Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think sister needs to explore different parenting styles... Should I suggest changes?

103 replies

MacarenaMacarena · 19/12/2023 01:59

My dear sister is lovely, but I feel the way she treats her DS(9) is not helping him develop and mature. Some of the things that concern me are

  1. Regularly sleeping with him in his bed (I dread the reaction when he let's this slip at school).
  2. Regularly back tracking on rules or instructions - I feel he would really benefit from consistency rather than ruling the roost with threat of tantrums.
  3. Generally having low expectations of ability and behaviour... Eg toys aimed at younger children, baby talk etc. He seems to restrict his interactions to this younger level (less challenging?)
He's way behind at school, has no resilience and has a very negative attitude to homework/learning/being given helpful advice about how to do anything... Quite abrupt and impatient, and missing out on so many opportunities to discover more about the world. (eg "I don't want you to tell me what the equator/marsupial/delta is in this cartoon, I just want to watch it, don't interrupt") (he does have a rewind on the remote!) I'd like to encourage my dear sister to explore some new parenting techniques, but I realise this is not my business, and I could offend her by suggesting anything. I suppose lots of children grow up perfectly delightful and successful whatever parenting styles they are exposed to - unfortunately my nephew does not seem on track to be doing so well at this rate. I really want to drop some pebbles in the pond to help her... What would MN recommend?
OP posts:
Alex Drake · 19/12/2023 02:07

Leave her to parent her own child?

9yrs is still fairly young. My DS is 11yrs now and would balk at the thought of sharing a bed with his parents now, but would have happily jumped in beside us at 9yrs.

Likewise, at 9 yrs my DS would choose to watch cartoons on TVnow he's all about stranger things and the Big Bang theory, with all the questions that go along with these.

Why are you so concerned about your nephew?

Sleepydoor · 19/12/2023 02:10

"I'd like to encourage my dear sister to explore some new parenting techniques, but I realise this is not my business, and I could offend her by suggesting anything."

I think you've answered your own question beautifully.

ImustLearn2Cook · 19/12/2023 02:10

Undermining your sister’s parenting would be the worst thing that you could do.

Undermining parents (especially in front of the child/ren or in a way that they notice is detrimental and has very negative impacts on children.

Bite your tongue, keep your opinion to yourself and respect that while your sister’s parenting style differs from yours (or what you imagine yours would be) she knows her own child better than you do.

If you want to be helpful just be a positive role model and a supportive auntie and a good sister.

Perimama · 19/12/2023 02:11

MYOB. Most 9 year olds would want to watch a cartoon without their auntie giving a running commentary on what things mean.

skibiditoilet · 19/12/2023 02:12

We are all experts at parenting other peoples children and useless at parenting our own 🤣
leave it be.

HereIAmThereYouAre · 19/12/2023 02:18

It could be a parenting issue, but he could well be behind and have these needs due to ASN/SEN. If there are concerns then it is up to the school to raise them with the parent. This may already have happened and you just don't know about it. Please MYOB.

MrsKwazi · 19/12/2023 02:20

If this is for real, just butt out. None of the ‘issues’ you raised are a big deal nor any of your business.

Pinkcandychoc · 19/12/2023 02:21

She won't appreciate the critisism. Say nothing.

Be there for them both.
Be a good role model for your nephew.
And stop interrupting when he's watching cartoons...there's such a thing as a teachable moment and that's not it!

eachtigertires · 19/12/2023 02:21

YABU. None of your business.

Original poster
MacarenaMacarena · 19/12/2023 02:24

Thanks all xx

OP posts:
ImustLearn2Cook · 19/12/2023 02:24

‘Quite abrupt and impatient, and missing out on so many opportunities to discover more about the world. (eg "I don't want you to tell me what the equator/marsupial/delta is in this cartoon, I just want to watch it, don't interrupt")’

@MacarenaMacarena From this example I think he is being assertive and is being very reasonable.

It is bad manners to interrupt and talk while someone is watching a tv show. Wouldn’t you be irritated by someone who kept talking during a tv show or movie that you are interested in watching? Or irritated by someone explaining it to you? I would be. It is both annoying and rude.

