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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my partner lied to me again and therefore want to end it with him?

97 replies

Anawana · 19/12/2023 10:54

My partner and I are in our 30s and together for 10 months. We met online shortly after my divorce and it started off as a hookup. Quite quickly it turned into something serious.

At the beginning he was deceitful twice. One about his appearance - he only sent me a very old photo and he didn't look anything like it in person. Also about where he lives. He even faked a house move. When I asked him why and he said that it's because the fake address was closer to me in case it was an issue but it doesn't sound right as his actual address is only 5 minutes further than the fake one.

He still lives in the house he bought with his ex. She moved out over a year ago and stopped paying mortgage. It put financial strain on him and the house is on sale for over a year now.

They got an offer 20k under the original purchase price. Ex refused to pay anything if they go into negative equity. He called and asked my advice. As he's already losing money each month, I told him to consider the biggest hit he's willing to take alone and make a counter offer. I also told him that I'm happy to cover that loss when we buy a house together. He said he was going to counter it 5k less the original price. A couple of days later we met and he told me that he 'didn't hear back from the couple'. The next day we met his mum and she asked about it. He goes 'oh they offered 20k less than the original purchase price so I said no thanks'. So he didn't even counter their offer. I asked him afterwards and he said that he's really stressed and can't keep me in the loop with everything. He also said that now he's having to worry about our future together as well and doesn't feel complete autonomy over the decisions regarding the house. Well, I never commented on any of his decisions up uptil he called me and asked so not sure what he's on about!

My lease is up in 3 months. He wants me to move into that house. I have enough deposit saved up to buy a house on my own. If I did that though he'd break up with me as he does want to start a family with me.

I love him so much but at the same time I'm so tired of this mess. I want to get married again and have the kids that I always wanted. If I fully trusted him, I probably would but I really don't feel like waiting around for the house to sell. Am I being unreasonable to not trust him and if not, would you end with him if you were me?

OP posts:
MILTOBE · 19/12/2023 12:12

You are in such a fantastic position and if you stay with this man you'll lose everything. Don't do it!

Terrribletwos · 19/12/2023 12:13

Blinded by "love"!?! I have been there and don't like to see other people falling for obvious chancers!

itisgettinghardto · 19/12/2023 12:14

Buy your own home! If this relationship is meant to be then he'll still want to see you and be pleased for you. He may need to wait to sell his place and downsize but that's not your problem. He sounds slippery, do not tie yourself to him so early in your already shaky relationship, if ever!

unsync · 19/12/2023 12:26

He's not trustworthy. You cannot have children with this man, he is not father material. It sounds like your desperation for children is clouding your judgement.

Did you take any time to sort yourself out after your divorce? It's brutal and damaging, and it takes time to get over. Otherwise you risk repeating the same mistakes.

Mischance · 19/12/2023 12:31

If you want to end it with him as per thread title, then end it with him. Simple - end of.

MistletoeandJd · 19/12/2023 12:34

At 10 months in...

Lies.
Lovebombing.
Manipulation.
probably even some gaslighting and deflection in there

Would give this one a hard and fast swerve

MistletoeandJd · 19/12/2023 12:35

Even your own posts are showing that he's about to ruin your life look closely between the lines of your thinking around this man ?

Original poster
Anawana · 19/12/2023 12:46

unsync · 19/12/2023 12:26

He's not trustworthy. You cannot have children with this man, he is not father material. It sounds like your desperation for children is clouding your judgement.

Did you take any time to sort yourself out after your divorce? It's brutal and damaging, and it takes time to get over. Otherwise you risk repeating the same mistakes.

This comment made me cry. I think it is exactly that. Never took proper time after my divorce and my strong desire for having kids is clouding my judgement.

OP posts:
hashbrownsandwich · 19/12/2023 12:48

Christ OP do not buy a house or breed with this man! You'd be better off with a sperm donor if you really want kids and can't wait.
Give yourself the best Christmas present you can - a good dose of self respect and start the new year free of this idiot!

cheddercherry · 19/12/2023 12:59

Run for the hills and build a Great Wall.

cheddercherry · 19/12/2023 13:01

Seriously trust that little voice at the back of your head. If you just blocked his number right this second I imagine the feeling would be…. Relief? A weight lifting? That would tell you everything.

I’m so sorry that you want children, but be honest with yourself do you really want HIS children?

MistletoeandJd · 19/12/2023 13:01

The yearning to be a mum is painful I understand that and you absolutely deserve to be a mother ! Not sure what happened in previous marriage but I would imagine having to start again now feels like you were short changed. I see also that a second marriage is something you also want but you can't just hope to bounce into this. I think you need to sit down and take on the idea of spern donation or egg freezing or at least an appointment to figure out where you personaly are .

Some ladies would happily have babies in 40s, some see 35 as cut off some as low as 30. Where are you on this scale ?

