YABU. Financially, single women are the most vulnerable. There is no reason to expect that you must be in a more difficult financial position than your solo friends because you have children. Naturally, some single women and men are wealthy, some couples are in extreme poverty. But as you are all earning similar wages, and it sounds like not in poverty - yes your dual income status puts you at a huge advantage over a single income.
Now, you may choose to spend very large amounts of money on your kids, even to the point of financial harm. But often there’s options to reduce spending if needed.
A few things to think about
- solo people have no backup. If they lose their income they have nothing. A couple both with the ability to work can more easily get one into basic employment and had openings for both to take on basic jobs (supermarket, fast food etc) to keep their head above water. A solo person instantly had half the income potential (once children are in school rather than private care - both parents working is an option without high fees).
- solo people are at the bottom of the list for govt support eg housing (people with kids are much higher) - when this go wrong there’s limited charity or welfare directed towards single childless people (unless they are old enough)
- many expenses come with couple and family discounts. This can be everything from health care, insurances and govt fees and taxes through to luxuries like holidays, entrance fees etc
- As households increase in size the per person cost decreases (until you pass a threshold) there are many things where multiple users have a negligible increase in cost or a comparatively much smaller one. Eg a family car. A family can access 1 car for almost the same cost as 1 person. It might not be convenient to share a car between a couple, but it is possible. Another example: fresh food. Many items cost substantially more if buying in small quantities. You pay almost as much rent to house a single person with the same luxuries as a family (having a kitchen, laundry, lounge room etc). If you doubled my rent you have a massive increase in luxury that goes beyond extra space for a couple kids (this is no longer true if you have 10 kids, but for a small number of kids it is still true)
- solo people often have to pay for things society supports for couples / things couples can do for cheaper. Eg couples often can access paid leave not available to a solo person for care. A solo person may need to hire a carer while a couple person can use paid carers leave to receive the same care. Even things as simple as being able to be dropped off or picked up rather than needing to pay for Ubers. Even things as simple as getting something upstairs can require hiring a worker rather than doing it together.
- Retirement planning often needs to start young. People with children are more likely to have someone to help them in their retirement - be that providing care or financially. Solo people need to plan to have to purchase that assistance, won’t have 2 pensions, and won’t have any discounts from being a couple. Simple things like picking up the shopping or changing a light bulb can get expensive. Until very recently, it was illegal for you to live as an older person in a granny flat if you didn’t have an approved relationship with the owners - kids were approved relationships (friends definitely were not)
- it is harder to get a mortgage as single income than doubled (each adult on same decent income) with a small number of children - which limits property investment, pathways into secure housing etc (where I live rentals are not long term, and even with a lease you can loose the place no fault of the owner wants it back for themselves).
- even small savings while young can hand huge impacts on long term financial position. If my household savings had been able to go up even 10% above what I managed solo I’d have been in the property market years earlier - my mortgage would likely be half (for both of us) we’d be paying down faster. When I compare myself to those around me (couples) with kids - I’m not even close to catching up to those on comparable incomes to me.
this list isn’t even exhaustive. The data I’ve seen suggests it costs about 1.5x what it does for a solo rather than small family day to day. When kids are pre-school aged couples with kids can struggle more - but over the long term they are in markedly stronger financial positions (just don’t get divorced!). Getting ahead while working has a huge impact on financial security in retirement. Even if 100% of the second went to essentials for the whole family (so no additional savings, no additional investment in a mortgage etc) you would still have the compulsory retirement savings of a second person - so double the forced savings for your retirement, so conservatively 25% more each than your single mate (and that’s with no help from your kids for anything)
Now that doesn’t mean kids aren’t expensive. It also doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be able to complain about the cost of kids.
But you do need to understand that financially it can be very risky if you are solo. And it’s also ok for your friends to feel frustrated that there’s a lot of costs to being solo that aren’t often thought of. Too many people think solo=rich. Political narrative is often around helping families, lowering costs for families. It can be frustrating when people don’t even acknowledge that being solo has a financial cost that can really impact quality of life.
I’m using solo to mean not coupled not with children as opposed to single, where there can also be children. The above is also assuming all the adults have approximately equal income, and there’s no major costs hitting one group not the other (a complex disability in either group is just not an equal comparison any more)