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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite a friend to his birthday party?

130 replies

NoMoreCoffeePlease · 19/12/2023 09:59

DS(8) has a small number of friends in his school, and his birthday is coming up. He has said that he doesn't want to invite one of his friends, Tom. But Tom recently did invite DS to his party, so it seems rude to not invite him back. Moreover, I know his mum from the school runs; we often chat while waiting for the boys to come out, so it would be awkward.

DS' reason for not wanting to invite Tom, is that he sometimes uses swear words and DS doesn't want his little brother to hear these (though I'm sure he hears worse in the playground anyway), but more importantly, that Tom keeps saying 'your mum is fat'. (I'm not, but that doesn't matter).

I told DS that I wouldn't invite Tom, and I haven't yet. But I have honestly no idea whether I am making a mistake by breaking 'birthday etiquette'. Also wondering how to tell his mum.

AIBU - Invite Tom.
AINBU - Don't invite Tom.

OP posts:
archerzz · 19/12/2023 14:56

Don't invite him. If his mom mentions it, share the reason why. Don't overthink this :)

EarthlyNightshade · 19/12/2023 14:57

I would totally allow DS to invite who he wants but I would not make this bigger than it is by telling the mum the reason.
Had a similar situation with my DS. He didn't invite his Tom (it was a small party so easy to do), Tom ended up his best friend for the next two years and invited everywhere so I was quite glad I had not told Tom's mum what was said.

Lastexmouse · 19/12/2023 15:08

Hmm I wouldn't tell the mum the reasons.

It sounds like the sort of things an 8yo would invent to get out of inviting someone he doesn't like. If he liked Tom surely he would just tell him not to swear, etc.

DoDoDoD · 19/12/2023 15:17

WorriedMum231 · 19/12/2023 14:44

Jesus. Toms 8 love.

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So? Do you mean 8 isn't old enough to learn to be kind and polite? Jesus.

WorriedMum231 · 19/12/2023 15:31

DoDoDoD · 19/12/2023 15:17

So? Do you mean 8 isn't old enough to learn to be kind and polite? Jesus.

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I don’t think you’re the one to be preaching about being kind and polite! You just called an 8 year old a dick!

Original poster
NoMoreCoffeePlease · 19/12/2023 15:32

Update: Tom's mum wasn't there (and I also didn't see Tom), so I didn't get to speak with her (or not speak with her.)

I asked DS if Tom was still his friend. DS said "yes, just not an invite-to-birthday friend". He is still certain he doesn't want Tom there.

Tomorrow is the last day before the school holiday, and although DS is only 8, I love him and want to respect his opinion in this case, as it's his birthday not mine, and I won't go against his wishes, awkward as it is. I may or may not speak with Tom's mum tomorrow, haven't quite decided yet, I still feel like I must apologise somehow.

OP posts:
WorriedMum231 · 19/12/2023 15:34

NoMoreCoffeePlease · 19/12/2023 15:32

Update: Tom's mum wasn't there (and I also didn't see Tom), so I didn't get to speak with her (or not speak with her.)

I asked DS if Tom was still his friend. DS said "yes, just not an invite-to-birthday friend". He is still certain he doesn't want Tom there.

Tomorrow is the last day before the school holiday, and although DS is only 8, I love him and want to respect his opinion in this case, as it's his birthday not mine, and I won't go against his wishes, awkward as it is. I may or may not speak with Tom's mum tomorrow, haven't quite decided yet, I still feel like I must apologise somehow.

Edited

How would you and DS feel the other way round? I really feel for Tom & his Mum when she sees the very hurt feelings. This is unkind and as the grown up, it’s on you.

Original poster
NoMoreCoffeePlease · 19/12/2023 15:34

Full disclosure: Tom has some additional needs. Just didn't want this post to be too identifying.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoMoreCoffeePlease · 19/12/2023 15:35

WorriedMum231 · 19/12/2023 15:34

How would you and DS feel the other way round? I really feel for Tom & his Mum when she sees the very hurt feelings. This is unkind and as the grown up, it’s on you.

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Maybe you are right, and this is the exact thing I've been wrestling with morally. But I would also feel bad for inviting someone who is not wanted.

OP posts:
WorriedMum231 · 19/12/2023 15:35

NoMoreCoffeePlease · 19/12/2023 15:34

Full disclosure: Tom has some additional needs. Just didn't want this post to be too identifying.

jesus. Are you honestly not inviting him? Have a word with yourself. How awful.

Original poster
NoMoreCoffeePlease · 19/12/2023 15:38

I respect your opinion, @WorriedMum231, and in your case you would do it differently, clearly. But I also believe that people should not be treated differently based on their additional needs (which are minor, I must add), which would just make them feel like we take pity on him.

OP posts:
Youcancallmeirrelevant · 19/12/2023 15:40

Unless you're doing a whole class party obviously you only invite the children youe child wants to their party. Why would you spend money on inviting a child your son doesn't want there.

You don't need to say anything to the mum, or if you do want to just say limited numbers or something

RenoDakota · 19/12/2023 15:40

Going against the grain here (and with a new perspective after your update) - I think I would try and gently persuade him to invite Tom.
Poor Tom and poor mum if he doesn't get an invite. Seems a bit mean, especially as they are only eight.

