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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When one half of a couple is pregnant, should the other partner not be 'allowed' to drink?

114 replies

fishonabicycle · 19/12/2023 08:27

A woman I know is pregnant and has announced that her partner won't be drinking as she can't.

I'm interested to know what the consensus is on this!

AIBU - she is reasonable.
AINBU - she is not reasonable

OP posts:
TinselTitts · 19/12/2023 08:29

It didn't bother me either way as we rarely drank anyway.

But did she actually say he's not allowed, or he just wants to support her?

x2boys · 19/12/2023 08:29

Its up to the couple in question .

PsychoHotSauce · 19/12/2023 08:30

If he decides not to in solidarity, that ok.

If she dictates to him that he's not "allowed" then thats not on, and I'd question why alcohol is so important to her that she feels she can't be around it if she can't drink it.

PinkSnorkel · 19/12/2023 08:31

I think the other partner should support the pregnant woman.

For some women that will mean she needs her partner not to drink too.

BendingSpoons · 19/12/2023 08:32

Being pregnant creates differences in couples that were previously pretty equal. The woman has to experience pregnancy and birth and breastfeeding if they choose. Usually the woman has the bulk of maternity leave off. Trying to create an equal experience now is likely to cause trouble later! It seems very me, me, me to say 'I can't so he can't'. But then I'm not a big drinker so didn't particularly miss drinking.

Bingobatman · 19/12/2023 08:32

Sounds very controlling unless there’s some backstory about what a terrible drinker he is etc.

Wheeeeee · 19/12/2023 08:32

Mine has chosen not to in solidarity, maybe her DH is the same and 'not allowed' is tongue in cheek.

Everley · 19/12/2023 08:34

I think it depends on the couple. If the pregnant woman is struggling with not drinking it may be appropriate for their partner to abstain.

ChookChooks · 19/12/2023 08:34

If it's his choice, that's fine.

If it's her choice, it's controlling.

hjytrjulykuyh · 19/12/2023 08:34

There's no universal here honestly. Depends on a lot of factors. How both people feel, their usual patterns of drinking, how reasonable it is. I can understand someone who is pregnant not wanting their partner to get wasted every weekend, you want them sober in case something happens. My DH said to me he wouldn't drink during the pregnancy cos I wasn't, and I said I wasn't bothered he was welcome to, but he's a fairly moderate drinker (a couple drinks maybe twice per year) so I wasn't bothered by the idea of a drink or two very occasionally and didn't see any reason for him not to. I also wasn't much of a drinker and didn't miss it at all so it wasn't like I'd be sat there wistfully staring at him thinking gosh, this is making it hard for me to stick to being abstinent.

Couples do what works best for them.

TomeTome · 19/12/2023 08:35

I think that’s a bit unusual but dh is strictly gluten free and really doesn’t need to be.

PuttingDownRoots · 19/12/2023 08:35

I craved beer in my first pregnancy. DH enjoyed his nightly weißbier while I enjoyed the smell!!

Ultimately its down to the couple. I never felt comfortable telling DH outright he couldn't do something. A lot of the time he has chosen not to do something as he knows I'm unhappy. Other times its been something he's needed.

If neither drinking works for a Couple then its their choice.

Beezknees · 19/12/2023 08:35

Everley · 19/12/2023 08:34

I think it depends on the couple. If the pregnant woman is struggling with not drinking it may be appropriate for their partner to abstain.

If someone is struggling with not drinking then they've got an alcohol issue.

PhulNana · 19/12/2023 08:35

Bingobatman · 19/12/2023 08:32

Sounds very controlling unless there’s some backstory about what a terrible drinker he is etc.

I agree. Absent any serious drink-problem issues, I say it's controlling behaviour, and I I were a man, I'd bitterly regret impregnating this woman. Sounds like a recipe for separation/divorce - what other controlling wheezes will she dream up once the sprog is popped?

Daisies12 · 19/12/2023 08:35

If the partner decides not to, fine. But no way should the pregnant partner insist; unless the partner has a problem with alcohol. I wanted my DH to enjoy himself before baby came!

Flappingseal · 19/12/2023 08:37

Beezknees · 19/12/2023 08:35

If someone is struggling with not drinking then they've got an alcohol issue.

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In which case she probably needs support.

ZenNudist · 19/12/2023 08:37

x2boys · 19/12/2023 08:29

Its up to the couple in question .

This

It's really poor form if the man gets bladdered and expects pregnant wife to drive. I think most men do rein it in.

Rickenbackergoodgrief · 19/12/2023 08:38

I can't imagine telling my DH that he can't drink because I'm pregnant.
Ridiculous.

Beezknees · 19/12/2023 08:38

Flappingseal · 19/12/2023 08:37

In which case she probably needs support.

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Yes, professional support!

TooOldForThisNonsense · 19/12/2023 08:40

Well the reason the pregnant woman can’t drink clearly doesn’t apply to the man., does it. I wouldn’t take kindly to anyone telling me in what’s supposed to be a relationship of equals that I am not “allowed” to do anything so on that basis I’d say she was BU. Weird and controlling behaviour

Isitisit · 19/12/2023 08:40

Dictating to your partner is unreasonable for any reason but I do appreciate that my husband has cut down his drinking while I’m pregnant on his own accord. It’s not unreasonable to ask your partner to stop drinking if that will support you.

NameChangeAgain23 · 19/12/2023 08:40

Depends on their relationship dynamic and how much she likes a drink. If I couldn't eat chocolate and DP was tucking into my favourite in front of me i'd of been gutted!

WandaWonder · 19/12/2023 08:41

The second I found out I stopped drinking, not bothered if my husband drank or not

'We're pregnant' no we are not only me.

WandaWonder · 19/12/2023 08:41

Flappingseal · 19/12/2023 08:37

In which case she probably needs support.

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That is what AA is for

Flappingseal · 19/12/2023 08:41

Yes perhaps, @Beezknees but if she copes well if her partner isn't drinking around her then that might be all the support she needs.

I think it's a big case of 'it depends'.

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