to not understand the stress

[80skid]

that people feel to provide a perfect Christmas?

Don't get me wrong, I will have a wonderful Christmas and am hugely looking forward to it. I have young kids and will be catering for 8 on Christmas Day. There will be presents, food, drink and hopefully merriment. I will not be providing Michelin standard food - it will be very nice but I won't attain perfection. I don't attain perfection in my everyday life because I am human.

I know many others will spend more, receive more, wrap better, look glamorous, have nicer decorations and better food. But I will be perfectly happy and content with my family and consider myself hugely fortunate that is the case.

I seem to be surrounded by people stressed and worried about getting it right, about putting on a perfect show, perfect spread, perfectly behaved and presented kids (I won't achieve that!!!) and in the last couple of days, worrying they might catch a cold and ruin the big day!! I get that it's a special time when most people's annual leave aligns, but it's just a day and if the potatoes are burned or you drop a couple of flu tablets and can't drink, it's really not the end of the world. If something actually significant and unfortunate happens, that's just life and you'll deal with it much better without this pressure to make the day perfect for everyone.

I am not stressed because I want a perfect Christmas. Like you, I am not expecting Instagram perfection and am happy with that.

Where my stress comes from is a high level of extra work in a life that is already busy. Extra shopping, extra planning, extra chores. I dont want to accidentally leave anyone out by forgetting a present or not providing vegetarian options for my vegetarian guests. Because we have a lot of people on the day it will be super fun, but that means we can't just set the table - we are going to have to move furniture around and do some clever little hacks.

And the bulk if this planning and thinking falls to me. When I am working full time u til Friday. Dh is also working and has been implementing a lot of things so he's not sitting on his butt. But its a lot.

So please don't tell me that I am trying to create some perfect Instagram Christmas and being unrealistic when I say I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. I am just a woman, with a job and a family and an elderly dog trying to ensure that u have the gifts and the food and the bloody furniture I need on the day.

I agree, I’ve got a Christmas cake that would benefit from being iced but might never happen, some mince pies to be made that might not make the cut and no decorations except the tree.

But we’ll all have a wonderful time and I’m so looking forward to seeing my in-laws for a week who live quite a distance away.

YANBU

I disagree with some posters that you’re being smug. I definitely didn’t get that impression. It’s MN so there’s always posters who read something there that’s not.

It is one day out of the year and to stress yourself out to make it “perfect” is ridiculous to me and who is it really perfect to/for? So many sound absolutely miserable and stressed and then after it’s over, complain about what went wrong even if it’s a very small thing that anyone barely notices.

My mum was a pita around the Christmas season. Stressed and complaining even when she did have us help because it wasn’t “right”. I recall one of my jobs was putting up and decorating the Christmas tree and every year since it became my job she would find an issue with it and ask why didn’t I do xyz and move ornaments a cm over. I wasn’t just putting decorations on one side, spaced everything out, made sure there weren’t any bare spots as she told me to and it was still never good enough. Pretty sure if I had told her to do it herself then, it wouldn’t have gone down well. Met DH and didn’t go to my parents for Christmas for five years. Went once so that my dad and sister could meet DS1 and haven’t been back since, due to the distance.

I don’t want such stress and I definitely don’t want my children having the same experience I did nor having them think it’s normal.

DH and I talk out our plans and thoughts and decide what will be done. It’s barely a five minute chat since we’re usually on the same page. We say what bits we’re going to do, what days and it’s sorted. Check in with each other periodically and we’re done.

Some people make stress when there is none.

I had friends over at start of December, one of them was getting worked up because someone had bought a red disposable table cloth and this was somehow wrong because she had red napkins.

I've somehow missed this presentation gene and I'm quite glad. As long as your loved ones are there and there is food on the table - hot gravy hides a multitude of sins - then the rest is just window dressing.

I honestly think the early build up to Christmas doesn't help. People putting Christmas trees, lights, social media posts etc up in mid November seems to make the pressure build to a frenzy and make people think they're behind the curve in being ready!

I'm in a better place since I learned to say no (and no longer have DC in primary). I'm a laid back person generally, but used to find I was completely exhausted by other people's demands on my time.

Once upon a time, I was trying to juggle visits to DH's separated parents, my parents & my extended family, whilst frequently working on Christmas Day and even if I managed to wangle a day off, only having 2 days off over the Christmas period in which to fit in "our" Christmas.