WorriedMum231 · 19/12/2023 15:42

NoMoreCoffeePlease · 19/12/2023 15:38

I respect your opinion, @WorriedMum231, and in your case you would do it differently, clearly. But I also believe that people should not be treated differently based on their additional needs (which are minor, I must add), which would just make them feel like we take pity on him.

I guess my heart just breaks for him. And his Mum, as a Mother of additional needs myself. In fact, my son was just crying in the car about people being mean so I guess I’m stuck on the other side.

Original poster
NoMoreCoffeePlease · 19/12/2023 15:44

I will try to have another chat with DS before bedtime tonight. So far he's been steadfast in his opinion.

Fuller disclosure: I have another son with additional needs, much like Tom's, so maybe this is why I'm overthinking it.

OP posts:
BombaySamphire · 19/12/2023 15:51

NoMoreCoffeePlease · 19/12/2023 15:34

Full disclosure: Tom has some additional needs. Just didn't want this post to be too identifying.

Well, that’s quite the drip feed.
And no more “identifying” than it would have been if included in your op 🙄

Original poster
NoMoreCoffeePlease · 19/12/2023 15:53

Sorry for dripfeeding, I did not realise it made much of a difference. Tom is a pretty normal child, he can just be a bit impulsive. I have never believed my own son should be treated differently (when it comes to certain types of behaviour), and nor did I think Tom should be. I guess this is a whole other topic!

OP posts:
Original poster
NoMoreCoffeePlease · 19/12/2023 15:54

But I am listening to everyone's opinions trying to decide what's wrong and right in this case. So if you believe this does make a difference, I would be interested in knowing that, too.

OP posts:
jennylamb1 · 19/12/2023 16:02

Just invite Tom, as others have said kids that age fall out and then make up all the time and it's a good lesson in compassion and olive branches. It sounds like the kids all play in the same gang and get on generally. I would talk to your DS about being kind this time and if he feels the same for his next birthday he doesn't have to invite him.

cheddercherry · 19/12/2023 16:04

Surely the crux is that this isn’t a mere one of falling out though? (which I agree could be smoothed over) but rather that he has repeatedly upset your son, and has often used words your son has taken issue with and your son is consistently saying he does not like him. You could argue that while they share a group of friends your son seems to be sure that he, himself, does not consider him a friend TO HIM.

I don’t therefore think it’s awful or cruel, some people get on and some people don’t? As time has gone on your son and this boy are clashing and your son has decided he’s not someone he’d like to spend time if he got a choice (and your birthday party is probably THE time you should get a veto on the guest list). You shouldn’t have to put with with someone repeatedly insulting your family and upsetting you and just because you’re 8 doesn’t alter that fact.

jennylamb1 · 19/12/2023 16:05

Also you can apologise to the other mum who sounds nice, but she will still feel sad for her son whatever you say. Kids of your DS's age can be a little fickle and are still developing emotional maturity (mine definitely was!) and like I said tell him he doesn't have to next year if he still feels strongly about it.

Autumnleaves89 · 19/12/2023 16:05

Invite him. They’ll be mates again in a few days. I think your son is being mean and spiteful (as most kids can be at times). Not buying for a minute that he wants to protect his brother from hearing swear words 🙄

MsAnnFrope · 19/12/2023 16:21

Interesting @Autumnleaves89 that you can believe the best of “Tom” but not the Ops son. Not exactly a balanced view.
OP if your son can clearly and repeatedly articulate why he doesn’t want him there then by forcing him to invite him you are telling him his feelings don’t matter.
If it was a whole class party then I wouldn’t leave a child out but a small one then I think it is ok.
I wouldn’t feel I had to apologise or explain to the other mum unless she raised it with me. Then I would probably just say they aren’t really getting on at the moment. No need to over explain.

LookItsMeAgain · 19/12/2023 16:22

Your son doesn't want Tom at his party. You're not inviting the whole class so you are already not including others that are in his class at school. Tom is just one of those boys now.

Please respect your son's opinion.

Kids don't get along and what is equally possible is that in a few months time neither boy will be speaking to each other or else they could be back to being best mates. It's just a party and I for one do think that you're over thinking who does/doesn't get to be invited.

If either of Tom's parents ask you about the party you could say that you understood that they weren't getting along at the moment and you didn't want to force anything, that you're sorry if you misunderstood the situation.

If at that point your son and Tom are getting along better, you can always have Tom over after school but again, nothing is being forced here.

DinoDays · 19/12/2023 16:25

Blimey you're overthinking this!

Your son doesn't want Tom at his party, whether it's true what Tom said isn't relevant. Personally I'd take that with a pinch of salt. But ...

YOUR SON DOESN'T WANT TOM AT HIS PARTY

Why are you forcing him? Because of some "Be Kind" nonsense.

Be kind to your son and listen to him!! He doesn't want Tom at his party!! Why are you forcing him?

Yes it would be polite to invite back, and explain why, which you have. He still doesn't want to invite Tom.

Don't tell the mum anything, if she is rude enough to ask why Tom isn't invited, just say "Who knows! 8 year olds eh?"

You're trying yourself up in knots over nothing. Next year you won't even remember this post.