I think sister needs to explore different parenting styles... Should I suggest changes?

[MacarenaMacarena]

My dear sister is lovely, but I feel the way she treats her DS(9) is not helping him develop and mature. Some of the things that concern me are

1. Regularly sleeping with him in his bed (I dread the reaction when he let's this slip at school).
2. Regularly back tracking on rules or instructions - I feel he would really benefit from consistency rather than ruling the roost with threat of tantrums.
3. Generally having low expectations of ability and behaviour... Eg toys aimed at younger children, baby talk etc. He seems to restrict his interactions to this younger level (less challenging?)

He's way behind at school, has no resilience and has a very negative attitude to homework/learning/being given helpful advice about how to do anything... Quite abrupt and impatient, and missing out on so many opportunities to discover more about the world. (eg "I don't want you to tell me what the equator/marsupial/delta is in this cartoon, I just want to watch it, don't interrupt") (he does have a rewind on the remote!) I'd like to encourage my dear sister to explore some new parenting techniques, but I realise this is not my business, and I could offend her by suggesting anything. I suppose lots of children grow up perfectly delightful and successful whatever parenting styles they are exposed to - unfortunately my nephew does not seem on track to be doing so well at this rate. I really want to drop some pebbles in the pond to help her... What would MN recommend?

Sounds to me like maybe there’s a reason for this, perhaps she hasn’t spoken about it to you for fear of being judged. Sounds like her son could be neurodivergent in some way or possibly has other mental health worries, and that’s why your sister hasn’t pushed her sons boundaries. Either way it’s really not your business unless there’s a abusive background that we aren’t aware of that you know about.

Nope nope nope nope

Absent a pressing safety concern, unsolicited parenting advice is an absolute no-go. If your sister wants your input she’ll ask.

This x 1000.

Don't you think the people who make the cartoon for children might have more of an idea how to explain things than you?

i feel a bit sorry for him, struggling at school and low confidence in learning. It’s common for children in this situation to feel resistant. The best thing you can do is hook him in through making learning fun and following his interests. Also make him feel valued. Take him to a club he finds fun - cricket or art or something. There will be many things he is good at, even if he’s not good at traditional school work. Explore these.

the sleeping arrangements can offer reassurance if he’s feeling rubbish about school work. Resilience is built slowly at a child’s pace and not an adult pace. It can be helped by role modelling, feeling secure, talking worries through or just being there.

so in short no don’t throw pebbles in.

Sounds like you know fuck all about parenting, OP. Butt out.

9 is very young, however not so young that you aren't realising that his mother being overly involved, and not in a helpful way! Is limiting his ability to grow into the most well rounded person that he could be.

It sounds like maybe he is a very cherished and loved boy, by a mum who is making everything as comfortable and happy for her son as possible, but this is denying him the opportunity to figure things out himself at all, so he's lacking resilience, and will stick to the most comfortable of routes with anything he's doing.

I don't think you can challenge really, but I think that hobbies like scouts or when he's older, cadets would be good. The kind of thing that would give him a usable skill set, and the ability to learn away from mum could be really good for building confidence in himself.

Its really within the next few years, that she will need to start to navigate out of the way she currently parents, to allow her DS some time to start learning so he can face the world independently for short periods throughout his teen years and young adulthood, otherwise she will end up like a lot of parents who completely freak out when their child wants more independence but doesn't have the maturity or the tools to safely navigate anything away from them.

Just curious OP, what are your qualifications that make you the expert on parenting?

How old are your children MacarenaMacarena?

(eg "I don't want you to tell me what the equator/marsupial/delta is in this cartoon, I just want to watch it, don't interrupt")

Omg. Bore off!

I’m in my 40s and I don’t like it if I’m interrupted while watching TV.

Do you have children OP? If so what age?

FWIW I sometimes see parenting I don’t like (overly critical/telling off for everything pushes my buttons) but it’s none of my business so I don’t say anything.

