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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite a friend to his birthday party?

130 replies

NoMoreCoffeePlease · 19/12/2023 09:59

DS(8) has a small number of friends in his school, and his birthday is coming up. He has said that he doesn't want to invite one of his friends, Tom. But Tom recently did invite DS to his party, so it seems rude to not invite him back. Moreover, I know his mum from the school runs; we often chat while waiting for the boys to come out, so it would be awkward.

DS' reason for not wanting to invite Tom, is that he sometimes uses swear words and DS doesn't want his little brother to hear these (though I'm sure he hears worse in the playground anyway), but more importantly, that Tom keeps saying 'your mum is fat'. (I'm not, but that doesn't matter).

I told DS that I wouldn't invite Tom, and I haven't yet. But I have honestly no idea whether I am making a mistake by breaking 'birthday etiquette'. Also wondering how to tell his mum.

AIBU - Invite Tom.
AINBU - Don't invite Tom.

OP posts:
slithytoveisascientist · 20/12/2023 09:48

I know he did @EarthlyNightshade

My question to the OP was if Tom didn't invite him though.

Also, for all we know Tom's unpleasant behaviour started after his party and wasn't an issue before.

Christmaswonder · 20/12/2023 09:52

Don’t invite him, but if asked by the mum just say they seem to have had a bit of a falling out but will probably be friends again in a couple of weeks. I really disagree with the PP’s suggesting you tell her the reason, as you have no idea what your son might’ve done without your knowledge and that Tom has told her. I speak from experience! It’s not worth the falling out.

Christmaswonder · 20/12/2023 10:00

Sorry OP I hadn’t RTFT, now that I’ve seen he has SEN I’m glad you had a chat with your DS and that he is going to invite Tom.

Autumnleaves89 · 20/12/2023 10:21

Right decision OP. Well done.

TheWalkingDeadly · 20/12/2023 10:37

Dd never seems to be invited by one boy. One year his mum said be will be inviting then didnt. He is maybe quite sensitive. It is a bit sad as they are friends and she invited him. But m ore like with op a clncern that maybe there is some issue.
A girl who i didnt invite pestered dd fpr an invite - i added her though i knew they werent close. Then the friend didnt invite dd back lol. But it maybd that this girl pesters most of the group for invites.

my eldest has some sen. Only got invited to one kids parties after covid in y3. After being invited to maybe 5 per year prior to that.
Dd didnt kjow any swear words till.her friend told her all of them in y5. So its not necessarily the child or parent but other kids

EarthlyNightshade · 20/12/2023 10:49

slithytoveisascientist · 20/12/2023 09:48

I know he did @EarthlyNightshade

My question to the OP was if Tom didn't invite him though.

Also, for all we know Tom's unpleasant behaviour started after his party and wasn't an issue before.

I guess if he and Tom weren't friends and had never been friends, there would be no issue.

slithytoveisascientist · 20/12/2023 10:54

My DD has SEN and can be really horrible to her friends

She is 9
She is horrible out of a lack of confidence a lack of social skills and lashing out to hurt before she is hurt

We are working on it

It does her NO favours to still be invited to things despite her unpleasantness. She deserves to learn that people (herself included) should be treated with kindness and respect and that means if she doesn't do that, she may lose invitations and friends.

I'm also trying to teach her that she doesn't have to have people around her who make her feel bad, because her ADHD and anxiety does mean she is a people pleaser and easy to bully.

Hence I do not think inviting Tom when he is unkind to OP son is the right thing to do, SEN or no SEN

Pertinentowl · 21/12/2023 16:12

I just don’t feel quite right about how OP judges Tom. It’s a very rigid? And overwrought judgement of an 8 year old. The whole thing is a bit uncomfortable and I don’t like how she talked about him. He swears and does your mama jokes?
um yea, if you have been round that age group then there’s always three or four of them doing that. Redirect them and don’t feed into the narrative that it’s anything other than a behaviour to be firmly ignored. Reward when they aren’t doing it. If adults treat it like it’s the end of the world then kids are going to become really judgemental. I spent a lot of time making sure that when there was an issue, my kids didn’t shut the door if a child showed growth.

I don’t know.

Sjh15 · 21/12/2023 16:58

It’s so awkward Op and I don’t envy you but I think the ‘right’ thing to do is to NOT invite Tom.
Your son said he doenst want him there. I think out of everything, your son needs to know you’ll respect his wishes. Plus, maybe if tom does turn up it’ll turn into an argument if he really really does not want him there.

send a message to the mum.

Mariposistaa · 21/12/2023 20:20

What a lovely lad you have, being so protective of you and his little brother.

paddyclampofthethirdkind · 21/12/2023 20:30

I think you’ve made the right decision OP, and that you and your DS have been kind. Well done!