Then throw in the Carol concert, nativity, & panto trip, helping at the PTA school fair, Christmas jumper days, trip to see Santa, after school club parties, village light switch on, work Christmas do's and bring and share lunches, overseas parcels to post, helping parents with Xmas shopping and the inevitable illnesses (not to mention the equally inevitable covering for sick staff at work) and it's not hard to understand that there is considerable additional work & a greater mental load.

I agree with the OP that trying to deliver an instagram Christmas is nuts, but there are plenty of other ways the pressure builds up, even if you personally are organised and relaxed about cooking.

Sometimes being relaxed takes quite a lot of effort. I'm happy to do it, but I'm not going to lie and pretend it doesn't take a lot organising.

I think it probably depends who you are hosting etc. and your relationship with them.

I don’t get stressed by Christmas but we either host my parents, brother and SIL or go to one of their houses. Brother and SIL also alternate Christmas so sometimes it’s just me, husband and my parents.

We see my parents often so it’s not really a lot of pressure. But I’d say we were hosting like ten people and some of them we only see a few times of year etc. I’d definitely feel more pressure and stress to get it right as you don’t want their impression of you to be tainted etc.

Different people get stressed about different things. Different things matter to different people. Different people have different lives and different external pressures.

Sometimes, the pressure isn't about a 'perfect Christmas' at all. It's about extra work, family issues, complex logistics around travel, presents, money and so on. Those things aren't about perfection, but they're still stressful for a lot of people.

You also forget that often, the pressure is coming from other people, and isn't necessarily self-generated. Even if someone doesn't think Christmas has to be perfect, maybe they live with someone who does? Or maybe their family circumstances mean that they're torn between who to see/invite. For a lot of people, it's not the 'perfect' details that are causing them stress, it's just the barest basics.

I do understand the point you're making, of course, but I think you just need to remember that there are many, many factors at play in people's individual circumstances and personalities that you're not aware of.

I had a very, very stressful Christmas a couple of years ago and if someone had said 'Oh, I don't understand what the fuss is about! It doesn't have to perfect! Just chill and don't worry about it!' I would probably have started throwing punches.

I think your perspective on this is related to your individual circumstances? I’m stress free, but I only have one small child who doesn’t expect much by way of presents and no major financial issues. As an extended family, we only do a secret Santa game and presents for children so I don’t have to shop much at all. We are not hosting, instead we are going to a big family Christmas Day where lots of people will be cooking individual dishes and bringing pre-made food. I will prepare absolutely no food because 1. I don’t like cooking and my OH does and 2. I’m very pregnant. I will help put the paper plates in the bin (my ILs love single use for easy clean up), spray and wipe surfaces and otherwise enjoy myself.

My poor mum had to shop for everyone, including ILs and do all the food every single Xmas year after year. If we hosted anyone it was my grandma who stressed her out even more, rather than being an extra adult to take on the load. I can definitely see how this stress would make it harder to tolerate any minor mishaps.

I think it’s just a life thing.. some people just naturally get far more stressed about things than other people, be that Xmas, work; family etc. (notwithstanding financial/family issues etc- assuming those things are all ok, some people just naturally find life’s events more stressful)

im lucky that im not a worrier or a stresser but i can understand that some people can’t control themselves over this

Couldn’t give a toss about perfection, but I do want the kids to have a lovely time and have some excitement, like I did at their age.

As for stress, it’s coming from trying to tie up work enough to actually get some downtime, find the time to wrap the gifts that are shoved in the ensuite and making sure the kids have the right uniform/hat/pjs/Christmas jumper for the never ending schedule of events.

If you're catering for 15 and no one is helping.... You need to fix that.

Wow well it appears I come across as smug, which was not my intention and I apologise if that was the case.

