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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To look nice for husband?

114 replies

macaronsandtea · 20/12/2023 12:03

I am a full time mummy to a toddler and a newborn, my husband works full time and I take care of the home, I mostly lounge around the house in sportswear or pyjamas unless I'm going somewhere but just before my husband gets home I like to get dressed and do my hair and sometimes makeup, we are from the travelling community and have been raised to have very male/female roles in the home, my husband doesn't mind what I look like when he gets home as long as we are all healthy and happy, does anyone else just feel better and more confident if they look nice for their husband?

OP posts:
Wooloohooloo · 28/12/2023 12:47

I think you should aim to brush your hair and get dressed every day just for your own self esteem and feeling like you're in a normal routine/not just a mother/part of the outside world. But as for getting dressed up/make up/"styling hair" - meh. I only do those for nights out and work out of the home every day. You should do things for yourself, not your husband.

s4usagefingers · 28/12/2023 12:52

I try and brush my teeth, do light make up and sort my hair out a bit (can’t be arsed styling daily) but that’s for myself rather than husband. I am aware that I don’t want to look like a slob for him all the time so it’s nice to make an effort for him but he doesn’t seem to notice most of the time anyway. I tend to wear comfy clothes anyway so he’d probably ask what happened if he came home and I was in heels etc

Gettingbysomehow · 28/12/2023 13:04

I'm single but I still like to look nice for myself. Even when my adult son was a tiny baby. It just made me feel better all round.

Pussygaloregalapagos · 28/12/2023 13:06

I think it is nice for both him and you to make an effort. My MIL always pops upstairs for a quick change of top, a spritz of perfume and a slick of lippy before dinner and it does seem to sort of pep the mood up and change the vibe.

I am a bit of a slob unfortunately but can pull out the stops for special occasions.

SouthLondonMum22 · 28/12/2023 13:07

I feel confident when I look nice for myself, not anyone else. Though I'm not one to spend the day in pj's either.

SantaBarbaraMonica · 28/12/2023 13:10

I don’t like the underlying dynamic and thought processes of it. Unless he regularly does the same for you or something comparable. I hate overall though the way women are taught to value hairdos, makeup, fake nails etc. I think that is fundamentally the awful thing in society, not that you do it specially for your DH.

74Violette · 28/12/2023 13:38

It's my day off today and I'm still in my PJs and I feel grotty and unmotivated. Can't wait to get in the bath and put some proper clothes on. As I'm on my own today I won't bother with makeup but usually I would. I can't see it being good for anyone's mental wellbeing to stay in PJs all day, I think we all need to be in a confident headspace even when not leaving the house. As for your husband he would probably prefer to see you dressed, but I'm mainly thinking of you and how it would make you feel better inside.

glassconcreteandstone · 28/12/2023 13:53

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 20/12/2023 12:41

If it makes you feel better, go for it.

For some reason I read the thread title as 'to look nice for dachshund' and was ready with my 'YABU'.

I mean, you've got to get your priorities in order! 😂

Universalsnail · 28/12/2023 13:59

I always make an effort if I am going to be around my partner because I want him to find me hot still and I think it's super easy for people to let themselves go and to start finding each other unattractive. I expect him to care about his appearance too really although we've never spoke about that so I think we both agree about it but if he just looked like a slob all the time our sex life would probably start falling to the wayside.

Vonesk · 28/12/2023 14:01

I once lived with a guy who put his PJ 's on Friday night and stayed in them ALL WEEKEND.
INcidentally also NEVER washed his body ( to my knowledge) all the time I knew him. Ugh!!!!!

ohdamnitjanet · 28/12/2023 14:19

Jf20 · 20/12/2023 12:51

I can’t imagine getting dressed and doing my hair and makeup for my husband coming home. That’s a very dated stereotype , round about the 1940’s and 50s.

im also not a fan of women calling themselves mummy to other adults, fine in front of children, but I find it a little odd to use the word in a solely adult context,

when I do my hair and make up, it is either for me, personally, or if I am going somewhere and want to feel my best.

All this, and especially ‘mummy’. Almost as bad as hubby. Or wifey. But wear what the hell you like, when you like.

ohdamnitjanet · 28/12/2023 14:21

SantaBarbaraMonica · 28/12/2023 13:10

I don’t like the underlying dynamic and thought processes of it. Unless he regularly does the same for you or something comparable. I hate overall though the way women are taught to value hairdos, makeup, fake nails etc. I think that is fundamentally the awful thing in society, not that you do it specially for your DH.

Yes!

wasanneofcleves · 28/12/2023 14:28

I don't do it but I think it actually sounds rather fabulous as long as you don't feel pressure from your husband (or anyone else) to do it.

hot2trotter · 28/12/2023 14:35

Not setting a great example to your children. Wife is not there to look nice for husband. For herself, of course yes. But this reads like you're doing it for him. I hope you don't have a daughter.

Thepeopleversuswork · 28/12/2023 14:40

It's an interesting question though isn't it: where is the line drawn between looking good for yourself and looking good for the male gaze....

I generally like to look reasonably groomed and don't enjoy looking like a slob. I've always told myself I look nice "for me" but it's impossible to decouple how much of that is driven from myself and how much of it is learned behaviour based on the behaviour of women over generations which was driven by the desire to stay in their husband's good books (with the unspoken but clear implication that failure to look nice enough could jeopardise your financial security).

I'm uncomfortable with the idea of making myself look nice for my partner but also wouldn't particularly expect him to appreciate me with unwashed hair, holey clothes, smeared makeup and unbrushed teeth. I dress nicely and put on makeup if we're going out and if we're not going out I would put a brush through my hair, brush my teeth, maybe put on light makeup. I would definitely draw the line at heavy make-up, implants, fake eyelashes or lip filler but I'm rarely completely unvarnished.