Mumof3onetwothree · 21/12/2023 20:51

Our school has an informal but fairly strictly adhered to policy set up by the parents that group parties are held every two or three months and the children who have birthdays in those months join together and split costs. So every child gets their own share in a party and gets invited to all of the class parties. Each child gives €5 in a birthday card to each of the birthday children for them to use to buy their own present. It means there are only 5 or so parties per year, no unnecessary or excessively expensive presents and no exclusion. It's a good lesson in life that school is a community and even if you don't like someone within your community you include them (and maybe even share your party with them). It has created good bonds within the class. Some children have another party to which they invite only non school friends, cousins, neighbours etc but on the whole you don't hear much about that. Very occasionally someone will have an extra party to which they invite a smaller group of children from the class....it usually causes problems as everyone hears about it, many feel left out and children have permanently fallen out if they had been invited one year and not the next year. I just have a small party with close family around the day of my daughter's birthday just tea cake and presents from us and grandparents and she is happy with that plus her joint class party. I think it is a very effective system especially as now there are more people from different countries etc and they tend to be more likely to be left out of parties in other schools....I notice often Irish mothers will only invite the Irish girls. It becomes very obvious when the children who aren't invited to parties are the non nationals and they are often the ones who cannot afford to ask even half the girls in the class to a play center and live in a tiny apartment so don't have room to have people over. More and more schools where I live in Dublin are doing this joint class party with small cash gift as it stops a lot of hurt and problems.

Butchyrestingface · 21/12/2023 20:56

NoMoreCoffeePlease · 19/12/2023 15:34

Full disclosure: Tom has some additional needs. Just didn't want this post to be too identifying.

A late contender for Dripfeed of the Year 2023?

EDIT: But glad he's been invited. 😀

Epidote · 21/12/2023 20:56

It is your kid party, if he doesn't want him there is his call.

Just1MoreMinute · 21/12/2023 21:02

His party, his choice. Learning opportunity for him about friendships. He seems to have a lot of common sense for an 8 year old.

if you don’t like his choices, then don’t give him a party.

5128gap · 21/12/2023 21:08

Unpopular view, but as a parent of three now adult children with countless parties under my belt, I'd say, invite Tom. As pp said, at that age they change their minds constantly about who they're friends with, use party invitations and the withholding of them as rewards and threats as the mood takes them from day to day. If I'd have excluded every child one of mine took against id have caused a lot of ill feeling amongst the mums, and been highly likely to have been told by DC the day before the party said child was now their best friend.
Short version: unless there's a strong (and consistent) reason given to exclude a child, don't do it on an 8 year old's whim.

mcmooberry · 21/12/2023 21:15

Glad to hear the happy outcome. It didn't sound like Tom would spoil the party, I would have over-ruled my son and invited him. I have done this on many occasions, it's always been fine. Kids are fickle and I think it's important to return invitations (and over my dead body are we inviting someone who left my child out!)

BodyKeepingScore · 21/12/2023 21:20

Don't invite him. Why should any child be made to spend their special day with someone they don't want there? What does that teach them about upholding their own boundaries?

Mumsanetta · 21/12/2023 21:30

Deleted after spotting the epic drip feed 🙄

Tandora · 21/12/2023 21:34

I think this is appalling. I would never condone or support my child leaving a friend out. Teach your child about manners and kindness.

Tandora · 21/12/2023 21:35

mcmooberry · 21/12/2023 21:15

Glad to hear the happy outcome. It didn't sound like Tom would spoil the party, I would have over-ruled my son and invited him. I have done this on many occasions, it's always been fine. Kids are fickle and I think it's important to return invitations (and over my dead body are we inviting someone who left my child out!)

100%

Tandora · 21/12/2023 21:40

NoMoreCoffeePlease · 19/12/2023 15:34

Full disclosure: Tom has some additional needs. Just didn't want this post to be too identifying.

Omg this makes it so much worse!!!!

YABU!! How bloody awful. Tom is his friend just not an invite to his party kind of friend??? Why, because he’s disabled??? And you want to “respect” your DS’s desire to be cruel and deliberately exclude a friend who invited him?? No wonder we live in such a crappy society When this is how we are raising our little humans.

BlossomOfOrange · 21/12/2023 21:44

Don’t invite and try to keep the adult friendship slightly separate from the kid relationship?

ChateauDuMont · 21/12/2023 21:48

Have you witnessed Tom playing and have heard him say the kind of things your son alleged?

Mine are all grown up but my first thought was that your son doesn't want him there because he's (your son) used swear words in front of Tom and because of Tom's additional needs he is likely to open his mouth and tell you in all innocence! 🤷🏼‍♀️

Tacotortoise · 21/12/2023 21:48

So Tom's good enough to play with and your ds was happy enough to go to his party but now, suddenly, he doesn't want him as a friend? Just make sure he sticks to that then, or people might mistake him for one of those really unpleasant children who likes to upset other kids.

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