Just searched & see that you do have grown up kids OP (as do I). Honestly just enjoy not having to deal with the issues yourself.

It’s a tough one and a question I often ask myself. My DD is autistic but very young seeming and not resilient. But what comes first the chicken or the egg? Ie is she like this because we have babied her and not helped her grow up? Or do we treat her like this because she isn’t emotionally mature enough to handle being treated as an older child yet? I am still not sure of the answer but there is probably a bit of both at play.

He sounds a little bit like my son who is young for his age and needs to feel close to me even now at secondary school age- he has Autism and ADHD. Maybe your nephew has similar needs?

Either way, if my sister told me I needed to parent either of my children differently (aka better) I’d be telling her to fuck right off. And she’d be doing likewise if the situation was reversed.

My first thought reading this was "I bet you don't have kids"!

Butt out unless your sister asks for advice and I mean that kindly

I’ve got the popcorn out for when the day shift arrives. Buckle up @MacarenaMacarena! It’s going to get hot.

You quickly realise if you have more than one child that they have very different personalities and needs, likes and dislikes and often need different parenting approaches, while trying to be fair to both.

I have one DD who wanted to do everything herself even when she couldn't, and one DD who would have you do everything for her even when she was capable of it herself. Both can be wonderful and frustrating in different ways!

You can love, help and facilitate them but kids are individuals and their own unique little person from the start, and you can't just mould them into the person you think they ought to be like a lump of clay, nor should you try.

You haven't got any children yourself, right?

If someone interrupted me watching TV and tried to pack away my favourite things because they thought I'd "outgrown" them, I wouldn't be best pleased either. My 6yo is currently rediscovering their baby toys (brought out for their baby sibling) and it's very cute to see.

In this house, everyone has a bed/cot that they can choose to sleep in if they want to. They can also sleep somewhere else if they're scared/lonely/need company. Sleep is at a premium here so insisting children sleep in their own beds is not a hill we chose to die on.

My eldest was still coming in to our bed at night aged 9. He's now an adult, a volunteer firefighter and in emergency service training, having turned down a place to study medicine. Don't think it did him much harm, somehow.

The rest of it, you have no idea why things are as they are. I wonder if your perception of age-appropriate toys/activities may be skewed by the general tendency there seem s to be in the UK for people to be proud of children 'growing up' very young? My NT, very bright 8yo dd (a year or two ahead of her class in literacy) still loves Paw Patrol, which I gather is considered very infra dig from about Reception in the UK. The longer they feel able to indulge in 'childlike' activities, the better, IMO.

And the constant attempts to turn cartoon-watching into an educational activity (prob because you feel he needs 'improving') rather than just letting the poor kid watch in peace make you sound, frankly, insufferable. Would you like your watching of The Crown to be accompanied by regular lectures on heraldry and the history of the monarchy?

How about you put on a show and have the 9 year old witter away and interrupt with 'educational facts' all the way through. Then decide whether you think that's a helpful strategy.

The bed is fine, it suggests they have an emotional closeness which is so important for young boys who will soon be sent toxic masculinity messages by the million.

9 year olds strop and have tantrums and in the small window you see of their lives your sister is probably taking a break and focusing on you rather than spending an hour talking down a 9 year old.

I'd bet my house that you're not a parent yourself OP.

I'd leave it. Parenting has changed a lot even in the past decade. If she asks for advice you could tactfully make suggestions but otherwise I'd leave it.

By the way has asd ever been considered?

She may be 'babying' him which is what you are implying.
Or, she may be parenting the child she has in front of her even without any formal SN diagnosis.

Some of the interactions you describe sound similar to how I would have been perceived with my DD. 10 years down the line, and coming out the other side of a MH crisis we an understanding on how much DD was struggling to cope at school and how by the time she was home she just needed to regress to a safe level and not do more learning.

Id I was trying to watch tv and you interrupted me to explain what I was watching I'd bop you on the head with the remote. And I'm not 9 😂