to not understand the stress

[80skid]

that people feel to provide a perfect Christmas?

Don't get me wrong, I will have a wonderful Christmas and am hugely looking forward to it. I have young kids and will be catering for 8 on Christmas Day. There will be presents, food, drink and hopefully merriment. I will not be providing Michelin standard food - it will be very nice but I won't attain perfection. I don't attain perfection in my everyday life because I am human.

I know many others will spend more, receive more, wrap better, look glamorous, have nicer decorations and better food. But I will be perfectly happy and content with my family and consider myself hugely fortunate that is the case.

I seem to be surrounded by people stressed and worried about getting it right, about putting on a perfect show, perfect spread, perfectly behaved and presented kids (I won't achieve that!!!) and in the last couple of days, worrying they might catch a cold and ruin the big day!! I get that it's a special time when most people's annual leave aligns, but it's just a day and if the potatoes are burned or you drop a couple of flu tablets and can't drink, it's really not the end of the world. If something actually significant and unfortunate happens, that's just life and you'll deal with it much better without this pressure to make the day perfect for everyone.

I would be gutted if my Christmas didn't involve bread sauce!

Its devils arse gravy.

Of course you are right, but the people you’re talking about have a bad case of anxiety probably, exacerbated by insta perfection, and are possibly trying to paper over the cracks of whatever they perceive to be wrong in their lives. So wanting a perfect Christmas is just a symptom of a wider problem.

You sound very nice and sane, but you might be a wee bit low on imagination if you didn’t work this out.

3 Christmas's on the run our entire household was really ill, it was so upsetting given that we are a hard working family who really treasure our time off together. Had we have been able to "just pop a few flu pills" that would have been great. However we were all in bed for days and wasted what should have been a wonderful break.

You are right. Substitute joy for stress. Decorate if you enjoy it. Do family activities you enjoy. Buy things you actually want. Eat the food you like.

Honestly OP it's advertising, social media and peer pressure from friends, family, work and society in general to have a happy time valuing family, good deeds, consumerism and food. The reality is lots of families can argue and ut can feel forced.

That's why I no longer shove a large family onto a probably delayed train in freezing weather weather to endure three hours of misery (if the train even gets there) so we can have three happy hours family time before repeating the nightmare journey back with presents, tired, overfed and cold kids. We can visit another day instead.

I hosted Christmas once and the thing that stressed me out the most were my guests arriving over an hour early. I then lost my then-bf to hosting, which sucked as I needed the help. I was doing fine until then!

When i was younger i felt the pressure to do everything perfectly.
Cards,presents tree.
I had a breakdown one Christmas while struggling with an ED.
Ive also worked many decembers doing 12 plus hour days in hospitality so unable to do little at all.
This yr my dd said she will visit and cook for us with 80 yr old dm.
Ds has asked to join us and i managed to get everyone a thoughtful gift in TKMaxx last week.
It wont be everyone idea of perfect but i will be spending it with loved ones and not exhausted from work.
Still no cards though as i dont see the point.🤣🎄

Someone on the radio said yesterday "It's just a roast dinner and some presents."

I don't find Christmas stressful at all but I don't really know anyone who does. I have quite a lot of people to buy for (mostly kids, 22 nieces and nephews plus my own 2 children) so I always feel better when that's done but I normally bang it out in one afternoon and my husband does at least half of it. As far as dinner, decorating and visiting/hosting family and friends goes then I don't think it's any big deal really but then we visit and host a lot year round.

Someone on the radio said yesterday "It's just a roast dinner and some presents

In fairness most roast dinners do not involve putting a stuffed bird in the after breakfast.

I get what op is saying but the phrasing is very judgmental and smug unfortunately.

Good for you that you are level headed enough up to not get stressed over perfection. You really do lack awareness of others and see things very superficially sadly.

You know there are psychological factors at play causing the drive to make it perfect above all else? Hosts might want to give their family a perfect Xmas because it's their loved ones last one due to terminal illness. Or they have no control over shit things in their life so Xmas is the one thing they can control.
Perhaps they have critical parents who expect perfection and will criticise anything less- that person might be avoiding that stuff to have a nice day themselves.

Your post makes me irritated because it's like you are making out people are stupid if they aren't like you and want to make their Xmas nice for their family.
Nothing is that simple and you should have compassion and stand in others shoes before judging.

Ps I'm not any of my examples above but I feel pressure to make it good as a single parent and only child present (others can't be arsed) for my elderly mother. Everyone has additional needs making likely hood of someone being upset about something very high on the day. I will do my best to get it right to help manage all these variables. I don't care about perfection (honestly don't have time!) but i might appear that I do due to the above.

Good luck with your day however it goes and YABU not having bread sauce!

This is what I'm getting at!

I think the big problem is that in UK (and some other places) everyone considers Christmas being just 1 day. It is not. Advent and 12 days after notwithstanding it's basically 3 days. Christmas eve, Christmas day and Boxing day/St Stephen's day. Where I grew up we spread it over the 3 days so there is no need to argue over day only and how to fit everyone in. Normally we were home on 24th (that's our Christmas with presents), 1 side on 25th, another on 26th for roasts. Stuffing all that into 1 day is kind of masochistic tbh

I think some of the stress comes in particular families. Your own particular household may be quite relaxed. But wider family often shove expectations and demands on others. I had this happen to me the other day - was looking forward to a lovely Xmas of feasting and slobbish and winter walks when bam! Family member steamrollers in with demands!

