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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite a friend to his birthday party?

130 replies

NoMoreCoffeePlease · 19/12/2023 09:59

DS(8) has a small number of friends in his school, and his birthday is coming up. He has said that he doesn't want to invite one of his friends, Tom. But Tom recently did invite DS to his party, so it seems rude to not invite him back. Moreover, I know his mum from the school runs; we often chat while waiting for the boys to come out, so it would be awkward.

DS' reason for not wanting to invite Tom, is that he sometimes uses swear words and DS doesn't want his little brother to hear these (though I'm sure he hears worse in the playground anyway), but more importantly, that Tom keeps saying 'your mum is fat'. (I'm not, but that doesn't matter).

I told DS that I wouldn't invite Tom, and I haven't yet. But I have honestly no idea whether I am making a mistake by breaking 'birthday etiquette'. Also wondering how to tell his mum.

AIBU - Invite Tom.
AINBU - Don't invite Tom.

OP posts:
DinoDays · 19/12/2023 16:27

He's a wee boy with SEN who needs to know his mum is listening to him.

Give him that respect.

Original poster
NoMoreCoffeePlease · 19/12/2023 16:29

DinoDays · 19/12/2023 16:27

He's a wee boy with SEN who needs to know his mum is listening to him.

Give him that respect.

My DS(8) doesn't have SEN, but Tom does (he is a bit impulsive, but managing), and so does my other son, DS' younger brother. 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
NoMoreCoffeePlease · 19/12/2023 16:34

I think I mentioned it before, but I'm socially awkward myself, and indeed a strong believer in kindness. My DS(8), is a very kind boy as far as I know (always the first to befriend new kids or those who are left out), but he does feel strongly about swearing being wrong, and I can't see him being very pleased about Tom insulting me. I have no reason to believe he is lying about those things.

OP posts:
jennylamb1 · 19/12/2023 16:35

I think because of the SEN I would give Tom the benefit of the doubt and invite him this year, maybe have a little chat with your son about it. If they really are falling out he still wouldn't have to but this time I would just got for it.

luckylavender · 19/12/2023 16:37

When DS was 5 or 6, he had a Party and wanted to invite the whole class except one girl. I told him that wasn't on to exclude one child & insisted she was invited. Honestly she was terrible. My parents caught her going through all the party bags looking for the biggest slice of cake and asked her to stop. She bit my father's hand & drew blood. DS has never let me live it down.

WaitingForMojo · 19/12/2023 17:00

Does your son fully understand that Tom will no longer be his friend if he chooses not to invite him, and the level of hurt it will cause?

I agree with respecting our children’s wishes but in this situation I would definitely guide them to understand how hurtful it could be.

WaitingForMojo · 19/12/2023 17:03

Is the swearing part of his SEN? A verbal tic, or impulsivity, or stimming? Does Tom understand the implications of ‘your mum is fat’?

I really think you might live to regret this decision op and that other children’s parents might side with Tom, and it could have really negative social implications for your ds that persist through the whole of primary.

electriclight · 19/12/2023 17:05

I'm a teacher and saw something similar play out wonderfully.

The Tom character was left out and very hurt, as was his mum.

Tom then had the coolest possible party and invited everyone except the party boy who excluded him. It was great watching him beg for an invite.

EarthlyNightshade · 19/12/2023 17:09

electriclight · 19/12/2023 17:05

I'm a teacher and saw something similar play out wonderfully.

The Tom character was left out and very hurt, as was his mum.

Tom then had the coolest possible party and invited everyone except the party boy who excluded him. It was great watching him beg for an invite.

It's a bit concerning that you are a teacher and think that that is an example of playing out wonderfully.
Leaving out one child is completely different to having a small party and only inviting a few.

Needhelpsupport · 19/12/2023 17:11

My son was part of a group of boys who were always playing together. One year my son wasn’t invited to one of their parties and all the others were . Son was very bewildered and I was quite pissed off that there was absolutely no explanation offered ! Thought the Mum might have had the humanity to give me the heads up ,but was never forthcoming 🤷‍♀️
This was over 15 years ago and I still wonder when I see her around the village.

WaitingForMojo · 19/12/2023 17:25

Yeah, this won’t be forgotten. And i don’t think other parents will be impressed. You’ll probably find your ds excluded.

It seems really ott. And much, much worse than what your son feels Tom has done. Saying ‘I don’t want to spend time with you while you’re making hurtful comments’ and ‘i don’t like it when you swear’ would be enough. Excluding him from a party that the rest of his friendship group are invited to is just mean and calculated. Whereas Tom’s behaviour is just impulsive rather than malicious. An eight year old won’t understand the subtleties and that’s why adults have to step in. IMO.

huggyduggy54 · 19/12/2023 17:37

Kids say stupid things to each other all the time but doesn't mean they won't be friends again the next day. I think it's sad to invite a friendship group and leave out one child out. I think you need to think whether you/your son would be ok with it if he was the only not invited from the friendship group and go from there.

