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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not yet be happy with my weight?

87 replies

Parvanati · 20/12/2023 09:11

I am probably vain so that’s fine you can come for me on that and I don’t want to make anyone feel bad about themselves so sorry. I have worked hard to lose a lot of weight this year and get fitter. I have done this in a sensible calorie deficit, not extreme and I’m not starving myself it’s a whole lifestyle change not just a diet as I will just eat this way at maintenance calories when I stop.

I didn’t feel very comfortable or healthy and I prefer being a size 12 rather than a size 18. Some people can look and dress really nicely at different sizes but it didn’t suit me I felt so bothered and hot when it’s warm and out of breath. I’m not doing it to impress other people or get their validation.

I still have weight to lose to get nearer to a healthy BMI (currently it’s 28) but everyone who sees me keeps telling me to stop, it will affect my face, I will be too slim, I don’t need to lose more etc etc. This includes my partner! People comment on what I eat or when I decline treats and it makes me uncomfortable. Family and DP keep asking if I will eat normally at Christmas and to take time off my diet, keep offering me things, it will be fine I won’t gain weight but actually, I probably would and I don’t want to do it.

Now I do not see what they see and am worried I now have body dysmorphia? I am still 12st 6 and not tall, so I am still overweight? I can see exactly where the remaining weight is held, it’s my tummy, hips and bum, looks ok in clothes but not great naked and I am not happy with how it looks yet. I’m not blind or stupid I don’t think I am misjudging that I am still overweight? (I’m 5’5).

I have diet cycled in the past and fallen off the wagon, and gained even more back I worry a lot about this happening again so this time I have done everything slowly and differently but it’s making me feel anxious.

AIBU to feel like this has anyone else?

OP posts:

Doggymummar · 20/12/2023 09:17

Whats making you feel anxious? Sorry if if not comprehending, I read your post twice and I don't understand where the anxiety is coming from.

bMI 28 is overweight still so if you want to lose more you have scope. Well done on your loss so far, don't listen to others if they are not helpful. If you were a size 6 I could understand but not at size 12. Fwiw I have lost 5 stone since M arch and people tell me I look great, but it's in comparison to before, not to the general population. My BMI is still 30 I could lose another 5 stone and still be top end of healthy weight. Do it for yourself not for accolade or for others.

seenisambol · 20/12/2023 09:21

Ignore everyone else. Wanting to get to a healthy BMI is an admirable goal and it sounds like you're doing it in a sensible way. I also have family who constantly try to badger me to eat more but I think it's driven by people feeling guilty about their own eating habits so wanting you to indulge with them. Stay firm, you can do it!

Animallover87 · 20/12/2023 09:22

I suspect they are jealous and seeing you get slim is making them feel bad about themselves.

Well done on the weight loss and keep going until your BMI is in the healthy range and you'll feel even better!

StephanieSuperpowers · 20/12/2023 09:23

People don't like change, Your partner, friends and family don't want you to change too much. However, it's your decision.

Frenchfancy · 20/12/2023 09:24

If your BMI is 28 and you are not happy then of course keep going to hit the healthy BMI.

It's not just about looks remember, it's health and mobility.

MarleyandMarleyWoooo · 20/12/2023 09:25

You must do what you want to and is achievable for you. Everyone else can shush. A lot of the comments stem from being used to you as the way you are I expect, and then when you change, it’s different. People are creatures of habit I think really, and aren’t very keen on change.
You’ll be glad you lost the weight, when it’s gone, and your health will thank you long term!

Catza · 20/12/2023 09:25

People are uncomfortable with change. And they are uncomfortable when someone doesn't "join in". That's why people who stop drinking and smoking often get comments from their friends encouraging them to "just have one, it won't hurt".
Well done on taking control of your health. I would say a few weeks on maintenance calories over Christmas will be absolutely fine and will allow you to enjoy your time with family and pick up your diet when there is less pressure (and when everyone will be dieting in January anyway).
You are very level-headed by the sound of it and people around you need explaining that you are not dieting. You are changing your lifestyle and there is no expiration date on that.

User5643877 · 20/12/2023 09:30

My BMI is about 22 and I'm 46. I don't think I look too skinny and given it's in the healthy weight range I intend to stay like this. I did you diet many years ago but my weight is now stable as I get on the scales every day. I have half a kilo either side of my ideal weight which I'm happy with. If I go over this, I eat less for a day or so, if I go under I eat a bit more.

something2say · 20/12/2023 09:30

Yes just keep going. I too am 5.5 but just under ten stone now, and my bmi is still towards the overweight end of the healthy bit.

You could have a big meal or two, shut them up, then fast until next day??

Keep going and enjoy your body, well done.

User5643877 · 20/12/2023 09:30

Yo yo not you!

CharlotteRumpling · 20/12/2023 09:31

Who doesn't prefer being a size 12 to an 18? My BMI is 23. I am not skinny.

