of it is personalities and some of it is how time is spent with dc.

So mine is 3.5- DH is the stay at home parent
I am the one who is preferred and never left alone when I am here even though she is with Daddy all day- I work 45hours a week...

People with poor relationships with their mothers may still call out for them. It's a kind of mother figure they're calling for, not necessarily their actual mothers.

Not necessarily. I always favoured my dad and grandad and that continued into adulthood.

No, I don’t think they do. In many cases their mother is the primary caregiver and so they are more closely bonded, but where that isn’t the case I don’t think there is some kind of biological preference for the mother.

I expect what you view as biological is actually the way your children are subconsciously socialised - behaviour you aren’t necessarily even aware of which reinforces the idea that you’re the primary parent.

Nah DD definitely prefers DH and hassles him more.

I agree.

I'm not the default parent so naturally, DS doesn't automatically prefer me over DH. I see it as a good thing.

Very true. Seems biological

It changes. My sons definitely preferred me up until they were about 6, and then seemed to want to be with my husband whenever they could!

Gah, my 3 yo DD DEFINITELY prefers DH to me, always wants him when he's around, wants him to read the story, do the thing, doesn't want to be left with boring Mummy... So I'm failing on the whole biological front 🤔 I'm on mat leave and around all the time and also a bit less patient, that probably contributes