to not understand the stress

[80skid]

that people feel to provide a perfect Christmas?

Don't get me wrong, I will have a wonderful Christmas and am hugely looking forward to it. I have young kids and will be catering for 8 on Christmas Day. There will be presents, food, drink and hopefully merriment. I will not be providing Michelin standard food - it will be very nice but I won't attain perfection. I don't attain perfection in my everyday life because I am human.

I know many others will spend more, receive more, wrap better, look glamorous, have nicer decorations and better food. But I will be perfectly happy and content with my family and consider myself hugely fortunate that is the case.

I seem to be surrounded by people stressed and worried about getting it right, about putting on a perfect show, perfect spread, perfectly behaved and presented kids (I won't achieve that!!!) and in the last couple of days, worrying they might catch a cold and ruin the big day!! I get that it's a special time when most people's annual leave aligns, but it's just a day and if the potatoes are burned or you drop a couple of flu tablets and can't drink, it's really not the end of the world. If something actually significant and unfortunate happens, that's just life and you'll deal with it much better without this pressure to make the day perfect for everyone.

Well never mind perfect - and I'm not even cooking Christmas dinner or at home for Christmas - but I'm stressed because work is extremely busy and I haven't been very well. I'm currently surrounded by boxes of Christmas decs with a tree up, but bare, and there's a pile of unwrapped presents we've bought in the hall. I am seriously wondering when everything is going to get done.

You are right. No question about it.

I think the piece you’re missing is the instagram effect. People are bombarded with how things should be and should look and now the achievement of that is all tied in with the pleasure. So people chase that feeling of pleasure they get when things look and taste ‘just perfect’.

But you are so right. If people (me included) could just change our internal expectation to a softer, more relaxed target for the day, there’s no reason that couldn’t give us the same pleasure.

it’s all mindset and expectations.

I’m only worried about catching something- my partners’ grandparents aren’t doing great and we’re meant to visit them on Christmas Day. Haven’t seen them for ages because of all the plagues my son brings back from nursery, hoping for a reprieve this week!

Do you work Op? Will you struggle financially/ time wise to make the things in your OP happen? Is everyone at your table in full health- / going through difficult life circumstances eg death/ divorce?

All of the above put pressure onto families at Christmas

In my business this is the busiest time of year.

Add that to running a house,kids,school runs,the usual hectic mess of life and it's busy

Then chuck in Xmas and there you have why people are strrsssed.

It's not just about the day it's the run up and finances stress on top of it

I agree with @SantaBarbaraMonica.
People put too much stress on themselves. It's the same with weddings.

As long as people are warm, fed and watered that is all that really matters.

I had a lightbulb moment many years ago when Christmas dinner didn't quite go to plan as it took longer than anticipated to cook. I suddenly realised that it doesn't matter if it is late, and now I am more relaxed about cooking it. It is ready when it's ready.

Inthink OP is talking about the "oh no! The bread sauce is missing! Christmas is ruined!" people who get ott stressed over every detail when it's actually not big day ruiner in reality. Not people in poverty/ill etc

The best Christmases I've had are those with friends who are extremely casual about the whole thing znd don't try to be Michelin chefs and wear comfortable clothes.
High end Christmases do my head in. This year I decided to spend Christmas alone because I'm shattered from my stressful job and don't want to do anything.

I'm a perfectly standard working full time married mum struggling to fit life and family in time wise and marvelling at how much life costs financially. Fortunately no dire circumstances there though. .

There is illness in my family, which is perhaps why I'm much more focussed on the presence over presents.
A precious response mentioned in put up decorations and work stress. I really hope the work gets done and you have time to enjoy a break. It may be that you have more relaxing break if you can manage to ditch some of the mental load through delegating or not bothering. Whatever you do, I wish you and yours a lovely Christmas, maybe not perfect by other peoples standards, or even by yours at other times in your life. But perfect for you right now

Do you mean I feel differently to people this way or I am unable to understand and empathise with people in a different situation or with different experiences or prioritises? If it’s the former that’s fine but the second smug.

Some people are less able to withstand the peer pressure of advertising, instagram and facebook than others.

Some people have less money / time / health so 'producing' Christmas is harder.

I don't think it's too hard to understand.

I'm time poor with appalling executive function so the extra work of shopping, wrapping and decorating simply are stressful without pressurising things to be perfect. My family are ND and managing transitions is additionally hard. Chilling out is important but it won't make things less stressful necessarily.

You seem to be making assumptions about why people you know seem to you to be stressed, and seemingly judging and comparing yourself positively with them. Kind of internal (until you posted) ‘virtue signalling’ or reassurance of some kind?

To be honest what stresses me the most is not the actual day but all the pre Christmas stuff at school and nursery; the last two weeks there’s been 4 things to take time off for, parties to provide food for, various dress up days then preparing for 2 weeks off work, the Christmas activities that I’m stupidly putting on myself to give the kids nice memories (the last bit is what I need to rethink)

I'm not stressed about Christmas. I have the same attitude to you about it. But I am stressed generally. Money worries. Also, I've been up all night, had a swollen gum around my wisdom tooth for days and it's so painful. And yeah, that'll put a downer on Christmas if it hasn't sorted itself out by then. Pain and all that.