I was more aiming towards the #BeKind and positive mental health aspect. There's a lot to be said for being kind to yourself.
Yes, I do have a hectic work and family life. Yes, there are relationships, health issues in my family which add complications and sadness, as there are in every family. Yes, it's a massive faff adding lots of additional time pressures and financial pressures into an already complicated and hectic life. Yes, I'm frazzled and looking forward to a rest.
My point was more that I refuse to add additional pressures on myself. A friend was telling me how her child refused to wear their Christmas jumper at a do they were supposed to and how they argued. Personally, not a battle I'm prepared to fight. Table centrepieces - yes, one day I'd love to be crafty and artistic and brilliant, but I have no time, skill or funds. My decorations don't match. I have no opinion on whether neighbours' Christmas lights match/are copying my years old efforts. I reuse old gift bags. I'll most likely eat dinner a little sweaty having been cooking and probably forget a side dish I've reheated in the microwave and find it later. I'd love to look glamorous but it's fairly unlikely to happen. Maybe one day I'll get my nails and hair done. And wrap presents before midnight on Christmas Eve. I've done the homemade chef's stuffing in the past and I prefer paxo.

The season brings stresses and challenges. My point was about not adding extras on yourself that are not necessary.
Happy Christmas Mumsnet.

I have no expectations of perfection. I don't really care if something doesn't turn out that well. I have never aimed for perfect in any aspect of my life.

I still find the day stressful. Not because I am aiming for anything special, but cooking a big meal for a lot of people is stressful, or has stressful moments if you have a small oven and not much kitchen space. There are stressful moments when you have a houseful of people due to the general noise and additional mess it creates.

I love having my family over, and how we spend the day, but I will get stressed out at times, just like I do at any other time when my house is busy (which is often considering 9 people live here).

People put stress on themselves it is not anyone or anything fault and if they do it quietly I don't care

But I get sick of hearing about it have food, drink, whatever presents and decorations and just get on with it

Totally agree. I have cancer - not curable but not terminal yet. My DM is fading slowly but surely. I have one income coming in only at c£1k a month for 2 of us. We’re here, we’re doing our best and that’s all that matters.

You tend to find on MN there is a competitiveness as to who has it worse.
I have never known anyone in real life make one day so very complicated.
To me Christmas is not about what you do, but how you feel.

I understand what you are saying but for lots of people it is stressful. Some people have to work, they are not lucky enough to get a full week off work. Yet they still have to do all the stressful things such as clean the house, prepare it for visitors, buy the shopping, buy presents, cook Christmas dinner/lunch, wrap presents, put decorations up, manage their dcs, entertain people, playing boring games with their dcs, tolerate in laws etc etc.
I don’t go overboard by any means. However I can’t get the time off I would like and that in itself is stressful.
I don’t do instagram so I’m not interested in the fakeness of all that.
I also think it would be much better if shops closed for longer. Why can’t people just enjoy the days instead of having to go out and do something.

I agree with you apart from the illness @80skid

My DD is 4 and hasn’t spent a single Christmas yet with my parents or DB thanks to Covid lockdowns and then 2 consecutive Christmases of being seriously ill with Covid.
We are desperate to spend Christmas together as my dad had a stroke this year and god knows how many more opportunities there will be.

I’ve been very ill for 4 weeks, DH has just started coughing. I am desperate for us to be well enough to be together I’m afraid. A 5th Christmas of just the 3 of us will finish me off!

This is of your own doing though. Just say no to the stuff you don’t want to do or can’t manage.

I agree OP, I genuinely can’t fathom why people tie themselves in knots over what people on Instagram are doing or “social pressure” which is always trotted out as an excuse. so what if your MIL thinks the dinner wasn’t good enough or your tree was smaller than Jan and Bob next door? Isn’t being unstressed in your own life more important? Shove a tree up, buy your kids some presents, job done. You don’t have to host or drive a 200 mile round trip to see some demanding distant relatives. This site is full of people who can’t say no though and think the solution is to blame “society” rather than their lack of assertiveness.

You don’t “have” to clean the house or have visitors or cook from scratch. Most supermarkets do pre-prepared elements of Christmas dinner. Neither do you have to go out and do anything just because the shops are open (unless you work in retail of course)

I couldn't agree more.

OP respectfully I know lots of people who are stressed at this of year and none if them is worried about bread sauce. They (myself included) are worried having the time to even just do the basics for Christmas when working, they are worried about how they will manage to watch nativities, carols services etc when they’ve no annual leave, they are worried about money, they are worried about illness when family are travelling far and wide to be together, they are worried about remembering everything that’s on the to do list etc etc.
Whilst I’m glad for You that you feel super chill, it’s a bit insulting to assume the majority of those stressing about Christmas are worried about place settings or how long the turkey is in the oven.

I sincerely hope you make it. Happy Christmas

I understand the stress but think it's so stupid. Christmas is so cringe.