To not invite a friend to his birthday party?

[NoMoreCoffeePlease]

DS(8) has a small number of friends in his school, and his birthday is coming up. He has said that he doesn't want to invite one of his friends, Tom. But Tom recently did invite DS to his party, so it seems rude to not invite him back. Moreover, I know his mum from the school runs; we often chat while waiting for the boys to come out, so it would be awkward.

DS' reason for not wanting to invite Tom, is that he sometimes uses swear words and DS doesn't want his little brother to hear these (though I'm sure he hears worse in the playground anyway), but more importantly, that Tom keeps saying 'your mum is fat'. (I'm not, but that doesn't matter).

I told DS that I wouldn't invite Tom, and I haven't yet. But I have honestly no idea whether I am making a mistake by breaking 'birthday etiquette'. Also wondering how to tell his mum.

AIBU - Invite Tom.
AINBU - Don't invite Tom.

I don’t think you need to say anything to the mum, DS can invite (or not) who he likes.

I would tell the mom exactly what your DS said as a reason.

Don't invite him. Your son doesn't want him there. This isn't fair on your DS or on Tom as if you invite and spoil your sons party as he is cross Tom is there then you'll be annoyed and Tom will be embarrassed.

Just tell the mother this. No big deal they are 8.

For me it would depend on the numbers invited/not invited.

I would not leave one child out just because they have had a temporary falling out, especially if I knew the parent.

I teach that age group - one week it's 'you're not coming to my party' and the following week they're best friends.

I know everyone says that the birthday child can invite who they like but I don't think there's anything wrong with teaching children that it's hurtful to leave out one friend.

And if you dig into it you'll probably find that, whilst Tom swears and says you're fat, your ds has probably said or done similar to Tom too.

Your son has given very valid reasons why he doesn’t want Tom there.

if you invite Tom your son may feel his feelings / opinions, in situations that directly affect him, are valid / don’t matter to you.

if Tom’s mum questions why Tom isn’t invited you can explain to her the reasons yours DS gave and as it is his party you wanted to respect his decision.

Similar situation for DD's up coming birthday party. I have gone with her wishes and only invited who she wanted, it is her birthday after all, although i do feel a little uncomfortable about it

You can't really do "inviting back" for parties at this age.
Mainly because this means that children who are old in the year will end up with the monopoly on parties, and children whose parents can't afford them, won't get invited to any.

As long as Tom isn't the only boy not invited, your DC's reasons for not wanting him are perfectly valid. Mostly it sounds like Tom is not really a friend and it's good he's realised that.

I will meet Tom's mum at the school pickup today, and I feel compelled to say something. Right now my thinking is to say that they've fallen out, and hope she will forgive me. 😂

I will meet Tom's mum at the school pickup today, and I feel compelled to say something.

What good do you think will come of this?

Honestly - just don't.

You need to separate your friendship with an adult, with your children's friendships.

It's not up to another parent to "forgive you" because your children aren't friends. You don't need to explain. This is only awkward if you make it so.

I used to feel the same as you but after a really horrid time when some girls ganged up on my daughter even though she'd asked me not to invite one of them, I never interfered again. If he is the only boy in the class not invited then that's different, bit otherwise let your ds choose and you will have to sit through the social discomfort instead of him having to.

Just don’t invite him 🤷🏻‍♀️
It’s your ds’s party, why would you invite a kid he doesn’t want there?
And don’t say anything to the other kid’s Mum! Why stir the shit for no reason?

I think it's cruel to not invite one out of a circle of friends. Just tell your son that it's not nice to not invite Tom particularly since he invited your DS, as said above they will probably be best friends again by the day and your DS will be saying why isn't Tom here? Your friendship with Tom's mum is entirely based on your DS and Tom being friends it won't survive their fall out if it becomes permanent.

I would say to the mum that they seem to have fallen out over something and your son doesn't want to invite him. You can do the old 'you know what kids are like and they will probably be friends next week'. Hopefully she will mention this to her son who might well reflect on how he says mean things to your son.

I wouldn’t do this. It starts an ongoing feud where there was only a temporary annoyance. It will lead to permanent falling out.

Maybe I should ask my son again tonight, and not mention anything to his mum today? There's only one day left till they break up for Christmas.

Should also mention that I feel a bit socially awkward at the best of times, so this doesn't help. 🙂

If its a small number of friends and not a whole class party it's fine. Don't even mention it.

He is inviting 6 or 7 boys total from different settings, not the whole class. But Tom will definitely find out that he isn't invited, as they all play together.

As an adult would you invite someone to your house who called your mum fat all the time and swore in front of your kids?
I'd listen to him personally. It's his party, he doesn't want the kid there for valid reasons. Double check with him later on, but listen to him.

I’d listen to him, otherwise won’t he feel like when he tells you someone’s hurt him or made him uncomfortable, you’d rather not offend them/ their mum rather than make him comfortable.

Beyond that the truth is always there if he/ his mum asks why he’s not invited. Put simply: he said some things that really upset my son and we didn’t want an upset on his birthday.

My issue is that your DS gave valid reasons.

Tell Tom's mum the reasons.

No - tell your son that what Tom said isn't nice and that you hope your son isn't unkind about other people like that, that calling people fat is rude and besides people come in all shapes and sizes. Then say sometimes people use bad language or are rude because they think it's funny or they are still learning, and ask if he thinks Tom is a bit like that and you'll know whether your son has a big problem with Tom or is just momentarily annoyed.
Tbh Tom sounds like a bit of a dick.

He’s 8, he’s fickle. Unless it was bullying I would invite. Not inviting seems to be a way to annoy and hurt Tom feelings which may in turn extend the unkindness. It seems like a whole lot of potential upset to cause when they’ll be playing together again in no time.

Jesus. Toms 8 love.

100% agree.