I think sister needs to explore different parenting styles... Should I suggest changes?

[MacarenaMacarena]

My dear sister is lovely, but I feel the way she treats her DS(9) is not helping him develop and mature. Some of the things that concern me are

1. Regularly sleeping with him in his bed (I dread the reaction when he let's this slip at school).
2. Regularly back tracking on rules or instructions - I feel he would really benefit from consistency rather than ruling the roost with threat of tantrums.
3. Generally having low expectations of ability and behaviour... Eg toys aimed at younger children, baby talk etc. He seems to restrict his interactions to this younger level (less challenging?)

He's way behind at school, has no resilience and has a very negative attitude to homework/learning/being given helpful advice about how to do anything... Quite abrupt and impatient, and missing out on so many opportunities to discover more about the world. (eg "I don't want you to tell me what the equator/marsupial/delta is in this cartoon, I just want to watch it, don't interrupt") (he does have a rewind on the remote!) I'd like to encourage my dear sister to explore some new parenting techniques, but I realise this is not my business, and I could offend her by suggesting anything. I suppose lots of children grow up perfectly delightful and successful whatever parenting styles they are exposed to - unfortunately my nephew does not seem on track to be doing so well at this rate. I really want to drop some pebbles in the pond to help her... What would MN recommend?

.... and I think you should mind your own business.

When you have DC one day (because I am pretty sure reading your post that you have zero first hand experience of parenting), then you can raise them however you like!

It is normal for a nine year old to go into a parents bed sometimes.

Oh, OP. Walking a mile in their shoes, and all that.

Parenting my own DC, one of whom has ASC and SpLD, I have understood what decades working in primary education had not really taught me, to my great shame: children do well when they can (Ross Greene). And that 'doing well' looks so different for individual children. When we truly see the child, and behaviour as an expression of need, we are able to co-create the circumstances in which children thrive ‐in their own unique way. Thriving and doing well should not only be measured by the standards of 'milestones' and educational achievement or arbitrary application of ideas like 'babying' or 'aimed at younger children', but rather with the individual child front and centre, and a true perception of what 'doing well' will look like for them.

Parenting a child with SEN or an invisible disability, diagnosed or not-yet, can be a very lonely place, because the whole world seems to be waiting in the wings to tell you what you could be doing differently. Until you've been in the situation of watching your child increasingly and unquestionably divert from the developmental norm (and spent weeks, months and years questioning your own parenting, seeking advice, trying endless new approaches, berating yourself, berating your child, feeling the cold shoulder of judgement), I think you have to assume that your sister is somewhere on this journey and is acting in the best interest of her child, meeting him where he is at, and laying developmental foundations which will support him to be a content and able to engage with the world in a way appropriate to and congruent with his needs.

The most supportive thing you can do is to change the lens through which you perceive your sister and your nephew. They are not you and your adult DC. Do some reading around the subject ‐I warmly recommend Dr Naomi Fisher as a starting point‐ and take on board current consensus that when parents are supported and validated, they too become resourced to do well on a very challenging journey.

Let me answer - you haven’t made her this way, you are meeting the needs of your autistic child. Autistic kids have a tendency to develop at their own, atypical pace, which is often slower than their peers (sometimes they’re behind in some areas, but ahead in others - it’s called a spiky profile).

I’m sure people might look at the way I still dress my son every morning and brush his teeth for him, and say I baby him - he’s 8. Fact is, it won’t get done if I don’t do it, and he currently needs that feeling of control by making me do it. He’ll get there in his own time just like everything else.

@MacarenaMacarena

My main worry would be him falling behind at schools and the school nor her triggering urgent action on that.
It's a critical time and some may say too late to help him.
Does he have literacy issues? Why is he behind... He may need home intervention.

From your list I would say giving in on boundaries isn't great if he is learning he can complain to get his way.

The other things, it sounds like you are linking parenting causing him to be behind. It is likely he is a bit behind and that is influencing how she parents him. The toys, bed and TV things seem within the range of normal to me.

We are all amazing parents in our heads - until we have children of our own😆

If you’ve asked you know…
so not any of your business. If you don’t like the parenting style, don’t be around her. Simple!

I'm sure you're well intentioned but this would back fire badly.

Are u the older sis out of interest? Do u have kids yourself?

I think its none of your business really, as your gut seems to be telling u too. However, leading by example might have an impact!

My DH Dsis (who doesn’t have children) told me once “leave your DCs with me for a week and you would have very different children”. This was when they were little and she was judging my DS who has since been diagnosed with ADHD and autism. From her perspective he just looked like a naughty boy who didn’t listen but she didn’t know half of the challenges he faced. This was years ago and I’ve never forgotten her judgemental remark. It’s very easy looking in thinking you could do a better job but the reality might be very different. Just be there to support your DSis without judgement and if she asks your advice give it but don’t offer it without it being asked for.

Everyone’s experience of parenting is different as every child is different. Could be sen on his part. The sleep thing is common he will get there. The best way to help is to not judge. If she needed your help she would ask.

I’d recommend you butt out

And also that you don’t interrupt someone when they’re watching cartoons to share a ‘learning opportunity’ - on the plus side he sounds quite assertive.

Lots of people co-sleep.

Her style of parenting is not mine but it’s entirely up to her

I’m guessing you don’t have kids nor spend much time with them

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Just don't.

Oh do tell her. And just before Christmas too! She'll be eternally grateful for your well-intentioned advice, just try it. Then come back and tell us all about it.

This kid sounds fab! Who literally cares if they are not excelling and learning more about the world?! If a kid loves learning and excelling, fair dues to them. If a kid loves cuddling their mommy and watching cartoons, fair dues to them. Honestly, what is the flipping point of pushing kids to develop fast? They all get where they are going eventually. Personally, I’m delighted my 8 yrold loves sleeping in between me and his dad. And from what I can see, kids are way less judgey about other kids these days. It’s us adults who teach them how to one up each other.

No just no!!!

Offer to take her DS to a nice museum or a good film or something. Put in something positive, don't be judgemental or critical of your sister.

And if he says no, just spend time with him the way he wants to.

YABU. She know her own child better than you. Mind your own business.

Absolutely this.

I wondered how long that would take.

Not your child, not your business. My sister also liked to “encourage” me or rather give me offensive and unsolicited life advice I didn’t need or ask for “because she just cared SO much more about me than anyone else does”. We are very LC now by my choice. Just because you’re her sister it doesn’t give you the right to have designs on how she should parent HER child.

@Mojolostforever

I wondered how long that would take.

I say that because I am a parent of a SEN child, who does all these things (as do many of DDs friends at SEN groups) and if a relative DARED to judge and suggest it was down to my parenting I would be absolutely furious and very hurt. I don't tell many of my relatives including siblings what is going on with my child because they don't handle it well or sensitively. So it is a real possibility here and if so I'm sure OP wouldn't want to put her foot in it. If her sister wants her advice/input I'm sure she'll ask for it. If not MYOB.

Exactly. Those who know, know.

I hate all the sneery, eye rolling posts whenever people dare to raise the issue of SEN/neurodivergence.

We don’t just say these things because we want new members to join our little club.