Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my 13 DS sleep over at his girlfriend's house?

160 replies

user1496146479 · 19/12/2023 17:43

Help me out! I think I'm losing the plot!
My DS13 wants to sleep over at his girlfriend of about 5 weeks (not sure that matters) house!
Apparently her parents are fine with it, and she has had boys sleep over before!
I've said no.... he is kicking off, I don't think IABU..... I have suggested collecting him late if they want to watch a movie etc.
For info, I have only met the girlfriend's dad once briefly when I collected her for a disco, and have only met the girl for the duration of that car journey!

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 20/12/2023 07:06

The age of consent was the age we allowed it. Boyfriends could stay over at our house after 6 months. These are not the rules I'd have chosen to go with.

And 2 out of 3 of our DDs didn't wait til the age of consent.

velvetoptions · 20/12/2023 07:08

sometimes our 13 year olds think they really really want to do something

but actually

they are nervous, anxious and not entirely sure they do want to something but they can’t articulate it to themselves (“obviously i must want to do this, it would be weird if i didn’t”) and certainly
not their parent

There will be decades and decades and decades for my 13 year old to lay his head wherever he wants.

For now? it would be a flat and immovable NO from me

Virusanxiety · 20/12/2023 07:25

Is the girl 13 too @user1496146479 ? If so, her parents are not keeping her safe. I would consider reporting it to the school or directly to social services tbh. I wish someone had done that for my sister and I.

curaçao · 20/12/2023 07:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
user1496146479 · 20/12/2023 09:46

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/12/2023 06:44

Are they Friends or bf/gf

You say it's the only person he hangs about with due to bullying

I wouldn't let him stay yet - i
I would want to meet her more. Get her round to yours for films

In time I would also want to meet parents

But no to staying

She is 12. He is 13

I had sleepovers at 12/13 but same sex friends

He refers to her as his girlfriend, he asked her out etc.

OP posts:
passiveaggressivenonsense · 20/12/2023 09:47

Say no, explain that he's too immature to be sexually active and why emotionally it's best to take things slow.
I did this with my DS in the same circumstances but also said if ever he had unprotected sex he should come and tell me straight away so we could support them getting the morning after pill . I'm glad I added this caveat to him because he did just that and I helped him and his GF talk to her mum and get the morning after pill.
So if they want to have sex they will but don't make it easy for them, explain why you're blocking him staying over but leave room for communication.

DidiAskYouThough · 20/12/2023 11:09

Virusanxiety · 20/12/2023 07:25

Is the girl 13 too @user1496146479 ? If so, her parents are not keeping her safe. I would consider reporting it to the school or directly to social services tbh. I wish someone had done that for my sister and I.

OP has said the child is 12.

Universalsnail · 20/12/2023 11:27

No.

I would say she can sleep at yours and then have them sleep on different rooms. I would be fine with it if they were sleeping in different rooms but tbh it doesn't sound like you can trust these parents to do that so I would host or not at all.

ManateeFair · 20/12/2023 11:29

This is an interesting one. I can completely see why you're horrified and what the obvious concern is. I also think, however, that it's perfectly likely that they're not considering sex at all and are literally just seeing this as a sleepover.

I definitely slept over at a male friend's house when I was around 12ish and there was absolutely nothing iffy about it whatsoever. I slept in his sister's room (she was away at uni) which wasn't even on the same floor as his room. But the circumstances were a bit different - firstly, I would have described him as my best friend rather than my boyfriend, and secondly, my mum and his mum had been close friends and neighbours since before we were born. And in fact, the reason I slept over was because my parents had been invited for a night away and my own (adult) siblings weren't available to keep an eye on me.

I think the fact that you don't know the girl's parents or the situation is such a big factor here; it just feels a lot more risky than it would if they were mates and you knew the family etc.

DidiAskYouThough · 20/12/2023 11:42

Universalsnail · 20/12/2023 11:27

No.

I would say she can sleep at yours and then have them sleep on different rooms. I would be fine with it if they were sleeping in different rooms but tbh it doesn't sound like you can trust these parents to do that so I would host or not at all.

You would accept responsibility for a 12yr old child sleeping over in your house and stay awake all night to ensure your son doesn’t have sex with her? Confused

Weepingskies · 20/12/2023 11:43

I agree I wouldn’t want to allow this. And I’m lucky enough to never have had this come up despite having a 16 year old DD. The only thing I find tricky is wondering how I would deal with it if she wanted a same sex partner to stay over. I’d like to think I wouldn’t treat a same sex partner differently to an opposite sex partner…
but would I refuse to let them stay over? If not why not - just because there’s no risk of pregnancy? In which case an opposite sex sleepover could happen if contraception sorted? And if I wouldn’t let her same sex partner stay does that mean I wouldn’t allow any sleepovers at all - which seems very restrictive and may bring its own problems. Tricky issues to navigate.

toddlermam · 20/12/2023 13:00

Not a chance in hell!

Tbh OP, sleepovers won't stop them from having sex if they're going to do it. My younger brother lost his virginity at 12 years old (to a 12 year old girl) and they never once had a sleepover, just hung out in the afternoons/evenings etc. So regardless of him sleeping there, try and have a talk with him beforehand about this topic. It's sad that it's something you'd even have to worry about with younger children!

randomusername2020 · 20/12/2023 13:37

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 20/12/2023 15:58

DidiAskYouThough · 20/12/2023 11:42

You would accept responsibility for a 12yr old child sleeping over in your house and stay awake all night to ensure your son doesn’t have sex with her? Confused

Show quote history

This Christmas I'll be staying in a cottage with two other families with a total of 6 kids of 12 and 13. (There were twins)

We'll be watching them like hawks but nobody will be staying awake overnight.

I don't think that's an unusual situation.

velvetoptions · 20/12/2023 16:19

@randomusername2020

As a teen, probably a similar age, I asked about sleeping over at a friends house who was male and had a similar response. I had no intention of anything like that, we were friends and wanted to hang out.

you can speak for yourself
but you can’t speak for him. Perhaps he was harbouring desire for something to happen and, had you been the same, this something would have happened

thebestinterest · 20/12/2023 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

someone who realizes that they are likely having sex!?!?!? How many 13,14 yr olds on hear are ending up pregnant????

ghlily · 20/12/2023 16:24

No way

randomusername2020 · 20/12/2023 16:32

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

velvetoptions · 20/12/2023 16:34

goodness i didn’t mean to annoy you! 😬

velvetoptions · 20/12/2023 16:36

had the boy you stayed over with been your boyfriend (as in the OP’s scenario) rather than your friend… then your experience may have been more relevant to the OP
bur the girlfriend / boyfriend dimension suggests attraction, which i’m sure you’ll agree does put a very different stance on the situation to a bona dose friendship 🤷‍♀️

velvetoptions · 20/12/2023 16:38

and it’s not “sad” to assume all teens are desperate for sex

Given the consequences of getting it wrong…. surely it’s sensible to base parental decisions re sleeping arrangements and teens describing themselves as girlfriends and boyfriends as very keen on having sex?

curaçao · 21/12/2023 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WorriedMum231 · 21/12/2023 17:50

Her parents are ok with it? That’s mental.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 21/12/2023 19:39

WorriedMum231 · 21/12/2023 17:50

Her parents are ok with it? That’s mental.

A 12yo on Snapchat said to a 13yo her parents are ok with it. 🙄

WorriedMum231 · 21/12/2023 20:41

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 21/12/2023 19:39

A 12yo on Snapchat said to a 13yo her parents are ok with it. 🙄

Show quote history

umm, thanks? 😂

Swipe left for the next trending thread