Oh my goodness, show some imagination. I’m perfectly pragmatic about Christmas, but it’s a hugely busy time of year with lots of extra things that need to be done. Working until Friday in a high pressure job with a load of people wanting things done before they break for Christmas, dc off school already, tree decorating, shopping, wrapping etc all needing to be done as well. It’s not surprising in the least that I’m feeling rather stressed.

For me, the stress has nothing to do with creating perfection. It comes from the never-ending stream of requests and obligations that seem to pile on starting in late November. Extra work, extra social obligations, extra financial pressures, SO MANY extra children’s events (concerts, showcases, party invites), extra school requests, etc. We say ‘yes’ when we’d rather say ‘no’ because we love the people involved to whom those events are really important, (mainly thinking of our children here) and we want to support them. It does take a pound of flesh, though. For me, Christmas doesn’t start until Christmas Eve when all of the lead-up events and requests have finished and I can settle in for two weeks of uninterrupted family time and rest. THAT is the real holiday.

Exactly this. I'm not smug, rich or in any way amazing. Simply within my means, ability and not aspiring for things beyond either. I will work hard and endeavour to make things to the best of my ability, but if I burn something, the oven breaks or something major happens, I'll not be devastated that I haven't had the Hallmark/Instagram Christmas. It will simply be "the Christmas that x happened "
Bread sauce won't be featuring on my table
My heart goes out to people under additional stress which detracts from the enjoyment, whether through family or own expectations.
And to people who are struggling with mental health, addiction, bereavement or illnessI hope you feel able to spend the day however is best for you and that you feel loved and supported. It's such a difficult time of year in these circumstances, worrying about the perfect gravy, table setting and so forth won't help. That was my point.

I'm not aiming for the 'perfect' Christmas, just a good time with family. But it's a lot of extra work on top of my normal busy life. I have 3 days of hosting a large family so the cooking, cleaning, planning, preparation, shopping, gift wrapping on top of pre-Christmas socialising and the one hundred other Christmas jobs does become quite overwhelming.

As for the perfect Christmas dinner, we gave that up long ago. These days we go in for a decadent, boozy brunch (mostly prepared the night before), charcuterie to nibble at throughout the day, and DH grills steaks for dinner. So much easier, and we prefer all of those foods to turkey!

I would be gutted if my Christmas didn't involve bread sauce!

But then I'm a spoilt madam who doesn't have to do any hosting or cooking or prepping other than buying and wrapping gifts! 😁

I'll be hosting next year though but I love prepping for an event. I am with you on the perfection side though - lots of little things went wrong at our wedding but it made the day even more special as it had character! Things always work out, why stress over it all?

Have you any idea how insufferably smug you sound?

I am working full time, averaging 4- 5 hours of sleep a night, have a house that looks like a tip, relatives coming from abroad for Christmas and I am nowhere near ready. I am so stressed I could puke.

Well done you for being organised and calm.

Do you work full time OP?
DH and I work full time, with DH working away Monday-Friday.
Forget aiming for perfection. The stress comes from literally not having the time to get things sorted. Plus work deadlines on top. Plus seasonal illness, which I'm currently struggling with and waking up feeling like I've been hit by a sledgehammer each morning.
We're not hosting this year for a change, but that means going somewhere else to be hosted, so we're doing 2 x 6 hour round trips up and down the motorway to see family during our precious time off together.
If we were also hosting this year, with all of the associated shopping and endless washing up, I think I'd just want to curl up into a ball and sleep at this point.

Oh dear OP I feel like people are completely missing the point!

I get what you mean, so much bloody perfection needed and I genuinely couldn't give a crap!

I actually do have financial issues this year so stressed anyway but not about Xmas. The kids will get what we can afford and they know how lucky they are to have wealthy grandparents. But if they didn't they'd just get less 🤷🏻‍♀️

My husband cooks the dinner and we mostly eat pigs in blankets because what's the point of anything else? So that makes our very ordinary roast (no turkey 🤢) a Xmas meal.

Xmas traditions are ours, we don't need to start new ones....like wtf are Xmas eve boxes for?

And you should see the state of my tree. I bloody love it!

As for wrapping....Aldi paper, a roll of sellotape and a marker pen , job done 👍

I also don't post any cards, I don't see the point of them now we can just ping a festive message for free!

Full disclosure though I work full time as a teacher so haven't been at work this week. I guess that helps with pre Xmas stress (not up to last week though! 🤯)

My sister in law used to insist that we all spend the day at their house. Don't know why as she seemed absolutely miserable and stressed as she aimed for the perfect John Lewis Christmas every year. I don't think anyone else enjoyed it either as she used to try and run a strict military style timetable. She refused any help and would just get more stressed every hour. Ended up in a blazing row one year when she finally had a melt down over someone leaving a coffee cup on the table rather then instantly putting it in the dishwasher. It was just too much, everyone wanted to help out, relax, have a glass of wine, watch a crap Bond film, go for a walk round the park etc but she wanted an audience to show off to. In her head she thought it would look like that scene from the first class dinner in titanic with added tinsel yet the reality was that we would have all preferred the below deck party scenes from third class.