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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my partner lied to me again and therefore want to end it with him?

97 replies

Anawana · 19/12/2023 10:54

My partner and I are in our 30s and together for 10 months. We met online shortly after my divorce and it started off as a hookup. Quite quickly it turned into something serious.

At the beginning he was deceitful twice. One about his appearance - he only sent me a very old photo and he didn't look anything like it in person. Also about where he lives. He even faked a house move. When I asked him why and he said that it's because the fake address was closer to me in case it was an issue but it doesn't sound right as his actual address is only 5 minutes further than the fake one.

He still lives in the house he bought with his ex. She moved out over a year ago and stopped paying mortgage. It put financial strain on him and the house is on sale for over a year now.

They got an offer 20k under the original purchase price. Ex refused to pay anything if they go into negative equity. He called and asked my advice. As he's already losing money each month, I told him to consider the biggest hit he's willing to take alone and make a counter offer. I also told him that I'm happy to cover that loss when we buy a house together. He said he was going to counter it 5k less the original price. A couple of days later we met and he told me that he 'didn't hear back from the couple'. The next day we met his mum and she asked about it. He goes 'oh they offered 20k less than the original purchase price so I said no thanks'. So he didn't even counter their offer. I asked him afterwards and he said that he's really stressed and can't keep me in the loop with everything. He also said that now he's having to worry about our future together as well and doesn't feel complete autonomy over the decisions regarding the house. Well, I never commented on any of his decisions up uptil he called me and asked so not sure what he's on about!

My lease is up in 3 months. He wants me to move into that house. I have enough deposit saved up to buy a house on my own. If I did that though he'd break up with me as he does want to start a family with me.

I love him so much but at the same time I'm so tired of this mess. I want to get married again and have the kids that I always wanted. If I fully trusted him, I probably would but I really don't feel like waiting around for the house to sell. Am I being unreasonable to not trust him and if not, would you end with him if you were me?

OP posts:

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 19/12/2023 10:57

Nobody as in love as a man who needs an address.... He isn't trustworthy.. Be more choosey about who fertilises your precious eggs op....

Densol57 · 19/12/2023 10:59

He sounds like a complete loser OP. I wonder what else he is lying about ?

I presume you pay for most of the stuff as he "is under financial pressure"

Toomuchcawfee · 19/12/2023 11:00

So you’ve known him 10 months and he’s already lied on at least 3 occasions that you know of, keeping things from you, talking moving in, babies and trying to get you to commit to buying with him? Why are you still with him?

🚩

For the love of god don’t have kids with this man. He’s a walking red flag!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 19/12/2023 11:01

How can you be in love after only ten months with a man who was deceitful at the start?

Dump his arse and find someone honest whose life is a lot less complicated. This one isn’t worth the aggro

Quitelikeit · 19/12/2023 11:03

Why on earth would you cover the 20k loss?

Dotcheck · 19/12/2023 11:03

Dear god- he’s setting you up to scam you.
DO NOT buy a house with this man!!!

JadziaD · 19/12/2023 11:03

RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN.

Because I promise you, the lies you. know about are the tip of the ICEBERG. Things I'd be deeply suspicious about just based on your OP:

Is he really living in a house owned by him and his ex? I mean, does he actually live there? Does he own it? Does she part own it?

Is she really refusing to pay her share of the mortgage? if so, why? What is her side of this story (I bet he also refers to her as the crazy ex? Was she abusive? toxic? Damaged him?)

Why is the house still on the market 1 year later? Yes, property has taken a bit o fa downturn but for a house to be on the market for that long EITHER he's not really got it on the market OR it's on the market but for the wrong price etc and he's refusing to actually do it.

I'd also, like a PP, be interested in how much you currently fund him? I bet it's a lot.

If you move into this house, will it still be for sale? Who will own it? What does he want you to pay?

Knittedfairies2 · 19/12/2023 11:04

Run. Away. Now.

dontgobaconmyheart · 19/12/2023 11:06

10 months is nothing really, you barely know this man, and even less so because he is a proven liar.