I wouldn't particularly appreciate my partner coming over without brushing his teeth or bathing either, and I expect him to pay a degree of attention to his clothing, so to some extent it works both ways but men aren't inherently expected to "do themselves up" in the same way.

To what extent can we ever be said to be genuinely doing it "for ourselves" as opposed to "for men"? I don't know the answer!

Allthingsdecember · 28/12/2023 14:48

I don’t stay in pyjamas because it makes me feel a bit sluggish (and my toddler is wild if I don’t take him to at least the park). I do wear comfortable clothes most of the time though, and I don’t make any additional effort for DH finishing work. We’ve been together 14 years and he’s seen me looking far worse than I do day to day Grin.

But if it makes you feel happy and confident, crack on. It’d only be an issue if your DH was forcing you to get dressed up.

SouthLondonMum22 · 28/12/2023 14:49

Thepeopleversuswork · 28/12/2023 14:40

It's an interesting question though isn't it: where is the line drawn between looking good for yourself and looking good for the male gaze....

I generally like to look reasonably groomed and don't enjoy looking like a slob. I've always told myself I look nice "for me" but it's impossible to decouple how much of that is driven from myself and how much of it is learned behaviour based on the behaviour of women over generations which was driven by the desire to stay in their husband's good books (with the unspoken but clear implication that failure to look nice enough could jeopardise your financial security).

I'm uncomfortable with the idea of making myself look nice for my partner but also wouldn't particularly expect him to appreciate me with unwashed hair, holey clothes, smeared makeup and unbrushed teeth. I dress nicely and put on makeup if we're going out and if we're not going out I would put a brush through my hair, brush my teeth, maybe put on light makeup. I would definitely draw the line at heavy make-up, implants, fake eyelashes or lip filler but I'm rarely completely unvarnished.

I wouldn't particularly appreciate my partner coming over without brushing his teeth or bathing either, and I expect him to pay a degree of attention to his clothing, so to some extent it works both ways but men aren't inherently expected to "do themselves up" in the same way.

To what extent can we ever be said to be genuinely doing it "for ourselves" as opposed to "for men"? I don't know the answer!

I suppose it's the intention. I feel like the OP's intention is purely all to please her husband but you can get dressed each day, brush your teeth and hair etc to benefit yourself.

I agree that there's a fine line since we do live in a society which conditions us to please men.

CherryBlossom321 · 28/12/2023 14:56

I like to look nice. For myself. My husband apparently likes and appreciates me whether I’m bedraggled or “made up”. And that works both ways.

insideoutsider · 28/12/2023 16:03

All this - I can't imagine looking good for someone else, or calling myself mummy or wifey or you must only look good for yourself or else your children will be whatever - such small-mindedness that you can't imagine other people do things different from you and thinking your way is the 'right' way. Most humans do many things because of other people.
Most of those turning up their noses won't think twice about looking nice if someone was coming to their home to fix something or some visitor was coming in. What is wrong for a person to do something because of someone they love? Surely you can imagine doing things to make your partner smile, cooking something they like, wearing certain underwear or perfume the find sweet? I certainly like certain perfume on my partner and like it when they wear it. My uncle used to wear a certain t-shirt especially for my aunt because it made her smile after difficult days 'let me go and change he'd say' all excited. My best friend's husband started having a professional manicure because his wife liked it. 20yrs ago he started, still does now.

OP enjoy dressing up for your husband if it makes you happy and makes life more exciting. I think it's nice to do things that your partner likes and they do things you like too.

Char65 · 28/12/2023 17:11

I've always been a SAHM I'm 58 now and DH is 71 and when he was working I would make a bit of an effort for him when he came home from work if I had been with the children all day but agree with @PeppermintMandy . I wear comfy but not scruffy clothes at home with my toddler. I would never stay on PJs all day as it would make me feel crap. I do my hair and make up in the morning. It makes me feel good and “put together” and ready to leave the house if I have to/if the opportunity arises.

I've always liked fashion, clothes and make-up and would never dream of leaving the house if not well groomed if you will and that included the school run (the children's headmistress once commented on how well I was dressed in the morning!) I feel for me it is a confidence thing and second nature now. I also like the compliments form DH especially when we go out,

JL690 · 28/12/2023 17:25

I like to look as good as I can when I know someone is coming to my house, so I'll have a general tidy up, check my hair and change my clothes if I fell the need. I'm always smartly dressed when my ex brings my little one back home, for instance. It's natural for me.

Tonight1 · 28/12/2023 17:26

I'm glad I don't have a DH to dress up for, unwell on the sofa at present, need a good wash, no make up 😆

Depends on you OP, if you like the ritual of dressing up, makeup etc then fine. If you're unhappy with the status quo then you don't have to go to great lengths.

biedronka6 · 28/12/2023 17:31

Justtryingtobehelpful · 20/12/2023 12:46

I think your grew up in a very highly controlled environment and are now deconstructing your understanding of how the world works. Meaning splitting out what is your thoughts and opinions versus what your group growing up told you was the 'right way'.
Try out different ways of being. Researching group dynamics such as cults/religions or multi level marketing groups might give you some hints about what to focus on.

Leave people and their traditions alone.

biedronka6 · 28/12/2023 17:32

SouthLondonMum22 · 28/12/2023 14:49

I suppose it's the intention. I feel like the OP's intention is purely all to please her husband but you can get dressed each day, brush your teeth and hair etc to benefit yourself.

I agree that there's a fine line since we do live in a society which conditions us to please men.

Show quote history

It's nice to try and please your spouse.

SouthLondonMum22 · 28/12/2023 17:41

biedronka6 · 28/12/2023 17:32

It's nice to try and please your spouse.

Show quote history

As long as it works both ways.

The pressure is very one sided.