To think modern parenting is contributing to PND etc?

105 replies

Naptrappedmummy · 20/12/2023 10:19

Because I think it could be. We seem to expect so much of parents now compared to 30 years ago. Never let them cry alone, not even for a minute. If you do you’ll damage them beyond all repair. Keep them entertained 24/7 - fun days out, educational activities, cultural capital, enriching hobbies. Know who all their friends are, what they get up to every second of the day and the ins and outs of their entire life so you can micro manage it to prevent any upset (older children obviously). Intervene if their teacher tells them off or they fall out with a mate - never let them be put down or feel ‘unsupported’. Make sure they have their own room as sharing is unfair. Be in character 24/7, never raise your voice or show your anger/frustration, deal with everything serenely and with wisdom. Hug them if they smack you, don’t even show you are irritated. And so on. The expectations seem so high - you’re either the perfect mum or a shit one, nothing is ‘good enough’ any more.

It seems like such an overwhelming and unmanageable burden for mums that I’m not surprised so many have PND (including me) and mum burnout over the years.

AIBU?

OP posts:

dottypencilcase · 20/12/2023 19:05

dottypencilcase · 20/12/2023 19:03

YANBU OP. I'm a child professional and I fell into the 'perfect parent' trap and actually gave myself PND because I just couldn't achieve the perfect parent-child dynamic. It was only 7 months in that the penny dropped and I thought 'fuck it' and binned the books. I now say to parents, "some theories/research suggest XYZ but we're all different so what works for me wouldn't work for you, so spend some time getting to know your baby and finding your own pattern..."

For me, that meant cosleeping, giving up nightly baths and I still feed my DC when when they're being slow- I'm yet to meet a teenager who'll sit there waiting for an adult to feed them! I don't care what people think of me as a parent- I'm now more relaxed and my DC are happy- that's all that matters.

Also, gentle parenting has its place but it's just not for me. Firm but fair is my motto. Enough of the bullshit- we need to trust our instincts and be left to get on with it.

dottypencilcase · 20/12/2023 19:06

@ReindeerShelter tell me you're child free without telling me you're child free!

minicheddars87 · 20/12/2023 19:20

I half agree? Social media and the avalanche of pressure to be the best and keep up with the yummy mummies most likely has its place with new mums feeling crap. But I also think that there was likely far more cases of pnd in the past that went undiagnosed because we just didn't know as much about it.

Furthermore, while mums these days have their own separate challenges there's also so much that has made parenting a lot easier now than in my day -

-Dad's are pressured to do more
-The introduction of paternity leave
-Advancement in technology giving mums today all these great new tools to help them
-more access to support groups for a number of different things

more easy, convenience foods
online forums for quick advice

ReindeerShelter · 20/12/2023 21:04

dottypencilcase · 20/12/2023 19:06

@ReindeerShelter tell me you're child free without telling me you're child free!

I’m not childfree I have two children.

willWillSmithsmith · 21/12/2023 09:31

Jellycats4life · 20/12/2023 14:52

If you’ve never experienced the pressure you’ve had a sheltered life! I mean, good for you that you didn’t, honestly, but it’s so pervasive for most people.

Not just from doctors pushing vaginal births and trying to put women off c sections (I experienced that) it’s the posters in antenatal clinics, or the midwives who sneer about “artificial milk” (because, apparently, “formula” isn’t denigrating enough).

Add to that the peer pressure within NCT groups, baby groups and online. Everything feels so factional. I wanted to attend a local babywearing group to get sling advice for my firstborn, only to abandon the idea when I saw the website which pointed out that most of the mothers breastfed and used cloth nappies (it was irrelevant really, but back then it was so important to signal how crunchy you were) so I knew, just knew, that they would look down on me for doing neither.

Show quote history

I haven’t had a sheltered life but I admit I must have been one of the lucky ones who didn’t experience any pressure re BF or being made to feel a failure because I had two c sections. I did have problems BF (very painful at first) but the nurse was really nice and helpful. Maybe it’s very much down to the staff that are on hand at the time.

Admittedly we didn’t have social media when I had my children so maybe that makes a difference but to be honest no one can make me feel like a failure except me and I’ve never been susceptible to peer pressure in any aspect of my life so pregnancy and child raising wasn’t going to change that.

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