He's a loser OP, you shouldn't be offering to 'make up a deficit' or join finances with someone like this at the best of times, let alone a man you've barely met who seems very keen for you do financially benefit him. We don't need to buy love and starting a family after less than a year with someone like him is not wise.

Tell him you're buying your own home in your own name, the only sensible choice here and see what he does. What do your friends and family think of him and your plans?

Whattodowithit88 · 19/12/2023 11:07

He thinks you’re a fool and is telling you whatever it is you need to hear. Don’t be a fool. You know this ain’t right and your gut is screaming at you!
Why can’t you buy your own place? Why is he giving such a strong ultimatum on that? Why would he break up with you? You know why, deep down. DO NOT BE THIS MANS FOOL!

This guy is using you, his no good. You already know this, go find someone better.

Nevermind31 · 19/12/2023 11:09

Why are you even contemplating moving in with him, never mind covering his loss????
buy your own house and make sure that he does not move in. He wants you to move in because he needs help with the mortgage.

Notimeforaname · 19/12/2023 11:09

I have enough deposit saved up to buy a house on my own. If I did that though he'd break up with me as he does want to start a family with me.

Wtf. Read this again.

You're together less than a year.
You got together quickly after divorce .
He will leave you if you buy a house by yourself.

I'm blinded by the red flags and thats not even half of them.

Original poster

Anawana · 19/12/2023 11:10

Just quickly, he makes almost double what I make. Though I'm currently left with more money after bills as he pays the whole mortgage each month but I never spend more than him when together. He still pays for most things but we never make plans where we'd need to spend a lot of money. We're very cautious and don't do much for fun at the minute.

OP posts:

Notimeforaname · 19/12/2023 11:10

Hes weird and a liar. Break up with him.

HippeePrincess · 19/12/2023 11:11

You should have run far and fast right at the beginning from this one. The second he was deceitful, which he did twice. He’s seeing how much you’ll put up with, then he’ll tear down all your boundaries, he’s already trying to manipulate you, he’ll spend all your money, destabilise you financially and mentally, trap you with a baby so you can’t leave him and treat you worse and worse, probably become abusive, because he knows you’ll put up with anything.
open your eyes and get some therapy. And don’t waste any more of your childbearing years on this one.
And for fuck sake protect your assets if you buy any property with anyone, and don’t get married again unless they bring equal assets to the table.

Xiaoxiong · 19/12/2023 11:12

He makes almost double what you make....and how do you know this after 10 months?

I also told him that I'm happy to cover that loss when we buy a house together.

Again, after 10 months this is lunacy. He is trying to get you to cover his mortgage and also get his hands on your deposit.

Original poster

Anawana · 19/12/2023 11:13

Also I'm putting words in his mouth, sorry!! I don't know that he'd break up with me if I bought my own house but I'd need to move north to get a house I like (rather than a flat in the expensive area we live in) and the plan has always been for us to rent together once the house was sold. As it's taking ages, he wants me to move in meanwhile. I'm not sure if he'd be happy with the change of plans is all I'm saying.

OP posts:

Xiaoxiong · 19/12/2023 11:13

Even without the lies and red flags it's pretty clear that you have very VERY different attitudes to money, if you've managed to save a deposit while renting and he's trying to get you to move in to subsidise his lifestyle while earning twice your salary.

This is not a life partner.

Melonely · 19/12/2023 11:13

I voted yabu because quite frankly yabu contemplating staying with someone like this

Winniespooh · 19/12/2023 11:14

So when he turned up the first date and looked completely different and said he lived somewhere else, you just went "ok, he seems fine"....

Ditch him, raise your damn bar.

Toomuchcawfee · 19/12/2023 11:18

You said in your title you want to end it with him. I think you are not being unreasonable to want to do this.

AlisonDonut · 19/12/2023 11:19

For fucks sake.

OldTinHat · 19/12/2023 11:20

⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️ the hills are that way >>>

piscofrisco · 19/12/2023 11:22

Red what you've written. Does he sound a bit shady? Yes he does. Do not commit yourself financially to this man who is a proven (and about inexplicable things) liar.

WhichOneGoes · 19/12/2023 11:23

This man sounds dodgy - and you've ok been dating for 10months. I'd find someone I could trust.

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