Seeking a marriage and then children is going to be rushed And as pp said you need to heal and that in itself takes time.
Deciding to have a child solo means you're going to have to dedicate the next fair few years to that and put a second marriage on the back burner.
Deciding to pursue a relationship to have a traditional family means you'll have to work on yourself first then find someone healthy ( believe or not the nice ones pop up out of the blue when you aren't expecting them ) build the foundations of that then proceed with kids. If you can give yourself say a 5 year time frame there is every chance perfection could just fall into your lap. This one is a rebound and a false hope I think you already know that that's why you posted because your gut knew =(

Poufpastry · 19/12/2023 13:03

FFS op - run and don't stop. Or you'll be back on here in a year or so telling us how he's screwed you over and you're pregnant and trapped.

millymog11 · 19/12/2023 13:04

"I also told him that I'm happy to cover that loss when we buy a house together."

You said the above to him after dating him for 10 months???

Bumblebeestiltskin · 19/12/2023 13:05

Why are you planning on buying a house together after only 10 months? Particularly when he has form for lying.

Sugarsun · 19/12/2023 13:09

I also told him that I'm happy to cover that loss when we buy a house together.

YABU
Slow down!!

Its only been 10 months and you’ve not that long been divorced, yet you’re already talking about covering his financial loses, moving in, kids and worrying he’s going to break up with you if you don’t do what he says.
On top of that he’s told you at least 2 lies.

You need to slow right down.
You need to buy your own place and he needs to buy his own place.

If in the future you want to move in together then do so. But it’s not the right time right now.

How old are you both?

Original poster
Anawana · 19/12/2023 13:15

Buying a house together is not something imminent. We were to rent together for at least 6 months once my lease is up 3 months later. Or now he wants me to move into his house but regardless we wouldn't buy a house for at least another year.

@MistletoeandJd thanks so much for your understanding. I will definitely consider your points regarding the motherhood. I hope one day I can become a mother x

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 19/12/2023 13:19

You should have left when he lied about his address. You cannot trust this man and you absolutely shouldn’t be entangling yourself financially with him, especially if you’re feeling vulnerable after your divorce. Have you done any work on your self esteem? I highly recommend the book overcoming low self esteem.

KnittingKnewbie · 19/12/2023 13:20

I read that you are together ten months. He's not a partner, he's a boyfriend. You can finish a relationship any time you want for any reason or none

gamerchick · 19/12/2023 13:22

Anawana · 19/12/2023 11:36

NOT trying to defend him but him asking me to move in was not a part of a wider scam. I told him my boundary was to get married before kids and he told me his boundary was for us to live together for at least 6 months before getting married. Our original plan was for us to rent together once the house was sold but as it's taking ages and we're not sure how long more and soon my current place's contract will be over he suggested that I move in.

Only part didn't sit well with me was initially he told me that in no good conscience he could charge me rent and indirectly cover his ex's mortgage. I didn't tell him that but I told myself I'm not a free loader and I would definitely contribute. 2 weeks later he was acting very depressed and down. He told me he was struggling. I then told him that I would contribute towards his mortgage and he accepted it.

Lol can you not see what we're seeing OP? I'm struggling to believe you can't see it

FedUpMumof10YO · 19/12/2023 13:23

Next level stupid. Sorry. Wise up. And quick.

Whiskerson · 19/12/2023 13:26

At the beginning he was deceitful twice. One about his appearance - he only sent me a very old photo and he didn't look anything like it in person. Also about where he lives. He even faked a house move. When I asked him why and he said that it's because the fake address was closer to me in case it was an issue but it doesn't sound right as his actual address is only 5 minutes further than the fake one.

This is mad, and I didn't need to read any further than this to know that this is someone you would be MAD to stay with. He's a liar. It's in his bones. He thinks it's normal. He is a liar and you will never, ever be able to trust him. And it might corrupt you too.

JadziaD · 19/12/2023 13:49

Why is it hard for you to see that he'll basically say or do whatever he thinks you want to hear and then, when you find out, he'll turn it back on you as a "I just wanted to be with you so much".

You say he doesn't freeload, great. But what about the other questions about why the house is still on the market, is his ex "crazy", why isn't she paying the mortgage, etc etc. This whole thing is ridiculous.

Echobelly · 19/12/2023 13:56

There's way too many things that are worrying here. Given other lies he's told can you even be sure he does earn twice as much as you? Especially as he's apparently given up paying mortgage on his place. Why do desperate for you to move to his place? Why won't he countenance you just buying your own place?

It all sounds like he wants you to solve his money/housing problem I'm afraid. In your position I would go ahead and buy a place yourself and keeping him well out of the transaction.

DropDeadFreida · 19/12/2023 13:59

There are so many red flags here OP.

You've already caught him out on big, big lies.
He's playing the "bitch ex" card.
He's reeling you in with his financial woes.
He's already managed to manipulate you enough for you to offer to cover his financial losses.

All in 10 months! This should be the fun, carefree honeymoon period. You should be looking forward to the next date, not be spending time with him and his mother discussing his finances!

Get your guard back up and have a word with yourself.