Sparklfairy · 20/12/2023 09:35

everyone who sees me keeps telling me to stop, it will affect my face, I will be too slim, I don’t need to lose more etc etc.

I hate this so much, it's so destructive. A friend of mine (male) started at 22st and got himself together and started losing weight. When he got to about 19st everyone started saying exactly the above to him, and calling him 'skinny'. He was still obese BMI.

Ffs. He had such momentum and was doing so well, but they got in his head and now he's back to his starting weight. I haven't said anything because he'll feel like he's gone backwards and the effort to start over again will feel too overwhelming right now. But what I'm saying is don't let people shit on your achievement because they feel threatened or jealous.

IglesiasPiggl · 20/12/2023 09:35

Well done on your health journey so far. Other people can pipe down, you want to reach a sustainable healthy weight that's a good investment in your long term health and mobility. I agree - I have a small frame and whenever I have hit size 14 in the past I have felt fat, doughy and uncomfortable. It's too big for my frame size so I have lost weight. Crack on, OP!

Isthatarealname · 20/12/2023 09:37

I had this, I had a BMI of 27 and people were saying if it lost more I'd be gaunt. I think its a mix of them comparing it to your old shape and public in general being overweight. Just ignore then, if you still feel you need to lose more when you're in a healthy BMI review it then. You are absolutely right if you give up the diet you probably will regain (speaking from experience).

beanontoast · 20/12/2023 09:39

People get very funny about stuff like this and likely they’re jealous. When I had a BMI of 28 I was not happy, my face was so round, nobody told me I looked fat etc but when I look back at photos I’m horrified. Now my BMI is around 22.5-23 and I’m not skinny, I look slim and feel healthier but nobody would say I’m too slim. Ignore them and carry on what you’re doing, it’s your body

MargotBamborough · 20/12/2023 09:40

Congratulations on your weight loss, OP.

You are clearly well aware that your BMI is still higher than is recommended by healthcare professionals. Your GP would no doubt encourage you to continue losing weight until your BMI is less than 25.

I think it's a little concerning that the people around you are trying to undermine your efforts rather than supporting you. It's none of their business whether your weight loss affects your face, or makes you slimmer than they think you should be, for whatever reason. Your body, your choice. And you are trying to make healthy choices which will benefit you in the long term.

I'm sorry people are being like this. I think you need to firmly tell - not ask - them to stop commenting on your weight loss.

Are the people telling you to stop losing weight overweight themselves, out of interest? If so, there may be an element of jealousy to it, in that they don't want to see you working your way out of a hole they they are also in. Your partner may also be worried that if you lose more weight you will be considered more conventionally attractive and other men might be interested in you.

SandboxSalsa · 20/12/2023 09:40

They are being ridiculous. Don’t let it put you off. I let people get in my head like this for years, which stopped me getting to the weight I wanted to be, and I regret it a bit. You are the person with a say in this, no one else.

Montasaurus · 20/12/2023 09:40

It’s your body. You do what makes you happy. Ignore everyone else.

Well done on your progress so far.

IglesiasPiggl · 20/12/2023 09:41

Isthatarealname · 20/12/2023 09:37

I agree with this. Also, I have decided that if it comes down to a choice, I would rather be a little gaunt in the face but have less fat stored around my vital organs, than have a face that pleases others at the expense of my own health.

piscesangel · 20/12/2023 09:41

I think this is awful of your family and partner! I'm the same height and also struggle with my weight - but people our height really are still medically quite overweight at your current point. My doctor suggested no more than 10 stone is about right for our height so it's not a marginal thing at over 12 stone. I wish you all the very best for continuing your journey to a healthy weight

Holly60 · 20/12/2023 09:41

With a BMI of 28 you can still afford to loose a significant amount more weight if that is what you want.

I would say with your height and current weight people are not being truthful about looking gaunt. Some people don't like to see others succeed. Keep going if that is what you want!

NotFastButFurious · 20/12/2023 09:41

In my experience no one ever tells you you’re too fat apart from my mother but everyone will comment about how thin you’re getting!
as a nation we are loosing sight of what’s a healthy weight and size because the average is going up and up. A size 12 for many people (myself included) puts them in the overweight BMI category and I agree with you that it’s not where I want to be.

Sloth66 · 20/12/2023 09:50

Well done on what you’ve achieved so far.
people are threatened by change , that’s their issue not yours.

LuisCarol · 20/12/2023 09:51

I haven't got any wise advice, but just wanted to say I'm in almost exactly the same position and can very much relate. It's not just you. (And it's not just me, which is helpful to know, thank you).

DropDeadFreida · 20/12/2023 09:52

People can have very strange reactions to others' weight loss. I would have a serious conversation with those who are making comments and say that they do not have the right to make comments about your body as you do not do that to them. When you lose weight it's like your body becomes public property-it's very unsettling.

And I know exactly what you mean about how easy it can be to fall off the wagon, the thought is very anxiety-inducing and stays with you forever. And once you have been overweight it can be really easy to regain weight unfortunately, so their comments are not helpful.

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