I suggest that you watch it with him (without interrupting) and after the show has ended you could ask him open ended questions on what he thought of the show or what he liked about it.

You know, a mutually respectful discussion rather than you ‘adultsplaining’ his show to him.

Annon00 · 19/12/2023 02:25

Since he is behind in school and playing with toys for younger children it seems more likely to me that he has some additional needs.

flowerchild2000 · 19/12/2023 02:26

If it was appropriate in your relationship with her to make parenting suggestions you would have already done it in the moment instead of asking here you know what I mean. Like I would never usually make comments to anyone about their parenting but I have in rare occasions when I saw a close friend struggling, I jumped in and explained what she could do. I've even corrected other people's children and they mine, but I knew it was ok. If I questioned myself on it I would definitely not. Only if she asks. Or, you could ask her if she'd like some suggestions. These things usually end in defensiveness and hurt feelings so better to be really careful about it.

HoHoHoliday · 19/12/2023 02:26

"I'd like to encourage my dear sister to explore some new parenting techniques, but I realise this is not my business"

That's the only line of your post that's needed.

MintJulia · 19/12/2023 02:27

MYOB My ds aged 9 would come and sleep in my bed on occasion. Nothing wrong with that.

And who needs a running 'educational' commentary when watching a cartoon.

Parent your own children and leave your dsis to parent hers.

pleasejustnawta · 19/12/2023 02:27

Oh I have a couple of siblings like you. Loved sticking their nosies in and what not . You what they weren't so good at ? Giving my kids their time! Just keep yer nose out.What makes you so fabulous at being a parent?

Middleagedmeangirls · 19/12/2023 02:46

when my D.C. were young I used to judge other peoples parenting techniques Although I was never misguided enough to say anything I was very confident that I was doing things the right way and they were getting things very wrong.

My D.C. and their contemporaries are all in their thirties now. To my chagrin mine aren't any better adults than those who were raised differently to mine. They've all (mine and theirs) had their successes and challenges but ultimately they all turned out pretty much OK. Turns out I didn't know best at all - and you probably don't either OP.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/12/2023 02:53

I was co sleeping with dd at this age. It didn’t start until she was about 7. As for the rest, I would consider possible learning difficulties. In your place, support would be nice. Asking about what school is doing to help her ds or asking if there is anything you could do.

Threeboysadogandacat · 19/12/2023 02:55

My dsis and I have hugely different parenting techniques. I’m sure we have both, at times, thought (to ourselves) that we were right and the other was wrong. Amazing they have all turned out just fine. Let her parent her child her way.

Charlize43 · 19/12/2023 02:59

I'm so happy that I don't have a sister.

k1233 · 19/12/2023 03:12

I do things a bit differently and lead by example. My interactions with the kids encourage curiosity and introduce new ways of thinking about things without making it obvious. The easiest way for children to learn is in play, so do some fun things with him that help him grow as a person.

Ohnonoohoh · 19/12/2023 03:14

My 7 year old is currently asleep in my bed. My 8 year old was in with me last night

All the other stuff........ do you have your own children?

My DS is behind in his school work, also has tantrums, also prefers things for younger ages..... he also has dyspraxia and ADHD and issues with his eyes and ears.

I'd go absolutely mad if you were my sister and tried butting in.

If shes happy and hes happy you need to mind your own

momonpurpose · 19/12/2023 03:16

Do you have children OP?

Ohnonoohoh · 19/12/2023 03:16

Regularly sleeping with him in his bed (I dread the reaction when he let's this slip at school

I'd put money on the school kids giving zero shits about where their classmate sleeps

YukoandHiro · 19/12/2023 03:27

Middleagedmeangirls · 19/12/2023 02:46

when my D.C. were young I used to judge other peoples parenting techniques Although I was never misguided enough to say anything I was very confident that I was doing things the right way and they were getting things very wrong.

My D.C. and their contemporaries are all in their thirties now. To my chagrin mine aren't any better adults than those who were raised differently to mine. They've all (mine and theirs) had their successes and challenges but ultimately they all turned out pretty much OK. Turns out I didn't know best at all - and you probably don't either OP.

Best comment on here. Thanks for your honesty