*oven

My kingdom for a non typo prone phone

We are hosting for twelve as we do every other year. It will be nice. Everyone helps and it’s not stressful and it has never been.

But that is largely down to circumstances and luck. I don’t lack imagination and can see why others get stressed.

People aren’t normally stressed just because of bread sauce. There is usually a back story of external pressures, trying to please others, financial problems, previous bad experiences, having to travel over the Xmas period etc. People aren’t all idiots.

Competitive ‘I am so chilled over Christmas’ is clearly a thing on MN. It’s irritating.

"But I will be perfectly happy and content with my family"
OP, that's a big contributing factor right there. If the people with whom you are spending Christmas are relaxed, easy going and enjoy helping out, you're unlikely to find things stressful.

A lot of Christmas stress comes from family tension around expectations, unmet needs, blame and resentment. Which is a shame.

People are stupid. People seek to look like the Joneses. People seek to post shite online. People don't see the absolute irony of a Christian festival being completely and utterly commercialised. It's a roast dinner. With people. And presents if you can be bothered. Literally, the world isn't going to be fucked if you stop buying gifts for your random niece/neighbour/person who got you a gift and now you feel obliged to return the sentiment. It's not about being smug. It's being clear headed and seeing it for what it is. A day. Like any other. You can choose to refuse to participate with extended family, you aren't obliged to put on a feast. You aren't obliged to provide Xmas eve boxes, or endless photo opportunities with a bunch of fake Santas. You aren't obliged to do any of it. It's as stressful as you ALLOW it to be.

To be honest, I also have wondered this op. I order all my presents and food on line, putting the tree up takes max an hour one weekend, I’m perfectly able to cook a roast dinner, and kids stuff and social invites are manageable.

I think some people just feel it is very stressful over and above their normal lives and don’t have capacity for more.

Not everyone is stupid. I mean stupid in the sense they allow themselves to get utterly swept up and stressed out.

oh thank god I am not only one. work is so mental at mo plus all dogs sick so vern in vets nearly every say. had a few things to to. plus bet bills ate into Xmas savings so can't buy anything to pay day. tree up since Thursday and still not decorated. just two of us Xmas Dinner so not too worried but still need to do shop and himself wants to come do needs to be eve then. I just want two days please no work crap to fix no vets or docs appointments. no interruptions and to wake up not having to go anywhere I can actually do stuff at home uninterrupted that's all I ask

The thing about this post is I get you op. And many people will at some point get it too, it's all about phases of life, particular circumstances and mindset and many people are still stuck in thinking everything has to be perfect and feel the societal pressure, and this is for everything not just Christmas. I agree it is silly to get stressed over things that don't need stress, so I don't find the school stuff stressful. I put things in calendars and they happen. We take the path of least resistance and it's mostly ok, you need to pick your battles as you can't do everything. We don't do packed lunches, I don't do elves on shelves, I don't whip my dc up into a frenzy over world book day outfits. But, and this is a big but, I only got to this point due to life events that made me re think everything and focus attention on what is important.
Not being in social media must also be a big impact, it's been many years so I've forgotten the impact that has. I don't follow celebrities or read magazines so don't have all that to compare to.
So I agree with you that there is no need for it to be stressful, if life is generally good and you are adding unnecessary stress to make Christmas (or whatever else) perfect, but YABU to not understand why others don't have the same mindset as you.

You need to have some self awareness - your post is incredibly smug. Good for you that you don’t have tensions in your family that make you dread the whole period, critical PIL for whom nothing you do is right, a husband who will sit on his arse for a week while you run ragged… None of those things are anything to do with being insta perfect but the reasons people I know are stressed. The pressure to ensure 15 people in my extended family are entertained to their expectations for days on end (while no one helps and we have tiny children) has almost sent me over the edge in the last.

I think you are applying a far too simplistic explanation about why people find this time of year so pressuring. Good for you you’re so cool. Don’t be so judgmental!

I feel a bit stressed about it. It's the busiest time of year at work for me and I have to fit in the kids hobby performances, school performances, and a million requests from the school to bring in different things on different days for the fayre, Xmas jumper day etc. I completely something important for my child at the weekend as I got the date wrong. It's not Xmas day, it's December in general and it's just another thing to do. We have a similar number of guests but some of them live a distance away so are staying quite a while, and haven't co ordinated so we have guests for 10 days or so. It's the last year my older child will belive in santa (there have been lots of questions this year) and I want to make it special for them. I enjoy hosting but it is quite hard work (for me, when we host I normally do something that's a bit easier but on Christmas day we do a traditional Christmas dinner which I find more stressful as there are lots of separate components).

I like people who care about the details being just right, and who are prepared to put the work in to make it happen. Because of them, the decorations are beautiful and the food is delicious. Yes, it would be better if they didn’t stress, especially if that means they’re anxious and unhappy. But if nobody bothered, everything would get just that little bit shitter every year, and nobody would notice until nobody had the skill and the dedication to fix it.

I'm not stressed about it either however I also realise that we all have different lives.

For example

• some folk have bad family relationships yet may still have to spend time together
• some folk can barely afford any food/heat, let alone Christmas food or gifts
• some folk have to work much harder on the run up to Christmas or even spend most of it working
• some folk have mental or physical illness concerns - their own or someone close to them
• some folk might hate all the overconsumption
• some folk's children may be autistic and struggle with routine changes/big surprises/noise etc.

It's not black and white.