Crazycrazylady · 19/12/2023 18:28

See I don't agree with all this respect his boundaries bit at the expense of being kind.
If he leaves this boy out, he will be hurt and his mother will also be hurt on his behalf. Your son plays with him in school but just doesn't want to invite him to his party so clearly they get on fairly well
I'd explain to your son that it will hurt Tom's feelings to be excluded like this and maybe it would be kind to invite him to what in effect is a two hour event.
Kids with sen in the main have a tougher journey through school and if there was anything small I could do to make it a little easier for him, then I would do it.

SandyWaves · 19/12/2023 19:15

NoMoreCoffeePlease · 19/12/2023 15:34

Full disclosure: Tom has some additional needs. Just didn't want this post to be too identifying.

Bingo. Why not just say that this is the reason you don't want to invite Tom.

Then you have a child with additional needs ..you sure?

MoonRiverDancing · 19/12/2023 19:31

My child was the one never invited to anything once the whole class parties stopped and no one came to his either - luckily I could fill it with kids of my friends who were a similar age. It was a little sad but I didn’t think anyone should have behaved differently. I think it’s important children learn that their feelings and wishes are valid. An 8 year old gets to decide themselves who to invite. If it has unexpected consequences for them then that is a good life lesson too.

Original poster
NoMoreCoffeePlease · 19/12/2023 20:21

Thank you to everyone who provided advice! It was really useful to read all your opinions, there seems to have been a 50%-50% divide, so no wonder I felt so conflicted 😊

(And to those who attacked me for asking for advice on what to do, suggesting I didn't invite him because of SEN and even questioning whether I actually have a SEN child myself: I am sorry if you have had a negative experience in the past that you recognised me in, but remember I'm not whoever hurt you back then; just someone on the internet asking for guidance.)

Tonight I had another chat with DS and explained how hurt Tom would feel about not being invited (as it had happened to DS too a few times before, he empathised). I asked him to reconsider his decision not to invite Tom, and understand that Tom is a bit like his little brother, and can sometimes say things he doesn't mean. DS then changed his mind and said that he'd be happy for Tom to join after all.

So long story short - I already had the invitation ready, and DS will give this to Tom in school tomorrow. I don't feel I pressured DS into inviting Tom, and I am happy that Tom won't feel left out.

OP posts:
jennylamb1 · 19/12/2023 20:26

That's good. There are a huge amount of well-meaning genuine people on here and unfortunately there is also the odd troll/other. Glad that you have taken advice and made your own decision in partnership with your lovely son. SmileSmile

WaitingForMojo · 19/12/2023 20:35

That sounds like a very good outcome.

MsAnnFrope · 20/12/2023 08:15

That sounds like the best possible outcome. I hope you have a really lovely party.

DinoDays · 20/12/2023 08:33

You've made a storm in a teacup into a huge drama. Poor son. You're just passing on your social anxiety onto him because he was pressured by his mum to do something he didn't want to do so she didn't feel uncomfortable in the playground.

Your son didn't want Tom to come, you bullied him into it.

RenoDakota · 20/12/2023 09:01

That is a great update, OP.

Janiie · 20/12/2023 09:06

Glad he's been invited.

You should ask your ds if he didn't like him why did he go to his party?!

slithytoveisascientist · 20/12/2023 09:19

I don't think this is fair on your son

I remember having to invite children I didn't want at my party. It just taught me my thoughts feelings and wishes didn't matter. That my birthday wasn't special or for me.

Of course he changed his mind, you asked him to reconsider! You've said he is a kind boy, does kind mean people pleasing? He has probably done what he thought you wanted.

If Tom had a party would you be ok with DS not being invited? That should give you your answer about inviting Tom.

Original poster
NoMoreCoffeePlease · 20/12/2023 09:30

🙂Thank you for the kind messages, to those who are happy with the outcome. There was never going to be a result that would have pleased everyone, so to those who think I've made a mistake, I hear you, but this is what it is. For what it's worth, DS is just as happy a child as he was before, full of love, kindness and laughs. I will try to remember to post an update about how it all went down after the party! Till then, Merry Christmas 🙂

OP posts:
EarthlyNightshade · 20/12/2023 09:43

slithytoveisascientist · 20/12/2023 09:19

I don't think this is fair on your son

I remember having to invite children I didn't want at my party. It just taught me my thoughts feelings and wishes didn't matter. That my birthday wasn't special or for me.

Of course he changed his mind, you asked him to reconsider! You've said he is a kind boy, does kind mean people pleasing? He has probably done what he thought you wanted.

If Tom had a party would you be ok with DS not being invited? That should give you your answer about inviting Tom.

He went to Tom's party.
Maybe if DS had strong opinions about it, he shouldn't have gone.

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